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Two warp-fish swim in the vast oceans of the Empyrean.

Warp-Fish 1: "Hey Harry! How's it going?"

Warp-Fish 2: "Not bad Larry. How's the wife?"

Warp-Fish 1: "Spawning"

Warp-Fish 2: "Congratulations old chap! What's their names?"

Warp-Fish 1: "Mally wanted Kally, Sally, and Hally, but I put my foot down and said 'We're sticking with Khorne, Nurgle and Tzeentch!'"

Warp-Fish 2: "How'd she take that?"

Warp-Fish 1: "We're divorcing ..."

Eldrad: "And now my people are being portrayed as child molesters more interested in fighting amongst ourselves than the Great Enemy!"

Slaanesh: "You called?"

Eldrad: "I was talking about C.S. Goto"

Alpharious: "Can I kill him? Seriously ... will anyone actually miss him? Who the hell plays Ultramarines these days except Graham McNeil? Lets face it; they're boring, bland, and have possibly the second greatest assault on the eyes as a colour scheme in this hobby. No one plays Ultramarines"

Roboute: "Just like no one plays Alpha Legion?"

Alpharious: "Oh but they do ... we're just really good at disguising ourselves! Which leads us to ..."

Thought for the Day: There's a 99% chance that any army you're playing against is an Alpha Legion army in disguise. There's an equal chance that your army is one too.

A loud crash heralds parts of the wall collapsing to make way for a gargantuan Keeper of Secrets.

Keeper of Secrets: "MORTARION!! I SEE YOU NOW!!"

Mortarion: "Oh guys, this is Ha'lee. She's been tasked to follow me and beat me to death with the joys of late-1990s pop music"

Keeper of Secrets: "Prepare to suffer ... S CLUB JUNIORS!!"

Fulgrim: "Crap! Sanguinius!"

Sanguinius: "What? Why me?"

Fulgrim: "The Visions series had you pictured with a Keeper of Secret's head so you must have had more experience than me at this!"

Sanguinius: "That was a photo shoot! It was staged! Someone pushed the damn head into my hands and took my picture! What am I supposed to do?"

Fulgrim: "You took out Bloodthirsters in single combat! This can't be that hard!"

Sanguinius: "I took out a Bloodletter! Not my fault those bloody remembrancers can't remember anything properly!"

Mortarion: "Guys, stop arguing and kill it!"

Sanguinius: "Very well ... entering Battle Mode!"

Sanguinius -> Attack -> Keeper of Secrets
Sanguinius hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!
Sanguinius's Awesome Holy Aura deals Keeper of Secrets an extra 9,999 damage!
Sanguinius's Lightning Assault Attack deals Keeper of Secrets an extra 9,999 damage!
Sanguinius's Sheer Badassery deals Keeper of Secrets an extra 9,999 damage!

Fulgrim: "She's still alive?!? Right, my turn!"

Fulgrim -> Attack -> Keeper of Secrets
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!
Fulgrim hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!
Fulgrim uses I Hit With All My Hands to deal an extra 9,999 damage to Keeper of Secrets!
Fulgrim pokes Keeper of Secrets in the face with his tail and deals an extra 9,999 damage and inflicts Poison!

Mortarion: "She's still standing!!"

Sanguinius: "Go for it Mort!"

Mortarion -> Attack -> Keeper of Secrets
Mortarion hits Keeper of Secrets for 9,999 damage!

Fulgrim: "... that it?"

Mortarion: "Wait for it ..."

Keeper of Secrets suffers Plague from Mortarion's wound!
Keeper of Secrets suffers 99,999 damage!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Immobilised!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Silence!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Blind!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Confused!
Keeper of Secrets suffers GW Price Increased!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Bad Plastic Makeover!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Salt Rubed Into Wound!
Keeper of Secrets suffers Kicking When Down!

Fulgrim: "Holy shi- remind me not to piss Mortarion off again ..."

Mortarion: "What? It's still alive?!?! What do we have to do to kill this thing?"

Keeper of Secrets casts Broken Square-Enix Ability!
Keeper of Secrets heals all damage and negative status effects!

Sanguinius: "Oh ... well ... feth that ... RUN!!"
 

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Ferrus: “And people insist I'm tasteless ...”

Lorgar: “You are tasteless. You're the only sentient being in known existence to have been permanently banned from /b/ for offending the residents”

Dorn: “Dare I ask what the hell did you post?!?”

Ferrus: Looking as innocent as possibl. “Well it was only a small <deleted by the Warseer Inquisition> with <again, deleted by the Warseer Inquisition> and <more deletions> with <deleting, deleting ...> up her <hi, this is the Warseer Inquisition. Take a wild stab in the dark at what we've done here ...> in <now that's wrong> and <oh dear Gods ...> in <my mind!!!> and <is that actually physically possible?!?> coated in <oh that's just taking the piss ...> with <when does this end?!?> and <oh Gods it just goes on and on ...> and some Marmite ... and a dog ...”

Silence doesn't begin to describe the following scene. Even reality is stunned; atoms themselves stop emitting energy and stare at Ferrus in shock.

Ferrus: “What?!?”

Dorn: “I'm sorry I asked ... I really am ... I think I need to make another successor chapter just to prove how sorry I am ...”
 

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I have a small MP3 player with built-in speaker {$15}. I painted it in camo and leave it on the table edge. When my vendetta comes on it plays "Ride of the Valkyries"... The guys love it. {I love the smell of promethium in the morning....}
 

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"Lo, in the histories of the many Chapters of the Adeptus Astartes, every Primarch listed that has ever come across my sage and learned eye has found root and home upon a planet, which hath shaped and set in stone the character of that warrior of the Emperor that he would become.

Therefore, one must give pause to the Primarch of our brothers, the Angry Marines, that great warrior of rage for he hath never fell upon a planet. Nay! But he was borne upon the ethers and drifts of space, alone in his capsule save for a discarded copy of Battletoads III that the Emperor had thrown out, a legendary artifact that had fueled research into vast weapons of war that it might be unmade and erased from history.

