[ThatOtherGuy]

This is a story about a poor guardsmen in the horrible world of Warhammer 40k. Remeber kids, this is not to be taken seriously.

Chapter One

Aetius has always wondered why he joined the Imperial Guard. Was it for the action that they always seem to be in? Was it because he can serve the Imperium? Was it that he wanted to prove himself in front of others? He always kept asking this question to himself since he arrived on Tarvos to help fight against the orks. He was excited at first, but he now realizes the power of delusions caused by excitement and ignorance. Ever since he arrived, all he has been doing is patrolling and guarding the camp, if thats what he can call it. Sometimes he wished he never joined and instead took that job down at Imperial-mart, knowing that at least he wont die of dyssynergic defaecation. But if there was one thing that kept him sane was his abnormal sleeping pattern. He was always up an hour earlier than the others in his barracks, lying in bed, having quiet time with his thoughts and dreams. Though it was nice to have the personal hour to himself, he felt that it was too short to fully enjoy.

It was five thirty now, and the hustling and groaning of the other men signaled that it was time to get up. His fellow privates quickly changed into uniform and hastily packed their bags for the five forty five inspection. Aetius was in short following as well, for as he and everyone else remembered, nobody wants for feel the wrath of a commissioner, especially Commissioner R. Lee Ermey, when it comes to morning inspections… Something that made Aetius found as another reason to abandon the cause. Within moments, everyone was geared up, beds were set and organized, and standing in order waiting for inspection. The men waited as usual, but was made worse when the door was smashed open, something that gave the men the feeling that this time there was something important to be discussed. The shadow of a trench coat topped with a imperial commissioner hat stretched across the floor as the early morning light shone behind the figure.

“Good morning you worthless piles of steaming ork shit!” Bellowed Commissioner R. Lee Ermey as he walked towards the center of the barrack’s floor. “Today is a very special day for all of you spineless women! We get to go into some real shit against the orks to prove that you are not the lowest life forms in the fucking galaxy. But guess what? YOU ARE! If fact, you are lower than the green defecated two legged motherfuckers called the orks, you are lower than the worm hided pig squealing dick sucking alien tyranids, and you are lower than the prissy pointy ear ass lickers called the eldar! Is that right?”

“Sir yes sir!” Yelled the troops.

“Bullshit. I can’t hear you over the sound of how pathetic you are!” Barked Ermey

“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops with even more gusto.

“Now then, you should all know what to do in combat, and if you don’t, then you are a sad piece of fucking shit. But here is a reminder for you all because you are all too stupid to even remember. One, you will die fighting for the Emperor, two, you will stand your ground. If I see anyone of you even think of fleeing, then I will personally shoot you in the face, go to your parents house, kill you father, and then have sex with your mom! Is that clear?!” Threatened Ermey.

“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops.

“Three” continued Ermey “you will fight to the last man, even if it means that you get captured, raped like a sad little girl, beaten like a sad little girl or eaten by a monstrous creature like a sad little girl. Do you understand?!”
“SIR YES SIR!” Yelled the troops again.

“All right then you sad excuses for men, debriefing of this mission by commander Mitsubishi will begin in ten minutes. If you are late, then I will personally rip out your spine, beat you to death with it, cook your remaining corpse and force feed it to the rest of your family! You are dismissed!” Said Ermey.

Commissioner R. Lee. Ermey then proceeded out the door as he left the troops in standing order, muttering about how stupid the men were and how bad his pay check was.

Aetius was elated. He is going to finally see some action. It has been six months since they arrived on Tarvos and all they had done was go on mundane patrols and listen to morbrid motivational speeches. This was it. Time to serve the Imperium in pure action. Excitement and adrenaline filled the air as the men began to talk and ask what their task is. Will they be with the main bulk and assault head on? Will they be parachuted behind enemy lines? Will they be part of the flank? Or will they guard the artillery? Such questions were asked to each other, even though the men had no idea what they were going to do exactly, only that they were nervous yet excited about this. But that all didn’t matter, they are finally going into combat on the battlefield.

Within five minutes the entire camp was standing in front of the general’s quarters, waiting for debriefing as a whole. Aetius was standing in the back along with his fellow privates. He prefer to sit in the back incase Commissioner R. Lee Ermey saw him or any of his friends slouching, for he does not really approve any sort of slouching what so ever. In fact, the last time that happened Ermey tied the offender to a metal pole and force him to drink Raspberry Smirnoff, one of the most disgusting drinks that mankind has ever conceived. It was controversial among the men, but Ermey proposed Nightquil instead, something a bit more extreme, but luckily was turned down of approval for the lesser pain.

When the clock hit six am, the entire assembly of men standing in front of the HQ tent became dead silent. All stood there waiting for the debriefing to begin. Within a minute the tent door whipped open as Commander Mitsubishi’s retinue stepped forward. They all scuttled to the side as one of them placed a small podium in front of them. Soon, commander Mitsubishi himself stepped forward and walked onto the podium, puffing up his chest to help compensate for his small stature. He looked on the small crowd of men, eyeing them with a cold stare. He cleared his throat and began the debriefing:

“As for me it is the planet which could apply approximately 4 annual which at this guerrilla warfare fights to this directly vis-a-vis orks. It is necessary those race to threaten existence just, in this way and to be eliminated with the name of the emperor. However, this is not easy work. Those fortified them themselves of this planet which makes the fact that those are eliminated soon in the impossible work trench. However, we finnally is broken the having which, now hit mainline with their doors! In the back section of the territory of platoon ork 13, it is carrying with reputation of decrease. Mainline passing by the defense of ork, between puch, it possesses the work of the thing which penetrates in the back section of fortifacations of ork. I fight lastly, finish work, because the failure has the fact that you expect that it is not selection! It retreats entirely!”

The men and staff applauded and cheered as commander Mitsubishi waved and walked off the podium back into his quarters. But as usual, no one understood a single word that commander Mitsubishi said… and no one would probably ever will.

“I did not understand a bloody word our commander said…” Muttered one of the soldiers next to Aetius.
“If you want to know, he speaks Engrish. But no matter what, act like you understood everything he said” warned Aetius. But it was confirmed: he will be in combat.

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Aetius stood outside of the hanger along with the rest of his squad. The men were talking to each other why they were being sent down to the deepest part of ork territory. Most of the men came up with rational to wild theories on their mission down there, such as infiltration to full out suicidal bombing. But whatever the case it was, they were all excited either way... With the exception of one individual.

“You know what… why are they sending us down there? I mean… look… we are just fresh recruits with only mediocre experience and they are sending us down into uncharted territory. Just think about it. This is suicide! Why can’t they send down the storm troopers or those stupid Karsikins?” Said one of the guardsmen.

“That’s a good question… I don’t have the faintest idea why they would send fresh recruits instead of the veterans” siad Aetius.

Such a question began to raise doubts among the squad, slowly evaporating their enthusiasm.

“Well” began one of the other guardsmen “I think it’s kind of suspicious that our elite platoon just vanished into thin air without a trace, I mean…”

A stern voice behind the guardsmen replied “It’s because they all died when they were sent out. Those orks are sneaky little bastards.”

The men turned around to see a towering figure looming above them. They looked upon a grizzeled face which radiated the idea of a harden commando that has seen much in his life.

“Men, my name is Sergeant Harold and I have been assigned to you by Commissioner R. Lee Ermey to lead you in our mission behind enemy lines.”

He began to slowly pace back in forth in front of the men, staring at them in the eyes, ensuring they payed attention. He continued:

“I have fought against these reached beasts for nearly ten years in my service for the Emperor. They are some of the Imperium’s most dangerous enemies… and most numerous. Our mission is to make a clearing zone behind their lines for a surprise assault on their main base. It will be a hard and dangerous task, but fear not! We have the strength and will power to accomplish this! This is a very critical mission, but if we… no… we must succeed if we want to end their invasion of this precious planet! While most of you have very little experience in combat, If you trust me, we will prevail, for such a task is not to be taken lightly. I say again, with strength, blood, sweat and faith, we will save this planet!"

“For the Emperor!” Cried the men as they simultaneously raised there lasguns in the air.

“But if we do fail” continued Sergeant Harold “They will destroy this planet and massacre the innocent population. They will tear the children limb by limb as they burn down everything that was built up here. They will eat and devour women and new born babes with their teeth, which is sharper than any blade you have! After they rape this planet, they will continue to conquer this system like a plague among a hive city! It will become a simple invasion to a full blown WAAAGH!!! If we fail… and it will bring down shame to all of you men if we do not prevail! The shame will be on your hands, no one elses! You will be considered traitors, failures and a disgrace to the Emperor! The shame will be that of such despair, that it might drive your families insane with guilt that they might commit suicide. But that’s if we fail…”

The men's expressions changed from invigorating motivation to shocked confusement hinted with despair.

