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40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Story I wrote. enjoy. I've posted more (incase you hadn't noticed). Please comment. Oh and if you can't be bothered reading the whole thing just read the 4th post-its cool enough to read by itself. By the way I ended up changing their vehcle to a valkyrie transport from a vulture gunship (the gunship woz too small :))

Three suns beat down on the dry sand of Uranthis III. Fire-beetles slowly crawled over the few ruins of broken statues and pillars that stuck through the dull landscape. These were the some of the only remanants of humanity who had long since abandoned hope of populating the planet. Red clouds made of some unknown acid floated above the land and life forms on the planet lived peacefully unaware of the battle going on not too far from their planet.

* * * * *

The battle was hopeless. Luitenant Kayther had known it from the start.

The Furensis 16th had been patrolling the Eastern rim of their system. Kayther had just got back to the main part of the army as a Luitenant after completing a series of special operations missions in the Medusa system. He had trained in the art of anti-armour in many ways and his training was most helpful in ridding the system of tau troops. But disaster struck as soon as he returned when a huge ork battleship warpspaced right next to the Furensis 16th cruiser (Riteous Justice) and instantly opened fire with its battlecannons. They had been supposed to return to their planet to help with the war against the cult of desecration but with a destroyed landing matrix after the first wave of ork fire and a massive battleship firing rockets into their ship they decided to warp-jump away.

The orks pursued them closely through the warp drifts and after a while the imperials realised that the orks were gaining on them. After about 120 lightyears of travel they left warpspace to the Uranthis system. It was a nearly inhospitable system having three stars and radiation everywhere. The imperials bet was that the orks badly built battleship wouldn't follow.

They had forgotten how stubbourn orks were.

The next thing the The Furensis 16th knew they were trapped in a colossal firefight. Now Luitenant Kayther and his squad were sitting in a the barracks praying to the emporer for help.

<Pressure break on Starbourd fire chamber floor 18>

Vox casters rattled as another explosion shook the ground. Broadside guns let loose on the ork battleship as the imperial guard hopelessly faught for their lives.

'Aluvate Oramus Dotanus Aluvate Oramus Dotanus Aluvate Oramus Dotanus' repeated a squad member chanting to the emperor for help. More ork rockets hit their ship and it shook violently throwing many of the men in the barracks to the iron ground. The fight had been going on for some time now and Kayther's nerves were being tested. He could swear he could hear the sceams of dead and dying on the many decks of the cruiser.

'I'm tired of this.' spoke Luitenant Kayther 'The Riteous Justice is doomed but we will escape. Come on men. We're getting off this ship.' The men were reluctant to comply but after a short while of convincing Kayther had his men ready to become deserters. They walked down dark steel corridors, some brightened by the flames of ork destruction as the firefight dragged on.

<ork boarders on starbourd deck twelve>

The luitenant sped up. He knew it wouldn't be long before the orks reached the escape pod bay. Opening the next door ahead he came into a wide chamber filled with weapons. Kayther could hear gunshots to his left.
'Come on men, quickly.' he ordered while picking his way through one of the armouries of the ship. After walking through a few more corridors he found the central shaft. A huge corridor running right through the middle of the ship. There was utter chaos. Men were running everywhere. Some trying to escape the orks who had began to storm the starbourd side of the Riteous Justice. Others were trying to reclaim what had been taken but the battle was obviously lost. The vox casters rattled on and Kayther had to concentrate to get through. Soon though the Luitenant and his squad made their way out.

Finally they arrived at the escape pod bay.'Men I am sorry but if your on this ship you will go down with it. Please return to your barracks or join the boarding Teams.' said a well-armed guard with a huge bolter at the ready. Another rocket hit the ship causing the whole ship to shudder madly. A few men fell over and Kayther felt his stomach churn as the artificial gravity malfunctioned. 'Are you sure we can't convince you?' asked the Luitenant.

The guard seemed to think about it ,'and betray the god emperor? Definetly not.'

'Alright then.' said Kayther who pulled out his laspistol and blew the guards head off,'Lets get off this ship men.' They walked into an escape pod which seemed to be a space marine drop pod too unsafe for space marine use...but perfect for imperial guard. The luitenant figured out the control pad before firing up the engines. 'We should land in Uranthis III.' he yelled over the din of engines. Then he pressed the launch button.

