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Very nice dramatic writng, however I would advise refraining from using,
it was almost like
the almost makes your writing seem childish, compromising the integrity of the imagery and for the style of the piece it seems to cordial and informal. Cut the almost and use it was as if or just it was like, it makes it seem more grandiose, the metaphor more poignant.
Also the readiness and pride seems a little out of place as if it was just stuck on the end.
I dont know where this piece is meant to be going but if you intend it to become a guard story. I think a description of every cadian soldier, strong jawed eyes set would be very effective if focusing in upon one soldier with something slightly different about him would be a great way to introduce your main character.
it was almost like
the almost makes your writing seem childish, compromising the integrity of the imagery and for the style of the piece it seems to cordial and informal. Cut the almost and use it was as if or just it was like, it makes it seem more grandiose, the metaphor more poignant.
Also the readiness and pride seems a little out of place as if it was just stuck on the end.
I dont know where this piece is meant to be going but if you intend it to become a guard story. I think a description of every cadian soldier, strong jawed eyes set would be very effective if focusing in upon one soldier with something slightly different about him would be a great way to introduce your main character.
