[Broguts]

This is a remake of my old story "the Anathemian revolt"

Act I


Chapter one: One of these days.


Our home has been in disarray for months now. Many dead, more wounded, all because of heretics. There have been reports of smaller acts of heresy, chaos graffiti, the occasional murder. But when they burned the shrine of the Aquila, we knew at that point that this was a full blown revolt.

There were reports of Tzceenchian extremists in the capital as well as worshippers of Nurgle, the worst part, the Nurgle renegades consisted of the 9th and 6th companies, and our master of the forge; Darkelias.

end ch1

 

[toffster]

Bit of a small chapter? Perhaps it could be a few pages longer
Sounds like a nice idea though, I suppose it's from the view point of a civilian or PDF trooper?

 

[Broguts]

Actually its from the pov of the Space marines ruling the planet.

 

[Broguts]

Chapter two: The Brave 6th


Odysseus is reading his the reports of the heresy. Captain Icarus of 6th company, comes rushing through the massive doors to his Odysseus's palace. "Chapter master!" he said hurriedly and desperately. The ancient Odysseus looks up, annoyed, he starts in a sarcastic and spiteful tune. "Ah! Brother Icarus, how good it is to see you once again. Oh, could you tell me why your men are killing innocents in the name of Nurgle?" Icarus hurriedly tried to explain, as he realized that the honor guard were closing in on him. "Master, It..It wasn't me. I swear to you." Odysseus stood up hastily and started to yell. "And who should I belive!? Darkellias whom I have known for over eight thousand years!? Or you!? Who I have known for five hundred years!?"

Icarus began again "If I can prove myself innocent will you let me be!?" The chapter master sat down again. "very well, you have one week, ONE week. And in that time you will have no standing here, any attempts to acquire a ship will be met with your execution."

end ch2

 

[bobss]

I believe this is you trying out a piece of fiction in an unorthodox style, yes? Because it reads more like a monologue from the lack of certain grammatical devices, and a rather shallow one at that. I hate to act in a prickish manner, but unless this is supposedly a diary entry, or an experimental Prologue then I feel your needing some more detail in varying areas.

I mean, from my perspective -and dualy any reader- we want to know where such a discussion is coming from: Ash-choked skies draped over a battlefield? A verdant green planet? We have little clue, and usually, as is the norm, Authors tend to blugeon their reader with a hefty page of descriptive prose before settling onto anything mildy related to the plot

I mean, I`m sure I`ve gotten things wrong, and I`m certainly not the best guy to ask for improving your fiction, but hell, just a little more setting of the scene? Unless it is, of course, a Diary entry... but even then

 

[Broguts]

Odysseus's palace.

Just so you know.

 

[bobss]

Just so you know.

Yes, but what on earth does Odysseus` Palace look like? Is it the traditional, Imperial Gothic architecture? Whats it made of? Adorned in jewels, stained glass motifs, gilded arches? I mean... a little description never hurt anyone :victory:

 

[Broguts]

ah. now I get you, I'll be sure to add more detail in future