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I was playing with an idea of a coven of Sisters who've fallen to Khorne and decided to write some fiction for them. It's less a story as much as a creative writing experiment, but I felt like sharing it just the same.

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There are whispers told about an Order of Sisters who fell to the forces of Chaos. While the Adeptus Sororitas denies such a thing the story continues to be told, spoken in hushed tones like a ghost story. It speaks of an order of Sisters known as the Order of the Gilded Rose who vanished nearly three thousand years ago...

The Order of the Gilded Rose was a minor order of the Adepta Sororitas tasked with the safeguarding of the Shrine World of Speratus V, a small world on the fringe of the Galaxy that the Ecclesiarchy had to declared to be a Shrine to the fallen heroes of the Imperium who had fought through a civil war that had torn the system apart as heretics fought to leave the Imperium and the loyalist fought to remain.

This, however was not a way for the Ecclesiarchy to honour those faithful martyrs, but instead to gain a foothold in the system and ensure such a thing would not happen again. For many hundreds of years arrangement worked well for both the worlds as it brought thousands of pilgrims into the system all of which brought money into the coffers of the lords of the inhabited worlds while the Ecclesiarchy continued its slow machinations to expand it's control further into the system, it's expansions growing with each new shrine and church it erected on each of the eight inhabited worlds.

The machinations of man are doomed when exposed to the cruelty of the universe, and the plans of the Ecclesiarchy for the Speratus System were no different. Without warning the entire system was engulfed a violent warp storm, and when it cleared the system was gone.

For over twenty-four hundred years the system remained missing, it's former location a vacant hole in the sky. Written off as a loss by the Imperium the sky remained empty.

It is no surprise then that the Imperium didn't notice that the space had been engulfed in another warp storm until when it had ended and the system of Speratus had returned, it's once bright star now a cold, black sphere of burning darkness. The return of the system didn't go unnoticed for long as the Ecclesiarchy responded in force, dispatching a fleet of missionaries to re-establish contact with the previously lost worlds in a move to regain the lost worlds and regain their foothold in the sector.

Of the thousands of missionaries, preachers and Ecclesiarchal delegates sent only a few were ever seen again. They described the worlds as desolate landscapes with rivers of blood that were filled with corpses, and the ground covered with with bones and ash. It was in this hellish landscape of blood, ash and bone there were women clad in red armour and black cloth who would strike suddenly with bolter, flame and melta, striking without quickly and without mercy.

Few of those who saw them up close lived, but those who had swore that they looked like Battle Sisters, their faces twisted into a constant state of rage. As they moved they chanted in low gothic, giving praise to some dark deity, their voices becoming louder with each kill, until they were howling cries of praise in the dark god's name.

This development did not stay internal to the Ecclesiarchy for long, but each expedition into the system ended in disaster as the Imperium was pressed to find and destroy this new heretical force. The danger has grown beyond that system though and begun to spread like a taint through out the sector as whole worlds are attacked and razed to the ground, leaving only corpses and ash in their wake. The few survivors claim to have seen women in power armour killing everything in their path as they marched through the cities, chanting to a dark god of blood and vengeance.

Fewer still claim to have seen a figure amongst their midst, gliding through the air on leathery wings as she leads the women in their dark deeds. No confirmation on who this may be has been made, but theories have been made ranging from the woman being a Sister ascended to Daemonhood to her being a daemon of the dark god himself sent to lead the women in their dark crusade against the Imperium.

While information in the Imperium about these women is scarce the Inquisition believes that Khorne has somehow turned the Sisters of Battle that had once been guardians of that world into the destroyers of others. This theory has made several members of the Inquisition wary of the Adepta Sororitas, claiming that for one order to fall this way means that even the Sororitas aren't above being affected by the corruptive powers of Chaos and need to be watched even closer.
 

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Solid enough introduction. An extra bit of description in the first sentence would help.

Such as: There are whispers told in in some hushed circles about an Order of Sisters who fell to the forces of Chaos.

Your second paragraph is one long sentence. Consider breaking it up. Third paragraph also contains a rather long sentence.

It happens a few times again, you think as you write and place more commas than you should. It's a simple mistake, very common but easy to fix.

The content and story is fine, your pacing works well and there's no doubt cast over the intent of what you're conveying. If not for the long sentence syndrome it'd be near perfect as far as I see it. :good:
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Solid enough introduction. An extra bit of description in the first sentence would help.

Such as: There are whispers told in in some hushed circles about an Order of Sisters who fell to the forces of Chaos.

Your second paragraph is one long sentence. Consider breaking it up. Third paragraph also contains a rather long sentence.

It happens a few times again, you think as you write and place more commas than you should. It's a simple mistake, very common but easy to fix.

The content and story is fine, your pacing works well and there's no doubt cast over the intent of what you're conveying. If not for the long sentence syndrome it'd be near perfect as far as I see it. :good:
Some good points there, thanks! Yeah, my proofing for this was just making sure words were spelt correctly so I didn't catch my abuse of the comma or the run ons.
 
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