Sum' orky stuff, an' den sum! (UPDATE, 7th February)
Oy! Youz! Yeah, youz, da 'umiez at da komputa' bitz!
The first fanfic, *Savin' stuff, da orky way!*, can be found on pages 1 and 2.
It's sequeal, *Da green kruseid*, is on pages 2 and higher.
Chapta' 1 - Ol' habitz die 'ard
From: Marnus Ekladam
To: High Inquisitor Lordeal
Subject: Your requested report
Emperor be praised!
You gave me the honour of writing a report about the events that recently transpired upon the planet of Akhalam VI. After investigating the events and their outcome, I have come to the conclusion that the ork warband on the planet won't cause trouble. Not for some time, at least.
Let me briefly inform you about the events. Tell you, how ork warboss Nagosh Ubzug and his warband helped save the planet itself.
It was a nice sunny day around the ork fort... camp... thing.
Uncountable boyz were running here and there, preparing for the fight at hand. Except for one. He ran to the boss' hut. He nudged, hit or even tackled many boyz. Responses like these could be heard:
“Wotch wer ya goin!”
“I'z gunna get yo 'ead lata!
He was used to that. And he didn't care, since the boyz will probably forget that stuff pretty soon. Flashgit Gobroz was smart enough to know that.
He had been considered “un-orky”. Even more than the other flashgits. After the Big Mek, he was the smartest boy in the fort. Smartboy... or smart git, they called him. He knew the difference between the two only too well.
He reached a big hut, on which there was a sign. It said “De Boss”. The grot that wrote the thing stood there watching it. The grot knew something wasn't right.
“Oy,” the grot turned, “dat shud say DA Boss!”
“I will fix it right away! Pleaze, don't tell 'im!”
He entered the hut. There, warboss Nagosh Ubzug stood. He was looking at a make-shift map of the area.
Nagosh was large, even by ork standards. His left leg was still organic, but the other one was cybernetic. Injuries. His right arm was replaced with a huge kustom shoota. Request from the boss. 'No boss iz complete without big shoota!' he used to say. His other weapon was a gigantic chain choppa. Mek had fun with a humie weapon.
'Course, every boss has a banner of his band or clan, no? The banner was currently hung on a wall. Blue, with a black skull and badly drawn foot over it. 'Da Skull smashaz.'
Nagosh didn't wear horns. He said they were 'Uncomfar... Uncomfuri... wot was da word?”'
“Oy! Flashgit Gobroz! Wot ya doin 'ere?” The boss never called him Gobroz. Only flashgit Gobroz. No one in the whole fort knew why. But he got used to it.
“I'z got newz, boss. Sum git made da trukk blue!”
“I told da meks ta do dat!”
“Blue onez go fasta!”
“Wot? RED onez go fasta!”
“You'z right! GROT!”
The gretchin that was fixing the sign fell of his ladder. Gobroz didn't want to know how the sign looked now.
“Go to da meks. Tell dem dat da trukk haz to be RED.”
The gretchin left. Several orks almost stepped on him.
“Drakk'z nervous, eh?”
Nagosh was a strange warboss. He liked grots. For dinner, or otherwise. The boyz didn't like it at first, but they soon got used to it. Gobroz just knew this whole warband was a bit weird. Drakk, for instance, is probably the longest-living grot in the galaxy. He wasn't used as a bomb pilot, dinner, in dok experiments, simply nowhere fatal.
“I'z got da perfect plan, flashgit Gobroz!”
“Wot plan, boss?”
“Dis time, we'z gunna attack da humiez right 'ere!”
Gobroz looked at the point where Nagosh was looking. He wasn't the least bit surprised. But it still filled him with dread.
“Yeh. Dey's not gunna expectz it!”
Gobroz wanted to show a sign of protest. But he knew the boss was too stubborn. He sighed.
“Yeh, boss. Wot shud I do?”
“Let'z see... make sure da trukk is red... and tell da boyz we'z goin in five hourz!”
“Are they coming, old chap?”
“Stupid as always.”