“Well then… we will meet up in hanger fifteen and board valkyrie thirty seven in t-minus ten minutes. Put on your game faces, for the fate of this sector rests solely upon your hands! See you then!” Said Harold with a cheerful look on his face.

The men watched in a sort of disturbed silence as their newly appointed sergeant skipped along the dirt into the hanger, whistling out loud the theme song from “The Longest Day”.

“Soooo…. Is he right on the part that if we mess this up we would be the sole cause of the destruction of this sector? Because… uuummm… that doesn’t’ really motivate me at all to do this... In fact, this makes me just kinda want to... just give up.” Commented one of the guardsmen.

"You know what... I think it would of been better if he just said 'dont fuck this up'." Said another guardsmen.

“Look, just… just… just ignore him okay? I think we will do fine as long as we stay together and work together.” Aetius said with a twinge of false confidence in his tone.

Within a second after that, Harold popped his head out of the side of the hanger door. “Men, I forgot to mention. You will all be scattered about and will be working alone, for I decided that it will cover more ground in shorter time. Your only form of communication to each other will be these cheap radio-shack mics.”

The men looked at each other again with a more depressed look than before as Harold kicked a box over to them with their poor walkie-talkies. The men looked and analyzed them, only to find that most of them didn't work and that those which did work had the batteries taped to the bottom. Aetius looked at his and noticed the date on it, for it was posted on the bottom that these were made in 1999.

“Well” one of the guardsmen began “It looks like this whole saving the Imperium thing is not so much fun anymore… but uhhh… never mind, let’s just get over to the stupid plane and get this over with.”

The men proceeded to move to the hanger with nothing more than their packs, lasguns, and a sense of inevitable doom hovering over their minds as they boarded their flight.

Aetius and his fellow comrades sat aboard the valkyrie silently as they were flying over into ork territory. Aetius and the men were all nervous, looking at each other with very little confidence and hope. Aetius peered over to see what was outside of the window. He looked on to see nothing more than a sea of trees and mountains, an obvious indicator that they won’t be coming back once on the ground. But yet, it gave Aetius a little comfort to know that he won’t be in a muddy hell hole called a camp for a long time.

“All right men listen up!” Harold yelled as the cockpit door swung open, only to smash into one of the guardsmen sitting next to it. “We are going to drop off in about t-minus five minutes. We are in the deepest part of ork territory, so if anyone of you has a little hope of returning, it would be a good time to just admit that you are most likely going to die horribly. Anyhow, here are your parachutes!”

Harold began to throw the men each of their parachute bags. Aetius looked at his parachute and could tell that these were nothing more than rehashed pieces of cloth and rags stuffed into a gym back with two straps to hold onto with the traditional imperial signum stitched to the side. He watched as the other men tried to put them on, only to see that most of them got tangled in the un-proportional straps.

“These parachutes are a bit old, but they still function properly. Now then, in order to release your parachute, you first pull the green cord, then the light green cord, then the dark green cord, then the pine-forest green cord, next the lime green cord, then the green cord that looks like the lime green cord but slightly darker and then finally the dark green cord that has more of a blue tint to it than the regular dark green cord.” Said Harold as he pointed to the straps that were about the size of small sticky-note.

The men looked at him with utmost confusion on what he said about the parachutes, but everyone pretended to understand what he said. Sergeant Harold then whipped out his GPS. The little machine beeped, and with that Harold walked to back hatch of the plane and kicked it open. The door flew off and the next thing the men realized is that they were much higher up above the ground than they thought they were.

“Okay men, here we are! Remember what I said about the orks and how the fate of this sector rests upon your hands! Give the signal when you guys find a good spot for reinforcements.” Harold said cheerfully.

“But wait… what were the instructions about the parachute again?” Said one of the guardsmen standing next to the open hatch.

“What did you say soldier? Did you want to go first? I really cant hear you!” Yelled Harold.

“I said, what were the instructions about the parachute—AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!!”
Aetius saw the poor man fly out the hatch after sergeant Harold pushed him, screaming as he swiftly fell to his doom.

“I gotta admit, that man had a ton of enthusiasm about this mission!” Yelled Harold at the frighten troops, all staring at him like he was some sort of mentally insane serial murderer.

"Oh! I forgot to mention" he continued "I actually wont be accompanying you guys on this. I said all of that stuff to just to make you guys feel somewhat important so you would be motivated to do this. Anyhow, hope you all know what to do!"

One by one the men jumped out, each of them fanatically pulling the cords to unleash the parachute, in which most of them achieved... most of them.

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Okay, last part of chapter one my apathetic friends.

The rusteling of trees following and the talking of men were the dominant sound as Aetius lifted his head up. He sat on his knees, only to learn that his vision was distorted by the mud and a burning sensation in his genital area.

"Dam dude. You must had one hell of a fall. Im suprised that you survived... well, not entirely. I mean, you did hit every single branch on the way down and then smashed you face into this soft mud... Also you've been out for the past two days."

Aetius looked up at the private and simply mumbled "thanks" in return. Rising up from the mud and wiping it off his face, he looked around to see that it was him and a few other men that survived. They all looked like a pack of beaten dogs, but yet still retained their sanity. The mission, as if he could call it anymore, was a complete fiasco. With all of the squad dead beside the three that stood in front of him, total defeat just laid around the next corner for them. Aetius dragged himself to a log and sat down, burying his face into his dirt crusted hands. Two of soldiers did the same, showing equal despaire and frusteration.

"Ok guys... What did I miss out on?" Aetius asked.

"Well... after the drop in, most of us tried to meet up so we could do this as a team, but it turned out that most of the squad either died from parachute malfunctions or ambushed by ork kommandos. After that,we spent the next day trugding through the woods until we saw you in the mud. Carl over here tired to wake you... it wasn't till he shocked you in the balls with a make-shift taser out of your radio battery till you woke... which was another mistake, for you see... uhhhmm... your radio was the only one that worked. And that is why we are here and also why you crouch hurts" the private answered.

"You guys woke me up through shocking me in the balls?! And through that you destroyed our only way of communication to the outside world?! What the hell is wrong with you guys?!" screamed Aetius.

"Well, we didn't know that your radio was the only working one after we pumped 200 watts in your genital area... but look on the bright side... we are all still alive!" the private said in a last desperate attempt to make their method of reviving Aetius justified.

Aetius stood up and walked away and started to curse out loud as he headed behind the brush, shaking his clentched hand furiously towards the sky. The three others looked at him, feeling some regret for what they did in order to wake him up.

"Did you tell him that we probably fried his 'man-juice' to the point of infertility?" Whisperd Carl to the private.

"Naaa... I think the poor man has had enough trouble already." He replied.
It was about an half hour later that Aetius walked back to the log and slumped back onto it, drentched in the mixed feeling of frusteration and dissapointment in this situation. He glared at the rest of the men, hinting that he was not happy at all about this, especially the taser-revival. They tried to calm Aetius down with small talk and some jokes, which worked for the most part, but it wasn't long till the message of failure reached through the others as Aetius was feeling right now. They sat there, stareing at each other with signs of defeat.

"Well" said Carl as he stood up "since we all know that we have failed miserably with this mission and we are all going to die either way out here, might as well have some fun before we all kick the can."

"What do you mean?" said the private curiously.

"Let me explain..." Grinned Carl. "This game is called 'How we are going to die'. The rules are that you must predict your death and describe it... who evers prediction is the worst wins! Its just that easy!"

The others looked at him horrified.

"Thats the most morbrid and terrible game I have ever heard of! I mean, here we are, sitting in ork territory out in the middle of nowhere with the pain of failure in our consciness, and you decide that we should predict our own deaths as a sort of last minute piece of entertainment?! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Well... you see here Aetius... well... let me go first and you will see how fun it is." Rebuttled Carl.

He held his hands up using them to set a scene for his prediction, even though the others looked at him with a lack of excitment.

"Okay, I predict that my death will be at the hands of a ork nob... and he will... uhhh... tear me apart with a power claw... then he will place my head on his trophy rack and proceed to use my corpse as some sort of sports equipment. Now one of you guys try." Started Carl trying to show some expression that his game was truly fun.

"No... Just... No... Just shut the hell up and sit down, will ya?" Said the private.

Carl, disgrunteled at his failure of trying to lighten things us, sat down on the log. It wasn't too long before they began to talk about on how they are going to get out of here. At first some of the plans seemed quiet plausable and rational to execute, but they kept running into the scenario with the mountains and orks as major problems to succeed in their plan. They continued until it was the peak of day. Deciding that they had enough brainstorming, they began to eat what was left of their rations. Half way through their so called lunch, a mysterious noise began to rang out of the the guardsmen's bag.

BZZZZD!!! BZZZZZD!!! BZZZZZZZD!!!

