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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
an Imperial Guard story
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
the start of a story about the vostroyan 23rd regiment

Don't be too skeptical as this is my first story.

part 1: Space

Firstborn leftennant Brionne Hark's Steel-shod boots audibly clanked on the corridor leading to the troop deck of the perdition's flame, cobra class escort. He was a tall, lean man, and in full battledress an awesome sight, but he wasn't in full battledress. He was wearing a red undershirt, which only exaggerated his already powerful chest muscles and a pair of kahki slacks which were held up by a pair of guard issue braces. On his feet were his combat boots, huge steel-shod boots, which weighed a tonne but he was glad of them, on many occasions he had his boots to thank for his still intact feet!

As he passed through the doorway into the troop's quarters drill sergeant
Naroni bellowed "Officer on deck!"
Immediately one hundred vostroyan guardsmen, who had previosly been shining armour, cleaning boots,weapons or eating hastily jumped up and stood to attention.
"As you were sergeant," Hark said in his gravelly tones, you could hardly hear that he had taken a bolt-pistol round to the throught as a junior leftennant, the tech-priests and medicae staff had done well, although the bulky augmetic was easy-enough to see.

please give me feedback on this likes/dislikes
there will be more to come :)
 

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Some Nice Work there but you should probably have got into the story a little (to end on a lil cliffhanger you know that kinda stuff keep the readers engrossed) still good work though I would'nt use the word awesome maybe awe inspiring but not awsome.
 

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its a good start, you get a good feel for who the main guy is. could have been a bit longer
 

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Very, very good for a beginner and the only bad thing was lackof some detail and grammar errors but very well done matey
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
part 1: planetfall continued

As the men got back to whatever they were previously doing Hark continued walking.
the troop deck was relatively packed but the men found space to get out of his way they knew perfectly well who he was, a veteran of the war in the pucharon mining cluster, promoted in the field after the assault on the chaos bastion at the heart of the sector's capital. It was even rumoured that he had bested one of the chaos elite, a mighty fallen space marine, in single combat.
He was on his way to a meeting in the captain's personal quarters with the other members of the Vostroyan command on the ship.
As he arrived captain Hellsmaw waved him in and ushered him to a seat at the large round table in the centre of the room, around it were sat captains Verion and Gravin, leftennants Greis, winters, Nosak and Ashton.
At the head of the table sat two imposing figures, one was the ship's captain robed in the blue and silver colours of the ultima segmentum fleet. and next to him in full dress uniform, as ever, sat Lord general sondar macharius, deservingly named after the saint who pushed the boundries of the Imperium to the edge of known space ,and only stopped after his men refused to go beyond the light of the Astronomican.
He was one of the most able generals in the entire of the 23rd, a rival even to general ulices Chenkov, the man who had overall command of the 23rd.
It was true that many of the men believed that sondar would take the ageing
lord general's position when he died.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
"good afternoon gentlemen" the Lord General said this withy such force that several of the juniors and logic-engine operators jumped.
"I won't beat about the bush as this is a deadly serious matter, about ten hours ago Earth standard a large space-hulk was picked-up on the long-range scanners we have run secondary scans on it and now know it to be what is generally known as a
Kill Kroozer and of the xenotype Ork. It is large enough to contain around two-thousand Orks. We have sent out our status and position to the segmentum command and heavier class ships are on their way. Our orders so far are to keep a close eye on it and report it's movements back to command. we have been ordered not to engage unless it is completely necacary, the captain says that it outguns us anyway and that few of our weapons would even make a dent in it, infact the only weapons we posess that could do any significant damage are our torpedoes and we don't have enough of them on board to do any major damage."

Immediately shouts rose up
the Lord General stood up and shouted "Order!" "I will have order!"
Silence fell.
"That's a little better, now i can actually hear myself think!" he exclaimed.
"you seem to have a suggestion captain" he said looking towards captain Verion.
"we have elite troops sir, the green scum cannot hope to match us if we boarded them, maybe if we could get a small force to plant a charge near that thing's power plant, or better it's engines! We could destroy it without engaging it in a ship to ship firefight" he said with a slight twinge of smugness in his voice.
"out of the question, we have orders not to engage unless strictly necacary, and anyway how do you propose we get this "elite force" onto that thing, it's bound to have more
anti-aircraft batteries than you have hairs on your head captain."
"Actually" piped-up Leftennant Winters "Yes it will have AA batteries, but knowing Orks, and sir i am not boasting i know Orks it's more than likely they will be preoccupied. Hell when i was serving on Herwin's reach we linked-up with some Cadians, we got talking and one of them said that they made a landing on an Ork-held world and they were expecting heavy losses during planetfall from Ork batteries, well they landed without losing a single man and when they moved up to take one of the gun-posts the Ork manning it was slumped asleep across it's precious gun! sir with all respect sir they landed a whole army group without a single Ork noticing doesn't that tell you something sir?" he asked imploreingly.
"A small party, no more than thirty men, go and may the Emperor and the grace of Vostroya guide you" said the General somewhat defeatedly.
"Dismissed."
They all filed out, except the General and the Captain.
 

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i like it, good building of characters, several of then so if some die, and im gessing some will you dont have to make up any new ones (i made that mistake). but the Gen wasnt as imposing as i expected.
 

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hey dude, nice storyline but your grammar and such doesnt help it run smoothly. as a writing veteran (not just warhammer but one of the best essay/story writers in my school, but still not as good as Dirge :wink:) i have to say that grammar and the way a sentence sounds and runs together can make or break a story.

but otherwise a good strong start, but as it has been said, try leave on a cliff hanger, make people want to read more. if you want an example look at either "The Emperor Protects" by Dirge or "Fight for Titirus 7" by me.
 

