[Captain_Loken]

This is kind of an experiment, as I have usually written MTG themed stories, and I absolutely adore this setting. I decided to pull the trigger and this is just something I put together within the last hour or so.

I have written just a tidbit of the first chapter, and would love some constructive criticism so I can become a better writer!

CHAPTER 1​

Judas felt a tingle down his spine as he awoke from his hibernation. The vox speaker, located on his right side next to the door to the hallway chamber, spoke to him.

“Captain Judas, we have arrived at Condus X.”

“Thank you, sergeant.” He replied as he switched the vox speaker off. His head ached as the voices appeared once again. He put his helmet back on, it’s horned crown glowed in the dank, dark chamber that was his billet. I slept in my armor once again. He thought to himself. As the voices dissipated, he thanked his helmet which had been altered by the Tech Priests of Mars to cut telepathic connections from the outside world.

Judas knew the warp changed the normal man, but he was the opposite of a normal man. He was no mere mortal, yet he was no longer an Astartes. His brothers of the past had pushed him away because he was one of the many who disobeyed the Emperor’s edict about using psychic power. It didn’t matter to Judas, he had his own ship, the Angel of Destruction, and led a warband of degenerates who escaped the Great Crusade’s vengeance, almost ten thousand year earlier.

Judas knew he would have to leave the Great Eye eventually, however he didn’t want to. It was easier here. The demons he encountered were nothing but mere play things to him. He bound more than one of them to fight for him so his life was not in danger.

He looked down to his gauntleted hand that’s dark red color had faded over time. I have the power, why should I have to leave? He asked himself, but he knew the answer. His warband yearned to fight and he would give it to him, or they would crumble.

He opened the door to the hallway outside his billet and met Sergeant Kornah who was waiting for him. “Are you ready, my Lord?” Kornah asked, hesitation in his tone. Judas could hear Kornah’s thoughts, which told him that his second did not agree with his decision to leave the Eye.

“Yes, let us get to the command deck and begin our path outwards.” Judas’ black tabard swayed, beating against his legs as he walked, but he was used to it. It was heavily worn after these last millennia. He still wore the sigil of his old legion. Which he knew would no longer accept him. He didn’t want to change something he idolized for decades. It felt wrong.

They walked through the corridors of the Angel of Destruction, which had become a warship of the damned. The Great Eye changed his crew. While he still had many human slaves and mechanic servitors, his brothers had become much more than mere Astartes. They grew larger, some had tendrils of flesh growing where their arms should be, and some had no flesh there at all, but servos controlled mechanical arms.

As Judas passed billet by billet, he saw his brothers with their familiars, which had become troublesome to Judas as of late. They needed to feed, and he was running out of slaves to give them. He would need to return to the Eye so he could gather more human prey.

He shook the thought from his head as he had more pressing matters to deal with. His old brother Angeles had called to him through telepathic communication. He explained to Judas that he would have to find his way out of the Eye because of a brutal war about to be waged between the greater legions. Angeles’ warning had come just in time. As soon as his Astropath sparked to life, the greater legions came out of the warp to meet him. That experience had shook him.

Now they were out of the warp, and as Judas had entered the command deck, he could hear the servitors working vigorously to set the coordinates for the shuttles to take. He smiled wryly, and nodded to himself in acceptance.

“How long before we can launch the first shuttle?” He asked, and Kornah responded. “Less than an hour, Lord.”

“Very good, continue on.” Judas walked to his throne and sat awaiting confirmation. He was anxious to learn of the people on this planet. It had been so long since he had left the Eye, and he felt like he was leaving his home.

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[Captain_Loken]

I know it's not the greatest, but any pointers would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Myen'Tal]

Hey, Captain Loken, just finished reading your story. Honestly, I don't see much wrong with anything you have written. At least, that is what I can see. I think there may be a spelling mistake or two in there somewhere, but on the whole, I think it is written well. I think you are being overly critical of yourself :wink:.

 

[Captain_Loken]

I have had a question. If I were to submit to BL, do I have to use UK-English, or can I use American-English?

My autocorrect corrects it. Hah

 

[Myen'Tal]

I have had a question. If I were to submit to BL, do I have to use UK-English, or can I use American-English?

My autocorrect corrects it. Hah

That would be a question I would shoot to Dave T Hobbit or Serpion(I think I spelled his name right). They are the mods of the board, so they would probably have a much more informed answered than I do.

