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Discussion Starter #1
hi there im new to this site
made a small fan story,hoping to get it bigger.
tell me any mistakes i made


The mining planet “lexius 14” a small world near the outskirts of the tau empire.
The planet recently started sending weak distress signals. Nothing had come from the planet until recently. The things coming from the planet were imperial ships, mainly small transports and shuttles. The ships were not heading anywhere and were not responding to transmissions, when the imperial ship “Divine Avenger” requested audience with the largest ship and no one replied, the crewmen and captain suspected heretic agents aboard. The Divine Avenger powered her weapons and prepared there boarding crews. The ghostly ship “small point” make no attempt to attack or move away it just continued to float on. The boarding parties entered the ship finding no resistance or any crew. All they got was a small tapping noise of the vox links. The crew kept going forward still finding no one or any signs of a fight. All the men met at the steep winding stairs the control room. Slowly they crept up the stairs.

Sergeant Markus “ Blaster” Falklins had been to many worlds and fought many fights against the worst the galaxies could throw at a man, but nothing, nothing disturbed him more then this. Not knowing what they were up against or what happened to the crew. But he kept on going, such was his duty serving the Imperium of man and the god Emperor.

Owen Blunt private 1st class shouldn’t really of been here but he had volunteered to go with the boarders and Sarge Falklins had let him tag along with him. But know he wished he had stayed on board, he was scared straight and didn’t know what to do. His vox piece wasn’t working either it was just tapping and didn’t seem to turn of. What Private Blunt didn’t was that his vox was turned of. And the taping grew louder.

The 2 boarding parties reached the blast door at the top of the stairs. 3 of the men moved up to the door.
The two covering the door carried combat shotguns, devastating in the small ship corridors, the other a small autogun. He hit the door seal.
 

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umm a couple of things, first of all, no offence but it seems very bland, not fruitful and descriptive enough. There are a couple of typos but i dont mind them, although some of the sentences i didnt understand
What Private Blunt didn’t was that his vox was turned of.
i really didnt understand that. And you need to make it a bit longer, you made a cliffhanger way too early in the story, a short story isnt THAT short. It should be roughly 2 or 3 pages of a paperback novel.

EDIT: welcome to HO :D
 

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I'm sure he meant "What private Blunt didn't know was his vox was turned off."

:smile: He just missed know out and an F by accident, i do it alot to when i type fast and think to far ahead.
 

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sorry if i seemed to abrupt or rude, i just didnt understand
 

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Discussion Starter #5
thanks guys
i know it could be longer and it is very bland, but it was something to get the writting juices flowing
 
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