Asperger, and other LD's
I thought I would inquire to weather anyone else on the heresy forum has Asperger or any other Learning disabilities/difficulties. The reason for my curiosity is that I am one of the many who suffer from this cough... disability, and as such was wondering if anyone else on the forum has this learning disability, or for that matter any similar learning disability. The focus of the inquiry is in regards to the difficulties or social problems your face because of your LD.
Now it would be unfair to expect others to open up on such a difficult topic without offering information on my own experiences with Aspergers. The greatest hardships I face in my life because of Asperger are mostly social do to how Asperger is a high functional LD. Which means where I may have difficulty in some fields, my potential intellectual ability is generally above most of humanity. One of the most troubling of the social difficulties I encounter is a sever sense of detachment from the rest of humanity to the point where I feel completely inhuman when around others, sure I have adapted to the point where I can function perfectly fine in almost any setting, but my desire for prolonged social interaction with others in any informal setting is negligible at best. There is however times when this problem is far worse to the point where I find the shear presence of certain individuals like a cancer eating away at me, as if their vary way of moving talking or acting was the most repulsive thing imaginable. Compared to these difficulties any minor cognitive limitations I experience seem small, but are none the less horrific for unlike most of humanity I am painfully aware of the wonders and possibility's presented by experience/knowledge, and have been so since I was in the crib, yet do to my cognitive limitations I often have difficulty learning at a pace that even comes close to allowing me to fulfill such possibilities. This matter is made worse by the fact that failure is not just a emotional experience for me I can almost hear or feel it to the point where its like a spike has been driven though my head. Worse yet over the years I have come to hate almost all of humanity for its unwillingness to use its natural cognitive abilities to pursue the things that I am so driven to seek, because I am unable to do so because of the limitations imposed on me by nature itself (The thing in question is excellence in all fields).
Now I know many of you out their may not want to present such vulnerabilities to the hateful void know as the internet, matter of fact the only reason I do so is because only one person on this forums know me, and even then he only know me from a single game of 40k I played against him. So use the anonymity I just used to post any difficulties you may have faced in life do to a LD, but only if it helps you.
I've been wondering when something like this would come up.
I've been seeing counsellors for a while - occasionally since about 1999, and regularly since about 2005. I was misdiagnosed with clinical depression in 2005, then someone thought it was Aspergers, and finally someone worked out that i have Borderline Personality Disorder.
I hate the fact that I am different on a fundamentally basic level from most other people. It's something I've had to deal with for a long time.
The scariest part about it is I have to analyze every interaction I make, and make sure I'm not doing things that are socially unacceptable.
Speaking of which - One of my lecturers decided to poke fun at people with Aspergers, when describing programmers at games companies. My response was... well... pretty brutal. I don't remember too much of it, but he knows now that there are some topics you don't poke fun of - that being one of them.
The only place i really feel like i'm able to connect with people is when I'm roleplaying - going off into fantasy lands and all that stuff. It might be escapism but it really does work for me.
I have semantic pragmatic disorder (SPD) which is a fourm of asperger & a difficult with reading & writen as well as a few other things in there.
For me it thing like
- Spell checker dose not help me, more so with words like there/thier, where/were, that/at. Just more when to use them that the right time.
- Get nervies when I am in a new area or do somthing new. So say like a job interview or going to college for the first time.
- I can get stress out that time if somthing not going right & just unsure how to sort it, led to bad headace.
- When ever there a argument I can see right away who right or wrong.
- With in a mere few second of meeting someone I can tell what there like in term of a good person, bad/git/big headed, etc...
However I really do find it hard to read people body launge while myself I might give off the wrong body launge that time only because I was nervies.
- I find it hard with direction (sp?). No matter how many time someone tell me the same direction it dose not help me. Usely if I am going to a place for the first time I tend to have a map printed out from yellow page web site.
But once I been there & have no problem with the direction when going back there.
However with SPD it has help greatly with my model making skill. I was recommended by Graham McNeill after he seen my IW army that Conflict Scotland to go onto a NQ to HND model making course in Scotland.
I've complete it with best student award & best team work award.
Just when I get a idea in my head, I have the model complete as it where. However my college teach would alway have me sort of going from my finial idea (from my head) to show how I got there, so people could understand where the idea came from.
When I made the model in my course I could see how it would all turn out & knew each step was going right.
My finial year project being a finial exsample where everthing was work from the top of my head as it where with size, how it would look, etc...
Also because of this a few people from my college course started to become a bit jeloius (sp). End of the day I done nothing toward them & nor did I act big headed that all (I'm leval headed person).
But then again I would say 98% of the college course (people from NQ, HNC & HND) would come to me & seek advice.
I personally do not have asperger or any form of learning disability but I do have a close friend with asperger.
