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961 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Post your Warhammer 40k jokes here. Hers some i have made (most ov them involve the chaos gods) sorry if there is already a joke post..

What would Kharn the Betrayer do for a Klondike bar? First, ask yourself this: What has he already done without one?
There is a High School reunion and Khorne approaches Nurgle. "Hey what have you been up to?"

"Not much. Just still spreading my stuff hahaha. You?"

"Oh just slaughtering entire worlds. Same old, same old. Hey look, there's Slaanesh."

(Slaanesh walks in with a leather jacket on with girls on both sides ov him)
"Dudes...I am so ****** up right now!"

"Hey look there's Tzeentch! Hey! What have you been up to all these years?"

(Tzeentch is on hs knees holding a pile ov sand in his hands crying)
Khorne, Nurgle, and Slaanesh all come home from the beach)
"I am so sandy! I hate the beach!"

(Tzeentch) The Beach? Try the Desert!"
Kharn is a lawyer defending his client. He begins talking when his opponent says, "Objection your honor." (kharn)-I WILL ******* KILL YOU!!! SHUT UP!

961 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Here's another one. There is an award cerimony for every character in warhammer. Tzeentch feels confident that he will win the Know-It-All award. "And the winner ov the Know-It-All award goes to... Baron Spikey.

Premium Member
1,548 Posts
Which Eldar is best at bowling?
Striking Scorpions

What do you call a vegetarian Tyranid?
A Corn-ifex

What kind of mail does Khorne send?

Whats the similarity between a vuvuzela and an Ultramarine?
They both screw up peoples games because everybody plays them!

6,727 Posts
I must admit I agree. I don't see why I have to pay for that 3 pages of the magazine, and I wish they made WD a bit cheaper, got rid of Standard Bearer for something actually USEFUL, (like... well, like anything that's not a catalogue. Like scenery from toilet roll tubes!) and then finally at UK Games Day, revealed (with much ceremony) JJ's head on a silver platter.


12 Posts
Wanna see something interesting? Put a Tech-Priest and a Feral Worlder in a room and ask them to define the word "Efficiency".

Nectar of the Gods!
55 Posts
How many Chaos Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather screw in a blacklight

How many Tau does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Don't know, they keep failing their leadership and running away from it

How many Imperial Guard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who needs a lightbulb when they already carry flashlights?


961 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
What if the Chaos Gods had a meeting with Abaddon?

"You know, this just isn't working out?"

"What? Why not?"

"well look at your last match. Your k/d spread is in the negative. We had to keep respawning you."

"That's not fair! I was playing with a bunch of Alpha Legion warriors and they all just mysteriously quit!"

"Look at the player above you-look at his score. Look at all those kills!"

"NO! That's Kharn, they were ALL betrayals!

584 Posts
The Emperor: Hmmm, how about this:

They shall be my finest warriors, these men who give of themselves to me. Like clay I shall mould them and in the furnace of war forge them. They will be of iron will and steely muscle. In great armour shall I clad them and with the mightiest guns will they be armed. They will be untouched by plague or disease, no sickness will blight them. They will have tactics, strategies and machines such that no foe can best them in battle.
They ar-​

Scribe: Uhh...

The Emperor: What? Don't you like it?

Scribe: It's great, just... "tactics" and "strategies" such that "no foe may best them?"

The Emperor: What about it?

Scribe: It's just, sir, that among the potential recruits of people who want to be Space Marines, the vast majority are dullards who can't form a single original opinion or decision. All they want to do is be the strongest and best.

The Emperor: Hmm... you're right, I'll adjust a little:

...they will have armor saves, special rules and codex updates such that no thinking is required.
They are my cash cows for Games Workshop.
They are the Blue Smurfs of Death.
They are my ULTREHMEHRUHNS, and they shall know no originality.​

Scribe: ...Perfect.

PS: I don't have anything against Space Marines, I've made peace with their too-frequent updates, and I don't hate everyone who plays them. (I have Imperial Fists myself.) This is more a protest against the sort of unsubtle person who plays Ultramarines simply because they're called the best Space Marine chapter.

119 Posts
Ha shampawnya good on :L i like the space marine one too :D

101 Uses for a Lasgun
Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants

So whats with these Torches? What do you mean there guns?!

Radio of Colonal:
Careful of the mine feild, the Co-ords are *Crackly Radio interuption*

"Why is my gun just a cardboard mock up?"

"I cant get in that chimera, its already on fire!"

"What do you mean take cover behind the bodies of the 423rd? We're the 423rd?"

"So what does this artillery locator beacon do?"

"When our moto says "Nobody walks away" Does it refer to them or us?"

"How can 9 minutes be an intensive training course?"

"You want me to put on this flak jacket? But theres a hole in it, and the hole is stained with blood!"

"When you say that the 422nd brought us fresh supplies of food, did you mean the 422nd were our fresh supply of food?"


"Holy poo! these really are flashlights!"

"Hey, we have the same Inititive as the Salamanders, we can beat 'em!"

"Flashlight..Warmer..Cigarette lighter...Stun...Hey!..Where's the kill setting on this Lasgun??"

"Why are they giving out Oven Mits with those Plasma guns?.."

"Join the army they say, see the many worlds they say, I'd rather be working in the kitchen than earning my pay shining lights at Khorne Berserkers.."

"Why can't we fire before the artillery?..We are the Elites damn'it, we are the glory boys, the ones who get the spiffy targeters.."

"Hey..Isn't that OUR Leman Russ?..Then why does it have that funny star on the front?"

-"Forget THIS! *sound of las-pistol hitting the ground* Come on guys! FOR KHORN!"
Or better... *Sound of a liqour bottle being opened* "For Slannesh!"
Or maybe even... Sound of projectile vomiting "FOR NURGLE!"

Aha! Get that spotlight over on them, if our flashlights can kill, then it must be a template weapon!!!

"What does 'victory' mean?"

I love guard really :D
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