[Ordo Xeno Commander]

Here is the start of my fluff/story for my space marine chapter.

any critisim is accepted, good or bad and shall be duly noted.

Thanks

Captain Detrius stood atop the fortified walls of his fortress, looking out across the deserted plains of the lost world of Adeptus Nine. The barren land was charcoal black, nothing lived on it but him and his company of Space Marines. He belonged to a Chapter of a short history, but of undeniable ferocity and skill, the Emperors Fist. Only the finest warriors were admited after the most rigorus intiation rituals and tests. Each warrior had already proved himself a Space marine, the emperor's finest, but to become part of the legendary 1st company of the Emperor's Fist was something completely different. Each warrior was adorned in the finest armour, each holding a blessed bolter. Silver armour glistened in the fading light of the worlds two suns. Gold trim lined the armour, distinguishing one warrior from the next. The black soft armour like the shadow of night, pitch black. The gold crest on top of their helmets twinkled in the light of dusk. their eyes glowed a soft red, each one having seen thousands of years of battle. Silent they stood, line upon line of these magnificent warriors, the best in the Imperium. Behind them towered the legendary suits of terminator armour, first company black armour, metallic weapons, these were the companies finest warriors, encased in the Imperiums finest armour. At the very back of the formation stood the select few who would serve the emperor, again. The towering suits of tactical Terminator armour cast a shadow over all around them. The blessed few who would continue their service as the revered dreadnoughts. power crackled down their power claws, the barrels of their assaultcannons slowly swiveling. each rumoured to having served next to the emperor himself when he once walked among men. Yet another sunset fell on Fortress Isador.
Thanks again hope you liked it.

 

[Initiate]

wow, pretty dramatically described Ordo Xeno, sweet job. btw i think you should know that Emperor is spellled Emperor... ya lol, nice job.

 

[Ordo Xeno Commander]

lol i always get it mixed up. thanks anyway more will be coming soon

 

[Ordo Xeno Commander]

here is the start of my next installment.

*THE NEXT MORNING*

Captain Detrius was in his quarters when a messenger ran in. "I bear news Brother Captain, bad news" said the messenger."The Orks are gathering on the other side of the planet"
"They must have landed last night" muttered Detrius.
"Send out some scouts and ready squads Vengeance and Harbinger and their respective Rhino's, I will go with them"
"Yes Brother Captain"
The messenger left the room as Detrius adorned his helmet and took his chainsword and combi-plasma off his weapons rack. He walked down to the Chapel Barracks and as he arrived he saw his two tactical squads waiting ready for him in their glistening silver armour. 20 men, 20 superhuman warriors, 20 of the best warriors in the Imperium stood ready awaiting their Captain and the order to move out. As he joined their ranks his Chaplain moved up and down the lines saying prayers to the Emperor."Great Emperor, each one of these men has served you for thousands of years, let your hands guide their blessed bolters to strike down the heretics that these men are about to face. Guide their bolts through the hearts and minds of this vile incursion on the Imperiumm, to crush this most horrific heresy" cried the Chaplain. "Move out!" shouted Captian Detrius. As the gates opened he lead his warriors out to the awaiting Rhino's.
"With all due speed driver"
"Yes Brother Captain"
The rhinos shook as their growling engines came to life. The drivers pulled out of the Fortress and picked up speed as they crossed the barren plains of Adeptus Nine. All the warriors began each of their personal preparation rituals. Saying their prayers, checking and loading bolters, checking links in their armour. The Rhino's slowed, and as they came to a stop Detrius stepped out to greet the scouts."The ork encampment is just on the other side of this hill" reported a scout. "Very well, Space Marines, disembark" Detrius said through his microphone. "Drivers, find a safe spot in that forest over there and take refuge while me and my marines take care of this, problem"
"Of course Brother Captain"
"Marines, form up in attack formation 4D-2 and assume doctrine 39, we want to take these heretics by suprise"
The marines crept around the hill and encountered a small forest before they found a small clearing where they could see the orks. "Marines, on three charge, one, two.....(to be continued)

 

[Sei 'fir]

not complaining but aren't powers claws ork weapons do you mean lightning claws

 

[Initiate]

i only have a problem with you calling orks heretics. I kinda doubt orks care about religion except as an excuse to go to war. "Vile Xenos" or "Filthy Green Scum" would work better :mrgreen:

 

[Ordo Xeno Commander]

Sei'fir, power claws are what are on the end of the dreads arms.

good point intiate, although practically everything that isnt under the emperor is a heretic sooo yea.

thanks anyway.

next installment should be soon, depending on how much time I have.

 

[Sei 'fir]

OK sorry sorta got lost hought you were talkin bout termies

 

[Ordo Xeno Commander]

lol yea it can get a little confusing sometimes

 

[Jacobite]

Nice work dude, very good desciption. No real faults in the writing technique, decription and seach are good. Two things however:

As already mentioned calling the orks heretics, i can see where your coming from about every thing not under the Emporer being a heretic but the hatred for Orks is more because they are Xenos than they don't follow the Emporer.

In your first peice, you mention tactical terminator armour. I know what you are getting at unfortauntly you have got it round the wrong way. A Dreadnaught is a Dreadnaught, there isn't a slang or shortened name for it. Terminator armour on the other hand has a offical name: Tactical Dreadnaught armour but is known as Terminator armour by most people. Very easy mistake to make.

Very nice work though, looking forward to reading more.