When the capsule had finally been rammed into a drifting hulk of an old Imperial battleship, it is said that the Primarch was so enraged and frustrated with the vile game that he headbutted out the Adam's apple of the first survivor that he encountered, and thereafter killed every inhabitant with the remnants of the dying initial combatant."

-Historian Nwabudike
Histories of the Ill-favored Chapters
 

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From the historical records of Inquisitor Jangel, non-aligned investigator of Adeptus Astartes "Incidents".
Section #511: The "Friendly" Fire Incident of Klaxus XII
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The records of this dire moment in Imperial history were (until I came upon them) known only to the two Space Marine Chapters that took part in the skirmish. However, only by putting the two records together is the truth found.

The Pretty Marines tell of a conflict fraught with glory against the odds, and of dire betrayal: "Before the sortie against our enemy our glorious Chapter Master graced us with a speech, before the resplendent lines of Brother-Marines sparking under the twin suns he told of beautiful victory, of the fates of our enemies. As one we cheered, then awaited his inevitable dance number. From the skies fell a drop pod, smashing into our forward lines and engulfing the area with thick dust. It took us only a moment to clear the air with our blow-dryers, but it was a moment too late as we saw the Chapter Master fallen..."

The Angry Marines tell the other side of the story, though in far less words due to a lacking in vocabulary beyond many four letter cusses. Hastily inserted into the annals of their Chapter, glory is simply a picture with the words "OWNED" across it, and the image of the Pretty Marines' Chapter Master unconscious on the ground, a crude mustache drawn on his face with paint, and what appears to be a set of testicles on his forehead.

So began the greatest feud in Imperial history.

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Thought for the Day: Ruthlessness is the kindness of the wise.

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From the personal diaries of Brother R.C. Mongler, 4th Chanian Combat Group.
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My Chapter had landed on a barren little ball of rock called Vesuvius. The Inquisition had ordered us to the planet on suspicion of Chaos corruption. Surely enough, we ran into a group of Chaos Marines within a day of landing. The fools, turning their backs on the God-Emperor for whatever sick rewards they received from the deceiving Warp fiends. The battle started the second morning. Their attack was especially fierce, and my brothers and I had great trouble keeping them at bay. It seemed that for every one of them we killed, three more showed up. Our own losses were of no small concern. In a rare moment of calm, Brother Captain Morgan confided in me that if we were not killed by these berserkers, we would almost certainly be killed by the Inquisition for failure. As our numbers dwindled, I grew concerned: surely we would all be killed, and the Emperor's work would not be carried out. We prepared for a final assault, one which had been coming for near a week of the most intense fighting I had ever seen. We surrounded a small hill, atop which stood our last Dreadnought, Brother Klarr. We saw their force coming from below. We knew this was our end. But suddenly, a shadow passed over us. Some great demon come to finish us off? No. It was a drop pod. Out of it stepped a small company of our brethren. They wore bright yellow armor, a bizarre crest upon their shoulders, unlike any Chapter I had yet heard of. A circle, with two lines crossing it and two dots in the middle - almost as if to suggest an angry face. They formed a line between us and the now charging Chaos Marines.

The Chaos Marines' bright red armor shone in the late afternoon sun, the spikes upon their shoulders menacing. The new arrivals stood fast. As the distance between the two forces began to close, there arose from these yellow warriors the loudest scream I had ever heard. It shook the ground. Even through my helmet, it made my ears ring and my skull ache. And it simply kept getting louder as their Captain's fist slowly rose into the air. As it rose to a nearly supersonic volume, I finally made out the words contained in the scream:

"ALWAYS ANGRY!!!"

In a chorus louder even than the Captain's scream, the soldiers returned:

"ALL THE TIME!!!"

Then it began.

...

Without a word, these Space Marines returned to their drop pod and were soon whisked away from the battlefield. There had been no more than a dozen of them, not a single word exchanged between our two Chapters. To this day, I have never seen any Marines fight with such rage and hatred. The mass of enemy berserkers was reduced to mere chunks, legs, arms, heads, and craters full of blood. Bits of red armor lay strew about the field. We had not even had the chance to advance by the time the screaming - both theirs and the enemy's - was through. I turned to my Captain and asked, "Who were they?"

"I had thought it was rumor, but no. Emperor bless us all, those were the Angry Marines."

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Thought for the Day: The Emperor protects.
 

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From the records of Governor Tamel of Pathos Secundus.
File #34476A: Captain Asshole
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A boy was born in the year 895.M38, on Pathos Secundus. Little is recorded of his parentage. His father was a Guardsman, known only to be missing and presumed dead. His mother died in childbirth. The pregnancy had no complications, and so an autopsy was conducted. Wounds throughout the mother's uterus and all along the birth canal indicated extreme trauma. Video of the birth confirmed the medical examiner's suspicions: he had come out cuntpunching.

The child spent his youth in and out of various orphanages and foster homes. Several of his caretakers attempted to name him, but whenever anyone asked him his name, he responded only by punching them in the throat. He was regarded as mad and dangerous at the very least; many believed he harbored some mutation or the mark of Chaos. At the age of ten, however, he finally found a home. An Angry Marine Quartermaster had made planetfall to procure supplies, and the young boy happened to be in the area. The Marine shouted to him, "HEY, ASSHOLE, BRING ME THAT FUCKING HANDTRUCK IN THE CORNER."

When the youth approached the hardened battle-brother and kicked him squarely in the groinplate, breaking two of his toes without making a sound or shedding a tear, the Angry Marines had found a new recruit.

At the time Asshole was inducted, the Chapter Master of the Angry Marines had decreed that new recruits should become standard Codex scouts. The issue was put to a vote, and the chapter at large declared this decision to be "COMPLETELY FUCKING FAGGOTROCIOUS," however the decree stood for a time on the basis that the Chapter Master did it "JUST TO PISS YOU OFF, YOU WORTHLESS NIGGERS."