Aetius, Carl and the private swung their heads to the guardsmen sitting at the far end of the log. He too was suprised at this sound. Searching around, they found that the mysterious buzzing came from the man's bag. He scrambled through his bag, to find that the source of this buzz came from a small black object. He pulled it out, only to look in the reflection of a bright neon screen that showed a message.

"Oh, sorry lads, it was my iphone making that noise. Apparently someone just friend invited me on Facebook here... Can you guys just give me a minute to see who this is?.. also I should update my Facebook status here-"

"Wait wait wait wait wait... You had a iphone all this time and you didn't tell anyone about this?!!?" Aetius screamed as he cutted off the guardsman.

"Well, you guys just never asked."

The men looked at the guardsmen with their faces burning red full of rage. Carl screamed with the anger of a thousand orks at the top of his lungs as he lunged towords the man. He landed on top of him, yelling and swearing as he throbbed the poor man's head up and down into the dirt. Even though they were pissed, Aetius and the private grabbed hold of Carl and dragged him back, with him threating the man with his life. With the little stuff they had left in their bags, they tied Carl up to a tree so he could calm down from his spaz attack. The guys just sat their, slowly venting their anger and frusteration till they had themselves under control.

"Well, even with the iphone we still have no way of calling reinforcements" the private said.

"Oh, I actually have an application on this phone that can contact the base via radio... its quiet amazing what they have on this thing."

Aetius snapped the phone away from his hands and began fiddleing with the program. After some moments, he got onto the frequency that was needed to contact the base.

"This is fort Lawton speaking."

"Uh, yes, this is Aetius from squad 41, we have found a clearing zone for reinforcements and would need them on the double"

"We have found your location and we will be their shortly. Please meet up at a clearing zone large enough for us to land. There is one five miles away from your position up north."

The men rejoiced as to what they heard. Not only that they will recieve aid, but they also succeeded in their mission! They grabbed their packs and started running towards the clearing five miles north. It was tough trek through the mud, woods and the plants, but the men were so excited that these obsitcals were nothing to care for in their path. They ran and ran until they found the LZ. It was a large clearing in the forest, a patch of grass and some rocks. They sat down from exaustion but it mattered not for them. They are going to be saved. The iphone began to ring again and Aetius answered without hesitation.

"This is Aetius from squad 41 speaking"

"Greetings Aetius, this is Marcus, we see your position and will be their in t-minus eight minutes."

They all looked up to see a small grey shape in the sky. It was a transport. A very large transport. Aetius was about to shut off the iphone until he heard shouting and argueing on the other end.

"Hey, hey! You keep your hands on your side Trevor. I controll this side of the cockpit, and you control your side. That means you keep track of your buttons over there, and I keep track of mine here."
The men looked at each other in slight confusement as to what is going on, only to see the plane comming closer.

"So this is how you want to play Trevor?! How would you like it if I started to push buttons on your side!... Thats it I had enough of this!"

They watched as the plane began to swing back in forth in the sky, tetering and shaking violently.

"Dont touch my steering wheel like that you asshole!!... Take that you douchebag, now you dont have a steering wheel!!"

One of the engines on the side of the plane combusted in flames seconds after that. The plane began to spin wildly out of control as it steered off to the side dramatically. The men watched in horror to see the massive plane smashed into the side of the mountain, defacing the giant piece of earth with smoke and ash. Their jaws dropped at the sight of this. There will be no reinforcements.

 

[arturslv]

A sweet story, man, funny as well... "Dont touch my steering wheel...!"

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

I just felt like writing something else besides bolter porn.

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

And Heres Moar!

"Great. Just bloody fucking shit-tastic great!" Cried the private "After four days of hell plus the wieght of the world on our heads, two fucking twats flying an air bus decide it would be fun to fly everything that we need into a mountain!"

The rest of the men looked at him with sympathy, thinking the same thing as well. The private kept screaming and yelling curses as he went on his little tantrum in the back brush while the others just muttered about thier poor luck. Aetius sat their and watched the burning rubble on the side of the mountain, looking at it as his last bits of hope floated away from him. But as the men kept themselves quiet with their frusteration, the private continued with his rage as he walked deeper into the forest.

"Fucking ass shit Imperial Guard! Then send us to this hell hole camp and then threw us in the middle of nowhere to get killed! Fucking assholes! God, if I had the chance to punch our so-called seargent in the face, I would do so! That fucking cock sucker bitch as- OOFFF"

The private fell backwards onto the ground, rubbing his nose furiously to sooth the pain as to what it ran into. He looked up to see what stopped him, thinking that it was a tree of some sort. Instead he gazed upon a rusty breast plate with a crudly painted on sun with sharp teeth. He continued to look up to see that breast plate had a mean and green ugly head attached to hit, grinning with delight.

"Wot do we have ere?"

Aetius and the others stood up in suprise to hear a high pitch scream followed by laughter. They all looked at each other and with just the subliminal looks on their faces it was clear: the orks are here. Aetius and the men started to sprint north with fear forceing them to hallucinate that their could be shelter up in the north. The ran with all they had left, but it was that of no use; they could hear them right behind them. One of the men turned his head around to see how far behind they were, only to be struck down by a low branch that he was not aware of in front of him. That left only with Carl and Aetius.

"Do you know where we are going my friend!?" gasped Aetius.

"As far away from them to say the least!"

Carl turned his head forward again only to witness a massive claw comming straight at him. The wielder of the claw swept up Carl and sliced him in half.

"Oi! I bet is bodie is good fer some sort ov sport, eh? Also da hed is mine!" Chuckled the nob.

Aetius cared not for the fate of Carl. His adrenilne was the master of his body now, and the only thing that it was commanding him to do was run. His legs began to wobble from sprinting so much but he could not stop. He thought he was in the clear until he looked forward. He dug his heels in the dirt, only to stop a few paces infront of the ork group. They all looked at him with childish glee, brandishing their knives and axes as to prepare for the kill.

"Lets chop him up!" Shouted on ork.

"Na ya stupid git! Lets stab im!" Rebuttled another ork.

Soon, Aetius was standing in front of an group of orks, arguing over how they should deal his fate.

"All ight, all ight boyz! How bout this em, wez stabbz em an then chopps him upz?" Roared the nob as he pushed his way towards the front. He stared at Aetius with a wide and evil grin that stretched across his face.

"Oi! Since when did ya kall em shots around ere?!" Yelled one of the orks. "Last week, you wer not holding da posishon to lead en group ere!"

The nob rolled his eyes and looked at the group "Dont anyone of ere rememberz last weeks elekshons?"

Some of the orks stood in silence while some of them shook their heads and muttered in their reply.

"Ight them, for those who were not there for em elekshons, we've voted for dem on whoz gonna be in da offise ov leedar ship. Me waz chosen to lead ya gitz on thes misshon. Yaz gots et?"

"Buts ar'nt yaz from eh dakka parte?" Asked one of the smaller orks.

"Ya got thats ight." Boasted the nob.

"If at so, then whys yerz leeden us then? This mob voted for eh choppa parte."

The nob buried his face in his palm and released a large sigh. He replied:

"Its does not matterz for ya vote for. Me waz put en charge of yoz boyz bi Gargerensis."

"Wait e'minut... I thought wez were a sosiety based off ov marshial power en size, not ov dis voten sutff?" Asked one of the other orks.

"No ya stoopid git, thats waz don away bout a yeer ago. Too many boyz were gettin too big to decide, so we's changed et to a demokratic system." Said one of the other orks as he slapped the questioner on the back side of the head.

"Thats ight boy, wez votes for ya warboss Gargerensis, en from that he choze me to lead ya" said the nob.

"But that dont make en troo demokratic system. We vote for teh warboss, but then he'as all them power. That make'it a monarky or in some sense, a diktatorship." Snubbed the ork in return.

"No ya git, its not a monarky... let me explain. We, teh orks, vote on our warboss. In elekshon, we vote for one of em two bosses. Whoz ever getz dem most votes is da warboss, which should be quite obvios. Though both bosses er supported bi either dem dakka party ors choppa party. Em two parties'er what make em different from a monarky. Why dem two parties? Bekause dem two parties have diff'ernt interests based off of teh boyz. After dat, teh warboss takes office an is sworn in by the oath of teh WAAAGH!!! He is den warboss of teh clan. But es power en office es checked by da senate, made up of both dem dakka and choppa party, which makes it completely different from a diktatorship. Teh can overturn or approve da warboss's deshishons, such as a WAAAGH!!! And through all of dat, I am voted to lead you boyz. Gotz it?"

All of the orks began to come to realization and started to shake their heads in agreement. The nob, feeling accomplished to what he has reminded the boys, turns around back to Aetius.

"Boss, hez gone!"



