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My leigon, the grey leigon has quite an interesting background, it goes like so...

Damiax, an interesting boy. He was different. He could make purple blotches replace peoples faces. He didn't know why he just could. One day when he was at school..."Damiax!' a voice yelled. "Damiax, get here, the emperor needs you!" Damiax turned and gasped. An Ultramarine! Talking to him! "Your a psyker Damiax, the emperor needs people like you to keep him alive." The class gasped. Suddenly Damiax's eyes turned red, pure hate and anger rushed through him. "Death to the false Emperor!" he yelled. The other students reeled over vomiting torrents of ooze.:puke:. Damiax just laughed. He lifted his right arm up, it was no longer an arm but a giant claw! With a desicive blow he decapited the teacher's head. The Space Marine reached for his Boltgun but Damiax extended his right hand and a purple lash flew out from his hand and brang the boltgun to his hand. The Space Marine tried to call for reinforcements, but Damiax had already killed him. :shok:.

The ground shook and suddenly the room was filled with explosions as Space Marines exited their drop pods and opened fire. Damiax extended his hands and a purple square force field leapt out to defend him (2+ save 2+Inv save 2+Feel No Pain +2 Cover Save, all with re-rolls). They stayed like that fore 30 seconds. Damiax was no longer amused with this show of weakness. He pushed hard on the force field and it wizzed across the room, vapourising anything it touched.

He looked up, eyes darting left to right, surveying the room. "I will purge you" Said a metallic voice. Damiax turned but it was to late, he was flung across the room by a swinging dreadnaught close combat weapon. He rolled to the side as a foot came down next to him, hard. He only managed to bring a forcefield up as another attack came down. Damiax did a 180 pencil roll followed by a handstand. He faced his assailant, the blue hull was staring him down. "I know" Damiax mocked "i'll challenge your corpde-God to a staring competition" he giggled. The dreadnaught swung at him with the barrel of a lasscannon but he ducked, rolled under its legs and popped up on the other side of the dreadnaught. He knocked loudly on the dreadnaughts armour "Anybody Home?" he asked leaping into the air as another dreadnaught close combat weapon swung at him. he landed gracefull ontop of the Dreadnaught and extended his hand. A light shone, first a sickly green, then a seductive blue followed by a deep purple and ended with a blood red. The light dissapeared and in the boys hand was a black sword, the dark red handles mouth gaping for blood. The blade glowing with a black auroa, he slammed his sword down into the dreadnaught. he leaped off just as it crashed to the floor and exploded. The sword dissapeared, his eyes went back to their scarlet blue, and his right arm returned to normal. His possesion ended. What to do now?

I will carry this on after a couple of days, once everbody has a chance to read, add rep and level Ballemoth up if you liked it so far! :biggrin:
 

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Grand Lord Munchkin
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Really no maybe to it.
 

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Grand Lord Munchkin
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You put it in the wrong spot. No worries, I reported it so a mod will move it for you.
 

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Moved it to homebrew for you, for the future keep in mind that the fluff you come up with should be put here.

Now lets look and see whats what with your Grey Legion

He could make purple blotches replace peoples faces.
Well that is certainly interesting

"Damiax, get here, the emperor needs you!" Damiax turned and gasped. An Ultramarine! Talking to him!
Seeing a space marine is not a common thing, quite the opposite actually; there are billions, if not trillions of worlds habited by humanity and there are only so many space marines spread across the galaxy. Why would a space marine be sent for this anyway? Surely a lesser agent of the Imperium could do it, like the local pdf coming to collect him, or inquisitorial stormtroopers or adeptus sororitas from the black ship that came to collect the young psyker.

"Your a psyker Damiax, the emperor needs people like you to keep him alive."
So no one else caught this? Or was Damiax just that good at keeping his potential hidden from the people around him?

The class gasped.
Wow, so they decided to do this in the presence of an entire room of other people? On most worlds, being informed you are a psyker is a bad thing; people in the Imperium from what I remember tend to fear those capable of manipulating the warp.

Suddenly Damiax's eyes turned red, pure hate and anger rushed through him. "Death to the false Emperor!" he yelled.
Wait what? Where did this come from? Why would an Emperor worshipping loyal citizen of the Imperium say that to one of its demi-god angels?

If Damiax was a psyker that could be of any use to anyone anti Imperium, they would keep him as a guarded secret. If he was loyal and everyone around him managed to miss the signs of latent psychic potential, why is he turning this way?


It just seem far to out of the blue and sudden, no reasoning or build up to hatred of the Emperor.

The Space Marine reached for his Boltgun but Damiax extended his right hand and a purple lash flew out from his hand and brang the boltgun to his hand. The Space Marine tried to call for reinforcements, but Damiax had already killed him.
I'm a bit at a loss over here, the space marine just stood there while Damiax killed the class and teacher, and only after everyone was dead did he, the superhuman warrior who has fought countless horror on god knows how many battlefields, went for his weapon (which was not drawn even though he was collecting an unregistered, untrained potential psyker.)


Not only that, but this psyker instantly sprouted mutations and was easily able to kill a space marine. Even though Damiax only just got his mutations and can't be all that powerful a psyker yet (and is most certainly not a better fighter at this time.)

The ground shook and suddenly the room was filled with explosions as Space Marines exited their drop pods and opened fire.
Didn't the marine not manage to call in reinforcements? How are they there mere moments later? Did they always intend on dropping into the middle of this school or something? Seems like a bit of a continuity error there.

Damiax extended his hands and a purple square force field leapt out to defend him (2+ save 2+Inv save 2+Feel No Pain +2 Cover Save, all with re-rolls).
Honestly, this is a kid who is just developing his powers, how is he able to do this with no training to speak of?

Damiax was no longer amused with this show of weakness. He pushed hard on the force field and it wizzed across the room, vapourising anything it touched.
If its just a forcefield, that would keep incoming rounds from penetrating, wouldn't forcing it outward wind up crushing anything between it and any wall or more solid matter that it came into contact with? (Though I am cure astartes power armour might be able to withstand a blow like that for the most part.)

Damiax turned but it was to late, he was flung across the room by a swinging dreadnaught close combat weapon.
Where did this suddenly come from? How did it avoid the whole forcefield thing? How did it, a hulking dreadnought, get so close without Damiax being aware of it? And seemingly all powerful psyker with magical mastery of his potential or not, how on earth did Damiax just survive getting smacked across what remains of the room by that thing?

He rolled to... ...weapon swung at him.
Wow

he landed gracefull ontop of the Dreadnaught and extended his hand. A light shone, first a sickly green, then a seductive blue followed by a deep purple and ended with a blood red. The light dissapeared and in the boys hand was a black sword, the dark red handles mouth gaping for blood. The blade glowing with a black auroa, he slammed his sword down into the dreadnaught.
For starters its a dreadnought, two or even three times the size of a space marine, thats roughly fifteen to twenty feet and Damiax managed to leap on it with no effort at all?

Then the blade, what one was just willed into the material plane or something? Unless the fabric of reality is thin, stuff from the warp tends to need a physical shell from the material realm in order to maintain a form. Thats why the possessed often form weapons from their bodies, as they are the only means of maintaining the forms of those weapons.


he leaped off just as it crashed to the floor and exploded. The sword dissapeared, his eyes went back to their scarlet blue, and his right arm returned to normal. His possesion ended. What to do now?
Possession doesn't just end, your soul is now essentially struggling for control of your body with a daemon.


I'm sorry atatjacob but thislooks more like you trying to post about some super-awesome kid who magically managed to manifest uber powers in order to kill off a group of Ultramarines.

I see nothing about any Grey Legion here, honestly not to much of anything at all.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Yes the space in the warp is thin there, he was a psyker, and seeming the warp is so thin one daemon from each god managed to posses him at the same time (chhessh this is just a story) and he had near undefeateable power, also the space marine was reeling in shock of what just happened, the dreadnaught came from behind so it avoided the force field, and there was a neighboring space marine fleet in orbit, the daemons started quarreling inside him so they left (semi-peacefully).

That was only the beggining 'cause he has yet to change into the daemon prince and so on...
 

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Disciple of Change
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@darkreever: I think I see what he was attempting to accomplish with the story blurb-He was showing the Legion Master's beginnings and then planned to move it forward after this initial part and feedback to start making the background of how he formed the Grey Legion, etc. While I personally would have explained more of the legion in this post, it wasn't too bad of an idea. A little editing prior to releasing it on the forums, and a little rethinking of some of the fluff, and I think he may have a good idea started

@atatjacob1: Re-read and revise. I can't stress that enough. While I agree it is a little crazy, its still entertaining and fun. Keep trying and keep working hard ^^
 

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Grand Lord Munchkin
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Yes the space in the warp is thin there, he was a psyker, and seeming the warp is so thin one daemon from each god managed to posses him at the same time (chhessh this is just a story) and he had near undefeateable power, also the space marine was reeling in shock of what just happened, the dreadnaught came from behind so it avoided the force field, and there was a neighboring space marine fleet in orbit, the daemons started quarreling inside him so they left (semi-peacefully).

That was only the beggining 'cause he has yet to change into the daemon prince and so on...
:shok: Why was an entire marine fleet there? WTF would an entire marine fleet just decide it was a good day for a drive? Why the hell are marines going to pick up a dangerous untrained psyker when that is the job for the black ships of the inquisition? WTF? All four gods? No. Simply no. The childs soul would be ripped apart and the body would contain 4 deamons waring for controle over a single host. Daemons don't calm, once they were done with the marines and the class they would simply move on to the next targets. Marines have a reaction time that makes the fastest human alive seam slow, they also have fought the most horrific creations this universe has ever seen.... They wouldn't be in shock and their weapons would be out. That child would be dead the second he said death and that's if the marines are having an off day.
 

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hey come on guys the kids only 11 give him a chance like papasmurf said with a bit of rewriting this could be good.
 

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for someone your age that's a good start, revise it a little and it'd be great! by the way, don't let the trolls bother you, every forum has 'em!:biggrin:
 

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Grand Lord Munchkin
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Oh, I know he is only 11 and it isn't horrid. He just needs to rewrite it so it makes sense. If I thought he couldn't do it I wouldn't be hard on him.
 

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@darkreever: I think I see what he was attempting to accomplish with the story blurb-He was showing the Legion Master's beginnings and then planned to move it forward after this initial part and feedback to start making the background of how he formed the Grey Legion, etc. While I personally would have explained more of the legion in this post, it wasn't too bad of an idea. A little editing prior to releasing it on the forums, and a little rethinking of some of the fluff, and I think he may have a good idea started
Well lets take a look at what we have:

-Somehow, the fabric of reality of that location or planet is so thin that things from the warp are able to manifest freely and without problem. Yet for some reason life seems to be going on as normal, even though a planet with reality that frayed would likely be under constant attack from warp creatures, and the attention of powerful Imperial organizations who focus on combating such things.

-Some child, just manifesting his powers, managed to garner the attention of all four gods and had them infuse him with powers or daemons of all four gods possessed him; four daemons all managed to possess the same body without tearing it apart and with no ill effects mind you.

-Witnessing the power of this child, a full fledged space marine who has seen countless horrors was struck dumb.

-The force field surrounding this kid magically manages to not be protecting his back side, just so the hulking monster that is a dreadnought can 'sneak' up and attack.

-A neighboring marine fleet just happened to be going by? What do these marines have nothing better to do than cruise around or do the work of other Imperial organizations?


Its one thing if your trying to come up with something good, I'm sorry but this does not read as such; not even as an attempt at all that much. That bit just looks like some kid trying to make some super-uber-awesome badass that can do anything, is seemingly one of the biggest threats to the Imperium who manages to run amuck doing what he wants to whatever he wants with no consequences to speak of.


If you are possessed by a daemon, they don't just up and leave you when they are done. They have you, your their way into this reality; a way for them to cause destruction or enact some will of their god. For most beings, possession ends with death of the host; only some of the most powerful beings, like space marines and heavily modified humans.
 

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true, but there are a lot nicer ways you could have said that.
 

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Sugarcoated or put bluntly, its still better than mindlessly praising bad work and not pointing anything out that could possibly do with improvements, seems off with the actual background of the medium being used, or doesn't make much sense.


If I started off telling a story about a polar bear and then randomly switched off to some super-awesome badass tiger only to have an army of evil penguins show up from out of the blue with no explanation; I would rather one person be honest and tell me that what I just wrote was bad, didn't make sense, or needs a lot of work and spots where things stand out the most over one hundred people praising what I just wrote with no real criticism to add.



By the way, are you honestly implying that people in this thread who are not praising this as good work given the age of the poster are trolls? If not, then who are you implying are trolls in this thread and why exactly do you think they are; I would really like to know what you think constitutes a troll.
 

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are you alright, you've been bang'n everybodies fluff pretty hard today!
 

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Grand Lord Munchkin
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This fluff is poor. The other stuff didn't make any sense.
 

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Grand Lord Munchkin
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No, parts of the other fluff didn't make sense
 
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