[GeneralGrammar]

please review the following piece of writing and any tips for improvement in any aspects also any ideas for the aesthetics of the warband and chapter symbol, i want to keep the Dark Angels robes and general feel while being made up of the colours black and white. thanks for any advice


Angels of Malice
The angels of malice are a renegade chapter formed in the 31st millennium that defected from the imperium at some point during the 40th millennium and now worship the chaos entity Malice. The Angels of Malice are a successor chapter to the Dark Angels chapter and were part of the collective known as the Unforgiven.
Chapter history
The Angels of Malice remained close with their founders maintaining a similar organisation and com bat doctrine to the Dark Angels except for one difference, the have an 11th company made up of veterans who specialise in guerrilla tactics and providing mobile ranged fire support for advancing units, these veterans have been briefed on the existence of the fallen more than the Ravenwing but not as much as the Deathwing, this company is known as the Wraithwing (nicked named the “death whisperers”) the rest of the chapter does not know much of this company other than their existence and their appearance . The purpose of the Wraithwing aside from disrupting the enemies supply lines and demoralising them by assassinations or ambushes is to track The Fallen and to disable their holdings in any way possible, be it killing the guards in their sleep, placing remotely detonated explosives, teleporter beacons and recon. Once this is completed the Wraithwing then retreat to a nearby firing position and support the advancing Ravenwing and deepstriking Deathwing. The Angels of Malice’s first chapter master was Dark Angel Elias Saul company master of the 10th scout company. Like the rest of the Unforgiven the Angels of Malice harboured a grudge against the inquisition but unlike the other Dark Angels descendants it was not just for their constant struggle to undercover the Unforgiven’s plans for redemption but also their complete disregard for human life

The one great truth
The reasoning for the Angels of Malice’s defection starts on the hive world of Camellias 4 in which a chaos uprising had occurred and the 4th company of the Angels of malice was deployed in order to counteract the incursion, the harshest of the fighting occurred in and around of Hap-spire 34 in which the main power plants were located as well as the governing households both sides saw the strategic importance of this location as if the governors fell morale of the PDF regiments in place would fall and combined with the loss of the power plants so would the planet. The fighting became so fierce the 4th company called for the rest of the chapters aid instead their distress call was answered by an Inquisitorial vessel entering the system demands the Angels evacuate the Governing body and any possessions they require, the Angels complied and successfully got the governors off planet soon afterwhich the Inquisistion attempted to order the Angels to evacuate as-well calling the war “a waste of resources”, the Angels refused as the rest of the chapter would be entering system shortly the inquisistion paid no notice and began virus bombing the planet in order to eradicate the chaos taint and in the process destroying the entire 4th company and their gene seeds. The viral bombing finished just as the 1st 3rd 6th and 11th companies of the Angels of Malice entered the system; enraged by the inquisitions actions the Angels bombarded the ship making short work of the dogs, it was at that very moment the Angels realised the true face of Imperium and realised who they served, seeking guidance the chapter gathered and communicated with the Dark Angels Grand Master Azrael himself, upon revealing the events to the Grand Master the reaction was not what the Angels had hoped for, their own father chapter turned on them declaring them equal with the fallen angels who destroyed Caliban so long ago and tarnished the Chapter to this very day. The Chapter then fled into the warp but luckily the Dark Angels secretive nature worked in the Angels of Malice’s favour as all record of their existence was wiped from the records and all credible witnesses were “removed” . Upon exiting the warp the Angels came across an icy deathworld by the name of … intrigued that they were not fired at as soon as they entered the system the observed the planet for several months, what discovered shocked them; the world was most certainly an imperial world as they could see imperial governors flaunting their power everywhere the stood however, even on this so called “civilised” world the workers were treated as slaves being publicly branded and excuted for the most menial of crimes, no better than most of the chaos held worlds the Angels had purged. This disturbed the Angels to their very core, how could this be happening on an imperial world, how could the inquisition pay no notice to this, how could the God emperor himself allow this. It was at this point the Angels realised the truth the emperor was no more than rotting flesh and bones, the inquisition was as corrupt as those the claim they fight and to the imperium the men and women who inhabit these worlds are not humans, merely tools to complete a task. The Angels of Malice then took it upon themselves to cleanse the imperium of this mockery and to bring glory back to their name.