Aetius stopped and took a minute to catch his breath. He sat down to peer over the edge of the cliff to see the orks trying to pursue him, but overall confused onto where he went. This gave him some precious time to drink whats left of his canteen and take a breather. He heard them below as they called each other stupid for losing him. With his vigor back, he slowly crept along the edge of the cliff till he was behind the group of orks. He walked slowly until their voices and cries were no more. He continued until he reached the clearing were the supposed reinforcements were to arrive. Scavengering around, Aetius only found the remains of his squads bags before they ran off from danger prior. Finding only some rations and an extra canteen, it was enough to make him feel a bit more light hearted about this situation. He thought to himself that they flew north to this position, so camp must be towards the south, guessing it might be about two hundred miles away. If he could get close enough to front lines, then he could catch a ride back to base and gear up again.

Aetius gathered himself and pressed forward. Setting afoot, he traveld for about five hours before the inevitable would happen.

"Found ya you humie!" Yelled the nob as he jumped out of the brush.

Followed by an additional twelve orks, they surrounded him with blades out and guns pointed.

"All ight, Im gonna make dis a speshul day for ya punie hummie!" The nob said as he raised his claw.

"WAIT!" said Aetius lifting his hands up in the air.

"Wot is it?"

"If you kill me... then... then you wont find the super secret treasure!" Aetius said.

The orks stopped. Looking at each other with confusion, they put their weapons down to listen to his words. The nob was very suspicious about Aetius's claim and asked:

"So wats this super secret treasure?"

Aetius thought for a moment. That first sentance he said saved him but he didn't think far ahead enough to finish talking himself out of this.

"This... this... treasure was buried here along time ago by anctient humans... uhhh... the treasure itself was so precious that they hid it among the mountains and buried it so deep that it would an entire army to dig up!" Aetius said while forcing a grin on his face.

The orks looked at him with more interest and began to talk quietly to each other. The nob looked at them and started to slowly buy into this lie that Aetius was making up.

"But you see" Aetius continued "There is not only gold... but... but... weapons! Yes! Very powerful weapons! Weapons so powerful that they can tear a baneblade apart with a single beam!"

The looks on the orks faces turned wild with excitment. Their lust for killing Aetius had turn into a lust for weapons, with their eys and ears turned on him waiting for more descriptions about this treasure trove.

"With weapons like these, you can conquer systems in matter of days! You can finnally destroy your rivals and become super warbosses in your own right!"

The orks became uncontrollable with excitment now.

"All ight boyz, settle down! You humie'ar much mor precious dan we thought yer be." The nob snarled while showing a diabolical smile.

Aetius was elated that we wasn't going to die... for now. Closing his eyes for a moment, he opened up only to see a fist fly into his face, only to feel, hear or see nothing for along time after that.



His head blaring with pain and noise, Aetius woke up to find himself tied to a chair surrounded by hundreds of orks in a dimly lit room. Guns and axes were all branished as the green horde looked at him. His attention, however, was turned away when a huge green machine stepped forward and peered straight down at him. Aetius could only guess that this was Gargerensis... the warboss.

"So yaz tellen me dat this humie knows were da super sekret treasure is dat youz all talken 'bout?" Spat Gargerensis.

"Ya boss, dis is da humie" the familar nob replied.

Gargerensis squinched his eyes and looked straight into Aetius's face. He could see the drool and mechanical work on the warbosses face as the beast analyized him.

"So... if ya really trufful about dis treasure... den why dont youz tells us ere?" Gargerensis said, as he looked towards the crowd giving them a look like he exposed the lie that they bought into.

"Sure... sure I can tell you. But I cant really put it into words... but I can easily draw it out if I may have a piece of paper and a pen of some sort..."

A nob came with a piece of bark and a knife and slammed it on the table infront of Aetius. They untied him briefly for him to preform the task, but kept a close eye on him. Aetius grabbed the knife and began etching a circle in the middle to represent the base. He had no idea on the geography of their position, so as a last desporate grasp to save himself, he randomingly etched some mountains on the side with some river in between. He finished it by drawing a squigglely line that ended at a x on the other end of the bark. The orks looked at him with curiousity after he was done like he was some sort of demi-god. Gargerensis snatched the piece of bark and anaylized it.

"I NEW IT!!" Roar Gargernsis, smashing the table infront of Aetius. "Its just a big joke on us orks! All of dem directions is wrong!"

This was it. Aetius was dead. He never though that his demise would be at the hand of the warboss himself. He closed his eyes and silently prayed for a swift and mercyful death. Suddenly, Gargerensis pointed out:

"You got dis map upside down, ya stoopid humie."

Aetius looked up to see the warboss turn the map upside down, changing from pure anger to pride.

"All ight boyz listen up ere! We gonna get us some big dakka! So, pack all of dem stuff of yers and lets get moving! We got a speshul map and some speshul choppas to get!"

The orks yelled in glorious joy as Gargerensis stormed out of the room holding the map in the air. They were so excited that they left Aetius untied and unwatched. He peered out of the window to see hundred upon hundreds of orks pileing up supplies and tools on top of sqiggoths and trucks. It was a spectacular sight to behold, for withing about ten minutes, the fort went from a bustling war zone to completely empty. Aetius walked out side to see all of the orks storm out of the fort and dissapear into the woods, yelling and shooting their weapons into the air with joy. Aetius, now alone in the camp with not a single creature in sight, slowly began to walk out of the fort's unbarred gates, whistening the theme song from "The Longest Day".

 

[Iron_Tyson]

the title is misleading ....i liked.

 

[Davidicus 40k]

Your self-confidence is astounding. It wasn't half bad!

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

I did the thread title for the lulz

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Moar!.. I mean, Chapter 3

With the orks gone to the other side of the mountains, Aetius was finally alone. At first it felt very unnatural for him to be completely alone, but he soon embraced this tranquility as more of a blessing than a curse. As he walked past the gates of the fort, he saw ahead the endless forest. When he first was thrown into the forest, he despised it as a death trap, a place that was to be his doom. But with almost nothing to worry about, the forest turned out to be a beautiful haven. He could hear the wildlife like never before as he walked on through, following no specific direction what-so-ever. It was almost dark, but that mattered not for him, he had this all to himself.

As the sun finally was no more in the sky, it became much darker than he anticipated. He contiuned through as he pushed his way through logs, brush and other various plants. But something stopped him dead in his tracks. He crouched down in a near by bush for cover as he heard voices ahead. But it was not the voices and sounds of the crude orks, but more of a eloquent speech that would come from a more intelligent individual. Soon he could tell that it was not one person, but several people talking, conversing on the subject of a missing person. One of them was talking in a high pitched feminine voice to apparently to some others. But that went out the door as soon as he saw another thing. Within ten feet from his position, Aetius saw a shadowy figure in a robe, holding what appeared to be a long rifle of somesort.

Within several minutes, his eyes fully ajusted to the darkness around him. He could finally make out the figure infront of him: an eldar ranger. The voices he heard was probably an eldar search party of some sort. But he cared not about their buiness, all he knew is that he was a dead man if he stayed here any longer. If he tried to run, he would be shot down. If he sat put, he would most likely be found and killed. He options were almost nothing save for the impossible: deception. Aetius knew that he had to do something if he wanted to survive. He slowly stood up, and started to walk closely to the ranger. Taking his steps ever so slightly, he made his way till he was standing right behind him.

"Wow, it must suck to be on watch" whispered Aetius.

The ranger jumped a smidge and tilted his head to the side, only to see a very vague looking figure. He moved his head back to his prior postion and let out a low sigh, feeling that it was someone he knew that crept up one him.

"Yeah... I always hate being on patrol... that dumb bitch of a leader" the ranger replied quietly.

Aetius now had this guy rolling. If he could keep it up he might just be able to slide by.

"Oh I totally agree with you on that one... I have a feeling shes a closet lesbian..." Aetius again whispered.

"If she was a closet lesbian, that would explain everything."

"We all know that banshee breast plates make them look like they have big boobs, but we could obviously agree that their all flatties, especially this bitch."

"I concure! Man, Im suprised that Im not the only one who realizes this!"

Aetius laughed back "I bet if you hit those knockers they ring out hollow."

The ranger switch from chuckleing to a laughter.

"Amen to that brother! I swear I-"

The ranger stopped when he turned his head and stared straight into the eyes of Aetius.

"Waaaaait a minute... Your not an eldar..." The ranger said slowly.

His cover was blown. He stared straight into the eyes of the ranger. His complex eldar face showed the signs of utter confusion as his conversational companion was not that of his own kin. Aetius didn't take a second, and turned straight around to move to his escape, but instead he looked straight on to the blade that was pointed in his face. His eyes traveled up the sword's edge to see that the weilder was a very unhappy looking banshee.

"I knew it!" she screamed "I knew that their was something rotten in the air! It was a stupid human all along! How much have you heard!? Who sent you here?!"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?" asked Aetius.