He has a hard time in crowded areas or in noisy areas because he can't ignore sounds. All sounds around him come in at once and it confuses/disorients him. If their are to many noises, he can get angry, very hyper or can begin screaming to try quiet everything down.
Of course, when it is quiet and he isn't doing anything overly excited (he is very excitable) he is basically normal. He does act a little strange but not to much so that you would think he is mentally handicapped (he has a learning disorder but people often assume it is a form of retardation).
He is a very kind and caring person to everyone he meets and protects his friends. Many of the people who live on my street are cruel to him when he visits (laughing at him, saying cruel things), but they always have gotten a boot in the backside for it from me and the people who know my friend.
I find it hard when people assume that he is retarded or make a blanket statement about him, because he is really a nice guy. People should try and understand what he is going through.
Aspergers and dyslexia.. fun combo that it is.
I know exactly how Luke feels though Im not quite so bad- I dont mind being around people (though Im still anti-social), I just cant stand being around people for long periods- after spending a 2-4 hours with anyone the absolute last thing I want to do is spend any more time with them (regardless of if they are friends or family).
I really dont like new places (driving anywhere when I dont know the route is a big one- get seriously anxious regardless of how easy the route is)... I dodnt really realise quite how much this affects my normal life until recently- I thought that I just happened to get into routines easily but it turns out that following them is almost a compulsion (eg I go into my FLGS on thursday.. doesnt really matter if I want to go or not I still find myself going).
Weird what Kashnizel said- never thought it was part of the aspergers but I have rubbish hearing when its noisy but great hearing when its quiet...when I used to wait for the bus home from school I could barely hear anything that my friend would say- doesnt make me angry- its as though the volume gets turned down when there is a lot of noise about.
Actually the thing I fins most irritating is that I'm actually very clever (IQ~135-40) which means that most things I'll grasp very quickly but somethings remain a total mystery to me
eg- 40k is a breeze but after 24 years I still dont understand peope (I always expect too much- honesty, loyalty, keeping your word... constant disapointment has made me very cynical)
Edit- on a slightly weirder note almost every person at my FLGS is dyslexic... it must be running at 70%+, dunno if this is the same everywhere or just a stats glitch but it is odd.
Asperger's Syndrome. I also have a Spatial Learning Disability. Because of Asperger's Syndrome, I also suffer from severe social anxiety (to the point of actual social phobia), depression and more.
With these issues, I tend to be pretty withdrawn out in public and around people who I'm not familiar and comfortable with. A lot of the time I feel almost alien compared to other people because of the way that my brain functions in comparison to others. Social niceties, cues and expectations are, by the large, beyond my ability to understand on the same level that everyone else does.
In loud and crowded places I become both withdrawn and extremely irritable. Concerts, clubs and the like can depending on the volume drive me absolutely crazy to the point where I'll just leave. I find that only alcohol relaxes me enough to be able to appear normal and that I'm having a good time.
Example: I'm sitting in a local McDonald's by myself and a complete stranger comes up to me and takes a seat at my table, despite their being plenty of empty seats around.
Immediately my spine becomes highly rigid, I pull my shoulders back and generally try to distance myself from this person. Several things run through my mind. What does this person want? Are they just being friendly? Are they attempting to flirt? Are they just trying to get a rise out of me? I stammer while trying to think of the appropriate thing to say. If I can't think of anything, I'll just stand up and leave as quickly as I can without saying a word.
So yeah, that's sorta what I suffer from... haha. It's not all bad, though. I've always found that people with Aspeger's Syndrome or other issues tend to gain something in return, sort of like how someone who is blind will find that their other senses appear heightened and more powerful because they rely on them more. Because of my issues, I've been blessed with a very slightly higher than average IQ and the ability to read and comprehend vast amounts of information in very short periods of time. In 4th grade I was tested and it was found that at the time my reading comprehension skills were equivalent to that of a college graduate. Additionally my ability to remember things that I've read is far above average as well (which is probably the only reason that I'm knowledgeable about 40K). :P
So yeah. The life of someone like us can appear to be tough at first glance, but remember that no matter what we struggle with, if something has been taken away from us we always get something back in return. :)
When I started this thread I never imagined I would get this much feedback. I was afraid that fear of being singled out or ridiculed would stop others from talking openly about LD in a open, and rational way. It is emboldening to find others have faced some of the hardships I have faced in my own life.
For anyone that's interested in the comprehensive cognitive testing that lead to me being classifieds as having Aspergers I will briefly talk about the abnormalities in my cognitive profile which show some odd peaks, and valleys in my metal profile. Some of said discrepancies are the 140 in spacial awareness, and 80 (Sub norm) in mathematics, with another peak of 120 present in verbal comprehension. The 140 in spacial awareness is strange considering that some afflicted with Aspergers experience clumsiness, or awkward sense of balance (Years of shooting, and martial arts probably helped). However my heart goes out to all those that where/are still bulled for their differences, especially since I was able to avoid open mockery beyond age 14, do to my articulate nature and the general fear others had that I would rip their arms out of their sockets if they angered me (A feat I did once in a wrestling match).