This did not prove advantageous to young Asshole. The one thing they could never teach him to do was aim, and he spent far longer than normal languishing in the 10th Company. Finally, in 176.M39, during the Scouring of Erhlinger Prime, he proved himself. After emptying an entire magazine into an Ork horde with no effect, Asshole abandoned his cover, howled madly into the sky, and broke his sniper rifle neatly in half across his knee. He charged the band, tearing limbs from any greenskin that stood in his way, until he was standing face-to-face with the Boss Mek. Asshole took the two halves of his ruined rifle and spitted the Ork from both ends of his digestive track, right through his flash kustom 'ardpantz. The rest of the mob turned tail and ran. For his heroism, Asshole was immediately inducted to the 5th Company and promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Shortly afterward, the Chapter Master judged that the newbies were pissed off enough, and reinstated the Angry Gangs.

Asshole rose quickly through the ranks, finally becoming Brother-Captain of the Battle Barge Killfuck Soulshitter in 722.M39. During his career, he developed a special hatred of Eldar, and would often be heard to claim that "THEY MAY AS WELL BE GODDAMN PRETTY MARINES FOR ALL THEIR FAIRYASSED PANTSHITTERY." In 756.M39, the Killfuck Soulshitter was called to push back an incursion on the Coluphid Sector by Eldar. The campaign was a terrifying success, and in its last moments, Captain Asshole confronted the Farseer Turiel and her daughter Sorith, one of the Seer Council, personally. Breaking Sorith and casting her blithely aside in one swift blow, the Captain approached the Farseer, shaking with rage. Before she could react, he slammed her to the ground, removed his groinplate, and raped her brutally. As he finished, he rose, readjusted his armor, and looked Sorith in the eyes, saying "I FUCKED YOUR MOM." He turned and left as the two witches stole into the Webway. A Marine in Asshole's retinue, puzzled, asked "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THOSE DYKES GET AWAY, YOU STUPID CUNT?" In an astonishing display of restraint, Asshole said simply "THOSE SPACE QUEERS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN PLAN AHEAD, YOU DICKSUCK."

In 989.M39, Captain Asshole received a pizza with mushrooms instead of pineapple, and suffered an aneurysm while killing those responsible. He was entombed in one of the Chapter's Belligerent Engines. Thirty years later, the Chapter met the same Eldar again on the field of battle. The carnage played out much the same as before, leaving only Captain Asshole, Farseer Turiel, and Sorith. Once again Sorith was cast aside. Once again, Turiel was restrained. A terrible din was heard, and after some time, it could be seen that Captain Asshole's turgid member had punched right through the armor plating of the Dreadnought, and lodged itself just between the buttocks of the Farseer. He turned to Sorith and spoke his last words to her before slaughtering them both.

"EVEN IN DEATH, I STILL FUCK YOUR MOM."
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Thought for the Day: Hatred is the purest expression of love for the Emperor.
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I also found Home Improvement, with Marneus Calgar
WARNING: LENGTHY

Kudos to Erenthal of 40kOnline.

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The camera makes a swooping move, ending in a garden, outside what appears to be a Eldar house. Marneus Calgar and four other Marines are standing outside the door. They are not wearing any helmets, instead they are wearing yellow hard-hats.

Marneus: Hi everybody, and welcome the my new show, "Home Improvement" with me, Marneus Calgar. To kick of our very first episode, we have a very special guest, whose house is going to get a make over! It´s none other that farseer extrordinare, and all round alien scum, Eldrad Ulthran!

Marneus knocks rather hard on the door. Afte a good while, Eldrad opens it. He´s wearing his night-clothes, covered in litte pictures of Khaine. He gets a look of extreme suspicion in his eyes when he sees Calgar.

Eldrad: Yeees?

Marneus: Congratulations Eldrad! You have been selected to get a free house makeover, on galaxywide T.V!

Eldrad: I didn´t sign up for this.

Marneus: Nobody does.

Two of the Marines manhandle Eldrad out of the house and he disspears from view. Marneus enters the house.

Marneus: Let´s see. We will as always start with the hallway.

The camera makes a sweep over the hallway. It´s white, and there´s a small sofa and a table with a lamp..

Marneus: As we all know, a mans home is his fortress. Now, what would happen if a slvering Carnifex broke into Eldrads hallway? What would he do? Beat him of with a lamp?

Marneus makes a imitation of Eldrad trying to fend of a carnifex with a lamp. The marines roll on the floor with laughter.

Marneus: But fear not! We will help Eldrad! Get to work my brothers!

The Marines beging erecting steel bulkheads along the walls. In the centre, they mount a huge multimelta on a tripod.

Marneus: There, much better. Now on to the living room.

They enter Eldrads living room. It´s a spacious room, filled with exquisite whraithbone ornaments, and spiritstones decorating the walls. Marneus frowns.

Marneus: While Eldrads room might be chique in certain circles, it´s so M.35:ish.... We can do better than that. First though, we have to clear the room.

The marines begin to rip apart the room with the aid of chainswords and powerfists. You can almost hear the faint screams of the eldar spirits when Marneus powerfists smash into the wraithbone covered wall. After a good 30 minutes of wanton destruction, the room is barren. Marneus wipes the sweat from his brow.

Marneus: There, now we can begin decorating. While my brothers are doing that, we can look at the garden.

The camera once again shows Eldrads beautiful garden.

Marneus: Nice, but not wartorn enough for my taste. Brother Altus?

Brother Altus hops on a Marine-bike and begins revving around the garden, leaving deep deep trackmarsk everywhere. Marnues nods, satisfied.

Marneus: Now, for the most important room in the house. The bedroom!

Eldrads bedroom is a sombre place, with a simple cot to sleep on. The room is however dominated by a big mural on one wall, depicting the Eldar gods in one of their wars. It´s magnificent.

Marneus: Today, is the annual of the day when the Emperor defeated the traitor warlord Horus! And what better way to celebrate it, than with a HUGE wallpainting depicting this glorious victory?!

