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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
This is a background story for my Loyalist World eaters. And I was planning to give it to my friends.
But since I think it's a horrible story, I figured I let you guys read it.
Just keep in your mind i'm 14 years old. Just so you know. So it's better to give helpful comments instead of:
"bad"
And I'm from Holland. So it's hard for me to type a story in English.


So quit typing now or try to type some more pages?
I'll try to post some more.
BTW In the next 2 weeks I'm also going to make the squad. I'll post pics when they are ready!

Another update, another colour:) And a name list for the squad!
Here's the new one:

Aggres= Squad leader/Chapter master new legion
Fégele= Old friend of Aggres/First captain
Wardus= The best fighter/First chaplain
Laag= The most technical member he also was a techmarine
Sammäel= The newest member replacing the old apothecary.

Betrayed
I looked around. Seeing nobody but my squad, all were relieved. I see some mechanical parts, covered in blood. This concerns me, aren't we in the battle anymore
”What happened?” I asked.
“You were knocked out for the couple of hours” said Fégele, one of my veteran squad.
”You missed a big battle brother” this was Wardus, my right hand. His white armour wasn’t visible anymore, because of all the blood.
“Where are we?” I asked whilst standing up.
”Onboard a stolen thunderhawk” Fégele replied. I looked around once again.
Fégele, Wardus, Laag, Sammäel and…. “Where’s Caldagus?” I asked although I knew the answer.
“Sorry sir he didn’t make it” Sammäel said.
It didn’t bother me, I am sure he died a beautiful death.
“So we are onboard a stolen thuderhawk, We just got fucking betrayed by our one Primarch! And we don’t have a goddamn clue where we’re going?”.
This time it was Laag speaking “Actually we’ve found an unknown human ship, if we can capture that ship then we can warp to another planet.”.
“If? We’re the hounds of war. We can take out the crew of a simple human ship! Don’t dare to say anything like that again, set course for that ship.”

We boarded the ship. There were only 15 guards, random pirates by thier looks. All of my squad Vestos rushed towards the bridge. Fégele was there first, he swept his chainaxe everywhere where people were. When we arrived we just saw a bloody mess.
“Okay, Laag get on the navigation console. Set a random course.” I orderd him.
”Random sir?” He asks.”Yes, our first priority is getting the hell out of here”.”Okay sir” he answers me.

A beautiful planet, green and blue. That’s where we landed. Well, more crash landed. Nobody endured serious wounds.
Everyone went straight outside. Like I’ve given a order. We see trees, dogs and some curious people.
Sammäel looked around “What now?”
“This is no Imperium planet, so we make contact” I said, “We are the hounds of war, bring us to your leader”.
A handful of humans started laughing.
Fégele took is chainaxe out, feeling dishonored.
I put a hand on his chainaxe and press it down “Easy Fégele”.
“We can bring you to our president” it was one of the people in the croud.

A big room, with many pictures on the wall. Mostly of the president himself.
“Who are you and what are you doing here!” the president walked around us.
“We are the World Eaters, I’m Aggres and this is my veteran squad, Squad Aggres.”
I replied.
“What do you want here?” the president aked.
“We want to repair our ship” I said, “but since this planet is new to the imperium, I want to train the new World Eaters legion!”
Everyone looks surprised.

“We’re going to build a World Eaters legion, loyal to the emperor!” I explained
Fégele sighed “Sorry Aggres I know you for a long time, but this is the most stupid idea”
I held my anger back “Well, Sammäel you know how to make a human, who is born for this, a space marine?”
“Yes, sir”, he answered immediately “but it will take days”.
I stand up, certain of my decision “You have that time brother”.
 

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I can use a little critism:)
Or is it just a lost case:)
Be patient man. It can take a week before you start getting feedback, nevermind a few hours!

As for the story itself, when you have characters talking, put what different person says on different lines.

Eg.

Person A
Person B
Person A
Person C
Person B

etc

Also why would they attack and kill humans if they did not betray the imperium? It still sounds like they have betrayed them.