However with the SPD, because of the difficult I had in High School I soon learnt a great skill. Say when you did a test & it ask you to fill in the rest but leave you a clue eg: one word. I would not weaste time reading through the whole stuff, I'd simple look out for the key word.
It like those puzzle where it has a list of words, I can easily spot them out. By haveing a scan though. It basicly take the helpful info.
Just I am able to pick out the key info as it where & just ignore the rubbish as it where.
With Social stuff. I find I am ok that gigs as I tend to focuse on the stage. Though I do not like waiting in line. Hard to exsplain, but with my SPD just never been one for big que of people.
Like wise say I am that the train stastion, I don't like it when people keep walking from one end to another & then wait right in front of you. Or that nosie out of control kid or the group of Neds (chav for English memeber). Just don't really like it when people don't give me personial space.
Same with tourist when I go to GW Edinbrugh (use to work there) when I am painting or gaming, with my SPD.
But as said with this the SPD help as I am focuse in my work as said with my college course. It was also notice when I work in GW Edinbrugh that I did focuse & doing the work. I just tend to suffer a bit in what was called "grey area". If it was in black & white I could focuse & get the job done. But any grey area I'd suffer greatly, as said I suffer from reading people body launge.
Just because we are like this, we should not be complete treated diffrent from other, just simple that they should understand that there some thing we may not like (nose or people give us no personial space) & respect that.
I rememeber a time when I wrote to B&Q to tell them that there applacstion (sp?) by there web site was not the greatess. Just exsplain how I found it hard with the multi question & about 99% of them where the same just said in another way.
I got a phone call from one of there HR & just one of the most insulting & inbreed idiot I ever talk to. Never before had I felt pi*s off.
When they phone it just thing like "do you know what the word helpful mean" five times & tell me that they would exsplain it & the whole attuide. It was the way they acted talking very slow & down to me.
It ended with me telling her to fu*k off & stop being a ignorant person, though I have SPD or if I had any other disabilty, it dose not mean I or anyone for that matter is stupit. I may have a difficult but it dose not mean she should have her head up her own rear & treat me like a complete idiot. I simple sent the letter in to let them know that there applacstion by there web site was a struggle for people who have problem like SPD.
Did not exspect to be treated like a fool.
When I work in a supermarket or GW Edinbrugh I would treat everone the same. One of my answer to a question about someone who may have had a disabilty was. Treat them the same as other customer.
Ask them if they wish help, if not leave them to them self other wise it could upset a person with a disabilty.
As shown with the B&Q person I was really pi*s off, if I had gotten her name then I would have reported her for disability discrimination.
But as said with the asperger it also give us all great strength. Having being that prospect which is a sort of trainging area for work to help people with asperger here in Glasgow. Those who where with me had some great skill be it writen work/wanting to be a reporter to people wanting to play music or become a dsigner in term of product design.
As said with my self & model making as well.
Wow, this is actually really cathartic... I had been told that I had aspergers but my shrink (though not diagnosed; she's a psychology Prof but still not able to officially diagnose it) but it is nice to knwo that other people know pretty much exactly what I feel and its effects. The weirdest part of this thread so far has been pretty much that there has been almost nothing that anyone said hasnt resonated with me on some level- even quite a few that my admittedly pretty rubbish research didnt prepare me for (or- hey, I thought that trait was mine, not the damn aspergers).
Now I'm kinda wondering (mostly through re-reading my own post) if others have the trait of writing in a much more elaborate way thaen they talk: I'm middle class and yes I sound like it (appearing as snobby/aloof sometimes since I'm not getting involved in conversations- I rarely talk if its not a 1-1 conversation). When speaking I just cant seem to keep up with what I want to say and either start to forget simple words (peaks so far are "any" and "water"... there is no way to explain you mean water without using the word and to not sound totally stupid) but when I write I have the time to actually think clearly...
I wouldnt go so far as to say that I can actually express exactly what I mean but I certainly get a hell of a lot closer.
I sometimes feel sad and frustrated by the fact that I'm not able to integrate with normal people. But nowadays I've just got a near total hate for people.
I can never forgive the bullies and other people who i went to school with - I will hate them now and forever.
There's one in particular that I will devote some time and money to ruining. I'll make sure that he suffers for what he's done to me.
I'm so damaged that a lot of other people pick up on that and just get scared of me. Everything I do gets put in the worst light, and everyone thinks I'm a psychopath.
No amount of counselling is going to cover the shit that's happened and it's effects - maybe i should sue the bastard.
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