The whole squad closed their eyes as the pod shuddered madly, leaving the Riteous justice for good. They were hoping their wouldn't be a particularly watchful ork who would set the pod alight. But that ork didn't come and they escaped the firefight.

'so long Furensis 16th'

* * * * *

A six legged bright orange lizard had made the first catch of the day. Using its keen eyes it had sighted out a sunspider before using its long tongue to swollow it whole. It tasted good the lizard was happy. Then there came a strange noise from the sky. The sky was roaring. The lizard looked up to see a black shape that got bigger and bigger and-

With a massive crash the escape pod landed and its four walls folded out to reveal Luitenant Kayther and his squad.

'Did anyone bring their imperial guard survival handbook?'

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 · (Edited)
The marines looked at each other and checked their pockets. Soon all of them were shaking their heads.

'Well you lot are bloody hopeless aren't you... Emperor, those suns are hot aren't they. Lets see if we can find shelter somewhere.'

The Luitenant got out his self adjusting gravity compass and chose a direction-South. The rest of the squad followed closely behind. They trodded through the hot sun walking as fast as they could to get out of the horrible heat.

Minutes passed. They seemed like centurys.

'I'm starting to wish we had stayed up on the ship and died instead of having to try and survive on this emperor forsaken place.' said Khoren, a tall, thin white haired man who was one of the more negative members of the squad.
'Quiet soldier! Thats no way to think. We escaped those orks and thats all that matters.'
snapped the luitenant but secretly he was beginning to think the same.

The suns bet down strong as ever and the more time they spent walking the hotter it seemed to get until Kayther couldn't bear it any more and let the squad have a rest. Covered with sweat the men dropped to the ground. One of the more burly members-Jrake sat down before he let out a low pitched yelp then started firing at the ground madly.

'what is it Jrake?' asked Kayther. Khoren laughed. The other men stood back.

'Beetles! Little bastards burnt me! Look they're all over the place and they shoot fire out of their bloody heads!' yelled the muscly private still shooting at the ground.

'Come on lets get moving.' ordered Kayther.The men reluctantly began moving back Southwards, Slowly walking down the endless sheet of nothingness that stretched to the horizon. Once again the minutes passed by and the suns endlessly floated above their heads taunting them with painful heat.


The ranger watched the humans slowly walk through the desert. They had little hope of survival and posed no threat to the eldar. Luthern and the eldar back in his shrouded settlement were much more worried about the ork battleship floating above Uranthis III. He watched the guardsmen out of interest but still very intently. He drew out his contactor and alerted the other eldar about the surviving humans...

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Next installment. Keep reading i'll post alot more.

Four hours later, half of Kaythers men lay dead in the sands of the god forsaken planet and they could still find no shelter. In all Kayther's training in the Furensis special forces he had hardly ever delt with desert survival training. This was probably because he was being trained for war against the tau in the hives of Medusa but now that kind of training would be very helpful. The luitenant did what he could to keep moving South but the heat would soon claim him. He grabbed his radio hoping that other guardsmen would have escaped the massive firefight above Uranthis III.

'This is Luitenant Kayther we are in desperate need of pickup. Half my squad is dead and we can find no shelter from the sun.'

He waited for a reply and just when he was about to give up hope it came. 'This is Seargent Forther of the 3rd platoon. We also escaped. There are still a few hundred men in our regiment left alive and many are in the same situation as you. We are in a transport and will be able to pick you up. What are your coordinates.'

Kayther then gave Forther the coordinates of his position then ordered his men to hold their position in the sands.

A few minutes later he was flying in a valkyrie transport 500m above the sands of the planet with two other squads. 'Our best bet is to head to the poles of this planet where it is coolest. The South pole is closer and the jungle in that region is thicker to hide from the orks.' said Forther to Kayther.

