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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Well, here it is. My first go at writing a book, and also my first go at writing a WH40K book. Hope You like it.

Warhammer 40,000 - Nowhere To Hide
Chapter 1 - Odd Allies –
Thought for the day: A good soldier feels nothing but hate

259.M42
Segmentum Obscurus
Malbredan Sector
Malbredan Sub-sector
Malbrede V

Guardsman Ventory felt shivers run down his spine. The Chaos marine was only a couple of feet away, but he hadn’t noticed him yet. The traitor walked past. He relaxed, and spotted a shotgun lodged between two duracrete pieces. If he could get it, he might just be safer. Crawling silently across rubble, he picked it up. But it was empty.
“Oh, damn”, he thought.
There had to be some shells around. There were some around a dead guardsman’s belt. He slowly slid them in the receiver of the shotgun, and stuffed the rest in his pockets. After cocking it as quietly as possible, he stood up. The Chaos marine was inspecting a room. Ventory seized his chance. He stealthily crawled across the hallway and stood up just behind the marine. The putrid smell of rotten flesh struck him. He almost passed out.
“Must be one of those Death Guard marines”, he thought.
“Hey, stinker!”
The traitor spun round, only to see two barrels staring at him.
“Tough luck, bastard” Ventory said and pressed the trigger.
The heavy buckshot tore the marine’s head apart and threw the headless corpse to ground. Ventory wiped the tiny bits of metal and rotting meat from his face and heaved.
“Had to get a full face helmet”, he groaned miserably and shuddered.
It’d take months before the smell would go away. Now he would be fly bait. But that had to wait. He needed to link up with the rest of his platoon. If he could just get his bearings, it would be a lot easier to navigate this barren wasteland.
 

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Discussion Starter #2 (Edited)
This had been a fine Imperial city, but ravaged after years of bitter fighting. But, now he had to find the HQ. He rummaged through his memory. Their HQ had been situated in a big crater, which concealed it from scouts.
“Like that’s going to help me now” he muttered.
Then his thoughts were interrupted by a distant booming. He saw several black spots against the evening sky. His heart jumped with joy. It was the Astartes! The battle would be a lot easier now. The drop pods were altering their course and Ventory could clearly see that they were closing in on his position. His heart sank. If he remained where he was, he’d be turned into a pâté. Strapping the shotgun to his back, he made a break for it. Down the alleyway, past a burning Chimera APC, several dead Guardsmen… But it was too late. The drop pods smashed in the nearby houses, smashing them apart. He was running, avoiding pieces of buildings that were flying around. He could just see the end of houses. Suddenly, a chunk of duracrete knocked him to ground, breaking his leg.
“Ooow, damn!” Ventory shouted in pain.
Straining to get the duracrete piece off his leg, he grabbed the shotgun and used it to free himself. Then, crawling slowly, he sat down a bit further and waited for somebody to come.
Sergeant Darius first noticed the running figure. It looked human, but you could never be sure, especially when a Necron Flayed One had hid itself in a dead body and almost managed to kill an Imperial fireteam. After informing other marines, the drop pods were shifting, and homing in on the figure’s position. The landing shook the drop pod violently and a second later the hatch fell off. Darius jumped out and took
 

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Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
cover behind the hatch. After inspecting his surroundings, he noticed a trail of blood. It seemed fresh. Also, there was a faint smell of rotten flesh. He suddenly tensed.
“Brother Marcius and Brother Vearn, follow me. I think we have some Death Guards on us.”
“Acknowledged.” The trio walked off to the blood trail.
Suddenly, Darius heard irregular breathing. It didn’t sound like a Death Guard marine, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He jumped out and aimed his boltgun at the noise.
“NO!” somebody shouted. A hail of small projectiles hit his armour, not doing any harm.
“What the…?” the same voice said.
Darius squinted and saw a pale-faced guardsman sitting in shadow of a duracrete chunk, the blood trail leading to him. He was holding a shotgun, his leg twisted at an awkward angle.
“Thank the Emperor; I was thinking it was more traitor marines! I am Guardsman Ventory of the 9th company of 712th Malbrede Regiment. Who are you?”
Darius stepped forward “I am Sergeant Darius of 3rd squad of 4th company of Templars of Steel chapter. Come. You are injured. Our apothecary will take care of you. Just before we go, can I ask why do you smell like a Death Guard?”
“Well, I was standing right behind one of them when I shot him. I shouted at him. He turned round, and BOOM! I shot him. Sprayed me completely with his head, though. After then, I tried to find a way out, but you came down and I got my leg broken by a duracrete piece.”
Suddenly, a distant howl echoed through the ruins. Ventory felt terrible fear numb him. What in the Emperor’s name could make such blood-chilling noises? Darius bent down and picked him up.
“We cannot delay. We must go.”
“But where? I don’t think that you have a base here, do you?” Ventory said, puzzled
“I mean, you
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
dropped down only more or less half an hour ago.”
“Yes, but the rest of the company is already on ground. We were to do a recon patrol.” Darius answered.
“Then why are you taking me to your base?”
“We have our reasons.”
“Not sure I like the sound of that, but let’s go anyway.”
Apothecary Kerlan felt quite satisfied with himself. The bone had accepted the prosthetic repairer without problems, now his patient would be able to walk freely in a couple of days, or less with a bit of luck.
“How is it feeling?” he asked.
“Pretty good, thank you.” Ventory answered.
“Well, have a go at walking.” Ventory stood up from the table and touched floor gingerly.
Then, feeling more reassured, he stood up completely. He winced slightly, but the pain was bearable. He did a step. Then another one. “Feels great! Thanks, apothecary!”
“Go then. Our captain is waiting for you.”
Ventory swallowed uneasily. He never liked the idea of going the Marines’ base, but, with that terrible screaming, he could either wait and see the damned thing for himself and probably get killed, or take a hike to their base. Not that he really had a choice. Those marines had picked him up and strolled off. And now, he was standing in front of the doors that led inside. His heart was pounding and it felt like it was trying to jump out of his mouth. He raised his hand to knock, but the door slid apart with a hiss. He saw a figure approaching. It was a servitor. The worker drone stopped in his front.
“The captain is waiting. Follow, most beneficent one.” It turned round and wheeled off. Ventory followed, feeling quite unnerved by now.
The interior of marines’ chapel-barracks was full of sparring combatants, practising with their swords and bolters.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Several scouts noticed him and followed him with their eyes. They came to another door. The servitor stopped at spoke in the voxcoder “I have brought the guardsman that 3rd squad found, most venerated captain.”
The door slid open. Ventory stepped in and the door closed. Several meters further, the captain of the company was standing at a table, discussing with several other marines. There were several Terminator marines standing in the corners, looking at Ventory suspiciously.
The captain was clad in ornate power armour, but dented and dulled by years of constant fighting. His face was deeply scarred, and his right eye had been replaced with a bionic one. He noticed Ventory and strode towards him. Deep booms resounded within the great hall. Ventory felt himself becoming more and more tinier and insignificant with every step the hulking marine took towards him. He felt his knees wobble, but steadied himself. The captain towered above him, not saying anything, and then bent down on his knee.
Then he spoke “Finally I meet you. It has taken me a long time to track you down.” His voice was thick with emotion.
“W-what?” Ventory asked, dumbstruck “I am here to be interrogated, right?”
The captain raised his head and looked in his eyes, locking him with his steely, dark gaze.
“Do you know not of your father? He was the one who sacrificed himself and that way he saved our gene-seed, and our chapter. If a chapter’s gene-seed is lost, stolen or mutated, they are doomed. We are forever indebted to all of his family.”
“Then how come I never heard of it?”
“Would you have believed it? Officially, your father would have been listed as KIA. Departmento
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Munitorum never could actually calculate how much soldiers have died and how much have been enlisted each day. But in reality, he saved all of the Templars. Now then, what can the Warhawks do for you?”
“I know this will sound crazy, but I’d like to have some time off. In the last few months, I’ve seen hundreds die.”
Ventory sighed “Our regiment took heavy losses at the defence of the capital’s fortifications.”
“It will be done, friend. There’s an Inquisitor that’s a good friend of mine. Perhaps you’ve heard of her? Amberley Vail. She also holds the memoirs of Ciaphas Cain.”
“Where will I be going?”
“Vail will inform you when you meet her. If you want to know more about your father, feel free to visit our librarian. He holds all the information we have collected.”
Ventory was feeling quite tired, but didn’t let it show.
“I know you’re exhausted. You can take my personal quarters and…”
“I thank you for that, but I should see the apothecary. He hasn’t quite finished with my leg. Besides, I’ll be just fine sleeping outside.”
“As you wish.”
“Well, see you tomorrow then. Goodbye.”
He turned round and went through the door. He noticed that all the marines in the training hall were watching him. Not a single blade clashed. No-one even moved, just stared at him. It was already unnerving to be looked at by a single marine, but this could make anyone a paranoid. Walking as fast as he could, he crossed the hall and got out in the field.
There he fell on his knees and breathed in deeply “Stay calm, now, just stay calm” he whispered to himself.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and damn near made a mess of his pants. It was Kerlan.
“Follow me, I have something for you.”
“What is it?”
“I’ve got some implants for you. If I implant them into
 

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Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
you, they’ll make you tougher, and your chances of survival will be greater. It won’t make you a Space Marine, though, but you will be much tougher than Cadian Kasrkin, I swear.”
Ventory thought about this. It was tempting, yes, so he agreed. And, as he lay on the surgery table, he felt the sedative starting to work. Fighting the drowsiness, he heard Kerlan, but he didn’t understand what he said. Then everything went black.