Wrong thing to ask. The banshee kicked him straight into the chest, sending him back a few feet into a small clearing in the woods. Without thought, he brought himself up back onto his feet only to see that their was the ranger, the banshee and several eldar guardians. The guardians had their guns pointed at him, while the banshee posed infront of him to send the message of her superiority.

"Well, well. Looks like we have a dirty little mon'keigh sitting here in our mist" the banshee said haughtly "What a pathetic race you are... common as roaches on a dead corpse and as about as usless as flies on a fresh meal! All you do is destroy everything that is beautiful, rape all that is useful and desicrate all that is holy. Your race is nothing more than primative backwater creatures with no sense of dignity! You are disgusting, foul bunch of - "

The banshee was cut off from her rant by a high pitch muffled squeeking noise that was dragged out for several seconds. She turned around to see one of the guardians titled ever so slighty to one side with the opposite leg lifted off the ground by an inch. The silence after that lasted about a moment until the group of eldar started to cover their noses and back away from the culprit of the group.

"By the gods, that was the most disgusting thing that I have ever smelt!" screamed the banshee.

"Hey that was a pretty dam good fart there!" chuckled the ranger as the other guardians joined in.

"YOU GUYS ARE PIGS!!!"

"Aw comon... you know were just having some fun here."

Though Aetius could not see the banshee's face under her helm, he could tell that it was boiling with pure unadulterated rage.

"Look here! Im trying to down grade this guardsmen as much as I can and you guys are screwing it up with your immature antics!!!" she raged on.

Another fart came out, but this time with a lower tune. The guardians again laughed in amusement.

"I have enough of this shit! If you guys cant behave as austere eldar as your supposed to be, then Isha so help me that I dont drive this blade up your ass!" threatned the banshee.

"Awww calm down their pancake butt. Were only having a good old time!" sarcasticly replied one of the guardians.

The banshee lost it. She slapped the guardian in the face and stormed off, swearing in a fit of rage combined with the actions of an unatural PSMing.

"You know what... Im just gonna leave here... is that cool with you guys?" Asked Aetius.

"Whatever... just stay out of the way of the angry flat chested ginger... We better calm her down so we can find the girl..."

The eldar tunred around and followed the trail of debris that the banshee left over from swinging her blade violently. Aetius turned around also and walked on through the forest, continuing his directionless journey.

 

[Doelago]

This is fuck`n brilliant man! :laugh: Have some rep!

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Chapter 4... Fartalicious

The dim light of the early morning sun crept across the landscape and woods, illuminating ever so lightly the ground and trees. Aetius was disturbed and woken up by this, only to be aware of how far he actually traved. Surprised, he was at the edge of the massive forest where the great rolling foothills, rivers and mountains finally came into clear sight. This warmed his heart knowing that he finally escaped the slight claustrophobic woods in which he was thrown into. Eager to press on, he got up and started down the hill over towards a nearby river for a much needed drink. The fresh water never tasted so good in his life, for he was forced to be without such a commodity for an entire day. He drank until he was full and with forward planning, he filled his canteen with the precious water.

Walking for some time, the sun finally showed itself in full bloom. It was about mid morning as he guessed, for all forms of electronics on him were either destroyed or out of energy. Still direction-less, he decided that there must be some form of civilization somewhere. He was about to go over the next hill till he heard a voice that sounded like it came from over the other side. It sounded like that of a small female child. With caution, he slowly crept up the hill and peered over through the thick grass, only to see a small girl picking up dandelions and wildflowers while singing a very familiar song:

The winds of fortune
Don´t blow the same
She had to get out
And make a change
She had a kid now
But much too young
Their baby daddy's
Out having fun

He's sayin' 'Now I´m on a roll
With all the girls I know'
His baby mama
She aint so slow
He's sayin' 'Now I´m on a roll
With all the girls I know'
I know you wanna Hit That
I know you wanna Hit That, Hit That

All of the world is getting with i say
Consequences are a lot for me
That´s the way
That´s the way things go

Aetius thought to himself that he should just go over the hill and not worry a thing. Every situation he had been in has had some sort of magical luck that saved him from death. If it is another case like this, then he bet he could squeeze his way out of it again. Aetius stood up and moved on down the hill. At first the girl didn't notice anything, but when she turned around she froze. Aetius did the same thing. It wasn't a little girl... well... human girl. It was a small eldar girl, looking about the age of seven or eight. She stood their, switching between looking at him and her bouquet of flowers.

Just when things seemed to go down hill again, the unimaginable happened: the little girl skipped towards him with a big friendly smile on her face.

"Would you like some flowers?" She said cheerfully as she held them up to him.

Aetius was flat out baffeled. He stared into her puppy dog eyes as she held up the variety of wild flowers. Every stranger that he met so far had been a complete dick to him, but for the first time, he was greeted with kindness.

"Sure... I would love to have some flowers." He said, returning with a cheerful smile while being somewhat cautious.

She was elated. She picked out some pretty violet tulips and placed them in his hands. Aetius too was quiet happy about this aswell... Finally, someone who wasn't a douche bag. Though he felt warm with this little gift, he felt like he should also give something back just to be polite. He reached into his pack to see if he could find something that would be some-what nice. It was a miracle; he found a small Snickers bar. He showed it to her and slowly handed it down.

"Heres... Uh... a candy bar..." He said politely

The look on her face was priceless. She looked at it with such marvel that it looked like it was a divine gift from the gods.

"For... for... for me... a Snickers?" She said, quivering with excitment.

"Yep. Its all yours." He smiled.

She took it slowly from him, and held it like it was divine artifact that glowed with light. She slowly unwrapped it and started to eat it, savoring every bite. Aetius sat down watching her enjoy what seemed to be a treat of epic porportions.

"So little girl, whats your name?" Aetius slowly asked.

With chocolate and peanuts smeared all over here mouth, she said "Ishtail."

Before he could say another word she continued "Im from the craftyword of Beel-tan."

She finished her treat and without Aetius even suspecting, she gave him a big hug.

"Your da nicest and best person ever! Your my bestest friend!" She happily squeled.

In a strange way, those were the best words that Aetius have ever recieved unto him.

"Uh... why thank you!" He replied.

She went around played with the flowers of bit. He was honestly baffeled by all of this. Such kindness and hospitality is so strange in this grimdark universe, its like finding gold in the middle of a desert. Ishtail returned back with more dandelions and flowers in her hands and started to place them around Aetius's head like he was some sort of fairy princess. He had no idea what came over him, but he had to ask:

"So... why are you out here? Arn't you supposed to be at home or something on your craftworld?"

She stopped dancing around him and looked at him again but this time something heavy in her heart. Her happy face turned into a slightly disgrunteled look.

"I left because they were too mean to me. They hurt my feelings alot with their tofu and mean words... And I never wanna go back!" she said as she stomped her foot in frusteration.

Aetius for once had sympathy with what the Imperium called the enemy. He could agree that the eldar lived very austere lives that seem completely unfit for children. He was supposed to hate her, but yet, felt sorry for her instead. Within a moment she started to cy, sniffiling and teary, she fell straigh into Aetius's arms. All he could do is hold her as she sobbed and cried about her un-fun life back at the craftworld. Aetius gave words of comfort and patted her on the back, soothing and calming her down. She slipped away and stared at him.

"Why are you here mister?" She said oh so innocently.

"Well" began Aetius "I was sent here to fight against the orks. My squad died in combat and I escaped out to here... with no where to go... just moving to somewhere to get off of this planet..."

She changed from sad to excited in a second after hearing that.

"We can take the weby way!"

"Wait... what?"

"Yes!" she squeled "We can get off of here and go somewhere else through the weby way!.. it would be like... *gasps* an adventure!!! I wana go on an adventure!!!"

He never thought of this... She was her ticket off of this planet.

"So where is it?" he asked.

"Thatta way" She pointed.

As soon as he stood up, Ishtail jumped on his back piggy back style. She giggled with excitment and she pointed the way in which Aetius followed.

"Whats your name mister?" She asked as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Aetius."

"Thats a silly name!"




Its been eight hours since they left the flower patch, still pressing forward to what seemed to be a non-existent goal. While he was tired and thirsty, Ishtail skipped along happily without a problem. The green grass turned into a thick and dense grass that made progress incredibly slow and tiresome.

"How much longer is it Ishtail?" Aetius asked.

"Its over that hill all they way over there!" She pointed.

Another five miles it looked like that needed to be traversed. But instead of stopping to rest, Aetius gathered all that was left in him and strolled on forward. However, their journey was interrupted by the wailing, yelling, and noise of guns going off somewhere in the distance. They both were stopped by this. Aetius turned to his right only to find billows of smoke comming over the ridge followed by noises of war. Both of them were purplexed by this new phenomenom. Within several minutes, their question was answered: the orks were back. They came rolling down the hill in their trucks, squiggoths, and other various vehicals. But something was different. They could see that the tops of the massive war machines were covered in gold and strange weaponry. The squiggoths had massive amounts of colored gems and gold on their backs along with parts and pieces to anctient and powerful equipment. Yet, it was undeniable of what they heard from the chanting and yelling. They all sang about treasure and dakka.