General Alix Mosiv sat in the area's command bunker, his everyday cup of green tea next to him. Orks were right sometimes. Green IZ best! He sipped a bit and then scratched his bald head. He looked to the right.
Next to him was his best man. Commissar Anon Ymous. Strange name. Anon's short brown hair couldn't be seen through the large hat he wore. The same hat also concealed part of his face. Uniform-ordering errors can end in strange ways.
“Are the basilisks in place?”
“Just like the last twenty-three times, sir.”
Alix didn't know what kind of fool lead the orks and he didn't care. As long as the greenskins come into their firing range willingly, why complain?
The whole ork warband was on its way towards what Gobroz called “Da big field of def”. Warboss Nagosh... wasn't the brightest ork. Every time, the whole warband attacks from the same direction, and every time, almost the entire band gets wiped out.
Somehow, the boss and he always survive. Is it luck? If that existed, the boss would grow a brain larger than a squigg's and attack a different position. And Gobroz didn't see that happening in the near future.
The earth trembled a bit.
“Boss! Dey'z found us again!”
Gobroz saw Muskit. A normal slugga boy, who seemed to have the same amount of 'luck' like the boss and himself.
Nagosh was furious. As always.
“Stupid humies! They neva' let us have any fightin'!
Gobroz covered his ears as the artillery rounds hit the ground behind them. Screams, roars. It then stopped.
He looked around. He was alive. Check. The boss was alive. Check. Muskit was alive. Check.
And that was all... only the three of them survived this time.
“We'z lucky again, boss.”
Muskit had no idea how lucky.
“Yeh, I guess. Wait! Ova' der!”
The two other orks looked as uncountable guardsmen came into view.
“Wot now, boss!”
“Like before, flashgit Gobroz. We'z gunna RUN!”
Nagosh did make sense sometimes. The three turned and left 'Da big field of def' faster than Eldar ever could.
Chapta' 2 - Forestz
“I'z don't get it.”
“How did da humies find uz, flashgit Gobroz? I bought extra kamuflagez upgradez for 50 pointz!”
“Boss... dat only works in forestz.” said Gobroz, fighting the urge to 'facepalm'. 'How did da humies find uz', he says...
“Likez da one we'z in now?”
“Oy! Ova' 'ere!”
The two looked over to Muskit. The seemingly endless 'forest', which was actually a jungle, seemed to give the slugga boy more energy. Maybe he would be good as a jungle kommando? If they get out of here, that is. For the twenty-fourth time. The damn place always seemed to be different than the last time.
“I'z found waterz! Lotz of waterz!”
The two came closer. Through a bunch of trees, a large lake, with strange creatures around it, could be seen.
“Gud work, Muskit! I'z thirsty!”
All three made their way towards the lake. The creatures, while kinda' scary, left the area immediately.
“Yeh! Run from da orks!”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz?”
Gobroz pointed, Nagosh looked. On the edge of the lake, a small, black... ball, with legs, yellow eyes and a big mouth, watched them. They came closer. It didn't move an inch.
Muskit picked it up. It didn't struggle.
“After sum inspa... anspi... lookin', I sayz, that dis 'ere, iz a squig.”
“Squig? I'z neva' seen a black squig before.” Gobroz was truly surprised.
The little black squig roared. As much as a squig can.
“Yeh! Yeeeeeh! Nowz, we'z can EAT and DRINK!”
Gobroz pointed at Muskit. He seemed a bit sad.
“But boss, da little fing iz so cutez!”
“Don' tell me... you'z wanna keep it?”
“Fine, we'z only gunna drink, den.”
Muskit seemed full of joy. He put the squig on the ground. It almost instantly ran into the jungle. Gobroz and Nagosh looked at Muskit.
“Dat'z wot ya get, for bein' nice.”
Muskit sheepishly looked at them.
A terrible roar could suddenly be heard. They looked towards the jungle. The little black squig emerged, towing a creature four times it size behind it. It then stopped and watched them.
“Yeh! DAT'Z what we'z get for bein' nice!”
All three orks gladly took the 'offering'. And drank some water. It actually tasted like fungus beer, a bit.
After the meal, all three just watched the squig.
“Well, we'z got here a gud attack squig.”
“We shud call 'im somethin'.”
“Muskit'z right, boss.”
They sat like that for a moment.
“I'z gotz it,” screamed Muskit, “Ugu!”
“Ugu? Not bad, Muskit. Not bad at allz.”
“We'z shud get going. I'z don't think even Ugu can helpz uz against da stuff in dis forest for long.”
The two nodded and the three orks and Ugu were on the way.
After five hours of walking, they really did find the way back home. When they reached the fort, the orks that stayed were gathered around a nob.
Nagosh always leaved SOME defenders. The boys that stayed either lost in a game of orkjack, or didn't want to die. Or both, in some cases.
They heard the nob's words clearly:
“Da boss iz dead. Even if he'z not, he'z a git. I'z da new boss.”
The two mobs of orks swiftly left the immediate area. Battles for being boss can get violent for the watchers.
“Yeh! I'z gunna show ya, GIT!!”
The nob charged. Within five seconds, he flew through a wall twenty metres away.
Nagosh Ubzug may be a bit stupid. But Gork and Mork help you if you have to fight him.
“Who'z da boss?”
The nob came out of the rubble. He was shaking a bit.
“You'z da boss, boss.”
“Gud. Now, ya gits rememba'. I'z da biggest, so I'z wot?”
“DA BOSS!!” cried the mobs of orks
“Now, two fingz. One. Get da wall fixed. And two. Get uz sum fungus beer. And squig pie,” Ugu looked at him, “fine! No squig pie!”
They would have to try and find ANOTHER feral ork tribe to replace the losses. They would have to try hard.
In hiding behind the planets moon, several ships waited. The marks of the Thousand sons were on them.
On the bridge of the biggest ship, Rakul Manek stood, watching the planet. His upgraded armour still looked like the 'everyday' one, though. He wanted termie armour, but no! They said the stuff is too 'precious' for an officer like him. He will show them. All of them!
He pressed a buttton on his command panel. Another non-runic marine appeared.
“We tried our best, my lord, but we couldn't pinpoint the temple's location. The chaos energies spread everywhere. We did, however, at least discover the area where it is. I am afraid we will have to send our forces to search.”
“It cannot be helped, I suppose. Any other news?”
“Well, yes. We lost Blagush, just ten minutes ago.”
“He was summoning a daemon.”
“Ummm... a Daemonette. Two of them, sir. For uhhh... personal use.”
“And what happened? Error on his part?”
“No, sir. Gugulash found out. And you know how mad he gets when someone tries to summon non-Tzeench daemons.”
“Send him here. I want to talk to him ASAP.”
“Will do, sir!”
The transmission ended.
“I have to teach that idiot that summoning Daemonettes is GOOD. VERY good.”
He resumed the watching of the planet. Soon, he will show all of them.
Chapta' 3 - Pointy friendz
“Boss, are ya sure we'z goin' in da right directun?”
“'Course! Whaddaya think, flashgit Gobroz? That I'z stupid?”
“No, boss. It's just dat Muskit and me have seen dat rock over fifteen times.”
“Oh... well... FINE!! We'z lost! You'z happy?”
“Not in da slightest, boss.”
The three orks and Ugu went into the jungles alone. Searching for still-living feral orks is lots of work. Especially when your navigator is “directionally impaired”.
“Wot now, boss?”
“I'z don't know, Muskit.”
As the three were losing hope, Ugu suddenly squeaked and started running.
“UGU! Where ya goin'!?”
Muskit ran after the little squig, the other two close behind.
As they followed the little squig, the orks started hearing sounds. After a minute, they identified the sounds as screams. They were human-like.
“No, Muskit. Voices are humie-like.”
“Yeh! We'z gonna have some fightin'!”
Ugu suddenly stopped. They did too. Through the trees and foilage they could see three slim figures in white armour and... pointy helmets. Their armours were white, but with hints of green here and there.
The three were surrounded by a group of humanoids in gold and blue armour. Most just stood there, but one talked with the pointy-helmeted (is that a word?) ones.
“Wot are dose, boss?” whispered Muskit.