With those words, he begins to paint over the mural. A while later the Marines gather in the livingroom, wich is now dominated by a huge gold Imperial Eagle hanging from the ceiling. Small statues of the Emperor has also been placed everywhere.

Marneus: Now, for the final touches! An new entrance into the kitchen into the living room...

He smashes through the wall with his powerfist. A crude doorway into the kitchen is formed.

Marneus: Some new literature for Eldrad to read, including a SIGNED copy of my new biography, "Marneus, the man behind the armour"!

One of the marines takes up a flamer and roasts Eldrads old books, lying in a pile on the floor. Another marine erects a crude bookshelf and fills it with Empire-approved books.

Marneus: Now, it´s time for Eldrad to see what we have accomplished. I´m sure he´ll be overjoyed!

Eldrad steps in. The camera is so close to Eldrad that you can actually see the vein in his forehead burst.

Eldrad: What in the name of Khaine´s seven body orifices have you done to my house!?!?

Marneus (looking truly hurt): You don´t like it?

The singing spear targeted at his heart is answer enough. As the camera slowly fades out, we see Eldrad and Marneus wrestling on the floor, shouting curses at each other.

FINI.

__________________________________________________

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

As the camera fades in, we see Marneus and a squad of Marines standing in what appears to be an assault boat.

Marneus: Welcome everybody, to "Home Improvment", with me, Marneus Calgar! For todays show, we´ve got something really special. That´s right, we´re going to redecorate a Hive Ship! If we Ultramarines have learned anything about the Tyranids, it is that they have really bad taste in furniture...

The ship rocks as they make contact with the bio-ships surface. The ramp lowers.

Marneus (holding his nose): My god, what IS that stench?

One of the Marines points to a large orifice in a wall.

Marine: Sir, the stench seems to come from that, umm, hole...

Marneus: Well, do something about it then!

The Marines lobs several Krakgrenades down the hole.

Marneus (surveying the room): Now then, on to decorating. As we can clearly see, the Nids are going for the "veiny and pulsating" style, that was so popular a few years ago. However, nowadays this is hopelessly out of style. But do not worry, we will help them!

The marines, now armed with paintbrushes and paintbuckets begins to apply a thick coat of blue paint to the living walls.

Marneus: As you all can see, the Ultramarine blue matches the gory red of the ceiling fantasticly. Another tip is to mix in a bit of Rhino-fuel in the paint to make it stick to living matter. All these tips and many more can be found in my new book, "Painting made easy, Calgar-style". A number will be displayed right after the show, for ease of ordering.

From the adjacent tunnel, chittering can be heard. It grows and grows in intensity.

Marneus: Oh, I almost forgot to mention. Not all creatures in the galaxy has the same fashion sense as I. Amongst those are genestealers, who reside in large numbers on Hive-ships such as these. They can be quite the annoyance when you work. So, just for this occasion, we have a special guest star! Please welcome Chaplain Xavier, from the immensly popular *grumble grumble* show, Cooking with Chaplain Xavier!

Marneus reaches out and drags Xavier on screen. Xavier waves into the camera.

Xavier: Hi. Umm, Marneus, you said there would be cooking. I don´t see any cooking though...

Marneus (pointing to the chittering tunnel): In there, they are all waiting for you.

Marneus shows Xavier, who is hefting a flamer, into the tunnel.

Xavier (in the distance): Hey, there isn´t anyone here. Hold on, who goes there? Holy cupcakes of the Emperor, Stealers! Ouch, stop that, those claws are sharp! Hey, i said stop it! Allright, thats it. I´ts coooooooking time!

Flaming, alien screams, the sound of claws cutting into ceramite, the sound of alien skulls crushing and the distinct whooping and cheering of Xavier are all heard from the tunnel.

Marneus: Now, let´s get back to decorating. Don´t worry folks, Xavier is doing just fine.

The marines are finished painting and are now hanging up tapestries and small chandeliers. Marneus himself is carving out a statue of the Emperor from the wall with his powerfist. Surprisingly, it actually looks like the Emperor.

Marneus: Well, thats all we have for you today. The producer just informed me that we have run out of time. But don´t worry, we´ll be back next week, with more Home Improvement.

Xavier walks in, dragging a huge pice of roasted meat. He is completly unscathed.

Xavier: Let´s eat!

They all hunker down on the floor. Soon singin erupts. They are roughly interupted by a Carnifex, storming into the chamber and trampling two of the Marines. The Fex then snaps Marneus statue in half.

Marneus: No! You b*stard, I worked hard on that!

As the camera slowly fades out, Marneus and the Fex are wrestling on the floor, Marneus spouting obscenities and the Fex roaring wildly.

END.

______________________________________________

The madness continues...

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.

Marneus: Well, you all know who I am, and what I do, so lets get down to bussiness, mkay? Today we have a very special episode. We are going to let a team from our brother chapter the Space Wolfes, redecorate the Fortress monastery of the Dark Angels chapter, also known as The Rock! And ofcourse, next week the Angels are going to return the favour. Paint will be spilled, walls will be smashed down and hilarity will ensue. Let´s get on with it!

Five Space Marines walks on stage, their markings clearly identifying them as Space Wolfes. They are all wearing the same yellow hard hats as Marneus and his brother Marines were wearing in the first episode. The hard hats look ridicoulusly small on the giant Marines.

Marneus: Well boys, are you excited?

Space Wolf 1: Sure are Calg. We´re really looking forward to this. Me and Ragnar here will do the painting, Anwulf will do all the light fixtures, Erik will work the floors. And finally Bob here (He indicates the fifth marine, who is grinning wildly and hefting a power sledge) will organize all the wanton destruction.

Marneus: Sounds marvelous. Well, in the name of the Emperor, of you go!

The Wolfs rush of stage into a waiting Thunderhawk.

