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Great Unclean One
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2,611 Posts
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THE IMPERIUM TONIGHT
ALL THE LATEST NEWS FROM ACROSS THE GALAXY


LATEST HEADLINES

• Khan denies speeding charges
Kor’sarro Khan, charged with travelling at over three hundred and fifty kilometres per hour in a hive zone, has had his claim that he was ‘in hot pursuit of enemies of the Imperium’ turned down by local Arbites who produced video evidence that he had in fact merely been on his way to pick up beer before heading back to his Chapter’s fortress in Khum Karta. Khan is currently appealing the charges on the grounds of being much, much bigger than the Arbites officers in question.

• Tour company sued as death toll rises
After another instance of their ‘Totally Tombworld’ excursions where not one of the five thousand passengers survived beyond the third day, Eye Of Terror Tours are now being sued by the relatives of the ill-fated tourists involved. The company has issued the following statement: “This again? OK, seems we have to remind people once again that the disclaimer in the booking form for all of our cruise packages clearly states that any incapacity - including but not restricted to limb loss, permanent derangement, vapourisation, possession by dimensionally-challenged entities or death - resulting from encounters with beings that are clearly implicit in the tour’s description remains their own responsibility. We’re on solid legal ground here. I mean, come on, it’s not our fault if some people don’t read the fine print; remember what happened in the ‘Hive Fleet Happy Hour’ case, yeah?”

Video of Eye Of Terror Tours’ advert for ‘Totally Tombworld’ cruise available.

• Ordo Xenos investigates Eye Of Terror Tours

Story removed by the Ordo Xenos.

• Penal legions demand worse conditions
Members of some Imperial Guard penal legions are threatening strike action over their treatment, claiming that they feel even harsher conditions would motivate them more strongly towards their rehabilitation and that their current regime is letting them down as a result. A member of the 12th Borovian Mine Clearers said: “If the point is to turn us into good Guardsmen again, then it’s not working; we’re just as undisciplined, malcontent and disobedient as we ever were. Clearly they’re not holding up their end of the deal!” The Union of Commissars, Enforcers and Associated Morale Enhancement Operatives has so far declined to comment.

• Ratling controversy continues
And in sports news, protesters are still blocking would-be spectators from attending the opening ceremony of the Third All-Segmentum Ratling-Tossing Championships, claiming that the sport is demeaning to diminutive abhumans everywhere. Last year’s champion, Boris ‘Lobber’ Lyapunov, told our reporters: “It’s just another example of political correctness gone mad. The little guys love bein’ thrown around, and if they didn’t have this, what else are they gonna do? They’re gonna get (expletive deleted) off, is what they’re gonna do. And these guys are good shots. I’m just sayin’...”

Video interview with Boris ‘Lobber’ Lyapunov available. Warning – contains strong language.



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I am Alpharius.
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8,375 Posts
:laugh: Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Keep up the good work dude! +rep
 

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381 Posts
stupid protesters, ratling tossing is a great sport :)
 

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1,480 Posts
Great, I loved it!
:grin:

Maybe next time you could have a kroot who starts his own cookery programme!
 

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330 Posts
Had me Rofl-ing. Awesome job!

Would give +reap but I don't know how... :p
 
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