 

[Captain_Loken]

That would be a question I would shoot to Dave T Hobbit or Serpion(I think I spelled his name right). They are the mods of the board, so they would probably have a much more informed answered than I do.

Thanks a bunch. I well have an update later today. Keep your eyes peeled!

 

[Captain_Loken]

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Judas had just awoke from his meditation as alarm sirens were going off amongst the command deck. “What’s happening?” He asked as he rose to his feet, feeling his crozius still hooked to his combat belt.

“It’s an Astartes Praeses ship approaching us.” Replied Sergeant Kornah. “I’m not sure how they found us, but they’re here, my Lord.” A hint of fear in his tone, and Judas had to ask himself if Kornah was still dedicated to the cause.

“They found us because we left the Eye of Terror, sergeant. It’s their job. However, the will need a multitude of vessels to take us down. You,” he pointed to the servitor near the weapon control, “Prime the main lance cannon and prepare for a long distance volley.” Judas had returned to his throne and sat down with his hand holding his helmed head up. Grinning underneath his mask, he began to chuckle. This should prove to be quite fun, he thought to himself, but continued to concentrate on the display ahead of him.

“Lance cannon is primed, Lord.” The weapon servitor had said with the clicking of his servos controlling his larynx.

“Very good, once you have a locked target, fire.” Came the response from the calm, collected man. It sounded like Judas had done this a million times and this didn’t even faze him, yet he knew the Astartes Praeses were not to be taken lightly.

With that, the bright red lance fire streamed from the ship’s cannon. It struck the enemy ship with brute force and landed against the shielding. The Praeses’ ship’s shields began to waver as boarding crafts began to shoot from it. Judas noticed and grinned again. They are finally coming. Those few minutes seemed an eternity as he was so anxious for blood, but also to feed the demons on his ship.

Judas looked to Kornah and nodded, “Gather your team, and begin preparations for boarding.” Kornah simply responded with a nod and ran off out of the command deck and down the passageways to the staging area.

Once again, Judas rose to his feet and unlocked his crozius from his hip. He glanced on the viewing display once more as the boarding torpedoes got closer. Only a few more moments. He thought to himself and began pulling all of the warp energies around him and harness that energy into power, forming the spells he would need in this fight. He also grabbed a piece of papyrus parchment strung to his belt. The inscription written on it showed the symbols of an ancient demon. He was ready.

Incredible crashes sounded throughout the Angel of Destruction and as if in response Judas dashed from the command deck to the sound of the closest crash. He could see the Astartes entering his ship from the torpedoes in his mind’s eye. He could see the dark armor and dark tabards they wore. They all had the symbol of the skull and candle flame. The Night Watch.

As he arrived to the first boarding site, he was joined by a squad of four of his brothers. Their chain axes were firing fiercely in the commotion of the entering Night Watch. “I will place a spell, and you will begin your assault.” Judas said to the squad leader. With a nod, the squad leader began to form his team.

Judas brought the warp forth and let it flow through him. He could feel the rush of pure chaos energy flowing into his fingers as he began to conjure his first attack. The sight of the first Night Watch member in the darkness sparked the attack and that dark became light with the brightness of the Eye itself. Purple energy raged from his fingertips in his left hand as he rose his crozius in his right.

The thundering sound of the warp energy against the ceremite of the first Night Watch member. The sight of the decaying flesh inside of the armor of the Astartes that was no more than empty shell gave Judas’ men the inspiration to jump from the dark corners of the ship and into the narrow corridor. Sweeping strikes with the chain axes had bashed against the coming enemies. One of the Night Watch had been ready with his chainsword lifted in defense and teeth against teeth made the two grind to a halt.

The other was not so lucky. The chain axes cut cleanly through the opening in the armor of the Astartes. Gore rained down as Judas was watching his warped brother tear chunks of meat and bone from the nearly lifeless man. With a second push, the Night Watch soldier was in two pieces, cut from the left shoulder to the right hip.

The remaining Night Watch Astartes had enough time to raise his bolter and began shooting explosive shells on the traitor marine who had just recovered from the final push of his chain axe through the last felled warrior. The shells tore through his ceremite armor with little resistance and exploded inside of his flesh. Rotten blood oozed from the holes as Judas was looking on. He had already been prepared. His massive crozius came down in a hellish, brutal strike on top of the lone Night Watch. The blunt force crushed his head like a piece of fruit, and Judas could have sworn he heard the sound of squishing meat.