You need to elaborate more. When you said "I looked around." instead of going straight to conversation you should say what you saw, get the reader to see through the eyes of the main character.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Be patient man. It can take a week before you start getting feedback, nevermind a few hours!
hmm...
*start walking through the room and checking the computer every minute*
:biggrin:
 

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What Ultra111 means is when someone new talks, you place it on a new line so its easier to read, i took the liberty of correcting a few spelling mistakes too that i underlined, red is also for words that don't need to be there and green for ones i added.


I looked around. Seeing nobody but my squad, all were relieved.
”What happend?” I asked.
“You were knocked out for a couple of hours” said Fégele, one of my veteran squad.
”You missed a big battle brother” this was Wardus, my right hand. His white armour wasn’t visible anymore, because of all the blood.
“Where are we?” I asked whilst standing up.
”Onboard a stolen thunderhawk” Fégele replied. I looked around once again. Fégele, Wardus, Laag, Sammäel and….
“Where’s Caldagus?” I asked although I knew the answer.
“Sorry sir he didn’t make it” Sammäel said. It didn’t bother me, I am sure he died a beautiful death.
“So we are onboard of a stolen thuderhawk, We just got fucking betrayed by our one Primarch! And we don’t have a goddamn clue where we’re going?”. This time it was Laag speaking
“Actually we’ve found an unknown human ship, if we can capture that ship then we can warp to a another planet.”
“If? We’re the hounds of war. We can take out the crew of a simple human ship! Don’t dare to say anything like that again, set a course for that ship.”

We boarded the ship. There were only 15 guards, random pirates by thier looks. All of my squad Vestos rushed towards the bridge. Fégele was there first, he swept his chainaxe everywhere the people were. When we arrived we just saw a bloody mess.
“Okay, Laag get on the navigation console. Set a random course.” I ordered him.
”Random sir?” He asks.
”Yes, our first priority is getting the hell out of here”.
”Okay sir” he answers me.


Just a tip when using the word 'a', if it follows a vowel (AEIOU) then it becomes 'an'. Surprisingly you seem to know the difference between were where and we're, so your spelling is a lot better than most people i know (I'm not joking). Oh and there's always a full stop at the end of quotes.

good work too, and sorry if i sound like your teacher :punish:
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
What Ultra111 means is when someone new talks, you place it on a new line so its easier to read, i took the liberty of correcting a few spelling mistakes too that i underlined, red is also for words that don't need to be there and green for ones i added.


I looked around. Seeing nobody but my squad, all were relieved.
”What happend?” I asked.
“You were knocked out for a couple of hours” said Fégele, one of my veteran squad.
”You missed a big battle brother” this was Wardus, my right hand. His white armour wasn’t visible anymore, because of all the blood.
“Where are we?” I asked whilst standing up.
”Onboard a stolen thunderhawk” Fégele replied. I looked around once again. Fégele, Wardus, Laag, Sammäel and….
“Where’s Caldagus?” I asked although I knew the answer.
“Sorry sir he didn’t make it” Sammäel said. It didn’t bother me, I am sure he died a beautiful death.
“So we are onboard of a stolen thuderhawk, We just got fucking betrayed by our one Primarch! And we don’t have a goddamn clue where we’re going?”. This time it was Laag speaking
“Actually we’ve found an unknown human ship, if we can capture that ship then we can warp to a another planet.”
“If? We’re the hounds of war. We can take out the crew of a simple human ship! Don’t dare to say anything like that again, set a course for that ship.”

We boarded the ship. There were only 15 guards, random pirates by thier looks. All of my squad Vestos rushed towards the bridge. Fégele was there first, he swept his chainaxe everywhere the people were. When we arrived we just saw a bloody mess.
“Okay, Laag get on the navigation console. Set a random course.” I ordered him.
”Random sir?” He asks.
”Yes, our first priority is getting the hell out of here”.
”Okay sir” he answers me.


Just a tip when using the word 'a', if it follows a vowel (AEIOU) then it becomes 'an'. Surprisingly you seem to know the difference between were where and we're, so your spelling is a lot better than most people i know (I'm not joking). Oh and there's always a full stop at the end of quotes.

good work too, and sorry if i sound like your teacher :punish:
I understand you more then my teacher. So thanks:laugh:
 
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