“Da onez wif da pointy helmetz are Eldarz. Da oderz are chaos boyz.”
“Quiet, ya two! I'z listenin'!”
“Sorry, flashgit Gobroz.”
They were quiet and listened as well. The chaos marine spoke:
“I will ask one last time, Eldar. Answer, and your death will be swift. Where is the temple?!”
“We will never tell the likes of you, follower of chaos.”
“Fine, have it your way. Destroy them!”
The remaining marines stepped forward like machines. The Eldar readied battle stances.
“We can't let da chaos boyz do dat!”
“'Cause, flashgit Gobroz, dere'z more chaos boyz, derefore more fun. Plus, da Eldarz know where ta find more chaos boyz. I'z know it.”
Nagosh Ubzug sometimes shows a mind of a smart boy. Sometimes.
“Kay, boss. You'z go first, we'z goin' second.”
“Let's get 'em! WAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!”
The chaos marines turned to the source of the noise. The leader was shocked. The Eldar were as well.
A giant ork doesn't just run out of the jungle to smash stuff... most of the time.
Nagosh lifted his chain choppa and cut one of the chaos marines in half. The armour... was empty.
“Wot is dis?!”
Another of the marines readied his bolter.
“Not so fast, chaos boy!”
Gobroz, though a smart boy, was still a flashgit. And flashgits like BIG shootas. The marine learned that only too well. Again, only bits of armour were left. Gobroz exited the jungle.
“Boss! Dese chaos boyz are weird!”
“Yeh! Smashin' 'em is still fun, though!”
Nagosh and Gobroz looked at the chaos leader.
“You'z talkin' ta us, humie?”
“Yes. And I will gladly send your souls to Tzeentch, for all they're worth! Rubric marines! ATTACK!”
As one rubric marine moved, Muskit suddenly appeared and tackled it with such strength, that the helmet fell of. The marine's gauntlet rose and showed him... the finger. Another tackle sent the armour to the ground.
The Eldar started fighting. One disappeared only to reappear behind a marine and delivered a barrage of devastating energy shots... at least, they looked like energy shots.
The second charged at the marines. They shot, but he flew up and showered with fire from his blaster. The marine's armour seemed to deflect those shots. But he then descended, landing on the marine, crushing the armour. The other one drew a knife, but was too slow. A barrage of shots tore him to bits. The Eldar turned to see Gobroz and was surprised when the ork gave him a 'thumbs up' before resuming his shooting.
The third Eldar... was female. She gracefully danced between the marines, who were too slow to block. An extremely loud shriek from close range literally blew off a marine's helmet.
The marines' greatest nemesis was... Ugu, strangely enough. The little squig jumped from marine to marine, confusing the walking armours. The rubric's shot each other, trying to get the little thing. Muskit got those that 'survived'.
Meanwhile, Nagosh fought the chaos leader. Chain choppa against chain sword. The leader somehow mustered the power to keep the warboss at bay. Which was quite a feat, even for a corrupted space marine.
“Wot, are you'z on steroids?!”
“Winners don't use drugs, ork! They use the might of chaos!”
A dark energy gathered in the leader's right hand. He released a blast of warp-fire at point-blank range, which scorched the boss' left side.
Nagosh was REALLY mad now. He applied more force and the chain sword broke in half. But he didn't push the choppa further. Instead, he picked up the leader and threw him upwards. He turned his choppa around and used it as an improvised club. He hit the chaos marine and the chaos worshipper was sent flying. For at least a few miles. NEVER make orks mad.
The two other orks and Ugu came closer.
“Boss, ya alright?”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz. It's just stingin' a bit.”
“Why did you do that?”
All four (don't forget Ugu) turned. It was the swooping hawk.
“Wot? Save ya arses?”
“Well... yes. Or perhaps you still want to fight?”
The three readies battle stances. The two orks and Ugu looked at Nagosh.
“I'z tired. And me left side 'urts.”
The hawk looked at the warp-fire wound.
“That needs treatment.”
The hawk facepalmed.
“He meanz fixin', boss.”
“Warp-fire is a dangerous weapon. The wound can start dissolving if not treated.”
“You Eldarz like big fancy wordz, eh?”
The hawk didn't know what to do. Gobroz felt like a translator.
“He sayz, dat da burned partz are gonna turn into somethin' dat has to be replaced by a dok.”
“No dok! I almost lost both mah eyez last time! During arm replacementz! So, you'z Eldarz can heal dis?”
“Yes. But we would have to get you near one of our warlocks. And that could be a problem.”
“We don't even know why you helped us. And then refused to attack us.”
“Why? We'z just wanted ta have some fun! Plus, you were outnumba'd. Dat ain't nice.”
“I see. Well, I supposse we do owe you our lives. We will help you.”
“Tanks. So... who are ye?”
“Oh, sorry. My name is Altian. My teleporting associate is Lokan and...”
“I am Kilina,” said the banshee, “thanks, Altian, but I can talk by myself.”
“Whatever. And you might be?”
“I'z warboss Nagosh Ubzug of da Skull smashaz!”
“I'z flashgit Gobroz. Just call me Gobroz.”
“And I'z Muskit,” he picked up our favourite squig, “and dis 'ere, is Ugu!”
“Pleased to mee...”
“Oh, what a cute little thing!”
Kilina ran to Muskit and took Ugu from his arms. She started squeezing him. The little guy seemed to like it.
“Oy! Wot ya doin'! Give 'im back!”
“No, he's mine! So cute and squishy!”
The ork and the banshee started arguing. Ugu freed himself from Kilina's grasp and headed towards Lokan. The warp spider just looked at the squig. He then stretched an arm and scratched the little thing on its back.
Altian and Nagosh separated the two.
“Enough of this!”
“Save da fightin' for lata', Muskit!”
The two looked at each other. The looks showed rivalry. The two leaders shook their heads and said together:
“Inner-conflicts/z are never good.”
After that sentence, they both stared at each other.
“We should find our warlock... yeah.”
“I agree! Come on, flashgit Gobroz! We'z goin'!”
“Yeh, boss! Come on, ya two!”
The three Eldar, three Orks and Ugu set course for the seeecret Eldar outpost. They went like so:
The first were Altian and Gobroz. Perhaps they will talk 'bout stuff?
Lokan was close behind. Strangely, Ugu walked beside him and the silent warp spider seemed to enjoy the squig's company.
Nagosh walked behind the unlikely duo.
Last were Muskit and Kilina. They were still arguing about Ugu, oblivious to the fact that the squig was with Lokan.
Chapta' 4 - Testin', one, two, free
Aboard the Thousand Sons cruiser, Magic Pwns, all was NOT well. And not just because the beer ran out.
You see, Rakul Manek, though a sorcerer, sometimes shows the rage of berzerkers. Like now.
“So, can any of you tell me, how exactly we LOST OVER ONE HUNDRED RUBRIC MARINES, ON SOME STUPID BACKWATER WORLD?!?!?!?!”
His twenty aspiring sorcerers were more than scared right now. They still remembered Gugulash's punishment... 24 hours Levan Polkka... the horror. The poor sorcerer promised to not even get irritated by non-Tzeentch daemons.
The scream made the moon the fleet was hiding behind shake a bit.
“I-it was not our fault.”
“Oh? And how was it NOT your fault, Kran?”
“It was the Eldar. They set up ambushes all over the planet's jungles. They knew we were coming.”
“That is no excuse!”
“We were caught off guard, sir. And you know how slow to react rubric's are...”
Rakul had to admit that. Without sorcerers, they were kinda stupid.
“Fine. But we still lost one hundred.”
“Why does it matter?”
“I mean, they just reform back on the Planet of sorcerers, so why... Uggghhhhh!!!”
Rakul held Kran's neck. He then threw him into a wall.
“It matters, Kran, because the more that have to reform, the more my superiors will think of me as a failure. And I won't get termie armour in that case. Which would make me VERY mad.”
“I understand, sir.”
“Good. Did you encounter any other enemies?”
All the sorcerer's in the room looked at Akitol. He stood up.