Judas wiped the blood from his crozius with a rag he had kept in a pouch on his belt. He didn’t like to stain the beautiful object of war. Just then he looked towards his fallen brother who had taken several bolt rounds to the chest plate. The twisted soul had been the squad leader he had spoken to only moments before. He clenched his teeth and looked towards one of the other team members. “Gather what supplies lay here. You will need it.”

He took his helmet off for a moment to grant the voices to appear. They guided him for moments when blood was spilled. He could hear the screaming of the soldiers on his ship. From his own men, to the men of the Night Watch. It was indiscriminate. As he found where the next boarding craft had hit, he put his helm back onto his head, letting his long hair flow underneath. He didn’t have time to worry about such trivial things as appearance. With a nod to the squad to follow, he took off into the darkness once more.


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[Captain_Loken]

I will have another update tomorrow! Stay alert!

 

[Captain_Loken]

*********************************


The screaming did not die down, which is what Judas wanted. The louder the screaming, the more it fed the Gods, but it also showed him where they were. The screaming amplified the auras that surrounded the soldiers. He could pin point individuals through that.

Grabbing the pauldron of the marine next to him, he shoved him forwards with a violent yank. “Get to the second loading dock. You will find another team of us and 7 Night Watch members. Hurry!” Judas yelled over the sound of clanking boots on the steel flooring. Clicking the vox link open he looked around and began to speak, “Sergeant Kornah, what is your report?”
Static came as a reply. Judas shook his head as he closed his eyes in concentration. He spread his mind’s eye out in an instant while he gathered the warp’s energies. It was harder now that he was out of the Eye, but he had trained for this for hundreds of years. Searching for his sergeant’s aura, the noise of gunfire spilled out from the loading dock in front of him. As he began to tune the noise out, he finally sensed Kornah’s aura faint in the command deck. In a blink of an eye, Judas took off running down the corridor towards the command deck.

Judas’ vox began to spark to life as he heard the sudden reports flooding his helmet. “My Lord, the shuttle that we sent planet side has come under enemy fire. We heard some distress in the last box transmission, but it’s been silence since. What are your orders?”

“Let’s take care of the problem on our ship first. I would much rather risk a handful of men then the entire ship. Continue efforts to reconnect communication, but if it is still silent then focus your resources on the enemy vessel.” Came the reply of the stern Lord of the Angel of Darkness. His head began to ache with the influx of thoughts running through his head. The warp energies felt as though they were drifting away. This cannot be. He pleaded with himself.

He soon came upon the team he had ordered forward with the others. They were still in the passageway. They never got the chance to get to the loading dock. The closest to Judas was sprawled against the steel wall that lined the passageway. He died in effort to put his exposed intestines back into the gaping hole in his ceremite armor’s midsection. The others with huge plasma burns that took off the soldier’s masks and sheared away their faces.

This was no mere Night Watchman. I must meet this creature that did this. Judas thought with an evil grin showing his sharpened teeth. With that, he sprang forward into the docking bay. The sound of bolter fire and chain weapons still loud in the bay, Judas came to his closest brother and jumped to the side of him and the enemy he was fighting. The Night Watch member glanced at him for a split second, which is all the time his brother needed to bring the chainsword down between the Astarte’s helm and pauldron. Blood sprayed from the soldier’s shoulder with immense pressure.

Judas readied his crozius in front of him and ran to the next Night Watch member and brought it down on him like a meteor falling upon a planet, ready to destroy it. Judas blinked and his heavy blow was stopped by huge sword radiating with lightning. He regained his composure and withdrew his strike. Looking to his new opponent, he grinned again.

“So, you are the one who freed the souls of my men in the passage, yes?” Judas said with a hint of arrogance in his voice. He glances at the warrior’s plasma pistol in his left hand and the power sword in his right, held to his waist.

“I am. I assume you are the commander here?” The huge Astartes asked. His terminator armor gleaming in the little light there was in the bay. Blood spatter and gore covered his chest plate. His dark tabard ripped from the top, and the waist is all that remained. “What is your name, traitor?”


Sorry for the smaller update, I have been quite busy today. I will make up for it with tomorrow's update!

I hope you guys enjoy, and as always, constructive criticism is welcome!