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Hello everyone, after a couple of years since i was last on here i recently started getting ideas again for some more writing, so i came back to try my hand once again as last time my work was destroyed and it knocked me back but now i feel like starting over so here we go,

i have decided to follow and write about the imperial guard now, specifically Britan and the 79th Armoured Reconnaissance Regiment, ive doen some researched and found that this is another Regiment which has a very vague history, unknown origins etc.. so another blank canvas to play with, just as i like it.

so just to start this topic and keep track of my work i would like people to read and place just a small review of what they think as my work is posted in here, i am doing this so that i can keep track and get advice if something is not done right, so please be honest with your reviews thanks.


Britan 79th Armoured Reconnaissance Regiment
A Brief History

Britan, this is an Imperium planet unknown to most. The planet itself has no known description other than it is the home world of the 79th Armoured Reconnaissance Regiment. An Imperial Guard Force who are only known from their brief participation in the 13th Black Crusade. After which no note of the 79th Regiment was recorded leaving them nothing but a highly vague memory.

However, in recent years it is said that on a few occasions shuttle crafts have been spotted marked with the insignia of the 79th regiment. Unknown to most on the rare occasions that they were noticed, before they could be contacted or signalled the shuttle crafts are said to have just completely disappeared.

There was one occasion were a space marine battle barge stumbled across a damaged shuttle craft, marked with the insignia of the 79th regiment. When the marines sent over a boarding party there was some irregular readings, the technology on the ship seemed to be highly advanced. The marines were curious trying to restore power to the ship to see what exactly this ship was capable off. Unfortunately restoring power must have reactivated some sort of self destruct system. The marines on board had no chance, being obliterated by the ship as it exploded.

Lately upon the planet surface of Vardan, during a training exercise for the Vardan Rifles there was another sighting of one of the 79th Regiment shuttlecrafts. Landing in a nearby forest the soldiers that were training went to seek it out, however upon reaching the landing sight. The shuttlecraft was once again known to have disappeared completely, leaving nothing but a few marks on the ground were the craft set down.

Many would say that the 79th sightings were nothing but the imaginations of the people whom supposedly saw them. However a leak from the Administratum had stated that an experimental task force was due to be revealed under the banner of the 79th Regiment, a coincidence perhaps or has the Administratum been holding back some dark secrets all these years?


(so i started by writing a simple brief history of recent activity to get a feel of what i was thinking, i know its only a small bit but thats all i need as i didnt want to put to much into a force which is unknown, i have alot in mind for this but we will soon see that as i progress with it :) )
 

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The idea is an interesting one. However, the style isn't as accessible as it could be.

Many people will unconsciously read this as Britain and then feel a slight sense of wrongness when they realise it isn't, so you might want to change the name.

Britan, this is an Imperium planet unknown to most.
Most imperial citizens don't know much about the planets near them, let alone one planet that might be on the other side of the galaxy from them, so this doesn't really add anything.

The planet itself has no known description other than it is the home world of the 79th Armoured Reconnaissance Regiment.
You later say the Administratum might be conspiring; if this is so, then why aren't there (allegedly) false tithe records?

An Imperial Guard Force who are only known from their brief participation in the 13th Black Crusade. After which no note of the 79th Regiment was recorded leaving them nothing but a highly vague memory.
You are forcing the uncertainty on the reader and we are still in the first paragraph.

Vague already conveys nothing much is remembered, so highly vague seems overdone.

You also use known or unknown three times in three sentences.

Readers are much more engaged if they work out the truth from evidence rather than being told what to think, so I suggest detailing the sightings and other evidence and leaving out most of the people didn't know and hardly anyone remembered.

...the shuttle crafts are said to have just completely disappeared.
"...said to have..." implies the reports are deliberately falsified. If they are it is even more important not to bury that by constantly telling the reader things are uncertain. If they aren't, keep the focus on the disappearance not the validity of the report by just saying "...the craft completely disappeared."

...the technology on the ship seemed to be highly advanced. The marines were curious trying to restore power to the ship to see what exactly this ship was capable off. Unfortunately restoring power must have reactivated some sort of self destruct system. The marines on board had no chance, being obliterated by the ship as it exploded.
Advanced technology is interesting: however, saying it must have set off a self-destruct spoils the mystery (especially as the marines were all killed so couldn't give a detailed report on what happened).

Landing in a nearby forest the soldiers that were training went to seek it out, however upon reaching the landing sight. The shuttlecraft was once again known to have disappeared completely, leaving nothing but a few marks on the ground were the craft set down.
There are several typos and odd sentence structures in the piece. For example, the first sentence above is one-and-a-half thoughts and the second completes the half-thought from the first.

Potentially if you tighten up the first few paragraphs then focus on what happened rather than what readers should feel about what happened, this could be the start of an engaging mystery.

As an example:

Britan: a world known to the few who have encountered it only as the home world of the 79th Armoured Reconnaissance Regiment. A regiment itself considered a footnote to the past.

However, in recent years, scattered reports have emerged of shuttle craft bearing the insignia of the 79th regiment. Shuttle craft that disappeared before they could be contacted.
...

http://www.heresy-online.net//uk.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/
 
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