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I like it some interesting names used there well done .... Greis I'm sure I've heard that one before... ah well good work anyway:good:
 

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hey dude, nice storyline but your grammar and such doesnt help it run smoothly. as a writing veteran (not just warhammer but one of the best essay/story writers in my school, but still not as good as Dirge :wink:) i have to say that grammar and the way a sentence sounds and runs together can make or break a story.

but otherwise a good strong start, but as it has been said, try leave on a cliff hanger, make people want to read more. if you want an example look at either "The Emperor Protects" by Dirge or "Fight for Titirus 7" by me.
what about my story isnt it good enough? :fuck:
 

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oh im not saying yours isnt good, its great. its just that IMO Dirge is better, and im sure you agree. i reckon he's the best writer we have on the forum. and obviously i want to promote my work haha. especially my new stuff becuase i want it critiqued.
 

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hey dude, nice storyline but your grammar and such doesnt help it run smoothly. as a writing veteran (not just warhammer but one of the best essay/story writers in my school, but still not as good as Dirge :wink:) i have to say that grammar and the way a sentence sounds and runs together can make or break a story.

but otherwise a good strong start, but as it has been said, try leave on a cliff hanger, make people want to read more. if you want an example look at either "The Emperor Protects" by Dirge or "Fight for Titirus 7" by me.
Iv gotta agree with the grammer thing but, other than that, its a very good storyline. i havnt read about a on-ship battle before and am looking forward to reading the next installment:eek:k::biggrin:
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
Twenty minutes later thirty Vostroyans in gleaming carapace armour, all experianced combt veterans, stood before leiutenant Hark in the vast hanger. Behind him was the valkyrie drop-ship, the pilot had just begun to power up it's engines and the ship was emitting a low hum which gradually rose to a shrill whine. Over the noise of the Engines leiutenant Hark bellowed to the men "Vostroyans! you will fight for the Emperor today, and some of you will not return! But hear this men if you fall to the enemy you will not have done so in vain! For today we will fight, and we will win!"
A cheer rose up from the men "Hark! Hark! Hark!"
Hark turned to Sergeant Reaten "load up the men sergeant."
"Of course sir."
The Valkyrie's rear loading ramp slowly lowered and hit the deck with a dull thunk.
Sergeant Reaten immediately yelled "right turn!," the order was carried out with exquisite military precision and a loud stamp of boots.
"By the left quick march!" the men swiftly stamped their way up the valkyrie's ramp in squads and strapped themselves into their bucket-seats, lasguns braced at their sides.
Leiutenant Hark was the last up the ramp and pulled the raise ramp lever next to the cockpit entrance and strapped himself into his own seat in the cockpit next to the twitching Astropath who was psychically communicating with the ship's bridge clearing the flightplan and sealing the airlock. The engine's note rose shrilly as the Valkyrie slowly rose, the huge fifty tonne doors which separated the airlock from space slowly ground open. The shimmering Void shield surrounding the airlock fizzled and died, just before the pilot punched the throttle and they shot-out into the vast emptiness of space.
 

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oh im not saying yours isnt good, its great. its just that IMO Dirge is better, and im sure you agree. i reckon he's the best writer we have on the forum. and obviously i want to promote my work haha. especially my new stuff becuase i want it critiqued.
yeah I was only kidding and I do agree that Dirge is the fluff writing legend of these forums, oh and Commisar Gaunt good story so far looking foward to more
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 · (Edited)
The bulky troop carrier shook violently as it approaced the kill kroozer, no AA fire came from the immense ship just as leiutenant Winters had said, Emperor! he seemed to have a sixth sense for those kind of things. If Hark hadn't known Winters since he had been little more than five years of age, their training and indoctrinaton began at a very early age, he would have thought that Winters had a touch of the warp about him.
Hark was brought sharply from his thoughts by the pilot.
"Sir we're coming up on the target zone now."
Hark unfastened his sholder retraints and got up out of his seat, grabbing one of the handles which lined the top of the transport to steady himself as he stepped out into the troop comprtment.
"Men of Vostroya, do you want to live forever?" Hark bellowed.
There was a shudder as the Valkyrie touched down in one of the vast ship's landing bays alongside several of the ramshackle Orkish flyers.
Hark drew his plasma pistol and power sword and strapped on his bulky helmet and resperator.
The men were also strapping on helmets and checking armour and weapons.
"Squads one and three secure the lading zone, squad two with me!" Hark said into his comm link.
The men almost as one undid their restraints and rose, organising themselves into squad groups.
The red light above the ramp turned green and the men raced out, weapons raised, ready to meet the Orkish scum head on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
The hangar was vast, if not incredibly ramshackle looking, in fact if Hark hadn't known that the Orks posessed an unnerving skill for patching things together to make remarkably efficient vehicles and weapons he would have felt nervous even standing on the deck beneath his feet.

Squad one under sergeant Angelin walked forwards in a spearhead formation, weapons ready, towards one of the large entrances to the rest of the ship.
Seemingly out of nowhere scurried what the Orks called a grot, without pause one of the guardsmen fired at it's rediculously stunted body, the lasgun bolt flashed white and exploded it's chest in a haze of black blood.
First blood. There was much more to follow.
The squad continued to pace towards the entrance, but as they passed through it a shrill Klaxon blared, someone knew they were there, and on a ship full of Orks that wasn't a good thing.
 
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