“Y-yes. My unit met orks.”
“Yes, I knew of... wait, you got your arse kicked by ORKS?!”
“Let me explain!”
“You have one chance.”Akitol told his master everything. About his group's triumph over the Eldar ambush, (There was at least a hundred, but we pulled though.) the interrogation of the three survivors, (I gave one an extra arm, but he still wouldn't talk!) and the surprising ork ambush (A whole warband, at least! And they had a huge black beast with them!).
“Is that all, Akitol?”
“No, sir. The orks didn't even touch the Eldar.”
This truly surprised Rakul. What kind of orks DON'T kill everything in sight? Could this warband become allies with the Eldar? If so, Rakul has one more problem.
“And the warboss?”
“Yes. The biggest ork I have ever seen. Even I could only barely hold him off. He then got mad and I was forced to flee.”
Rakul tapped into Akitol's mind. The sorcerer was thinking of his fight with the ork. Truly a beast. He didn't need to see more.
The sorcerer's were surprised, but they all left. For their own safety.
Rakul was in his personal quarters. He repeated the words that would summon one of his most trusted agents from the warp. When the incantation was complete, the room was filled with red light. The figure could then be seen in its full glory.
“You have summoned me, master?”
“Yes, Nebulon. You are the only daemon I can give such a task.”
“What is it that you need?”
Rakul motioned with his hand. The image he had taken from Akitol's head appeared. The ork warboss.
“I want this ork. Dead.”
“Excellent. Orks are my favourite.”
“They fight in melee, they are strong. And their blood-lust is almost like mine.”
Nebulon came closer to his master. The daemon's two horns had an almost golden colour. The rest of his humanoid body, however, was black, with red fur on his back. His giant battle axe had drunk uncountable souls. He was much more than a simple Bloodletter.
“Master? May I ask something?”
“Why do you not summon Tzeentch daemons to do your work?”
“Heheh. You see... they are too unpredictable. Tzeentch may be the master of change, but he overdoes it, most of the time. Besides, it's not like any of the three 'big boys' or even the 'girl' give a damn.”
“You got a point there. But, why me?”
“Because daemons of Khorne are the best at bloodshed. But you also have more IQ than a slug.”
“To think I have been shunned for that... no matter. I will bring you the ork on a 'pointy stik' by tomorrow.”
“Excellent. Now go. And take some... backup. The more chaos, the better.”
Nebulon left, grinning. Rakul knew how to motivate his servants. Either with a whip, or the promise of fun. And Nebulon had all the fun.
Now... all he needs is a Daemonette.
“Are we'z dere, yet?”
“For da fifteenf time, boss. NO!!”
“Okay, flashgit Gobroz.”
The group made its way through the jungle, avoiding open spaces. Altian and Gobroz talked about general things, Lokan just walked with Ugu, Nagosh kept asking that question and Kilina and Muskit were still arguing.
Altian just had to ask:
“Why... do you follow a warboss like Nagosh?”
“Well... he iz da biggest.”
“Not just because of things like that. I mean, if what you say about him is true, you could just run away. He wouldn't know.”
“Dat's da fing 'bout ya Eldarz and humiez.”
“Ya alwayz thinkin' 'bout bein' sumwhere where it's betta'. We orks don't care. We'z just live. Plus, I likes da boss. He can be stupid like a squig, but also smart like a grot. And he wants da best for our warband. Even if da best doesn't happen.”
“I see. You orks are perhaps wiser than even we.”
“Well... I know dese fings. Da otha' boyz don't care. Most just care 'bout fightin'. Or how ta get grog.”
“Sometimes, the simple thoughts are better. We are almost there. When I raise my hand, stop and don't move.”
Gobroz looked at Nagosh, who nodded. Nahosh nudged Muskit and told him to shut up.
They walked for another fifteen minutes, when Altian raised his hand. The whole group froze. From the woods around them, the sound of rifles getting ready to shoot came. Gobroz was a bit scared.
From the jungle came a tall figure. He wore green armour with white lines on it. On his helmet was a single, red gem. He spoke:
“Altian... what is the meaning of this?”
