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This is a story about a poor guardsmen in the horrible world of Warhammer 40k. Remeber kids, this is not to be taken seriously.
Chapter One
Aetius has always wondered why he joined the Imperial Guard. Was it for the action that they always seem to be in? Was it because he can serve the Imperium? Was it that he wanted to prove himself in front of others? He always kept asking this question to himself since he arrived on Tarvos to help fight against the orks. He was excited at first, but he now realizes the power of delusions caused by excitement and ignorance. Ever since he arrived, all he has been doing is patrolling and guarding the camp, if thats what he can call it. Sometimes he wished he never joined and instead took that job down at Imperial-mart, knowing that at least he wont die of dyssynergic defaecation. But if there was one thing that kept him sane was his abnormal sleeping pattern. He was always up an hour earlier than the others in his barracks, lying in bed, having quiet time with his thoughts and dreams. Though it was nice to have the personal hour to himself, he felt that it was too short to fully enjoy.
It was five thirty now, and the hustling and groaning of the other men signaled that it was time to get up. His fellow privates quickly changed into uniform and hastily packed their bags for the five forty five inspection. Aetius was in short following as well, for as he and everyone else remembered, nobody wants for feel the wrath of a commissioner, especially Commissioner R. Lee Ermey, when it comes to morning inspections… Something that made Aetius found as another reason to abandon the cause. Within moments, everyone was geared up, beds were set and organized, and standing in order waiting for inspection. The men waited as usual, but was made worse when the door was smashed open, something that gave the men the feeling that this time there was something important to be discussed. The shadow of a trench coat topped with a imperial commissioner hat stretched across the floor as the early morning light shone behind the figure.
“Good morning you worthless piles of steaming ork shit!” Bellowed Commissioner R. Lee Ermey as he walked towards the center of the barrack’s floor. “Today is a very special day for all of you spineless women! We get to go into some real shit against the orks to prove that you are not the lowest life forms in the fucking galaxy. But guess what? YOU ARE! If fact, you are lower than the green defecated two legged motherfuckers called the orks, you are lower than the worm hided pig squealing dick sucking alien tyranids, and you are lower than the prissy pointy ear ass lickers called the eldar! Is that right?”
“Sir yes sir!” Yelled the troops.
“Bullshit. I can’t hear you over the sound of how pathetic you are!” Barked Ermey
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops with even more gusto.
“Now then, you should all know what to do in combat, and if you don’t, then you are a sad piece of fucking shit. But here is a reminder for you all because you are all too stupid to even remember. One, you will die fighting for the Emperor, two, you will stand your ground. If I see anyone of you even think of fleeing, then I will personally shoot you in the face, go to your parents house, kill you father, and then have sex with your mom! Is that clear?!” Threatened Ermey.
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops.
“Three” continued Ermey “you will fight to the last man, even if it means that you get captured, raped like a sad little girl, beaten like a sad little girl or eaten by a monstrous creature like a sad little girl. Do you understand?!”
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops again.
“All right then you sad excuses for men, debriefing of this mission by commander Mitsubishi will begin in ten minutes. If you are late, then I will personally rip out your spine, beat you to death with it, cook your remaining corpse and force feed it to the rest of your family! You are dismissed!” Said Ermey.
Commissioner R. Lee. Ermey then proceeded out the door as he left the troops in standing order, muttering about how stupid the men were and how bad his pay check was.
Aetius was elated. He is going to finally see some action. It has been six months since they arrived on Tarvos and all they had done was go on mundane patrols and listen to morbrid motivational speeches. This was it. Time to serve the Imperium in pure action. Excitement and adrenaline filled the air as the men began to talk and ask what their task is. Will they be with the main bulk and assault head on? Will they be parachuted behind enemy lines? Will they be part of the flank? Or will they guard the artillery? Such questions were asked to each other, even though the men had no idea what they were going to do exactly, only that they were nervous yet excited about this. But that all didn’t matter, they are finally going into combat on the battlefield.