Marneus: Now while they are working, we have 2 hours to spare. So without further ado, please welcome the galaxy-famous dance troupe "Spandex for Khaine"! They´ve come here all the way from the webway, and are going to perform "The fall of the Eldar race".

The camera pivots to reveal a poorly constructed scene, complete with tacky curtains and all. A dozen Harlequins, dressed in marvelous clothes are brutally shoved on stage by Ultramarine stage hands. The Harlequins look rather unhappy, but begin to dance nonetheless. After 1 hour and 59 minutes they are done, and they all collapse on stage from exhaustion. Marneus applauds curtly, then gives a nod to somebody offstage. On cue, 3 Marines with chainswords revving gets on the stage and walks firmly towards the collapsed Eldar. Thankfully the camera turns away at the last moment. The viewers are left only with the horrible sounds erupting from the stage.

Marneus: Now wasn´t that great? Anyhow, time to check up on our friends at the Rock!

[/i]The camera cuts, and then returns. We see Marneus standing in what appears to be the interior of the Rock. Four of the Space Wolfs are there with him.[/i]

Marneus: Where´s Bob?

Space Wolf 1: He got so carried away with the task of creating new and exciting doorways that he punched a hole through a wall.

Space Wolf 2: An exterior wall.

Marneus: Oh. Well, tell me what you have done.

They walk through the deserted hallways of the Rock.

Space Wolf 1: We noticed there was a considerable lack of imagery depicting our beloved father Leman Russ.

Space Wolf 2: We fixed that. Didn´t we Erik?

Space Wolf 3: Sure did. Boy will our fellow Marines be surprised when they enter their dining hall and find a 400 feet tall painting of Russ strangling Lion El´Jonson. I consider that painting a personal masterpiece. It´s extremely detailed, down to the 10 feet bulging eyes of Jonson.

Marneus: I´m sure it is. Now what about the basement? That´s often the most overlooked part of a house. By the way, you can read about that in my new book, "Fire Down Below, Cellars Explained by Calgar."

Space Wolf 3: Sheesh, let me tell you, the Angels have no taste in cellars... not a roaring fireplace or hunk of raw meat in sight.

They wander down into the cellars.

Space Wolf 2: Awful I tell you. Instead, there were these small wretched creatures scuttling about. Watchers in the Dark I think he called them.

Marneus: Who called them that?

Space Wolf 2: That chap. He even taught us how to make excellent roast out of them.

He jabs a finger down a corridor. In the bright light of a portable grilling device sits an eerily familiar person, dressed in green power armour. He has several Watchers in the Dark impaled on a stick, slowly roasting.

Space Wolf 3: But that´s not all of it. Everywhere there were these jail cells, and there were Marines locked up! I think the sign said "Dungeon of the Fallen". Anyways, we let them out. Rude devils didn´t even thank us, just ran their way.

Marneus: I love what you´ve done to the lighting down here.

Space Wolf 3: Thanks.

They move on, finally stopping outside a ornate door.The sign says "Private! Do not enter!"

Marneus: And this is?

Space Wolf 1: The private chambers of Azrael.

Marneus: Oh, can i see what... (Bends down to open the door, but is stopped by Space Wolf 1.)

Space Wolf 1: Wouldn´t open that if i were you. We left a small present for Azrael. A token of friendship if you like.

Marneus: Present? Like a Master crafted weapon? A ancient copy of Codex Astartes? Flowers?

Space Wolf 2: Nope. 74 Fenrisian wolfs.

Marneus: Emperors underwear! How on Terra did you manage to get seventyfour 400 pound wolfs into a space, how big?

Space Wolf 3: 3 by 5 meters.

Marneus: 15 square meters.

Space Wolf 2: We don´t really know, but its a wonder the doors holding...

The door creaks considerably, and faint animal moans are heard from inside.

Marneus: It looks like you boys did a fine job! But unfortunately that´s all we have time for today. Tune in the next week for the follow up. Now let´s get out of here before Azrael returns. I don+t want to end up in another wrestling match. My arms still a bit sore since that Fex lats time.

END.

___________________________________________

The madness continues...

+++CONNECTING+++
+++LOADING "HOME IMPROVEMENT"+++

The intro for HIWMC plays. Marneus is seen sawing, hammering in nails, and hugging small children.

The opening shot is of Marneus standing on the HIWMC stage. He waves to the camera.

Marneus: Hello again faithful viewers! As you all know, last time we let a team of Space Wolfs redecorate the Dark Angles fortress. The results were simply astounding. When Azrael saw what they had accomplished, he suffered FOUR simultaneus heart attacks! Boy was he glad he had that secondary heart... Anyways, on to todays show! Please welcome the Dark Angels!

Applause from the audience as five Dark Angel space marines enter the stage from a side door. They are brandishing meltaguns, chainswords and big nasty-looking melta charges. Uncertainly they wave at the audience.

Marneus: Welcome to the show. You guys excited?

Dark Angel 1 (grimly): Yep. We have a score to settle. Our esteemed brothers, the Space Wolfs, did such a "wonderful" job last time on the show. We simply must return the "favour"...

Marneus: Sounds great! You have a special plan of action?

Dark Angel 2: Smash and tear...

Dark Angel 1 (Shushin at Dark Angel 2): Umm, the usual. Carpets, some nice lighting and murals.

Dark Angel 3: But you said that we would smahs and burn and loot and...

Dark Angel 3 is silenced by Dark Angel 1´s fist.

Dark Angel 1: Carpets.

Marneus: Oh-kay. We´ll off you go!

The Dark Angels march off to a waiting Thunderhawk.

Marneus: Now as usual while we wait, we have some high class entertainment for you! Not like that two bit hack *Ahem*Xavier*Ahem*. I proudly present to you, THE FIRST COMPANY TAP-DANCERS!

The camera pans to reveal a shoddy scene constructed in the shuttlebay of Marneus battle-barge. The curtains open. The Ultramarines first company is standing on the stage, dressed in Tactical Dreadnought armour.

Marneus: Take it away boys!