“Warlock Ash'nu! We can explain!”
As Eldar rangers appeared from the jungle, Altian told their tale. The unsuccessful ambush, the chaos questioning and the unexpected rescuers. Ash'nu listened carefully. When Altian finished, the warlock showed amusement.
“And you now ant me to heal an ORK?! Preposterous!”
“But they saved us!”
“Perhaps. But they are still barbarians and I will no...”
“Ya know, ya Eldarz fink you'z so smart.” the owner of the voice was Nagosh.
“I darez, cuz any ork cud kick yo arse. Humiez are betta' at fightin'. 'Least dey don't have tanks dat break when ya sneeze.”
“Are you mocking us, ork?”
“Not all of ya. Altian and da two are fine. It's da rest dat makes me sick.”
“What do you want?!”
“I'z want a way ta make ya see us like more dan barboriuns.”
Ash'nu was interested.
“Fine, ork. Three tests. You pass all three, you gain my respect. You fail even one, we kill you.”
Altian wanted to protest, but Nagosh gave him an 'It's okay.' look. The hawk hoped the warboss knew what he was doing.
“Fine. Your first test will be a test of strength.”
Gobroz, Muskit and Ugu looked at Nagosh.
“Yeh, bring it.”
Ash'nu motioned with his hands. A group of three wraithguards showed up, with no weapons. Gobroz knew what those were.
“Dose fings are wraithguarderz! Dey'z tough.”
“Good. More fun.”
Altian, Lokan and Kilina were outraged. Ash'nu and the other Eldar were amused. Gobroz and Muskit were scared. Ugu closed his eyes. And Nagosh?
Nagosh felt like smashin'.
The wraithguards advanced as one. Nagosh caught one by the arm and used him as an improvised club.
He hit the second wraithguard on the head. The force of the blow made it burry into the earth, with only the head above-ground.
The third guard received a thrown 'club' as a present.
Three Eldar, two orks and a squig cheered. One ork made a victory pose. Ash'nu was furious. Other Eldar had mixed feelings of surprise and... respect.
Nagosh was eager to continue.
“Oy! Wot's da next testin'? Dis is lotsa fun!”
Ash'nu triumphantly said:
“A test of mind.”
Nagosh frowned, then looked at Gobroz.
“On it, boss.”
Gobroz came closer to the warlock.
“I will ask you five questions that were prepared by my brethren. Answer all of them.”
“Good. First question. What is the Eye of Terror?”
“Da place were all da chaos boyz come from. It'z all red and swirly.”
Ash'nu looked at the 'jury', which sat behind a long white table was made out of female Eldar. All five nodded.
“Good answer. Question number two. Who are the Necrons?”
“Dose are da metal skeletony boyz, right? Da ones wif da green gunz.”
The jury again nodded.
“Correct,” irritation was in the warlock's voice, “third. Who was Indrick Boreale?”
“Heheheh. Dat humie wuz a SPESS MAHREEN leada' and forcey commanda'. He fought for TEH EMPRAH.”
The jury laughed, then nodded.
“Not bad, ork. Four. Wha... wait!! Who wrote this?!?!?!”
“Fine. Easy one. What is an ork's favourite activity?”
“Easy. Fightin'. Or drinkin'. Or smashin', stompin'...”
“We get it! Fifth and final question. Heheh. How does a D/cannon function?”
Ash'nu smelled victory. Gobroz took a deep breath... and started.
Started a nearly one hour long lecture, in which he told about every aspect of a D-cannon. Parts, function, HOW it functions as well as some other bits, like effect on targets.
The jury was so astonished that it automatically nodded.
Ash'nu was furious, again. Nagosh and Muskit retrieved their jaws form the ground.
Gobroz returned to his group. Nagosh had to ask:
“Where'd ya learn dat, flashgit Gobroz?!”
“I likes readin'. Found a book unda' mek's stuff.”
All of them looked at Ash'nu.
“The final test... is a test... of CUTENESS!!!!”
“Ya totally pulled dat out of yer arse.”
“I do not care. Show me something cute of orkoid origin and I will bow before you!”
