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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
this is my tribute (aka what I would have done had the thread not died) to the unfortunately dead thread here:http://www.heresy-online.net/forums/showthread.php?t=59324


He stood over the bodies of his once comrades in chaos, the sorcerer cackling as the precious scroll pumped more power into him. A dying voice called out to him "Arctuierius...why? We could have shared the power *hack* and we would be unstoppable!" Arctuierius replied "Heraklaeon, ha ha ha, you foolish man, you see I never was a bumbling fool, that river incident, that was to make you think I was a buffoon! I wanted to kill you first but now that I have devastated the guard, the daemonhunters, and even your supposedly powerful men. I see that killing you last will be the most fun I will ever have!" He pauses for a moment and looks out the window. "Now my friend you will see that all can be changed in a matter of ten seconds, and watch as this world is reset to zero, as we... count...back....from.....ten"

"...Ten.."

"Ten buildings explode violently,"

"...Nine.."

"Nine dead servants of chaos, all from my wrath."

"...Eight.."

"Eight Spells I have learned"

"...Seven.."

"The number of daemons at my side."

"...Six.."

"Six minutes was the time it took to kill the guard."

"...Five.."

"Five times you all insulted me."

"...Four.."

" "mistakes" I made ha ha"

"...Three.."

"three times you tried at my death"

"...two.."

"sorcerers Talking."

"...One.."

"Is dying."

A huge explosion is heard, and then seen shattering the city. Buildings and all but engulfed in the blue flame, the few people left standing are vaporized.


"...Zero"

End


I have decided that since I enjoy writing from a madman's point of view so very much, that a proper prequel for Arctuierius will be in order soon.
 

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description whore
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Its a gripping ending that makes me want to read the actual story howevr I would personally make some of these a bit more dramatic

"...Three.." is a little bit the weak the others short and sweet, this one is too long winded and breaks the flow

I also think Arctieurius's little speech is rather poorly written, i think it should be a little more cutting more gloatingly eloquent. Little pauses and the sound of maniacal laughter, that sort of thing

Also a bigger description of the city shattering under the explosion would make it far more intense.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have revised it!

I agree totally that three brought it down a little and I hope that I have fixed that part.


See? I do listen!

Broguts
 

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description whore
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Indeed much better but Id go for three times you tried to take my life or 3 times you betrayed our brotherhood, sounds more grandious and generally more spiteful

Other than that me likey. I might if i get off my arse have a read of reavers of chaos itself
 
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