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· Premium Member
3,929 Posts
First off, welcome to the Heresy (again!), and I'm glad to see a new poster up on the boards.

Overall, I feel that the piece was well thought out and well written.

I particularly enjoyed the first section. There's nothing like child gladiators killing one another to peak the interest of the reader. It is also much (I think) stronger than the second portion, much crisper and with more effective descriptions and imagery.

During the second portion, I think you overdo the descriptions. I know that you are trying to build a picture in the reader's mind's eye as to what the planet looks like, what Castor's physical attributes and clothing are. While I am not saying to remove details like that completely, ask yourself how it contributes to what you are trying to do? I know that this is a major pitfall of mine as well, as I love the little details.

Strong piece, though, and I shall look forward to reading more about Trident.
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