The Terminators start tapping away. Their heavy ceramite boots are making deep marks in the floor, and the sound is deafening. Marneus is clapping his hands in rythm and smiling.

Marneus (Shouting to make himself heard): And now brother Tiberius solo!

The venerable librarian taps away frenetically. His tapping further and further away from the center of the stage. As the Terminators clap their powerfists in an ever increasing rythm Tiberius is working himself into a frenzy. Too late he sees the "Emergency hatch opening" button on the wall. His ceramite shoulder pad slams into the button.

Tiberius: Cr*p.

A horrible sucking noise is heard as the 10 meter high shutters open into the cold vacuum of space. Terminators are sucked screaming into space, Tiberius is cursing wildy as he looses his grip and dissapears. Marneus is clinging onto a railing, holding on for his life. Finally the shutters auto close.

Marneus: Ummm. That was certainly unexpected.

He goes to a window.

Marneus: Don´t worry folks, they are A-okay! I think...

Outside marines are bobbing in space, flailing desperatly with their arms and legs. Suddenly a huge asteroid passes by the battle barge, sweeping everything with it. Then a big hand is placed over the camera lens, moving it away. Then we see Marneus face close up. He is smiling a big nervous smile.

Marneus: Let´s see how our Dark Angles are doing!

The camera cuts. When we join Marneus again, he´s standing outside the Fang. Faint smoke is seen rising from it. As he enters the main hall he is joined by the Dark Angels.

Marneus: Well, I´m simply dying to hear what you have done with this place.

Dark Angel 1: Well Marneus, as you can see we have been hard at work. We´ll start right here. As you might remember, the Wolfs made a roof painting in our dining hall commemorating a moment in Imperial history. We decided that such kindness should not go unanswerd. (He points to the roof) This is a less known moment in our glorious history, but important none the less.

Marneus (Gazing up at the roof): It´s Leman Russ getting raped by a Bloodthirster...

Dark Angel 1: Yes. Beautiful, isn´t it? Notice the detail, down to the expression of horror on Russ´s face.

Marneus: Riiight. Moving on.

They wander down the gigantic corridors, occasionly passing by a kicked in door or melta-blasted wall. They enter a cavern, filled with small fenced in areas.

Dark Angel 2: This is were they keep those big wolfs of theirs.

Marneus: Speaking of, were are they?

Dark Angel 3: Oh, some dude in green Power armour came by and took them all. He muttered something about cooking.

Marneus: I won´t press the issue.

They reach an ancient room, filled with generators and various technical artifacts. A large podium is at the end of the room.

Dark Angel 1: This is the room were we found that big hunk-o-junk. I think the sign said "Bjorn" something.

Marneus: Bjorn the Fellhanded, ancient dreadnought hero, champion of Leman Russ and defender of the Fang?

Dark Angel 1: That´s the chap. Quite ferocious actually. We threw him on the wastedump out back.

Marneus: He didn´t resist?

Dark Angel 2 (patting his meltagun): He was quite cooperative after a few blasts of this baby...

Marneus: I´m sorry, but this is all we have time for today. Tune in next week, when we´ll visit Kharn the Berzerker in his Palace of Flesh. I sense some serious redecorating coming up...

A roar is heard, and suddenly a dreadnought burst in through the wall. It´s Bjorn and he´s a bit upset by the looks if it. Deep melta scars decorate his armour.

Dark Angel 2: Back i say! Back!

He fires at Bjorn, who only gets madder. He throws his multi tonnes body at Marneus. As the camera fades out, we see Bjorn holding Marneus by the crotch with his gigantic powerfist. Marneus is screaming obscenites and is trying to rip Bjorns arm off.

END.

_______________________________________________

One more, for the good old days...

+++BEGIN TRANSMISSION+++

The intro plays. Several scenes flash by, Marneus hammering in nails, Marneus painting walls, Marneus running in terror from a mob of angry homeowners... The text "Home Improvement with Marneus Calgar" appears, the the camera cuts to the man in blue himself.

Marneus is standing outside a reddish building, his helmet removed and wearing his distinctive yellow hardhat, complete with bloodspatters...

Marneus: Hello, and welcome to a new episode of HIWMC! It´s been a while since the last episode, but we have been hard at work, solving an unfortunate legal dispute with the the Space Wolfes and the Dark Angels... Thanks to the b*stards in the head office and their love for that hack Xavier, we are now operating on half the regular budget. That means no pause entertainment, no audience and no Tau-sandwiches! D*MN YOU ALL!

He takes a moment to calm himself down.

Marneus: Well, today we are standing here on a unknown deamonworld, outside a house that is owned by none other than the ferocious Kharn the Betrayer!

He knocks on the door. The door is obviously made of flesh, with big veins running down the lenght of it. On a wooden beam placed in eye level is written "K.T. Betrayer". A small welcome-mat decorated with sunflowers is in front of the door. Nobody answers.

Marneus: OPEN UP YOU BIG BAG OF EMPEROR-FORGOTTEN SCUM!

Footsteps are heard from inside, and the door opens. Kharn the Betrayer, World-eater and traitor of men stands in the opening. He´s wearing red bloodstained power armour and a horned helmet. He is also wearing an apron, decorated with small stylized bloodthirsters, dancing happily with each other.

Kharn: Are you selling something?

Marneus: No, we´re....

Kharn: I don´t buy stuff from door-salesmen.

Marneus sniffs in the air.

Marneus: No, we are from Imperial Television and we are recording... Is that cookies i smell?!

Kharn (Looking rather ashamed): Yes, I was just baking some chocolate chip ones. Wait... are we on television right now?

Marneus: Yes.

Kharn rips of the apron, pounds his chest and begins to roar.

Kharn: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE...

He is cut short by Marneus rather large powerfist. Kharn drops like a bag of potatoes.

Marneus: Stuff him in the Rhino, and get him out of here. We´ve got some redecorating to do!

Marneus and his crew all go inside. They enter the hallway, and proceed into the living room.