"Wow... they actually did find the made up treasure... that was completely unexpected..." Aetius said surprised.

"I want treasure too!!" Ishtail cried.

"I believe that you cant have any... unless you want to ask them... but you would most likely die in the attempt." He chuckled.

"Thats not fair!" Ishtail said as she folded her arms in jelousy.

"You can have all of the treasure you want if you come back home sweetie..." Said a familiar voice.

They turned around slowly to find a familar crowd again from last night: the banshee and her little search party. She stood their once again with a pretentious pose trying to make herself look more intimidating.

"How long have you had this child in you captivity mon'keigh?!" She said to Aetius with the usual heronie attitude.

"She followed me here-"

The banshee drew her blade and had it pointed at his chest. With her other hand she signaled to Ishtail to come over.

"Dont worry, he wont hurt you anymore with his dirty inferior hands" she said soothingly.

"NO! Hes my friend! You guys are mean and smelly... and... and... poopy heads!" Ishtail yelled back.

"I see that this pathetic human has tainted your precious mind, I gue-"

Aetius broke her mid sentance. He had enough with her puesdo-intelligent insults.

"Oh just shut the hell up you souless flat-chested ginger! You keep talking all big and shit and yet you get nothing done! You might as well have explained the reason why they call you banshees; their bitches thats what!"

Enraged, she lifted her blade in the air to smite him but was neturalized by Ishtail.

"FALCON PUNCH!!!" She screamed as she threw a punch straight into the banshee's groin.

The banshee fell to her knees with her hands grasping in the groin area, overcomed with horrible pain. With this small frame of time, Aetius grabbed Ishtail and hauled ass towards the web way in the distance.

"Come... back... here... ah never mind, there too far away to chase them." Muttered one of the guardians, to dam lazy to chase after them.



They were out of their sight now. Gasping for air, Aetius fell to his knees and pulled out his canteen to drink. He watched as Ishtail activated the web gate infront of them. He watched in amazement as the gate lit up and opened its door that was veiled with a purple energy like haze. Ishtail grabbed his hand and they walked through. Several flashes of light raced before him before they were in the web way. He stopped and looked with utter amazement.
"Wow... the web way looks exactly like Grand Central Station... never would of expected that."

The Eldar Web Way​

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Here is unglorious Chapter Five!!

They walked into what seemed to be the center of the web way. All around them were massive signs that showed destinations and their given times of departure and arrival. When one ride was complete, the sign would spin its cards to unveil a new ride for a future crowed. Aetius watched as various eldar were walking to and fro between terminals that lead to all sorts of places in the galaxy. He snapped out of this marvel and began to follow Ishtail down to what it seemed to be a large toll-booth. There in the retro style of an 19th century booth, an eldar warlock sat their asleep in his chair. The two stood their for a moment waiting for warlock to wake up. They waited some more without any results, until Aetius wacked the ornate metal mesh that seperated him from the warlock.

"UH!!? I mean! Welcome to the web way! How may I help you?" the warlock said as jolted up from his nap.

"Uh, yeah... we need two tickets to a place thats really close to a human population, perferably Imperium held territory" Aetius asked.

"For a adult and child? That would be 45$... wait a minute... Your not an eldar! You better move out, or i'll call security!" Threatend the warlock.

"Heres an extra five bucks if you shut up about this..." Aetius threw on the counter.

"Okay then! Here are you two tickets! Have a nice day!"

Aetius and Ishtail passed through security and moved towards their gate. There tickets read that they were at gate BB-1882, but according to the signs that gate did not exist. Not wanting to blow his cover, Aetius told Ishtail for directions to their gate. She returned with an escort, saying that the gate they wanted hasn't been open for hundred of years, but it still was active. Their escort directed them to their gate, heading down a long and deep corridor. At the very end was a dusty and rusted web way gate for which it looked like that no one used for ages. Nevertheless, their escort opened the portal. The flash of purple light blazed once more as they headed through, swirling and mixing until they reached their end. They arrived in what it seemed to be an alley of some sort. Aetius looked around, anaylizing the city scape around him.

"Wow... I cant believe it... were on Caulderon!"



Caulderon is best described as the middle point between a hive world and a civilized world. Massive cities dot the planet but life there was not an existence of toil like other hive cities. Home to metropolitan areas as well as ghettos, Caulderon is one of the more 'brighter' places to stay or visit. Aetius was about to step out of the ally until he realized that Ishatil was an eldar child, not a human. He turned around, thinking of a way that would best blend her into the populace.

"Hmmm... I wonder what I can do to make you look a bit more human here..." Aetius muttered to himself.

Istail looked at him with fear, now completely severed from her people and completely lost on what is about to happen next, she started to tremble.

"Hold still Ishtail... this wont hurt a bit..." Aetius said as he pulled a small pin off of his bag.

With those words Ishtail began to sweat with fear, for a saying like that always means something unpleasent. She closed her eyes, fearing for something horrible to happen.

"All done."

She looked at her chest, seeing that he put the imperial symbol above her left breast.

"Dont worry, just tell them that your my neice, and with that symbol, no one will touch you." Aetius said with a smile of comfort.

"Aetius?"

"Yeah?"

"Im hungry..." Ishtail said as she pointed with her eyes towards her stomach.

"Yeah, me too... lets find some place to eat."

Both of them walked into the husteling and busteling sidewalk, navigating and moving through the crowds. Aetius had very little memory of this place since he was a child, but familiar landmarks helped him make points of references to where everything is. As they reached to the end of the block, a threat loomed right behind him.

"Excuse me sir!"

Aetius and Ishtail turned around to see a tall steel clad woman dazzeled with seals and signums, gleaming with extream indimidation. She held in one hand a big thick book that branished a large steel skull on the front, and in the other a flanged mace.

"Excuse me sir, as the duty of the Adeptus Arbites, I need to check your ID, for it seems that you have not been checked in on this planet system. All non-residents need to check in before any buisness is conducted." She firmly said.

Aetius pulled out his wallet and got out his imperial guard ID and personal ID. Ishtail stood there staring at her in complete fear. After she finished the process, the officer looked down at Ishtail. She felt like that her stare was piercing straight into her soul as she was finding out that she was a xeno, not a human. Ishtail quiverd even more when the imposing officer bent down to look at her eye to eye.

"She.. is an adorable little girl!" The officer smiled "she reminds me of my sister's twins! I dare say she looks just as cute as them! Who is this little princess?"

"She is my brothers daughter. Charming little girl, very talented too." Aetius lied.

"That is very cute! Well then, you take care and my the Emperor watch over you!" She said as she trotted off.

The two watched in relief as the officer walked out of their view.

"Well, that went well."

Ishtail looked at Aetius with a very scared and timid look.

"You see, I told you that no one would hurt or touch you."

Aetius grabbed her hand and they began walking to the next block. It was a little later till they found a decent pub that served lunch. They both sat down in their booth as they waited for their server. Everything seemed to be going for the better until Aetius ordered a beer.

"What would you guys like to drink?" The server mumbled.

Aetius darted back at the menu "I would like to have a bottle of Imperium's Finest and she would like to have... some water."

"Imperium's Finest? THAT DRINK IS FOR *******!" Boomed a voice across the room.

Aetius looked at the waiter in asking on who was the man responsible for breaking the peace. His answer was cut short when he heard large heavy foot steps comming towards his booth. The clash of silverwear and bottles insured that the perpatrator's presence was know to them as he continued his way to the booth. They both turned their heads slowly to look upon a rare and impressive sight. Infront of him stood a grey knight of the ordo malleus. The great warrior sat down and pushed Aetius towards the end of the booth.

"Here is some real shit!" He roared as he slammed a bottle of a murky alcohol in front of him.

Aetius could not deny such a wonderful gift from such a great warrior. He grabbed the bottle and began drinkig it, only to spit out his first taste.

"What the fuck is this shit?!" Aetius cried in disgust.

"Its alcohol for real men! 1% water, 99% alcohol, the way that was ment to be done bitch!" the mountainous warrior said.

Aetius and Ishtail watched as the knight chugged the massive drink in one gulp, finishing it off by eating the bottle. He celebrated his drink by delievering a massive belch, spewing his foul breath across the table.

"Hey! You wanna know a secret that the Imperium does not want you to know?!" the giant whispered to Aetius.

"What?"

"All of the Dark Angels are flamming butt humping ******* thats what. They try to act all fucking straight, but instead they butt-hump each other in the back of their rhinos! But the reason why no one really believes it is because the jews that control the media are telling the populace that their straight! Suprising isn't?"