 

[BlackGuard]

Dark Angels who worship Malice? Interesting concept to be sure.

My first suggestion would be to place your founding date later than the 31st Millennium, this is where I believe the Second Founding took place and as far as I know, Games Workshop has locked up all the 2nd Founding Chapters. To make your chapter more in line with the lore, I'd recommend pushing it to the 3rd Founding.

Though I have to ask -- why the early founding? From reading what you've written I've not seen anything that demands it be so early. Are you doing it to give them the kind of regal bearing of having existed for so long or do you just like old chapters?

Secondly, you may not need to have an 11th Company. I know the first thing I thought about doing that would upset the Codex, because lets face it, it's rather boring, was to make another company entirely. Though think about the unnecessary consequences of having it -- you're automatically out of line with Imperial Doctrine, and what have you gained for this grave offense? An extra company that likely wouldn't have been very beneficial anyway. At least not when weighed against the risk of excommunication.

If you want the Wraithwing that badly -- replace the 10th Company or one of the Tactical Reserves to suit this purpose. Or, another suggestion, might be to break the Wraithwing up amongst the entire chapter. Unlike the Dark Angels who maintain all their secret lore in the 1st and 2nd Company -- you could use the Wraithwing as an almost unofficial company. One squad of them per standard Company providing invaluable support and snap reaction to the Fallen.

Of coarse -- you've turned to Chaos so the above may not be relevant. If you're hell-bound to keep the 11th Company it may come in handy to explain why the Inquisition attacked you.

One thing you may want to keep in mind about the Inquisition. They are a power block just like the Adeptus Astartes and are just as divided internally as the Astartes are via their Chapters. To think the Inquisition works in one mind and one accord would similar to assuming all the Chapters get along and agree.

If an Inquisitor decided to virus bomb a planet -- the rammifications for virus-bombing it with Spaces Marines (loyal ones) on the surface would be paramount to his death warrant. The Imperium would likely condone his murder and likely brand him the traitor. Losing one, obviously mad, inquisitor is well worth the price to keep one chapter of Astartes loyal.

Elaborate on it. Just saying he decided to virus bomb the planet doesn't really explain his motivations. Was he perhaps a soul fallen to Malice himself? A apart of some scheme to bring the Chapter into his embrace? This may come across a dry though, so careful on your wording.

Another suggestion would be your 11th Company. Perhaps the Inquisitor reacted because of a long-standing feud between the Chapter and Inquisition over the possibility of the 11th Company existing. The Black Templars are hounded by the Inquisition, as are the Space Wolves, and both tread lightly least they be exposed for having more than 1,000 Astartes. Maybe that Inquisitor learned of the existence of the 11th Company, without any doubt whatsoever, and therefore deemed the Chapter heretical. He sent the message forth and enacted an attack of his own, prompting the Chapter to retaliate.

I also would reframe from bringing up Azrael. I know bringing him in is meant to add more flavor but it comes across as uninspired since no where does it state that Azrael even knew of your Chapter's existence. You want your Warband/Chapter to mesh well with the existing universe, or at least that's what I believe you're going for. I'd recommend that they merely attempted communication with some of the Dark Angels and they were rebuffed, declared Fallen, and are now hunted by their Parent Chapter.

The only problem is this doesn't explain why they fall to Malice. Not siding with the Imperium or Chaos is tried and true (see Soul Drinkers). Is this intentionally left out or are you looking for some suggestions on this too?

A for an emblem -- I cannot really say. I don't have much in the way of character from your chapter. Yes they despise the Imperium and Chaos, but at the same time worship a Chaos God. If you have come ideas on how they act now, it could help. What are they beliefs? Do they hold Chaos as the paramount of evil and corruption, but somehow see Malice as a potential source of power? Perhaps they see Malice as the only way to end both the Imperium and Chaos in one swoop? You said God-Emperor -- most Astartes do not believe the Emperor to be a god, was this intentional or just an oversight? If it was intentional, how are they coping with the loss of their God-Emperor since they've abandoned his paradise (the Imperium)?

Just some things to think about man. I think you've got a solid idea here, I'm just trying to ask some questions to get you thinking about things that you might not have considered.

 

[GeneralGrammar]

the early founding was a typo on my part and i also forgot the time scale of the 40k universe which is a stupid mistake.

i like the idea of the Wraithwing being embedded in the chapter perhaps acting as a secret police of sorts monitoring the chapter for any failures and "removing" them, this would also emphasize the supporting role of the wraiths. As well as perhaps censoring any fallen contact when they were still loyal.

the reasoning i had for the virus bombing was that the Inquisistor saw the whole planet as a corrupt vessel and that as the Angels were protecting corrupted citizens and therefore heretical

they don't start as worshiping Malice they convert to him later in their history when the encounter the Sons of Malice when "cleansing" a planet of it's governing body

 

[BlackGuard]

On the virus bombing -- the Inquisition, despite its reputation for madness and fanaticism (in varying degrees of coarse) would not be so rash as to, by themselves, damn an entire company to virus bombing.

EDIT: I understand your reasoning being that the planet was deemed corrupt but the Chapter refused to abandon it. By the same token the Inquisition would likely take some pause on the matter -- since an entire company of loyal Space Marines are vouching for this planet. Surely they have some reason behind this? If nothing else they'd likely wait until the Chapter Master could make account of his subordinates decisions.

Of coarse, if you fleshed out the general decline in Imperial-Chapter relations over the decades, culminating in this incident, you could justify the Inquisitor's unwillingness to trust the chapter and therefore believed them to have finally taken the last step into treason.

First you have to look at it from the logical point: the Inquisitor will virus-bomb and kill perhaps one company of Astartes. The rest of the Chapter would never condone this action and the Inquisitor would be slain. No matter the resources he could call upon, the Chapter would kill him outright. Especially if they arrived just after the bombs were launched.

Second, the Imperium is not in the habit of murdering Astartes. Look at the Flesh Tearers, they are so terrible, so vicious in battle that Orks reportedly flee from them. The Iron Hands executed (well, we'd likely call it a holocaust) a portion of an entire planet's population to show them the price of weakness. None of these actions have earned these chapters the unbridled anger of the Imperium. The Inquisition actually overlooks quite a bit with the Astartes precisely because they need them.

Now, allow me some suggestions. Why must the arch villain in your downfall by the Inquisition? Do you harbor some grudge against them? Do you just dislike them? Do they play some integral part of your Warband's history? While the Inquisition is a tried and true method of validating a Chapter's fall it is a tad overdone. But, of coarse, if the Inquisition is something you just want to have be apart of your downfall its fine.

My suggestion would be the Ecclesiarchy or perhaps some other, less used branch of the Imperium. The Mechanicus could be another good option -- perhaps the Chapter angers them when they save a relatively worthless world instead of a Forge World despite the pleas of the Adepts? This could lead to a general cooling of the Chapter's relations with Mars leading up to some kind of an incident between the two later on down the line. Now the Mechanicus has quite a bit of pull and if your chapter has taken the holier-than-thou route its likely pissed off the pragmatic elements of the Imperium and this could lead to general condemnation and a reckoning.

Another obscure faction would be the Administratum. Most do not draw a connection but Imperial Governor are apart of the Administratum, since they act as the God-Emperor's voice. You've already done this to some extent with them after their fall, but could expand upon it to become the reason for their fall -- lending more credence to them taking time out of their existence to go after Imperial Governors.

The Chapter doesn't appear to have been Chaos-friendly when it fell. What did the Sons of Malice do to convince them to join their renegade god? How did the two Warbands stop fighting long enough to have this discussion?