'The orks looking for us?!' asked the luitenant.
'Yes they landed their ship after sending the Riteous Justice into this rock. Now they are searching the planet for us, destroying anything in their way.' replied Forther.
'So we are hopelessly trapped on a planet outside of the Western rim with thousands of orks chasing after us no chance of escape.'
'Until we can regroup, yes. But if we can organise a force in the Southern Jungle then we may be able to salvage our ship and escape from this hellhole.'


Luthern watched the humans fly away in the transport then realised thet if they organised themselves they could be quite a threat to the eldar. But he had more worries-orks had already swarmed most of the planet and he knew if these intruders got into what was once the huge imperial cathedral of Saints then all manner of hell would break loose.

On the horizon his sharp eyes picked out dark shapes. The orks were coming. Luthern new he must stop them lest they cut too close to his base and destroy it. If the eldar were wiped from the planet there would be nothing to stop the humans and orks from getting to the cathedral of saints.


Kayther looked out of the windows on the front of the space craft to see trees. They were getting closer to the jungle. He still felt bad about his half dead squad and his situation but the luitenant was pleased that they might finally have something to drink.

At that moment of happyness a rocket hit the ship. An ork party had seen them.

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
The valkyrie transport shook madly and made a noise somewhere between a groan and a scream as metal plates rubbed together into each other. Luitenant Kayther's stomach muscles clenched as the ship slowly began to plummet towards the ground.

'COME ON GET THE ENGINES BACK ONLINE!' he screamed to the pilot who was slamming his fists into the controls. 'I can't-theres been a break in the fuel tank and half our fuel is gone!'
'SO USE THE OTHER HALF' the luitenant yelled back then looked at the rusty altitude gage-300m and rapidly dropping.
'I maybe able to fire up the auxilarys. Hold on men.'
Kayther watched the altitude gage as the pilot did what he could.


'Wait for it' said pilot playing with the throttle and switching some of the switches.


The engines let out a soft chugging sound. The ship still managed to glide through the air.


The pilot hit some more controls. The engines made a revving sound.


'COME ON' yelled Kayther.

The engines started up.
They slowly began to make more noise.
They fired up and the pilot pushed the throttle as far as he could.
The men closed their eyes.

'Whe're away again!' yelled Seargent Forther and the men cheered. The pilot had finally got the auxillary engines online and they were flying smoothly along 30m from the desert sand.

This, of course,was before the second rocket hit them.

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
This time there was no saving the ship. The valkyrie transport barrel rolled away from where the rocket hit before landing upside down on the sand.


It was horrendus. Kayther could hear groans from the other men as he slowly sat up. It took alot of effort and when he looked around him, he saw that many of the men would not be leaving the ship, if not in a stretcher. The Luitenant eventually managed to stand up and saw a few of the others were concious and alert.
'Luitenant! We must ready ourselves and these other men! The orks will not leave us alone for long.' said Seargent Forther before Kayther picked up his laspistol and chainsword from what was the roof of the ship. It now served as the floor.

The only ways out were through the cockpit and in a door at the back of the ship which had to be opened from the main controls (which were now useless) so they'd have to blow their way out. Forther had his lasgun armed and was standing by the back of the ship. He took some explosives from one of the pockets of his overalls.'I found these in the war against the cult of desecration. They are imbued with holy power'
said the seargent before he attatched them to the back of the ship.


The explosion blew a hole in the back of the valkyrie and woke many of the unconcious men. Kayther walked through the hole in the back of the craft with Forther close behind. Then he saw them. Four trukks. Not far away. Filled to the brim with orks and speeding towards the ship. The vehcles were horribly built, just like anything made by the green xenos and covered with guns...


'Back inside!' yelled Kayther as huge ork tracer bullets hit the ground just infront of his feet. He and the seargent threw themselves back into the ship.
'Kayther we can't hide in here! They'll just throw in stikkbombs!'
'Blast the emperor your right! We need to escape some how though!'
'But how?!'
At that moment Jrake stepped in. 'Sir we'll use the smoke grenades built into the ship. I'll be able to improvise a launcher and I'll send them into the orks then we'll just wait for them to crash.'
'That will take care of nearly all of them! Jrake you're smarter than you look. Alright men grab those smoke grenades in the side compartments. On the double! You, pass me your lasgun. I'm gonna need something long-ranged and accurate.'
The men began to carry out Kaythers orders with the sound of ork engines growing slowly louder. Forther went to the side port of the transport and grabbed a heavy bolter, taking it off its stand then slamming the ammo belt into it. He fired a round into the ground with a huge BANG!.