Aetius had lost all respect for this great warrior after that incrediably homophobic and racist statement. In fact, he noticed that his armor wasn't all that clean, and that the supposed Liber Daemonicum that was supposed to be straped to his shoulder was replaced by a Play Boy magazine. He also had no stormbolter, no force weapon and reeked of booze. This man was a mess.

"So what are you two's names?" the knight asked while pointing at the two.

"My name is Ishtail!"

"...And Im Aetius"

"Aetius" the knight muttered "what a gay ass name."

"And Yours?"

"Oh, its Brutacus."

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

So Im going to put it this way, Im going to finish this massive story. I honestly dont give a shit if no one reads it or not. Im just writing this for people who are tired of reading bolter porn and just want something different. I know its not the top notch quaility like all the other people have on here, but in anycase its something for fun. Rep it if you want, I just have a passion for humor and parodies.

Chapter Sexy... I mean Six


They watched as Brutacus chugged another vodka before he spoke.

"God that is some dam good shit. Ok, so whats a beaten wimpy guardsmen and a retarded little eldar child doing here in this ditch called a pub?"

"How do you know that Ishtail is an eldar? I mean, I knew she was but I thought the imperial symbol would blend her-"

"Look here, 99.9% of the population in the Imperium are dumbasses. Fuck, even the Inquisition are dumber than you think. But unlike them, I can tell."

"Well than, how can you tell unlike the others?" Aetius said with a smirk.

"Well" Brutacus began "First off I can see her soulstone on her chest. Second, the pointy ears. Third, her gay ass clothing. Fourth, I have a... natural xeno radar sense... you know, like a gaydar, but less useful."

"A xeno radar?.." Said Aetius skepticly

"Dont believe me?! Watch this then!"

Brutacus got up from the booth and headed over to the booth across the otherside of the room.There sat a lonely suspicious man, drinking his ale and eating his sandwhich minding his own buisness. Brutacus grabbed the poor man and flung him onto the ground with full force.

"¿Cuál es tu hombre problema?!" The poor man screamed in pain.

"See, a foul dirty xeno! I was right!" Brutacus roared.

"You asshole, Mexicans are not xenos!!" Said Aetius appalled.

"What? Arn't xenos people that are not white?"

"No stupid! Xenos are creatures that are not human! Not anyone who is not white!.. Just... Just get back over here before you humiliate yourself again." Notioned Aetius.

The massive warrior sat back down and continued with his binge. With now fresh food on the table in front of them, they began to eat quietly.

"So what are two odd people like you doing down here in this shit hole?" Spoke Brutacus.

Aetius finished his plate and began "Well... I was part of the invasion on Tarvos against the orks. I was sent in a back assault which it went haywire, everyone died but me, escaped with Ishtail because she didn't want to go back home, so we hitched a ride in the web way and now were are here... What about you?"

"Ahhh fuck... Well, I've been on exile for about one hundred and twenty years so far... drinking, fighting, drinking, arguing, drinking and desecrateing... you know, they usual stuff that drunken super overpowered space warriors do... but far more awesome... like this one I fought a dragon with my dic-"

Brutacus was interrupted when the bar door was smashed open followed by the sounds of anger. The symphony of curse words and insults flowed in as three space marines stepped into the pub, wearing all yellow with strips of red on the trim. But the most reconizable feature was that all of them had the distinct frony face on their right pauldron. They roared through the pub punching and swearing the civillians inside until they came to their booth.

"Hey, look at these *******!!" Yelled one of the marines.

"Fucking shit ass cunts they look retarded!!" Said another one.

It was undeniable on who these offenders were: they were the Angry Marines. They continued to heckle them until one of them spoke out.

"Okay you teenage angst fuckers. Get your prissy yellow ass faces out of here before I rape all of you with this hand!" Brutacus threatened as he held his fist up.

"FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!" Screamed one of the marines as he threw Brutacus's vodka on the ground.

Aetius and Ishtail watched the bottle fall as like time slowed down to a crawling pace. They watched as the bottle began to shatter into hundred of pieces with the precious booze spilling in every direction, somehow getting the feeling that this was going to turn ugly really fast.

"No one... No one... Fucks with me and alcohol... no one..." Brutacus threatened as he slowly spilled out those words.

Aetius knew the message: things were going to get ugly fast. He grabbed Ishtail by the hand as they slowly slid of of their seats and headed out the door onto the sidewalk. As the got onto the pavement, sounds of violence and discord erupted. Stools breaking, windows smashing, booths ripped apart, everything that could be destroyed was heard in the pub as a brawl raged on. The screams of civillians and marines alike sundered out onto the sidewalk. As fast as it started, it ended. Aetius and Ishtail slowly walked back into the pub, only to look on nothing more than complete descruction. Every civillian was either impaled, decapitated, mutilated or ripped apart. The Angry Marines, however, suffered a far more humilating end. One of them had its head shoved into its rectum, while the other two were only seen with their legs sticking out of the wall as the rest of their body was submerged in the actual structure of the building. Yet, Brutacus sat at what was left of their booth, with a new bottle of vodka in his hand, drinking it like nothing ever happened.



"So what are you queermos going to do now?"

Aetius sighed "Well... we are completely directionless honestly. Umm... So yeah, we have nowhere to go."

"I dont wanna go back home" Ishtail reminded them.

"Okay... So let me put this into prospective. You have with you right here an eldar child from a very powerful craftworld. You following me here? You also have her on a semi-hive world, human populated which is a given... So think about it. You have the wrath of a craftworld after your ass along with the insane hatred of the inquisition if they find this out... So basicly your fucked in two different ways right now."

"Well thanks for making this better for me" Aetius said sarcasticly.

Brutacus was right. Aetius and Ishtail had nowhere to go. There is no place for him to dump her off to be raised in good care and there is no place for him to stay without being called a traitor... if they find out.

"Well, I will see you fuckers later!" Brutacus cheerfully said as he turned his heel and began to walk down the block.

They watched as the grey knight shoved and pushed people out of his way down the street. But then an idea came to Aetius.

"Brutacus! Come back here for a sec!"

The giant continued down the street, ignoring his cries.

"We got some Jack Daniels here!"

Brutacus froze. He turned his head to see Aetius waving a bottle of whiskey in his hand, urging him to come back. Within a heart beat, the massive warrior was infront of them again.

"Ok, what is it?... it better be worth my god dam time..."

"Do you know any exodite worlds around this segmentum?"

Brutucus stopped his induglence on the whiskey for a moment to think of any know locations.

"I do know of one... but its across the otherside of this segmentum... why?" He asked suspiciously.

"Because we can take Ishtail here, drop her off their with her kindred, and that would solve the eldar problem... and if we dont get caught with the inquisition, then I will be clean of any suspicion and I will be free!" Said Aetius like he was some sort of genius.

"Then whats my end of the deal?"

Aetius pulled out two more bottles of Jack Daniels.

"You get to have these two bottles of one of a kind rare edition Jack Daniels from M31!"

"DEAL!" yelled Brutacus as he grabbed the two bottles out of his hand. "But first... we need a ship!... and I know where to get one!"



I was about an hour later till they arrived to what it looked like to be a VIP space port. They followed the grey knight around the docks as he was looking for some special ship of some sort.

"AH! Here's a good ship. Its got a very stable and easy to use warp drive, a mini fridge, good engine, one hell of a kick ass tv!"

"Dude... Thats a private ordo hereticus ship... We cant use that, and besides... that requires a crew." Said Aetius.

"Fuck them and their pointy hats and lame ass weapons, we can use this! Beside, these fuckers got a built in auto piolet and only takes in a crew of four... why do you worry so much? Im a grey knight for Emperor's sake!"

Brutucus smashed the window next to the door and unlocked it from the inside out. As he was about to step in, he was called out.

"WHAT IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME IS THIS?!" Screamed a man behind.

They turned around to see the owner of the ship. Of all of the inquisitors this was owned by, it was owned by Tyrus. Aetius watched in horror as the massive force of law stormed up to them.

"You better have a thousand good reasons why you are breaking into my ship! My personal ship!!"

"We dont see your name on it." Aetius calmly replied.

"It belongs to the inquisition, and is used under my name! I dont need a name on it!" He snarled.

"But you said it was your personal private ship... but then you said its part of the inquisition. So its not your ship, its the inquisition's ship." Aetius rebuttled.

"SO??!!!"

"So... Why are you complaining about us taking a ship thats not technically yours."

Tyrus's face turned bright red "But I am part of the inquisition, so I have full access to any of the inquisition's ships, so its technically mine as well!!!"

"But I am also part of the inquisition... so this is techinically my ship as well" Brutacus slowly replied.

