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· description whore
2,865 Posts
As a concept fascinating, i like it, I would most definitely want to read more.

It is indeed an engaging start but stylistically i have a few quarms and peices of advice

One read it through again, colloquials such as loads of blood make your writing seem childish and immature. Also i really think you could do with some more description it was too overview like, i want to know more about that ritual what it looked like what happened, did khorne appear to him.

Also what does the emperor siet look like, how did he overthrow his father.

Its almost fable like in its lack of detail at the moment and i desperately want to know the detail

Also i think in places rearrangement of words could really make it flow better, its rather jilting to read.

As a story great however in rps i've seen you do some far better writing than this and i reckon with a little tweeking it could turn into a fascinating story
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