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I'll go ahead and admit, the only WHF I have ever read has been 2-3 pieces of fanfic (I mean I couldn't even get through LotR), but I'll go ahead and try to give you some feedback to the best of my meager abilities.

Depending on what you're going for, it reads more like an overview than a story, as though you had read this, and you were giving the general details.

Something that could help you out would be starting with this, then expanding each portion to play out more like a scene than a summary.

Hopefully this helps!

(Also, your signature distracted me, yay humanforsale.com)
 
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