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Cruel Commissar
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Foreword written by the most honored Lord Commissar Martin McKing.

In this issue we will discuss the varying items you can execute the infidels, cultists, mutants, heretics, traitors, cultists, lunatics, madmen, damaged goods, delinquents, morons, idiots, imbeciles, people you don't like, people you like, other people, charlatans, loners, handicapped people (one tip don't push them down if wheelchaired, they can't do much but flop around then and not get on their knees), other people and Xenos.

Weapons. Well you have the beloved bolter and the more whimsical laspistol, but you also have more interesting ways to kill the aforementioned scum.

Laspistol.
- Pros: Clean, ammunition-conserving, quick-firing.
- Cons: Whimsical, unimpressive, dull, no loud bang, the weapon of a coward. Design in general lacks hammer so difficult to get everyones attention.

Bolt Pistol.
- Pros: Makes a lot of mess when executing aforementioned scum, makes a lot of noise when executing aforementioned scum. Always great to see the expressions at the faces of the aforementioned scum when you execute them with bolt pistol as the remains of their former friend is raining down. Design in general has easily and loudly cooked hammer.
- Cons. Ammunition-consuming, can't really come up with anything else.

Plasma Pistol.
- Pros: You get to watch the faces of the friends of aforementioned scum as you melt him with a superheated bolt of plasma. Bright light makes it hard to close the eyes and not see the scene.
- Cons: You might be blown up instead if the weapon is heretically inclined. Ammunition-consuming.

Meltagun.
- Pros: Makes for an excellent tool of execution as you leave aforementioned scum as bubbling goo on the tarmac to the horror of friends of aforementioned scum. Bright light makes the execution good even if the friends of aforementioned scum close their eyes. Doesn't suddenly become heretical and decide to turn you into bubbling goo instead of aforementioned scum.
- Cons: Ammunition is meant for beating tanks, not aforementioned scum.

Longlas.
- Pros: You can kill aforementioned scum from a great distance and snipe them in places you really don't want to be shot.
- Cons: Whimsical weapon that leaves little to fear. No mess. Clumsy to execute with at close range.

Chainsword.
- Pros: A man's weapon as the mess you create is truly great even if you go for a simple beheading, though I prefer splitting a person open from brain to balls just to scare friends of aforementioned scum. Emits a pleasant howl as you tear aforementioned scum apart.
Cons: Fuel-consuming.

Powersword.
-Pros: You can run it around inside aforementioned scum watching him or her fall apart infront of friends of aforementioned scum.
- Cons: Must be used correctly in order to ensure a messy execution.

Powerfist.
- Lovely way to execute aforementioned scum, one punch and him or her insides have showered their friends with their blood and guts.
- Cons: ???

Run over by tracked vehicle.
- Pros: Nice to see the blood and guts from aforementioned scum at the tracks and track-marks.
- Cons: Consumes fuel, not much of a visual effect.

Heavy Bolter or Autocannon.
- Pros: Fun way to make aforementioned scum blow up, but his or her friends also must be aforementioned scum or ammunition is wasted.
- Cons: Ammunition-consuming.

Lascannon and Multimedia.
- Pros: Fun way to deal with a heretic or aforementioned scum as a mighty beam of light evaporate and purifies them.
- Cons: Not much left afterwards, maybe a bit ammunition-consuming, some commissars has told me it's overkill.

Artillery-barrage and bombing-run.
- Pros: Great against aforementioned scum who are aforementioned scum enmasse. You might get aforementioned scum's bodies to leap into the air providing a fearsome and messy display for their friends when and after they die due to impacts from the shells and bombs.
- Cons: Not so great against a single target, especially if you are within scant feet of aforementioned scum. Ammunition-consuming.

Vortex-rocket.
- Pros: You suck aforementioned scum into the Warp.
- Cons: You suck aforementioned scum into the Warp. They are extremely hard to come by.

Catapult.
- Pros: Gives the engineering-team a pleasant challenge to build one. It's fun I mean the sound of aforementioned scum getting launched to the air is fun I mean terrifying for friends of aforementioned scum. Loaded with explosives you can lob aforementioned scum against the enemy utilizing aforementioned scum as a weapon against the enemy.
- Cons: Unfortunately impractical to employ, if not I would recommend every commissar to be toting a catapult with them. The wimps of the engineering-team say they are hard to build.

Conclusions: The bolt pistol is the best weapon to use as they blast aforementioned scum to pieces infront of their friends though laspistols work as well if you are a wimp or running low on ammunition though I recommend powerfist instead.

Sincerely Martin McKing.
 

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Cruel Commissar
Joined
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856 Posts
Discussion Starter #3 (Edited)
Yeah, it seems to lack a bit polish and finesse, I should maybe look closer to it, but then again writing comedy is not pandering to my strengths as a writer as I have proved a few times already.

Maybe spicing up the language with holy and such words would help (helped a lot with commissar Ionza but then again she tends to use it with regards to psykers), or even exchanging aforementioned scum as I sought to not take a page from John Fuklaw. I don't know, it seems too forced to be funny actually. I thought it sounded great in my head, but it came across as derpy and boring instead (after reading it in hindsight) capturing more the mind of an Eversor than a commissar to be honest.
 
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