Within five minutes the entire camp was standing in front of the general’s quarters, waiting for debriefing as a whole. Aetius was standing in the back along with his fellow privates. He prefer to sit in the back incase Commissioner R. Lee Ermey saw him or any of his friends slouching, for he does not really approve any sort of slouching what so ever. In fact, the last time that happened Ermey tied the offender to a metal pole and force him to drink Raspberry Smirnoff, one of the most disgusting drinks that mankind has ever conceived. It was controversial among the men, but Ermey proposed Nightquil instead, something a bit more extreme, but luckily was turned down of approval for the lesser pain.
When the clock hit six am, the entire assembly of men standing in front of the HQ tent became dead silent. All stood there waiting for the debriefing to begin. Within a minute the tent door whipped open as Commander Mitsubishi’s retinue stepped forward. They all scuttled to the side as one of them placed a small podium in front of them. Soon, commander Mitsubishi himself stepped forward and walked onto the podium, puffing up his chest to help compensate for his small stature. He looked on the small crowd of men, eyeing them with a cold stare. He cleared his throat and began the debriefing:
“As for me it is the planet which could apply approximately 4 annual which at this guerrilla warfare fights to this directly vis-a-vis orks. It is necessary those race to threaten existence just, in this way and to be eliminated with the name of the emperor. However, this is not easy work. Those fortified them themselves of this planet which makes the fact that those are eliminated soon in the impossible work trench. However, we finnally is broken the having which, now hit mainline with their doors! In the back section of the territory of platoon ork 13, it is carrying with reputation of decrease. Mainline passing by the defense of ork, between puch, it possesses the work of the thing which penetrates in the back section of fortifacations of ork. I fight lastly, finish work, because the failure has the fact that you expect that it is not selection! It retreats entirely!”
The men and staff applauded and cheered as commander Mitsubishi waved and walked off the podium back into his quarters. But as usual, no one understood a single word that commander Mitsubishi said… and no one would probably ever will.
“I did not understand a bloody word our commander said…” Muttered one of the soldiers next to Aetius.
“If you want to know, he speaks Engrish. But no matter what, act like you understood everything he said” warned Aetius. But it was confirmed: he will be in combat.
Chapter One
Aetius has always wondered why he joined the Imperial Guard. Was it for the action that they always seem to be in? Was it because he can serve the Imperium? Was it that he wanted to prove himself in front of others? He always kept asking this question to himself since he arrived on Tarvos to help fight against the orks. He was excited at first, but he now realizes the power of delusions caused by excitement and ignorance. Ever since he arrived, all he has been doing is patrolling and guarding the camp, if thats what he can call it. Sometimes he wished he never joined and instead took that job down at Imperial-mart, knowing that at least he wont die of dyssynergic defaecation. But if there was one thing that kept him sane was his abnormal sleeping pattern. He was always up an hour earlier than the others in his barracks, lying in bed, having quiet time with his thoughts and dreams. Though it was nice to have the personal hour to himself, he felt that it was too short to fully enjoy.
It was five thirty now, and the hustling and groaning of the other men signaled that it was time to get up. His fellow privates quickly changed into uniform and hastily packed their bags for the five forty five inspection. Aetius was in short following as well, for as he and everyone else remembered, nobody wants for feel the wrath of a commissioner, especially Commissioner R. Lee Ermey, when it comes to morning inspections… Something that made Aetius found as another reason to abandon the cause. Within moments, everyone was geared up, beds were set and organized, and standing in order waiting for inspection. The men waited as usual, but was made worse when the door was smashed open, something that gave the men the feeling that this time there was something important to be discussed. The shadow of a trench coat topped with a imperial commissioner hat stretched across the floor as the early morning light shone behind the figure.
“Good morning you worthless piles of steaming ork shit!” Bellowed Commissioner R. Lee Ermey as he walked towards the center of the barrack’s floor. “Today is a very special day for all of you spineless women! We get to go into some real shit against the orks to prove that you are not the lowest life forms in the fucking galaxy. But guess what? YOU ARE! If fact, you are lower than the green defecated two legged motherfuckers called the orks, you are lower than the worm hided pig squealing dick sucking alien tyranids, and you are lower than the prissy pointy ear ass lickers called the eldar! Is that right?”