Marneus:As we can see, Kharn has some... questionable taste in furnishing. But, oh my! Look at that chair!

He indicates a large recliner in the corner, made in black leather with real wood furnishing. He aproaches it and strokes the surface.

Marneus: And look, it´s even got built-in massage! Ahem, I mean, how heretical! Brother Bob, please take this instrument of heresy to my personal Thunderhawk, and have it delivered to quarters on Ultramar. I must personally oversee the... umm... destruction of such an heretical artifact.

Brother Bob hefts the recliner in his arms and exits. Marneus is giddy with joy.

Marneus: Bob! Be sure to take that heretical T.V table too... It would be perfect for my living room. Umm, i mean, we must burn and cleanse it!

Crewmember (offscreen): Hey Marneus, i spotted a blashpemous gold-plated bath-tub in here! Is it okay if I "liberate" it?

Marneus: Of course my brother! We must save Kharn from these foul objects. But enough with the looting, i mean soul-saving, for now! Let´s look at the kitchen.

Marneus enters the kitchen. It´s small and cosy, with a ancient oven in the corner. On top of it sits a tray of freshly baked cookies. Marneus helps himself to a dozen or so.

Marneus: Mmmgluff, I do this for mankind! Gluffgluffmmmmghlfff. Delicious! Now then, lets see what we have here. Clearly, Kharn is opting for a rustic, somewhat rural style of decorating in here. The flesh-walls are complemented nicely by the wood furnishings and woven rugs. However, today we are going for a more Hip-urban style...

He begins to tear out all the wood furnishings, replacing them with steel-slabs and cog-wheels. He nails a notice board to the wall above the table.

Marneus: A top-tip is to use one of these boards for your memory needs. On this board, Kharn can keep track of all his activities and ritual sacrifices. I use 12" steel nails as you can see. Using nails is a art not easily mastered. Fortunately i explain it all in my new book: "Shaft of steel, nailing made easy by M. Calgar." It´s available in all well-stocked book-stores. Do not however confuse it with the similarily named "Shaft of steel, pleasing the ladies, by C. Yarrick." That dirty man does not deserve your money!

In the background, the still hot oven has made Kharns curtains catch flame. The fire quickly leaps to the newly nailed up notice board and the roof. Marneus hard hat catches on fire. Screaming like a girl, he runs out of the house, wich is quickly turned into a fiery inferno. Marneus and the crew can do nothing but watch.

Crewmember: Boss, Kharn is beginning to wake up. What should we do?

Marneus: Umm, dump him on the street. (To the viewers) And that´s about all the time we had today! Hope you enjoyed it as much as usual! See you next time!

Marneus blasts off in his Thunderhawk, leaving the slowly recovering Kharn alone. As he opens his eyes and looks at the inferno consuming his home, tears fall on his heretical cheeks for the first time in many thousand years...

Kharn: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
 

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+++Connecting to Imper-Net Entertainment Centre...+++
+++Routing to Ultramar Broadcasting Frequencies...+++
+++Installing Viruses onto your terminal...+++
+++Downloading data...+++
+++Transmission begins...+++

"Chaplain Xavier is so much more than a lousy Imper-net entertainment show: It's a really, really lousy Imper-net entertainment show!

Along with air-time, there are books, vox-pict recordings, live displays (outlawed by almost everyone for being more violent than a World Eaters invasion) and there's a movie due any year now.

So, after much talking, shouting, begging, pleading, and finally a night of savage, blood-soaked horror, Chaplain Xavier has returned, and we at the Ultramar News Network wish him well, and pray he never shares out studio..."
-Captain Apollo, UNN.



Episode I
Program starts, showing a dark world. Music begins, choiral and increasing in drama as the dawn breaks, and the words "Cooking with Chaplain Xavier" emerge.

Music suddenly changes to fast-paced metal, showing a bike roaring across open fields, running down fleeing xenos. Xavier is waving a Thunder Hammer, grinning like a madman high on happy-pills.

Music stops, and show cuts to a kitchen.
"Hello friends! Welcome to another series of Cooking with Chaplain Xavier!"
Xavier continues, after the screaming has stopped.
"Well, today we'll be dealing with one of my favourite forms of xenos scu- I mean alien; the Kroot!"
"Now it has long been known that Kroot can eat anything, but today we'll prove that the opposite is also true! Let's go fetch a Kroot..."
Scene cuts to a grassy savanah. Xavier and several Marines are sat with bird whistles.
"Now, we just need to be patient..."
They sit there for several minutes, making calls, and generally getting board.
"Ah frag this... Charge!"
The crew leap onto several nearby bikes, and race towards the Kroot. Xavier boots one to the floor, and drags a large oven into shot.
"Now, first we need to prepare our Kroot by stuffing it... now kids, this part has an 18 rating... so make sure you're parents don't know you're watching!"
The Kroot screams endlessly as large handfulls of basil-flavoured stuffing is violently inserted.
"Next, we gently cook..."
Kroot vanishes under the roaring blast of a Meltagun.
"...and shove it in the oven for several hours... fortunately, here's one we prepared earlier!"
Xavier removes a pre-cooked slab of Kroot steak, and places it on a plate.
"At a few potatoes, some carrots, and a splash of gravy... there! Instant Kroot delights! Be sure to tune in tomorrow, where we'll show a few more examples of the variety of Kroot-based meals you can make..."