"Well... Uhh... I mean!!..." Tyrus stuttered as he tried to come with a logical rubuttle.

"So we both technically own and share this ship. But seeing that I got here first... and Aetius has the keys, were going to be using this ship... So too bad."

Tyrus looked around his pocket to find that his keys were gone. Defeated by his own logic, he raged forwar with his sword out, only to smash onto the side of the ship as it was pulling out. He screamed and yelled at Ishtailed as she made funny faces by pressing her face against the window towards him.

"Aetius, hand me another beer... Its gonna be a long ass ride."

 

[ClassyRaptor]

Suitably Fuckng Epic, nice webway :grin:

 

[snarst]

This needs to be a book. Preferably with pictures. :grin:

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Im honestly glad that some people actually enjoy this. Thank you.

Chapter Seven... Not Approved by Carl Sagan.

They have been in space for about a day now. Before they left, they were completely unaware that the ship's warp drive was over-heated, thus needed to cool down before their next jump. So in the mean time they decided to take some down time and relax. For the first time in over a year, Aetius finnally got his chance to check his email and various other social networks.

"What are you doing?"

"Oh, hey Ishtail... Im checking out my old forum account on this website... so far nothing really new is happened... just getting in an argument with this guy right now about cars..."

Ishtail pushed over a chair to get a closer look at the screen. She watched him type his response in the text box.

"How many reputation points do you have?"

Aetius turned around, suprised at such a thing that she would ask, especially on something completely alien to her.

"Uhhh... fifty two..."

"How many does he have?"

"He has about... nine hundred and forty two... Why is this important?"

Ishtail face palmed herself and sighed in dissapointment. She pointed to the screen:

"Hes got more points, you cant argue against him. Its a rule that if he has more points than you, he will always win the argument or conversation! Thats a big rule about forums."

Aetius was now realizing that his argument against this unknown opponet was deteriorating at incrediable speeds. His responder was calling him a troll, ******, stupid and uninformed.

"He also has several awards and a high-lighted name, that makes him more powerful!" She continued to teach.

Aetius watched as his reputation points went from fifty two to twenty eight. Personal messages were being spammed about how stupid and annoying he was and threats about being banned. Disgruntled, he logged off.

"You see? You couldn't win against him, he was too powerful. Even though the reputaiton system is a bag of poop, is has more power online!"

"How the holy fuck do you know this stuff?" Aetius said suprised.

The little girl took the laptop from him. She logged onto a website named Heresy Online. There, she showed Aetius her account.

"What the fuck?! You have one thousand and four hundred repuation points and eight awards?! How the hell did you do that?!"

She moved onto what appeard to the be art forum. From that she showed him her art thread.

"They really like my finger painting!" She smiled.

Aetius walked off disgruntled. He headed over to the back quarters where Brutacus was watching tv on the couth, already having beer bottles and food scrapes made place on the floor.

"What are you watching?"

"Shut up! Its motherfucking Carnifex week bitch! Fucking awesome..." He said with another chuge of his brandy.

Aetius stared at the tv, only seeing continuous clips of people being eaten, devoured, and mutilated by massive Carnifexes. Bored and tired, he headed over to the kitchen to see whats left of the food.

"Wow... what a shitty supply" he said dissapointed "Lets see here... RC Cola? Nah... Western Family cereal? We dont even have any milk... Screw this, Im going to take a nap."




"Hey asshole! Get up, I made something special for dinner!"

Aetius rolled out of bed, groggy but well refreshed. He made his way to the small dinning area, only to be greeted by a wonderful smell.

"Brutacus... what in the Emperor's name did you make?... it smells delicious!" Aetius said as the smell of the food sent him into new heights of ecstasy.

"Nothing special, just rum battered deep fried steak with a whisky based gravy, served with whats left smothered in a beer-ale based sauce."

"So you telling me this is made with every single type of booze?... nevermind, it tastes great." Aetius replied as they munched down on their food.

The rest of the evening they spent around the tv, watching the show "Man vs. Food: Imperium Edition". All was quiet until an ineviatble question was brought up.

"So Brutacus... how did you get sent on exile from the Grey Knights? I mean, if you dont want to answer thats ok..."

Brutacus sighed but sat straight up on the couch "Well... Its a long story so mabey for-"

"I WANA HEAR A STORY!!!" Screamed Ishtail in excitment.

"No! I said I will save it for later and when I feel like it!"

Ishtail stared at Brutacus, deploying a secret tactic that none of them were prepared for.

"What... what what are you doing? Stop it!" Brutacus said as he stared down into Ishtail's puppy dog eyes.

He lips started to quiver as her eyes started to dialate, looking more irresitably cute.

"STOP IT!! I dont want to tell it!"

She started to sniffle and let out a single tear that ran down her face.

"FINE THEN!!! I'LL TELL!! Just stop being so fucking dam cute and adorable..."

"Yeaaahhh!!! Story time!!!" Ishtail victoriously said.

"Ok ok... So I was put out on exile for numerous reasons. One of them was my love for alcohol, for you see, the ordo did not smile kindly upon bottles and jugs laying all over the place, plus the occasional vomit stain. Uh, the second one was that I called the grand master a dirty lazy bastard, but I was let off of that one because I was fucking wasted like no one's buisness. The third one was with my girlfriend, which your not supposed to have because they want you to be gay... I mean... think about it. All space marine chapters are just massive sausage feasts!! Not a pussy in sight! Thats completely unreasonable if you ask me! Anyhow, I also took a dump on the coffin of the grand master down in the crypts of The Temple of The Emperor. It was especially messy too, for you see, we had enchilada's the night before... and boy did that one leave a mark on that golden tomb!"

Aetius stared at him with his jaw hanging open "You are one fucked up bastard..."

"Why thank you! Im quiet proud of it actually and the-"

He was cut off mid sentance when a massive buzz when off. Several dome lights above the tv turned on, followed by an intercome noise that signaled that warp drive was ready for use.

"Sweet, lets get this thing rolling here!" Aetius said with excitment.

The three of them headed towards the pilot room, sitting on their respective chairs infront of various controls. Aetius was sitting in the middle holding onto the steering controls, Brutacus on the controls for the warp drive and Ishtail on the various ticks and buttons that are in reality, useless.

"Ok, so get this thing fired up Brutacus..." Aetius said as he held onto the controls.

Brutacus flipped the switch and pressed several buttons. The ship shook violently as the warp drive was preparing for their jump. Looking with awe, they watched the ship generate a small rip in into the warp in front of them. All of them held on tight as the ship plunged head first into the wormhole. The entire thing shook violently as they twisted and turned through the chaotic dimension.

"Brutacus, didn't you say that this thing had warp stabelizers on it?!"

"Uhhh... its one of these buttons here... I think..."

While they both were frantically trying to find the stabilizer on the controls, Ishtail took their frenzy in a different way.

"BUTTON PUSHING TIME!!!" She screamed playfully as she randomly pushed buttons, pulled levers and twisted knobs.

The ship excellerated even faster as she pressed more buttons. To make matters worse, they entered into demon territory. Furries and creatures began to attack their ship as they screamed through the warp, blocking their vision through their windsheild.

"Brutacus! Take the handle! I'll settle with these demons!" Aetius screamed.

"But Im the demon expert here!"

"Take the wheel! The reason why I'll do it is because your too dam lazy!"

"You gotta point there..."

Brutacus grabbed hold of the steering and controls as Aetius opened the side window. With a broom stick in his hand, he prodded and pushed off the demons that were smeared on the windsheild.

"Hey, I can see now Aetius!"

Aetius pulled in his head and rolled up his window. He looked now to see that their ship was at ramming speed aimed directly towards the ground. The ground was comming closer and they had no way to pull up; They were officiall doomed. Just about as they thought they were done for, their ship was stopped by a large green object. With a massive explosion of puss, the ship was caught and crash landed onto the ground safely.

"Is everyone ok here?!"

Brutacus and Ishtailed grumbled to show their sign that they were ok. The door exploded off as they stepped outside onto the ground. They walked out to survey the land around them: dead, desolate and barren. Aetius turned around to see what thing softened their crash landing that saved them. He looked upon a mangled Great Unclean One, with half of it's body dragged over a huge distance with their ship smashed into its fat stomach.

"Man that is one porky demon..." Ishtail said, stunned at the demonic blob of puss.

"Well... lets try to fix this dam ship before we get our souls eaten."

 

[arturslv]

one of the best stories I have read! Keep on writing, I really wish to see how will it turn out!

 

[dandan1350]

Have some mother fucking rep! mexicans as aliens and grey knights shitting on people ha!!

 

[ThatOtherGuy]

Actually I plan having some pictures thrown in, but they will be only the characters. I might just make a link to the art section and make a threat about em.

I was thinking of posting this in the compition, but seeing how its a tad too long and too much fun, I didn't :grin: