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zahariel 02-29-08 01:50 PM

chaos sorcerer fiction
 
can some body read this and give me your opinion about it please


Zahariel stormed through the battle his glowing force sword cleaving apart loyal space marines & imperial guardsman alike. They were trying to defend this planet and they all knew what fate the dark gods had reserved for them. They were all going to die and Zahariel knew he would not stop until they were all dead and daemons owned this planet. The gods had promised this powerfully aggressive sorcerer daemonhood & immortality should he kill enough powerful enemies & take enough of the emperor’s worlds for the dark gods daemons to take control of .As soon as he had learned of this he had gathered his army and set off with his fleet. They had come across the zeltroph system first and had fell upon it like a pack of slavering wolves. Now all that was left was a few warp held planets where daemons reined supreme. The imperium had already deemed Zahariel dangerous enough which is how this battle had come about as a battle company of blood angels, Death Company and all, with 4 regiments of imperial guard attempted to stop his black crusade. Which was fitting he thought as he was a member of the black legion, once he had been chief librarian of the sons of Horus legion until that traitorous bastard ygethmor had managed to get him to leave the legion after the Horus heresy and his primarch was killed.

He heard a scream to his left as a guard colonel and his retinue charged at him. He had almost forgotten that he was in a battle. Screaming back at them he fired his combi-bolter and killed the rest of the colonel’s squad as he swung his sword and took the head off the colonel, in a spray of blood and gore, before he even had a chance to raise his power sword in attack. When he saw the blood angels commander he swore that he was going to cut him up bit by bit and throw his soul screaming into the warp to be slowly consumed and tormented over ten thousand years.
…..
It had been a few hours since the battle on the planets surface and Zahariel wished it was still going on. He was bored beyond belief as he absent mindedly played with his force sword. Still this planet did have something in the way of natural beauty hmm he thought now I’m beginning to sound like an emperors children chaos marine but still the high rugged mountains and the crystal clear waters running down from them into lush green forests with a few birds flying around them squawking and chirping he also knew there was a large imperial presence here in the form of several large hive cities which is why I am going to virus bomb this whole planet. The virus bombs will eat everything in their path turning everything into oxygen not even the bacteria will be safe and then when they think their safe from it he will use a lance strike to ignite the oxygen and then the planet will burn. It made him ecstatic just thinking about all those souls who were going to be burnt to death if the virus did not get them first civilian and soldier, Astarte’s and servitor would all die the same horrid death

zboy234 03-02-08 07:22 AM

sounds good my only nitpicks are grammar and the lack of detail in the story, like the first paragraph.


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