[Shogun_Nate]

Not a bad story bud. Not a bad story at all. Beyond a few minor bits here and there (mostly due to as you put it "imperfect English" ((which I will say is better than some who are natural speakers! :biggrin) and easily overlooked given that it isn't your primary language) it's good work. I will agree with Adrian that you need a few more breaks in your writing (along with spacing out dialogue from the paragraphs, though I didn't notice much in the way of them speaking). Those are the only points I see bud.

Below is an example of what I mean. I've taken one of your paragraphs and broken it up a bit like so:

The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

Meanwhile the expedition had already reached a point where they could only decide to abandon their goal or press on and risk being caught in the advanced forces of the invasion. Vulkan decided that he would take the two tactical squads ahead in their rhino’s to try and gain some speed against the Tyranids. The reports that could be made out before all communications fell already spoke of many spores falling all across the continent.

Vulkan arrived at the site indicated on his auspex as the roar of the two rhino’s could be heard pulling up. The Scoria of Hesiod pulled up near Vulkan’s position as the smell of thick promethium filled the air. The light of Heliosa had arrived but took up a position to the east as they worried over the possibility that the Tyranids had already arrived in the area ahead of them. Both squads debarked quickly as they took up positions around their rhino’s, Sergeant Belenus walked over to Vulkan as he stopped and stood at attention

“Forgefather Vulkan, we detected some movement nearby and it would be wise to wait for the Kesare’s Fangs to arrive and provide support” he stated as Vulkan looked on into the distance. His face showed his determination over the possible finding of one of the relics.

“If a holy relic of Vulkan is here, we cannot leave it for those xenos to destroy or ruin” he stated firmly as Belenus nodded, he was not about to deny the importance of the relics.

This is what I was talking about. You really only need six to eight sentences per paragraph (though I have been known to throw in more if I felt the occasion deserved it LOL), with four being what I consider (and that's a personal opinion and not necessarily one espoused by others :biggrin the bare minimum of sentences for a proper one. But, back on track. As you can see by spacing out your writing more, you make it much easier to read than huge blocks of text. This is especially true when it comes to reading material on a computer screen.

Still, keep up the good work bud! If you keep at it, you'll find your works improve with each one written.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

 

[Shogun_Nate]

You're more than welcome for the rep bud! I think it deserved it. You took the time to play a game, write down what happened during the game and then turned it into a story. That is a lot of work (I know as I've done it before! :biggrin: )! I just checked it's length... It's ten and a third pages long of 12pt TNR with the current spacing lol. That's a sizeable story!

As for paragraph spacing, what you've done above is pretty much it bud. There is no hard/fast rule for spacing stories online but what I mentioned to you earlier works well. one rule of thumb is that you think of each paragraph as sort of a 'mini-story' of six to eight sentences long. An idea you start it with you should try to finish it in those six to eight sentences but make it part of the whole story.

Hmm. How to make it clearer... Ok, start the sentence with an action and try to wrap that action up in the paragraph. That doesn't mean that the action as a whole has to stop there. You can carry it on into another paragraph but you want each paragraph to semi-self contained. As an example, I'll reuse what I posted earlier.

The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

What I mean: In this paragraph you start with the action. In this case:

"The hive fleet arrived as the The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold out much longer."

This is the action that opens the paragraph. From here each sentence afterwards should build and expand on this action.

Ex: The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet.

Here the captain reinforces and expands on the original action by messaging, etc.

The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

This sentence does the same, closing out the action/paragraph as you prepare for the next.


Meanwhile the expedition had already reached a point where they could only decide to abandon their goal or press on and risk being caught in the advanced forces of the invasion. Vulkan decided that he would take the two tactical squads ahead in their rhino’s to try and gain some speed against the Tyranids. The reports that could be made out before all communications fell already spoke of many spores falling all across the continent.

The next paragraph starts with the action of the expedition. A new, seperate set of actions are relayed with this paragraph.

I'm not an expert writer so I can only stumble over my explanation where others could give you proper help...:blush:

Another thing you might want to work on is sentence structure. This is something I have trouble with, myself. Run-on sentences or sentences that contain too much information can make a story harder to read. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using shorter sentences in the place of the conjunctions 'and' and 'as' to get a point across. Also, there is nothing wrong with using punctuation like commas or semi-colons in the place of conjunctions. You just want to make sure you don't overdo it (as I have a tendency to do sometimes LOL).

Example:
The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

Here the opening sentence runs on and on. Try to break it up a bit so it reads easier.

Instead try: "The hive fleed arrived as the Aethonian began to attempt its the defense of the space above the planet. It quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back. They would return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port, gathering up all the PDF forces they could; steadying their souls for the coming horror."

There is another bonus from writing stories like this. They will help to improve your grasp of a different language as you learn new writing techniques. One recommendation I have is work on your basic English grammar (I mean no disrespect here. I've spoken English all of my life and sometimes my grammatical skills are found lacking LOL). The proper placement of punctuation, sentence structure, verb tenses, etc. will all help you in your writing and in improving your English.

If there's anything else you need help with bud, don't be afraid to ask! There are many fine/helpful folks here in the Original Works section and we should be able to answer just about any question you may have. Keep up the good work!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

 

[Shogun_Nate]

Howdy!

Eh, don't worry too much about it bud. Just takes a little time and practice. As for the length, really don't worry about that. There is no such thing as a story that's too long! :biggrin: If you feel the need to, just break your stories into manageable bits and post them up. Always take your time though. It's your creation so make sure you get it done right! :biggrin:

On the subject of marine attitudes, that will vary from chapter to chapter. Salamanders, for example, are taciturn and slow to anger but once they are, God-Emperor help the poor sods they're killing LOL! But, you did well with how you wrote them.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

 

[Shogun_Nate]

I see no problem with it. I believe that there's quite a bit you can write about in a story about the Battle for Macragge. Avoid the major conflicts and write about a minor one if you want to keep it on the safe side. However, you shouldn't feel limited to the small bits. It's your story...do with it what you will! :biggrin:

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate