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· Premium Member
4,356 Posts
It was an interesting concept. I actually like the idea of Necrons working with the Imperium to stop a common enemy.

My only recommendations would be. I would say stay with either calling them space marines or Adeptus Astarte. You switch it back and forth is a little confusing to maybe a person not familiar with 40K. The charred burned out city try to add more detail to the description of it. You repeat charred, burned towers a few times see about maybe using other words for charred or burned. Also after so many years is there any signs of life that the planet is recovering? A few cracks in the streets where a single wild plant has taken root with a lone bloom is the only sign of life in the city.

Also this sentense was a little long and hard to read especially if you say it out loud. "It was only the actions of Captain Matri, charging across from where he had been standing vigil at the entrance and all but throwing Kresas to the floor, tearing him away from the Data-Hub, that saved the Archmagos’ mere mortal body from being stripped away by the sheer power flowing into him." If you broke this up into two or three sentences might work better.

Anyway interesting story keep up the good work.
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