+++End Transmission+++
 

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+++ACCESSING IMPER-NET ENTERTAINMENT CENTRE+++
+++DOWNLOADING TO TEMPORARY BUFFER+++
+++PLAYING VID-FILE+++
+++THOUGHT FOR THE EPISODE: The classic load-screen is always the best...+++

Xavieris busy pounding a Kroot Hound into the floor when the camera focuses on him.
"Hello, and welcome to Cooking with Chaplain Xavier! Today, we'll be proving that the big, ugly, shambling Knarloc does indeed have a place in the Imperium; at the bottom of the food chain!"
"To assist us, I've called in a special guest..."
There are brief sounds of struggling, swearing, and then pleading, as Abaddon and Kharn the Betrayer are dragged into shot.
"How did we get on this show!?"
Kharn hangs his head, "Too busy killing Lucius to run."
"Well then," Xavier's grin makes even Kharn feel uncomfortable, "let's get started! First, we need to kill the Knarloc's bodyguards, then cap-"
"Gorechild will drink blood!"
Kharn leaps. There is a long period of screaming.
"Yes... well... thankyou, Kharn, but I wasn't actually asking you to kill Abaddon... still, no harm done eh?"
"No harm!? What about me!?" Abaddon cries, covered in hundreds of bloody wounds.
"What about you?"

Eventually, Kharn is pointed in the correct direction, and the Knarloc is captured. Xavier draws his trademark hammer.
"And now... to tenderise!"
After much smashing, the Knarloc is flattened into a bloody pulp. He places some of the meat on a BBQ.
"Now many will know that much of the Knarloc is shoddy, unpalatable gristle... so we'll send that off to MacDonalds to go into the Chicken MacNuggets.
The BBQ chimes, and Xavier removes a plate of bacon.
"There we are! Perfect for any occasion... oh, Kharn, I think Abaddon said he was going to take your share..."
Abaddon whimpers, Kharn roars.
"Still my bacon buttie!? BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!"
Xavier grins, and watches the carnage as the words...


+++END TRANSMISSION+++
 

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+++Connecting to Imper-Net Entertainment Centre via AOL...+++
+++...Connection Failed.+++
+++Retry... Failed.+++
+++Retry... Failed.+++
+++Retry... Failed.+++
+++Attaching the Modem to a toaster... succesful+++
+++Thought for the Day: AOL is amphetamine parrot.+++

Xavier is stood upon a hill covered with dead Dark Eldar. He seems unhappy, despite the massive amount of dead xenos.
"Bloody Emperor's Haemorrhoids! Where the hell are all the sodding Mandrakes!? How am I supposed to make a plate of Mandrake Munchies if the bastards won't show up and get hammered!?"
Xavier spots on. The Eldar, realising his danger, tries to run. Xavier hurls the Thunder Hammer, smashing his leg off at the knee.
"About bloody time matey!"

Xavier grabs the fallen xeno, and hurls him onto a large oven tray.
"Right! First, we take our Mandrake... that's him."
"Excuse me..."
"Next, we add some flour..."
"Could I just-" the Mandrake stutters, trying not to choke on flour.
"Throw in four eggs..."
"Ow! Ow! Hey! Ow! Stoppit! Ow! Please stop!"
"A splash of vinegar..."
"My eyes! It burns! It buuurrns!!!"
"And don't forget the chocolate... molten naturally."
"My skin is on fire! I'm dying from chocolate!"
"There are worse ways I assure you..."
Xavier shoves the tray in the oven, and reaches for the dial. The Mandrake leans against the panel.
"Wait! Please!"
"What is it?"
"I only ask one thing; that I can die in a less painful manner."
"Such as?"
The Mandrake thinks for a moment, "Did you kill the Haemonculi?"
"Yes, so too bad!"
Xavier cranks up the oven, and the Mandrake's deathscream echoes from within.
"Aaaaand... voila!"
Xavier removes six perfect biscuits.
"Lovely aren't they? Tune in next week when we..."
Xavier looks around the battlefield, but finds no-one.
"...will be somewhere else. Okay, who let the bloody Eldar leg it on me!?"

+++Stop the program already!+++
 

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+++Connecting to Impernet Entertainment Centre...+++
+++...Error connecting to Server.+++
[Techmarine Mechan Has Logged On]
{Query: Cause of Error?}
+++...Insufficient bandwidth.+++
{Query: Why?}
+++...Dawn of War multiplayer is using all available bandwidth.+++
{Command: Access DoW Chat system}
+++...Accessed.+++
{Display for player Id "Sexytemplar18": Boromirous, get the hell off that bloody game! We're trying to watch CWCX!}
[.!..]
{Display for player Id "Sexytemplar18": If you don't get the hell of that game RIGHT NOW, I will arrange for you to be transferred on as the next Special Guest.}
[!!!]
+++DoW program shut down. Bandwidth requirements met.+++
+++Accessing Impernet entertainment centre...+++
+++Downloading episode...+++
+++Playing...+++
Xavier is stood in a cargo hold. A large Ogryn can be seen behind him.
"Hello, and welcome to Co-"
"Ullo!" The Ogryn shouts.
"Thankyou. As I was saying, wel-"
"Ullo!"
"Welcome to C-"
"Ullo!"
Xavier swings his hammer forcefully, smashing the Ogryn in the groin.
"...ouch"
"Welcome to Cooking with Chaplain Xavier! Today's episode will be slightly different than normal. Thanks to a helpful piece of Eldar-" Xavier spits "-technology, we have been able to break the 4th wall for just long enough to bring someone through. Say hello to this pathetic soul..."
The figure is wearing a baggy black t-shirt with the name of some obscure (and crap) band upon it. His hairstyle would have suited a drowned rat better. His fingers are ruined, covered with clipper-scars and superglue, and bits of models hang from his ears.
"Now, this loser... I mean helper, is going to prove that those dumb-ass 6 year olds who think they know everything are actually good for something... First off, we need to get him into a pot..."
Xavier tosses a small object into a large pan. The kid spots it.
"OMFG! Da new Space weevil Kablaminator modal! Dat iz 2 l33t! I must ownz it!"
The brat jumps into the pan. Xavier chunks in a krak grenade, and holds the lid down.
"Now to prepare the meat..."
The explosion nearly blows the pan apart.
"Add a sprinkling of peppers, a few spoonfuls of yellow curry powder... there! Perfect noob food!"
Xavier brings out a plate of yellow curry and fried rice.
"Try it yourself... it's not like anyone gives a damn about them."
+++Ending Program... and logging back onto DoW+++
 
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