“Sir yes sir!” Yelled the troops.
“Bullshit. I can’t hear you over the sound of how pathetic you are!” Barked Ermey
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops with even more gusto.
“Now then, you should all know what to do in combat, and if you don’t, then you are a sad piece of fucking shit. But here is a reminder for you all because you are all too stupid to even remember. One, you will die fighting for the Emperor, two, you will stand your ground. If I see anyone of you even think of fleeing, then I will personally shoot you in the face, go to your parents house, kill you father, and then have sex with your mom! Is that clear?!” Threatened Ermey.
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops.
“Three” continued Ermey “you will fight to the last man, even if it means that you get captured, raped like a sad little girl, beaten like a sad little girl or eaten by a monstrous creature like a sad little girl. Do you understand?!”
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops again.
“All right then you sad excuses for men, debriefing of this mission by commander Mitsubishi will begin in ten minutes. If you are late, then I will personally rip out your spine, beat you to death with it, cook your remaining corpse and force feed it to the rest of your family! You are dismissed!” Said Ermey.
Commissioner R. Lee. Ermey then proceeded out the door as he left the troops in standing order, muttering about how stupid the men were and how bad his pay check was.
Aetius was elated. He is going to finally see some action. It has been six months since they arrived on Tarvos and all they had done was go on mundane patrols and listen to morbrid motivational speeches. This was it. Time to serve the Imperium in pure action. Excitement and adrenaline filled the air as the men began to talk and ask what their task is. Will they be with the main bulk and assault head on? Will they be parachuted behind enemy lines? Will they be part of the flank? Or will they guard the artillery? Such questions were asked to each other, even though the men had no idea what they were going to do exactly, only that they were nervous yet excited about this. But that all didn’t matter, they are finally going into combat on the battlefield.
Within five minutes the entire camp was standing in front of the general’s quarters, waiting for debriefing as a whole. Aetius was standing in the back along with his fellow privates. He prefer to sit in the back incase Commissioner R. Lee Ermey saw him or any of his friends slouching, for he does not really approve any sort of slouching what so ever. In fact, the last time that happened Ermey tied the offender to a metal pole and force him to drink Raspberry Smirnoff, one of the most disgusting drinks that mankind has ever conceived. It was controversial among the men, but Ermey proposed Nightquil instead, something a bit more extreme, but luckily was turned down of approval for the lesser pain.
When the clock hit six am, the entire assembly of men standing in front of the HQ tent became dead silent. All stood there waiting for the debriefing to begin. Within a minute the tent door whipped open as Commander Mitsubishi’s retinue stepped forward. They all scuttled to the side as one of them placed a small podium in front of them. Soon, commander Mitsubishi himself stepped forward and walked onto the podium, puffing up his chest to help compensate for his small stature. He looked on the small crowd of men, eyeing them with a cold stare. He cleared his throat and began the debriefing:
“As for me it is the planet which could apply approximately 4 annual which at this guerrilla warfare fights to this directly vis-a-vis orks. It is necessary those race to threaten existence just, in this way and to be eliminated with the name of the emperor. However, this is not easy work. Those fortified them themselves of this planet which makes the fact that those are eliminated soon in the impossible work trench. However, we finnally is broken the having which, now hit mainline with their doors! In the back section of the territory of platoon ork 13, it is carrying with reputation of decrease. Mainline passing by the defense of ork, between puch, it possesses the work of the thing which penetrates in the back section of fortifacations of ork. I fight lastly, finish work, because the failure has the fact that you expect that it is not selection! It retreats entirely!”
The men and staff applauded and cheered as commander Mitsubishi waved and walked off the podium back into his quarters. But as usual, no one understood a single word that commander Mitsubishi said… and no one would probably ever will.
“I did not understand a bloody word our commander said…” Muttered one of the soldiers next to Aetius.
“If you want to know, he speaks Engrish. But no matter what, act like you understood everything he said” warned Aetius. But it was confirmed: he will be in combat.