Then he smiled.

'Seargent. Follow me!' ordered Kayther before leaping out of the ship with the gun pressed hard against his shoulder and his right eye clear down the sight. He began firing round after round of las from the gun one of his troops had given him. Two orks were dead by the time Forther was outside. After some more shots the orks began to retaliate. The officers ran back to the cover of one of the ships gunports, ork tracer bullets hitting the sand right behind thei ankles.

While Forther sent round after round of heavy bolter fire at the orks Kayther was getting ready for something slightly more subtle. He closed his eyes 'The gun is an extension of your body...' he spoke softly. Bullets rammed against the gunport. 'The Emperor guides you...'
'Luitenant what are you doing!' yelled Forther over the dim of gun fire.
'The enemy's death is destiny.' A bullet grazed Forthers arm. He clenched his teeth in agony.

Kayther stood up.
Fired one shot.
Hit his mark.

The driver he had hit fell backwards in its seat and the vehcle it drove began swerving madly before slamming into another trukk. Chaos ensued. The explosion was huge. So was the noise it made. The orks caught up in it were vapourised.

'Emperor be praised. Where did you learn that?' asked the seargent, eyes wide.
'Some of us listened during light arms anti-tank training. Some of us excelled.' came Kaythers reply. Then it was his turn to smile.

There were two ork trukks left and Forther had ran out of ammo. That was when Jrake stepped out of the ship with Smoke grenades loaded into an improvised launcher. He fired them both. They hit both trucks and as the orks were blinded the rest of the guardsmen stepped out of the valkyrie. They then opened fire at the two columns of smoke coming towards them. One of the columns stopped. The other kept moving forward. Infact it seemed to speed up! The orks wanted victory no matter what the cost.

'Get away from the ship!' yelled Kayther and the men leapt away from the ship as the Trukk slammed into the valkyrie. Both burst into flames and the men cheered as the trukk was destroyed. The smoke finally cleared and the surviving orks retreated into the distance.

Then Luitenant Kayther saw how near the jungle was. He also realised how thirsty he was.


The humans were good soldiers. They had wiped out a force of orks almost double their numbers. Luthern had just single handidly faught another force of orks sending them running away in terror. The ranger had then followed the humans just in time to see the smoke bombs hit the ork trukks. Their leader was not bad at his job and seemed to have an aura of trust around his troops. He reminded Luthern of Autarch Nabel.

Luthern then got a transmission from the Autarch warning how close the orks were getting to the Cathedral of saints. He had his long rifle ready and trained on the humans' leader but chose not to fire. The humans may have been a threat but the eldar were desperate to kill the orks and would settle for any ally.

Even the humans.

280 Posts
Forther had his lasgun armed and was standing by the back of the ship. He took some explosives from one of the pockets of his overalls.
'I found these in the war against the cult of desecration before I was sent to Furensis VII against the alien infestation. We had just took the chamber of saint Toreth in hive Ominous. Me and my squad were bloody and scarred by then. I found these hiding behind Saint Toreths statue when Cultists killed the rest of my squad. They are empowered by the most holy waters in the Furensis system and have served me well.'
said the seargent before he attatched them to the back of the ship.
They didn't just try opening the door first? It'd make sense to try before blasting the thing to kingdom come.

It now served as the floor and was bent and dinted from the crash landing.
Second part of that sentence is a bit obvious, they just got hit by a piece of ordnance and had a severe crash after all. Perhaps consider combining the first part of the sentence with the one before.

The vehcles were strange. They seemed to be each be made out of ten other machines. It took a while for Kayther to work out why they had so many protusions. Guns.
Are these guys totally inexperienced at fighting Orks? Because any Guardsman worth his salt would probably have that figured out by now.

'Jesus your right!'
You should consider the fact that that's heresy in the Imperium. I think you should rewrite that.

Then the smoke bombs went off. All at once they made enough smoke that the hole ship was invisible. 'Open fire men!' roared Forther and the men began blasting at the orks who were disorganised and had no idea where the guardsmen were shooting from. The green xenos soon began to drive away in retreat.

Hang on, how the hell does that work? Sure, the Orks can't see where they guardsmen are exactly, but the same applies to the Guardsmen, they can't see the Orks, hence are firing totally blind. If anything that'd make the Orks happier and they'd charge in with less casualties. Not to mention nothing is stopping them from tossing in stikk bombz as mentioned earlier.

There's also the issue of the Valkyrie filling with smoke and choking the guardsmen and generally causing a mess. IMO think this out again, alot.

Kayther looked above the gunport. It took alot of bravery with the amount of bullets flying over them. He remembered back to his light arms anti tank training then narrowed his eyes and brought his gun over the gunport. Aiming carefully and breathing calmly he let loose one shot One of the drivers fell backwards. Its vehcle madly turning before ramming into another one of the ork vehcles causing massive chaos.
At the relative high speed Orks like to cruise around in, that's a pretty damn insane shot. I'd suggest expanding on the training business, not only to make the feat more believable, but to make the story more interesting. At the moment you've been "telling" more than "showing". Rather than telling the reader that Kayther did this training, show it by writing something, something like Kaythor mutter a mantra for things he learned such as "Breathe calm, aim for torso, lead slightly."

IMO by practicing showing, not telling your stories will improve.

Other issue is that the speech of characters switches between very formal, to informal, and back again. They're in the middle of a warzone, and I really doubt it's the time for lengthy talks and clever english. IMO you should rewrite a lot of the dialog. Where possible keep it short and sharp, these guys are worried about getting fragged here, not that they might fail some exam.

Otherwise, keep up the goodwork.

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
God I hadn't noticed much of that. must have been too in the writers zone. Thanks for the constructive criticism triumph of man. Ive redone alot of the story but not much of the diologue. See what you think

keep reading good people

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Part 6

Autarch Nabel was armed to the teeth and swarmed with orks. He now knew how unwise he had been earlier. This was perhaps the worst course of action for the situation in hand. The orks, since their arrival on Uranthis IV, had spread like a plague on the planet. The Autarch had decided on an agressive course of action against the orks. He had beleived that the only way to defend the cathedral of saints was to cut huge swathes through the ork population that were coming too close to it. This had only attracted more of them and hundreds of orks were rushing towards the battlefield getting ever so close to the cathedral.

Now three orks had leapt onto his body armour, trying their best to rip Nabel to shreds. He drew out his blade. It was called Elthrin and had been blessed by Khaine more than once. Stabbing one ork before sending it into another he began hacking his way through the greenskins surrounding him. Meanwhile with his left hand he kept up a steady rate of fire blasting shuriken into the beasts.

It was not the kind of battlefield for the eldar-a huge pitched battle with hardly any cover or advantage points that Nabel could take. 'Striking scorpions reveal yourselves now! Take out the commanding orks. Warp spiders engage the dreadnaught! Now!' the Autarch yelled into his intercom letting Elthrin loose on a few more orks. Nabel looked back to see that most of his squad were lying dead in the sand of the desert. The purple tassels of the nearby dire avenger exarch seemed to glow in the desert sun as his unit fired its way into a nearby position.

'Commander!' yelled the nearby exarch while he launched shuriken into a nearby ork nob, 'The suncharger is online. Now quickly we must activate it!'
'No! We must knock out as many of the orks as we can without using the suncharger.' replied Nabel as he fired shards of metal from his mandiblasters into an orks head.
'But Nabel our troops are dying. If we do not use the suncharger now we are doomed.'
'Patience Orthal, these orks will not retreat even if we use the the great weapon of khaine. After the striking scorpions have taken out the ork leaders we will pull back and organise a defense which will leave the orks in full retreat.'

The Autarch then saw a position him and his squad were needed more. He activated his wings and the swooping hawks followed him as they began to fight against a strormboy squad who were slaughthering a group of rangers.


Kayther found himself relaxing in an old jungle Fortress which was used by imperial settlers on Uranthis IV to protect against a now dead species of alien. The fort had a huge amount to drink and Kayther was the happiest he'd been since the Furensis system. Forther had found the fort not long after they'd reached the jungle and was now in the library finding information about the planet.

Then Forther burst into the room. 'I've found a way out of this system!'

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Part 7

soz i havent bothered to write this earlier but i havent had the spare time.

Kayther turned to see the searent, his blue eyes wide and sweat dripping from his forhead. 'Quickly, you wouldn't believe what i just found,' said Forther beckoning for Kayther to follow him. The two passed through the ancient coridors of the fortress into the library, where a hologram of the planet glowed.

It showed the bright sand of the planet, covering all except the poles. Where a bright green was emitted by the ancient technology. There was more to it though than just the environment. The hologram showed all the imperial settlements which had existed before the planet had been abandoned.

'I managed to finally get this working, you never know when the machine god will smile at you, or laugh in your face. It shows the planet as it existed more than a millenia ago. Uranthis III used to house more than 20,000 citezens. Look, there right on the equator, its the ruins of a whole city and the most holy place on the planet: the cathedral of saints. The place where Marcus Alorius of the crusade of Kannius was christened. It's the only place on the planet which holds a spaceport. It's half buried so it'll have been protected from the elements but the ships housed there will be strong enough to break through the sand which covers them.' spoke the seargent, getting more and more excited.

'Wait, why don't we just salvage the riteous fury? You said it might work on our way here.' replied Luitenant Kayther, not as impressed as the seargent had hoped.

'I was right but i just got a transmission from some other survivors saying that the orks have already taken it. The cathedral is our only way out.'

'Alright, let the men ret for a few days then we will move out.. . .'

40 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 · (Edited)
Part 8

'Charge! Charge! Charge!' roured ork big mech Gohzog as he fired huge tracer bullets into nearby eldar. 'Deez eldar are so tiny I could squish 'em inbitween my li'le finger,' he then said displaying his massive claw to the other greenskins.

Gohzog had been fighting the eldar ever since he had decided to look for the humans on the equator. The more cunning bosses had chosen (wisely) to look for the Forensis 16th closer to the poles but as soon as he saw the other ork leaders taking their troops north or south he decided to look on the equator. So his troops leapt into their transport and set for Uranthis III and nearly as soon as they reached the ground a force of eldar attacked them. Now 5 hours later he was still fighting.

Gohzog grabbed another one of the howling banshees that harried his troops and ripped the eldar warrior in half. Then he began trodding through the masses of bodies towards the main line of eldar defence. bullets and shuriken wizzed passed him as the big mech activasted his kustom shield and began tearing away at the dire avengers that had shot down his burnaboyz.

'Oi boss!' yelled a gretchin from the back of a nearby nob, 'why's deez eldar fings killin' all our boyz if dey aint got 'alf the troops we 'ave?'

'Day is killin' our boyz coz our boyz is figh'in' like a bunch o' no braind gitz.' replied the boss angry at the gretchin before the nob the little creature was riding got hit by a shuriken cannon.

The boss then saw the leaders of the ork force get cut down by eldar striking scorpions. His eyes widened as he realised how strong eldar eldar were. 'Da Bosses is dead! Da Bosses is-'

The ork fell down unconcious after having the bullet from a ling rifle hit his kustom vox communicator, ramming it into his head.


Luthern smiled at his shot but was still unsure whether the ork was dead or not. He decided to ignore it, pointing the long, heavy rifle at his next target.

He had arrived there not long earlier after watching the humans enter the jungle down south. Luthern had then began on the way back towards the equator, meeting up with his squad and using one of the webway gates on the planet to get back. Soon Luthern, being the exarch of his squad ordered his troops onto a dune slightly higher than the rest of the battlefield. From there they had been taking shots at the ork commanders and their badly built vehicles. Now that Nabel's Striking scrorpions had taken out the leaders hecould finally find a better vantage point as the orks regrouped.

'Rangers, we must find a new vantage point quickly' he ordered the other troops before he got a transmission from the Autarch 'Luthern, pull back, we now must pull our troops out. I am going to activate the suncharger and bring the wrath to these orks that they deserve.' The transmission ended. Luthern turned to his troops,

'Change of plan.'
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