That's all for now, guys.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Here's chapter 2, hope you like it.

M259.M42
Gravalax

- Chapter 2 – New Acquaintances -
Thought for the day: Life is Emperor’s currency, use it wisely

Inquisitor Amberley Vail was sitting in her chair, trying to create some sort of order on her desk. When she returned, all the file cabinets almost had collapsed on top of her when she had closed the door. Now they were lying on the ground, their contents spilled on the ground. In a sudden burst of anger, she shouted
“RAKEL! GET HERE NOW!”
No answer, just some rodents scurrying away. She shouted again, her anger growing
“RAKEL!!!”
Still no answer. Then, she heard a beeping.
“Finally!” she sighed.
Hopefully, it was Rakel, having finally heard her. But the voxcoder was nowhere to be seen. Frustrated, she started digging through her files and documents, desperately trying to find the damned device.
“Where is it?”
Then she saw it. It lay buried beneath a file cabinet, almost crushed flat. She pulled the cabinets upright, and picked the voxcoder up.
“Now, then, WHERE have you been off slacking to?! Who’s this? Oh, captain Lazarius? That? Oh, never mind. Just having some trouble with my servant. Anyway, why are you contacting me? W-What do you mean, ‘more adventures’ for me? Who is it? Ventory? You’ve got to be joking! The son of the man who saved the Templars of Steel? How can you be so sure? You checked his DNA? Well, the genes can’t lie, I guess. How long is it going to be before he’s here? Whaaaat!” Vail was fuming now, almost crunching the voxcoder
“And you’re telling this to me only now? But I still have to…”
The voxcoder suddenly cut off. She stared at it in disbelief. She could have sworn that right before Lazarius terminated the connection, he was laughing. A space marine, laughing! The much-abused device slipped from her fingers and clattered to the floor, as she started to stuff all the files in the cabinets with redoubled fury. If her guest would see her office in this condition, she would never forgive herself. Suddenly, she froze. She was hearing someone walking upwards the stairs. She saw the door open and a confused looking man standing there.
“It’s now or never!” she thought and tossed those papers away and strode forwards the man.
“Inquisitor Amberley Vail, great to meet you” Ventory bowed.
Vail returned the honour. “So you are the son of the Templars' saviour?”
“Yeah.” Ventory answered, unflinching.
“Tell me, how much do you know about your father?”
“Not much. All I know is that he joined the Guard and got killed, but after the talk with Templars’ librarian, I discovered a lot of things. The Departmento Munitorum would have never thought that my father would have been inserted in a Dreadnought if he survived. Was quite a shock for me, too.”
“Lazarius mentioned that you want some time off. I will arrange for you a travel to the Wermaol Secundus. It’s a peaceful planet, far from any conflicts. But, before we do that, we should have a talk.”
They talked for five hours, and Vail was feeling quite unnerved. The young guardsman did have quite a story to tell. The bloody defence of Malbrede’s capital, the desperate holdout at the space port, and the seemingly endless traitor and demon hordes, all howling for human blood. They made the Chaos horde pay with blood for every step they managed to gain, but the battle was one-sided even before it started. If the Guardsmen managed to kill a heretic or a demon, it seemed that a dozen more were swarming in his place. The situation seemed bleak, but then dozens of Templars’ drop pods came down and deployed several tactical squads and Dreadnoughts. The Templars of Steel were working with other Imperial forces more often than any other chapter and were frowned upon by that, but the regiment’s general seized his chance and sent all of the Imperial forces on offensive. They caught their enemies off guard, because they hadn’t expected someone so weak to assault them. As the Dreadnought Amael Arceus tore their Chaos lord in two, demons disappeared shrieking back into warp, traitors retreated. Retreat turned into rout, rout turned into a bloodbath. But it had been a costly victory; more than two thirds of the regiment were annihilated, and many of them had turned to The Ruinous Powers and were executed by commissars. Nobody did even notice that they have left a man behind, the man who was now sitting and talking to her.
“Now I do understand why you ask for a vacation. I think that so would I, had I been in such slaughter.”
“So, when do I depart?”
“Tomorrow, at 1600 local time. Dismissed.” she said dryly but then Vail broke her rigid posture and smiled at him warmly.
“You know, I was angry when Lazarius contacted me. But maybe this will take me somewhere; maybe a new adventure will be for the better. Who knows what’ll happen.”
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
But, at the same time on Wermaol, Necrons were emerging from their underground tombs, ready to harvest the planet clean of life, again. The Flayed Ones were digging themselves out, scarabs and tomb spyders were clearing out tomb entrances. Hundreds of Necrons were marching towards surface, awaiting a command from their lord. He was a veteran of many millennia of harvest, and once again, he had a target.
The nearby Imperial outpost Delta-428, were receiving their monthly supplies when their radar system detected something unusual. Whatever those things were, they were devoid of life, just a strange energy emanating from them. The claxons started to blare, rousing everyone from sleep, lascannons, heavy bolter emplacements and heavy flamer turrets were being powered up, troopers gathered on the walls to report to their COs. Chimeras, Sentinels and other vehicles were being fuelled up and filled with munitions. Their Kasrkin and Ogryn Auxilia were getting their equipment ready.
The commissar who was in charge of the outpost, smiled. There were no signs of slackness as his troops lined up, in a perfect row, their lasguns in their hands. “Attention!” he shouted. A thousand faces were looking at him.
“As you all know, an unknown enemy approaches! It won’t be long before they are here! And, before you die, make sure you give ‘em hell before you do! TO STATIONS, MEN!”
A thousand-voiced cheer went up as everyone scrambled and took their positions along the walls.
Guardsman Green was feeling quite unnerved. Although they all knew that they were about to be attacked, there were no signs of any hostiles approaching. He whispered to his long-time companion Mikhaels “Do you have any idea what’s coming?”
“Not a clue, buddy.” She whispered back.
“Me too. Almost as worse as being back in the Last Chancers.”
A distant groan echoed throughout the plateau, almost making him jump.
“What was THAT?” Green gasped. He was seeing a faint, green glow slowly approaching their positions. As it approached, he could hear a slow, metallic grinding. He shifted in unease.
The commissar yelled. “OPEN FIRE!!! I want a desolate wasteland that I can name after myself! OPEN FIRE!!!”
Green flicked the switch to automatic fire and held the trigger. Alongside the wall, he saw other troopers do the same. Red beams lashed out in the dark, the whine of the lasguns drowned out by the relentless din of bolter turrets, lascannons and flamer turrets that laid waste to anything that was worth blasting. A movement caught Mikhael’s eye and she started shooting at it. It also caught the attention of a nearby bolter turret, and miniature rockets turned whatever it was into slag. Suddenly she saw a red flash. Her lasgun’s power cell was empty. Alongside the wall, she saw that the same thing happened to others.
“What are you waiting for? Reload!”
The commissar shouted. Pulling the empty cell out, she slammed a fresh one in place and she heard the gun hum with renewed intensity.
“WAIT! Don’t shoot yet! Let’s bring the sky crashing down on them, shall we, men? So they know what the Imperial Guard is made of!!!”
A roaring laughter echoed throughout the outpost. The Basilisk self-propelled artillery had the longest range, and there was no point in running when you heard their shells howling in the air. And fortunately, they had four batteries stationed ten kilometres away. If they could just get a com-link with them, they’d have nothing to worry about.
“What are you talking about? We don’t see a damn thing from here!” artillery officer Razlin shouted in anger. He was just about to go to sleep, but a deranged Commissar had connected him and was shouting something about ‘a lifeless army.’
“USE THE SATELITE IMAGERY, YOU USELESS IDIOT!!! WE’RE BEING TORN APART!!!”
Sighing, Razlin opened a link to one of the satellites orbiting the planet, zoomed in on the Delta-428, and his blood froze in his veins.
“W-What? Necrons? Here? You got your barrage, sir! We’ll pound the area around the outpost, so sit tight and don’t go anywhere!”
“Be quick about it! They’re trying to break through!”
Putting the vox down, Razlin shouted “Start up the Basilisks! We have a target!”
Green was low on ammo. If the artillery didn’t start firing soon, he’d have to resort throwing rocks. “Aah, I need these things recharged!” Mikhaels threw him a couple of power cells.
“Here, take these! Some poor bastards got de-atomized.”
“Oh, that’s bad. What are those things anyway?”
“Necrons, I think.”
Green shot her a blank look “What?”
“Never mind. Just switch to semi-automatic fire and look first, then shoot. Save some ammo, ‘cause I ain’t gonna crap ‘em cells out of nowhere. If only I had my rocket launcher…”
Slamming the fresh power cell in place, he flicked the switch and took his aim, when it started. He heard a terrifying whistling in the air and his heart jumped in joy. The barrage had started! Powerful explosions shook the ground as their lifeless adversaries were blown to smithereens. Cheers went up as the artillery pounded the no-man’s land.
“Whoo-yeah, that showed ‘em!” Mikhaels shouted. Green squinted, but couldn’t see anything. But then again, he didn’t see a single Necron; he just fired where others did.
The commissar picked his voxcaster up. “Report casualties!” he called out.
“35 fireteams have taken casualties, in total, 92 dead, but no injuries.”
“Ok, we now must be ready for another battle, because I have a feeling that those things will be back. Charge up every empty power cell, mend any broken equipment, and repair any damages done to our battlements!” He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder. Turning round, he saw one of their Ogryn standing, with a torn metallic torso over his shoulder.
“’Ere sir, we’z found dis outside. But be careful, it’z not kind enough to die. We’z had been killin’ it over and over again.” The commissar mused at this, but then the supposedly dead Necron suddenly reached out and tried to claw at his face. Screaming, he jolted backwards and was hiding in his bunker before anyone could say anything. All who saw it started to guffaw uncontrollably, but the Ogryn however, snatched it from his shoulder and casually slammed it against the floor. One, two, three, four, five times until it wasn’t moving. “It’s good an’ done, sir. It’z dead again!” The shaking officer slowly came out of his bunker, his face blushing red with shame. He had hid in front of his subordinates. It would be a shame that would haunt him for many years.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
Warp travel. It always was uncomfortable, but it was almost unbearable this time. When he was sleeping, he’d see all kinds of gibbering things trying to kill him. Then he’d wake up; fall asleep again, and so on, repeating ad infinitum.
He hardly could stay awake now, but they were soon exiting warp. The shuttle was oddly silent; other passengers were sleeping: or at least, were trying to. They too, were being harassed by the warp sickness. He felt the shuttle lurch slightly and saw through the viewport that they had arrived. He could see three of the seven planets in the system, several Navy ships and hundreds of cargo shuttles moving throughout the system.
He saw one of the planets was an agri world, its continents covered in vast fields of all manners of food.
The next one was a hive world, vast cities stretching several kilometres high and covering entire continents.
The last one he saw was a forge world, massive factories the size of hive cities dotting the whole surface of the planet.
He now saw the fourth planet in the system, the one they were approaching. It had to be a civilised world, for he saw there were food fields, cities, Manufactorums, and residences.
He heard the voxcaster beep “Attention, passengers we are on our approach to Wermaol Secundus, we’ll be making planetfall in five minutes. So strap in your seats and make sure that you and your valuables are secure.”
All the sleepers were roused out of their dreams and frantically dressed themselves and secured their belongings and themselves, lest something would come undone. Ventory grabbed his hellgun and the container of his carapace armour and put it in. As he closed the lid, he noticed that he had almost forgotten to turn off the power plant that was connected with his gun. Flicking the switch, he picked it up and placed it carefully besides the hellgun. Having finished securing the bolts on the box, he strapped himself in the seat.
It was interesting, he mused. He could have never gotten his hands on a Kasrkin armour and weaponry himself, but Vail managed to make it happen in a matter of hours. And she got gave it to him in the colours of 712th, complete with the winged star that served as their logo. But then again, Inquisitors had great power.
His thoughts were interrupted by a rumbling.

They had hit the atmosphere.
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Chapter 3 here, not finished yet though.

- Chapter 3 – On the usefulness of chainswords -
Thought for the day: Ruthlessness is the kindness of the wise

30 KM above Malbrede V

The pilots in the cockpit were having a hard time as they tried to retain control over the shuttle, as turbulent winds were throwing them from side to side.
“Shield readings normal, engines are operating within usual parameters. How long ‘till we are in, Seyan?”
“ETA twenty minutes to Old Gates spaceport.”
“Hey what’s that? Are those friendly?”
The radar started beeping.
“Two unidentified fliers approaching, bearing three-two-seven!”
The voxcaster crackled to life, and both pilots listened intently. “This is Skyshark Alpha Zero-One, identify yourself!”
Seyan grabbed the microphone “This is an Imperial shuttle, designation B4D96S. What’s happening?”
“There have been reports of planetside fighting; all incoming and outgoing transports are now required to be escorted.”
“Roger that. Over and out.”
“Hmm, what do you think’s happening?”
“An Ork Waaagh? Dark Eldar raid? Chaos incursion?”
“Maybe. But let’s put that aside, okay? We both got a shuttle to land.”
With a pair of Thunderbolt fighters besides them, they could see the spaceport through the clouds. It was more magnificent than they could have imagined. They saw countless vessels zooming between different parts of it, the vast servicing bays, and hundreds of Lightning and Thunderbolt fighters patrolling and practicing in dogfighting. They could also see hundreds of docking bays, most of them never at peace.
“Some sight, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
The vox crackled again “Shuttle B4D96S, follow the radar beacon, it will guide you to your docking bay. Over.”
“Roger, Old Gates.”
“This is Skyshark Alpha Zero-One; we must return to our patrol duties, have a nice day. Over.”
“Roger, Skyshark, thanks for the escort. Over.” The Thunderbolt duo peeled away and accelerated upwards. The shuttle made its way to its designated bay, slowly slid into the docking braces, and as they locked the transport firmly in place, Ventory became aware that he was clutching the armrests of his seat. Sighing, he stood up, got hold of his container, and joining the other passengers, went on to the doors. He heard a hiss and felt the air stir.
The shuttle door slid aside, giving way to a plasteel walkway that connected to the shuttle with a clang. The excited passengers were murmuring at the sight of the spaceport’s immense size. Their shuttle was only one amidst hundreds; all manners of noises could be heard, from conversations to the banging and roaring of tools. Pulling the container with renewed vigour, he realized that he will not be thrown into any more meat grinders, that he will have a long vacation, get his mind clear, and only then he will go back to the frontline.
He heard a shout. It sounded faint and breathless, even with the enhancements the Warhawks’ apothecary had gifted him with; it was difficult to hear in this place. Squinting, he saw a man running towards him. He was wearing a blood red robe, trimmed with golden colour.
On his chest was a cross that reminded of the Black Templar’s chapter symbol, but in the centre of it an image of heart was displayed. He saw the man wave and shout again, but to no avail. The shuttle dock was simply too loud. As the rest of passengers walked away, Ventory stood and waited for the old man to reach him. As he approached, he became aware that the old man had a big staff with a heavy-looking Ecclesiarchy symbol on top of it. He stopped in front of Ventory, bent over and breathless.
After a minute, he stood up. “Ah, Ventory, is it not? Inquisitor Vail told us that you were coming. Follow, I will take you to our convent.”
“Our? What do you mean?”
“Oh, there’s dozens of Sororitas’ convents on this planet, and I’m taking you to the one I belong in; The Saviours. Have you heard of us? No? Then let me tell a bit about our order. We are both a Hospitallers and Militants order, and we are renowned for many successful surgeries. We do not relent until we have healed a soldier, be he one of the Astartes, Sororitas, or even an ordinary Guardsman. We have earned the gratitude of many soldiers and warriors throughout the Imperium. But if their injuries are beyond our abilities, we always give them proper burial.”
"How many are there in your order?"
"Ooh, about ten thousand. We have convents throughout all of the Imperium." As they were talking, they reached another transport. "This shuttle will take us to the convent. Shall we?"
"By all means, yes." They climbed inside and Ventory was dumbstruck. Despite the shuttle’s exterior looks, the interior of it was breathtaking. Murals depicting Emperor, prayers inscribed on slips of parchment, burning censers, and also, a pair of hefty flamers strapped to the rear bulkhead.
“Like it? This transport is the one our Canoness uses. She specially requisitioned for this occasion. I heard she is looking forward to meet you.” “So, when are we going?”
“Ohh, not just yet. I heard that one of our servitors had done something terribly amiss. I saw our Techpriest earlier. He went into hysterical fits when he found out that the servitors had been swapping exhaust pieces. I think that he’s praying to the Machine God for mercy now.”
And, as he uttered the last words, a hatch opened in the floor, letting a greasy Enginseer out, his mechadendrite clinging to the hatch.
“Ah, Amnito, how are you? Have you solved the problem?” The man before them bristled somewhat, but spoke politely.
“It is repaired, and should fly now, if Omnissiah wills so.”
Without a further word, he went to the cockpit, muttering darkly something about ‘the brainless fools’. Minutes later, they felt the shuttle tilt slightly, as they sped towards the Sororitas’ convent.
She was running. The pursuing Arbites did not stop. And all this because of a bottle of amasec she’d snatched. “STOP!!!” she heard a maniacal shout. “Not likely!” Mikhaels answered. Running with renewed vigour, she failed to notice a rock on the road. She felt the jolt as she tripped. It was like everything had slowed down. She crashed heavily on her shoulder, rolled over twice and came to a stop when she smashed into a wall of a house.
“OOF! Ow, now that’s going to leave a mark…” She groaned. Then, dazed but unharmed, she tried to get up, only to be grabbed by her neck by one of the Arbites.
“You have just earned yourself a one-way ride to a penal world.” He growled.
She spat back at him “Like it’s anything new to me. I don’t care, send me to anywhere…” her voice trailed off, as she stared past the Arbitrators’ shoulder, her face ashen with terror and shock.
“What?” The Arbitrator made an unforgivable mistake, releasing his grip on Mikhaels when he turned his head to see behind him. Quick as a lightning, she dropped the charade and grabbed his chainsword from its holster. Revving it, she swung it around her to gain momentum. The power armour of the Arbites is able to take much abuse and still hold together. But nothing could have prepared this unlucky man, as the teeth of his own chainsword ground in his greaves, sending sparks, sinew and blood flying everywhere.
It cut through the leg as a hot knife through butter would. Then it met the other leg, which provided no resistance as she sliced it off too. The massive brute of a man roared and howled in pain as he lay on his back, blood flowing from stumps where he recently had legs. The other Arbitrator had drawn his bolt pistol and was busy aiming it at her, when his head swelled and became bright red and exploded, showering everything nearby in gore. She looked around, confused. The headless corpse was already collapsing to ground. Behind it, a few meters away, was Green, his lasgun's barrel smoking.
“I heard a bit of commotion here.” he spoke with a smile.
“Just the perfect time for you to show up. I couldn’t have timed it better myself."
She looked down on the other, legless adversary. He was twitching, the blood loss and shock slowly killing him.
"Want to do the honours, Mikhaels?"
"Love to!" She hefted the chainsword, held the throttle and drove it deep in the chest of the Arbitrator. He let out a gurgling scream as the massive weapon embedded itself in his body. He tried to grab her with his gauntleted hand, but she was out of reach. Then his hand fell limp. He was dead. Mikhaels was breathing heavily, the heavy chainsword having taken its toll on her.
“You know what, Green? I think I like this. It feels good.” She looked up, her face covered in blood of the Arbitrator.
“I think I’m going to keep this. A nice chainsword.” She took the holster off its former owner and tied it around her waist.
“Doing a Yarrick, are we?” she heard a voice from an alley. She swung round, the chainsword at ready.
“Oooooh, how brave.” the voice was still toying with her.
Screaming, she charged down the alley. Putting all her strength in it, she swung an uppercut at the shadows. The chainsword’s engine growled like a pack of Fenrisian wolves. But after a couple of minutes, she could not keep it up. Her invisible adversary mocked her at every swing of the chainsword. Now she was on her knees, exhaustion forbidding her to get up.
“You know, if we are going to have a talk, you REALLY have to stop that.” The voice still continued talking. Mikhaels desperately wanted to change that, but she couldn’t still locate the source.
“You know that if I find you, I’ll fuck you up REAL BAD!” The voice was chuckling. Mikhaels stood up, anger filling her. As she started the chainsword again, she felt a blade press against her neck.
“Drop it.” It was that voice again. She noted it sounded like two people talking at once. It also sounded synthetic, like her adversary was wearing a helmet. Nevertheless, she let the chainsword out her hand.
“Good. Now we can act in a civilised way, right?” Mikhaels felt the blade drawn away from her neck. She noticed something was wrong. She had failed to notice in her killing frenzy that Green had vanished.
"Where's..."
"The other mon-keigh? Oh, he's safe. You just be nice and you'll see him again. So, we have a deal?"
Mikhaels retorted "First, show yourself. Only then we have a deal."
"Sounds fair. So be it." With a shimmer, she saw a figure appear in front of her. It had a conical helmet, its exquisite armour was mixture of pale blue, dark blue and yellow. The being before her reached for the locks on the neck, fiddled with the clasps and pulled its helmet off. A curtain of red hair fell down, two emerald green eyes looking at her.
“Eldar? I’m not really surprised to see you here. If your kind is here, then trouble’s about, am I right?”
“Indeed. I am Farseer Dar'Hael of Venarel Exodite world. I have foreseen that Necrons will reawaken on this world. But this is nor the time or the place to talk. Come.”
“So, where we goin’?”
“We’ve set up a camp nearby. Our Rangers have transported that friend of yours to there along the other captives.”
“What makes YOU think that I’m a captive?” Mikhaels lunged at the Eldar, chainsword flying through air. The Eldar sidestepped the lunge, almost lazily, and swung her Singing Spear at Mikhaels’ legs, knocking her flat on the back. The Eldar was on her in a flash, the heavy blade at her throat.
“Well, I have a good reason. Listen, we do not mean any harm to your Imperium. We want peace. Well, at least our world wants. We are a dwindling race. We cannot endure any more wars. So stop this nonsense or experience severe pain and blood loss.” The blade at her neck served to merely reinforce the Eldar’s point.
Mikhaels threw her arms up as a sign of defeat “Fine, I’ll go. But don’t try any of your mind tricks on me.” The smile on the Eldar’s face was barely noticeable, but she noticed it anyway, as she grasped the outstretched hand.
 

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Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
An update on chapter 3, but it's due to be finished soon.

On their trek to the camp, they didn’t meet anyone, save for the odd rodent that ran across their path. After an uneventful hour, the Eldar stopped suddenly.
“What is it? Is anything wrong?” she heard Mikhaels whisper. She did not answer.
“Hey! I asked you something!” she whispered again, angry that she was ignoring her. But then she noticed that she was scanning the area, as if looking for a barrier of sorts. Then she heard a stream of words issue from the Eldar.
“Arith addankiamenad, ashfar atherakhia ash cresistauead, bionnearan brylidassian.” As soon she had uttered the words, a bright hairline crack appeared from nowhere. It slowly made a circle that slowly wound its way around the two. A bright flash of light enveloped them, and in a matter of seconds they were standing in a completely different place.
 

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Ok... A good idea, but in my opinion it missed something... Not just something, but several things... It was kind if confusing at several points, nothing major mostly, but sometimes... You could really leave an empty line when you switch character, as that would probably help... You did neither really describe what people looked like, what they were wearing, and those kinds of things... And there were really no descriptions of the locations they were in...

The story also felt kind of unrealistic at some points... And that guardsman was a damn lucker to get that kind of treatment from Space Marines... Also, you stated that "The power armour of the Arbites is able to take a hundred bolter shots and still hold together", that sounds very, very unlikely to me...

This far I have been very critical, but you would not learn anything if I told you "That was fuck`n awesome", so I have tried to tell you what I think you could improve... No offense in anything I have said, or at least I hope so, and there were good parts as well, one of them being the Imperial Guard fighting the Necrons, I loved that one, and the commisar failing was cool.... + rep for that!

You could erase those errors in the future by putting some extra time into it, so good luck and keep writing!
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
Well ,this has been quite educative, I really am rough around the edges, especiall the power armour thing. But the guardsman was the son of the guy who sacrificed himself to save the Warhawks' gene-seed, so they OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

...

that was uncalled for. Yet at the same time mildly entertaining. Ahem, so they feel that it's their duty to help the lad. And also, these Marines work with other imperial forces a lot more often than other chapters.

But the characters Mikhaels and Green, they are former members of 13th Penal Legion, look them up in wh40k.lexicanum.com. Still need to come up with a name for the Eldar Farseer, though. Any ideas?
 

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Yeah, I understood that part, but the Space marine still sounds like a Ultramarine hippie...

But anyway, no more shit talking, what about Eldrad Ulthran? That guy totally kicks ass... But is he to old to kidnap former penal Legion members??
 

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Discussion Starter #19 (Edited)
Dunno, I had a fictional exodite world in mind, Venarel Exodites, and the Farseer will be named Dar'Hael, red hair and emerald eyes. AND a female. Hmm... what's wrong with me, but can't help the Marine. Good ol' Darius will make few more appearances and will be nearly killed near the end of the book. Better get writing!
 

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Okay, I’m commenting on this while reading it, so if the flow of my thoughts are a bit disjointed, that’s why. Right now, my intent is just to read through, give my thoughts on the flow/style as well as pick out some error trends that I see, without getting too much into the nitty gritty of it. If you want me to go through in full-git mode (i.e. paragraph by paragraph revisions) depending on what your goal for the story is, let me know and I’ll be more than glad to, although this, understandably, takes time. I’ll go ahead and apologize for being critical, but I am not doing this with the aims of being a dick, just with helping you out with your future endeavours.

I’ll do the criticisms before the complements, so that you will hopefully leave this with a warm fuzzy :).

First, and this goes for most forums where people post long segments of text, try to break up the lines for ease of reading. Most of the time, if I open up a fanfic piece (or any post, really) and it is a single giant blurb of text, I don’t even bother reading it. It hurts the eyes. While it is not as big of a deal with the first chapter, as you have broken it down into several posts, the later ones are a bit daunting. To attract more people to the post, try to add that extra space in between paragraphs, and try to break it up a little bit.

Try to avoid using contractions during text. While it is not necessarily incorrect, it does detract from the professionalism of the writing. During dialogue, it is more than acceptable.

Also during dialogue between two characters, it is necessary to break the different speakers into their own paragraphs. During the exchanges between Ventory and Sergeant Darius or the captain, it became a bit cluttered without the clear distinction of “his speech ends here, and his begins here” that be emphasized with the space between.

Try to avoid using needless repetition. For example, you used the word “silently” five times in the first paragraph. Again, while it is acceptable to use repetition, do so with a purpose or to emphasize the word/phrase.

Thoughts are normally portrayed in italics rather than using quotations. Luckily, Heresy-Online uses a higher quality posting program, so to italicize text you can just highlight it and hit ctrl-i, just as though you were in a word document. This has saved my sanity on many-an-occasion.

Be careful using the second-person in text, i.e. “you could never be sure” from the third paragraph. It comes off as jolting when that 4th wall is broken.

While I do like the fairly blunt in-your-face manner of the action, I think you could do with a bit more description. It is very easy to overdo this, and I’ve been known to do it on occasion (okay... like all of the time), but I think if you threw in a bit more sensory detail (satisfying all 5!) then it could really benefit the story.

And enough of the cons, now for the pros:

I liked Ventory. His character was believable (save maybe for the getting a drop on a Plague Marine, but we all get lucky sometimes!) as was his feelings as to suddenly having fallen in with a group of Space Marines.

The plot moves along nice and quickly. You don’t dawdle too long on unnecessary actions (as in a long and drawn out scene of walking to the base) and focus on the important issues that are necessary for further plot development.

The plot is certainly intriguing, in that a Guardsmen has been searched out in particular by the Space Marines and given augmentations. I’ll be looking forward to seeing what these enhancements actually are.

Enjoyable story, overall, and none of these errors (save maybe the block of text which the next chapters are) are off-putting. Considering this is your first work, it is a very solid job. I look forward to the rest.


-Cheers! :victory:
Boc
 
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