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Great Unclean One
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2,611 Posts
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THE IMPERIUM TONIGHT
ALL THE LATEST NEWS FROM ACROSS THE GALAXY


LATEST HEADLINES


• Daemon Prince of Khorne sues Inquisition
Gul’Thurg, Flayer Of Souls has filed a suit against the Inquisition for 'oppressing his right to personal religious freedom of expression' after a squad of Grey Knights ended his killing spree on Eprion Sextus, in which over 400 people were killed and exsanguinated. Garg the Butcher, representing Gul’Thurg, described the Grey Knights’ actions as ‘just another example of the unjustified violence directed against us on a regular basis. BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!’ The Inquisition were unavailable for comment.

Video interview with Gul’Thurg available. Warning – contains images that may be disturbing.

• New Orkish search engine WAAAGHOO! causes problems
On the night it goes live, Ork-only search engine Waaaghoo! has already caused chaos on the net as over 800 million Orks all search for 'Da Inturnet' simultaneously, crashing the net across the entire Calixis Sector.

• Slaaneshi priest accused over porn charges
Sleer The Licentious, accused by his congregation of downloading 7,000 terabytes of porn in the last year, apologises for slacking and says he'll try to download more. A spokesperson for Sleer’s temple said ‘it’s just about standards, really, we...er...y’know. Standards. Gotta keep up, like, those...like...wait...what was I saying? Woo...’ before passing out in a drug-induced stupor.

Video interview removed by the Ordo Hereticus.

• Imperium Tonight sues Ordo Hereticus for ‘excessive censorship’

Story removed by the Ordo Hereticus.

• Adepta Sororitas takes record forty-eighth title
And in sports news, the annual Inter-Segmentum Scrumball Championships have been won by the Adepta Sororitas for a record forty-eighth time, after complaints of excessive on-pitch violence by the team during their final game against the Kasrkin were dismissed by Canoness de Sade. A strong last-minute challenge from the Tyranids failed after they forfeited their last match by eating the ball, the referee, the opposing team and over 400 of the spectators.

Video of the final match between the Adepta Sororitas and the Kasrkin available. Warning – contains images that may be disturbing.


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Unfinished Project King
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7,409 Posts
Very funny! I especially like the first one about the Daemon Prince suing the Inquistion. Classic! :laugh:
 

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I am Alpharius.
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8,375 Posts
:laugh: This saved my day! Your a genius! + rep! You must do more of this stuff, seriously, a lot more! I demand more!
 

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381 Posts
i agree with what everone else said, but seriously if the kasrkin dont beat the sisters next year im gonna have to support some else :(
 

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Unfinished Project King
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Adepta Sororitas all the way.... Their after parties are killer:biggrin:
 

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1,537 Posts
A good start. I tried to give you good Rep, but my Rep button has been removed by the Inquisition! :security:
 

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Awesome... Pure awesome. +rep, given from inside the stomach of a Carnifex from the Jormungandr Giants tyranid scrumball team. I did support the Squat Subterraneans, but they all got eaten by the tyranids in that last fateful scrumball match... So now I support the Khorne Killers, listening to their games on a radio that this Carnifex also digested.

Anyway, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in years. Great work, and I hope to see more!
 

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Critique for da CriticGod
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Well, I'm glad we have such a distinguished commentator. But so help me Svart, if you get all our hopes up only to declare your true calling is new age music and hollistic vitamin supplements . . .
 

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I'd ask Ploss if he could include this in The Heretic at some point, I think it would fit in pretty well. :)

Oh and I'll go with the crowd this time, MORE, MORE, MORE!!! :laugh:
 
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