Kilina nudged Muskit and they both looked at Ugu. The slugga boy lifted the little black squig and showed it to Ash'nu.
“Dis! Little Ugu!”
“This?! You have got to be...”
“Look at that little thingie!”
Ash'nu turned to see the ex-jury and many more howling banshees and whatnot.
“Yeah! It's SO CUTE!!!”
The group of nearly thirty Eldar '(fan)girls' swarmed Muskit. They threw the ork out of the way and started squeezing Ugu.
Most of the other Eldar sweat dropped. One guardian said:
“Lucky black... ball.”
Ash'nu was left speechless. Nagosh came closer to him.
“I'z think we passed da testin'. Now, will ya fix dis? Oh, don't forget ta bow.”
Nagosh enjoyed every moment of the bow.
Here are quotes, gathered by imperial scholars or any other people. Or Xenos, whatever. They contain the words of many famous or not as famous characters in the galaxy.
“Dey'z retreatin'! But why'z dey retreatin' towardz us?” - slugga boy Muskit
“Don't ask Eldarz questuns. Ya won't unda'stand da answerz.” - warboss Nagosh Ubzug
“If we'z made for fightin' and winnin', why do we'z have morale?” - flashgit Gobroz
“Enemies of the Imperium! Can you shout a bit louder? We can't hear you from up here!” - imperial Warhound titan pilot Akim
“Hmmm... did dis boy have three armz before?” - dok Grimog
“Mutations, mutations! That's all the idiots want! I need a vacation.” - Tzeentch himself
“That's nine executions for today. No one laughs at my hat.” - commissar Anon Ymous' secret logs
“*Roar*” - Ugu, the cute little black squig
Chapta' 5 - Fightin' and likin' it!
A hour had passed. Nagosh stood up and looked at his, now-healed, left side. He was grinning, which showed his tusks. Ash'nu seemed a bit tired.
“There, it is fixed. Ork.”
“Don't fink I'z don't know dat ya don't like me. But we'z gotta work togetha' dis time.”
“Your words show wisdom. Come, your allies need to know what we're facing, too.”
Ash'nu was a bit surprised.
“You are... welcome?”
“Oy! Boss! You'z okay”
Nagosh turned to see Muskit. The slugga boy radiated joy. Gobroz and the rest were close behind.
“'Course I am! No chaos boys are gonna beat me!”
“Glad ta hear dat, boss!”
“Settle! I must tell you about our situation.”
Muskit, Gobroz and Nagosh all sat down. Altian, Kilina and Lokan stayed, too. Ugu sat with Lokan, who kept scratching the squig's head.
“Good. Now... long ago, when the Horus Heresy began...”
“Dis is startin' like a bedtime story.”
“QUIET, NAGOSH!!! Anyway, during that time, when the forces of Chaos manifested, a large force of the Thousand Sons came. The same who you attacked earlier.
“Glad you did. Their forces destroyed unchecked, because the Imperium knew not of them. They created a fortress in the region. Which would not have been uncommon, but they started a strange ritual. We, the Eldar of Biel-tan, felt that something was amiss. We sent our forces to the planet and stopped the Thousand Sons and their ritual, but even we do not know what its purpose was.
“So... wot's da problem? Da chaos boys wud hafta fight humies now... dey'z won't have an easy time makin' sum ritualz.”
“I am afraid that the human forces in the area are insufficient. Our sensors have detected seven Chaos assault-class cruisers. Those have enough forces to wipe out the entire imperial population on the planet. They cannot win this battle alone. That is why we came. To help.”
“Wait... if da chaos boys win... den...”
“They will complete that same old ritual.”
“Why can't dey do it somewhere else?”
“Chaos does have some rules. To the Warp, the ritual is not cancelled. It is merely paused. And we know this is a special, one of a kind rite. If the Thousand sons want to finish the ritual, they have to to do it on Akhalam VI.”
“Strange. Well... we'z gunna help any way we'z can, right boys?”
“Yeh, boss!” Gobroz and Muskit shouted.
“Your help is appreciated. But, as I've heard, your numbers are low.”
“He'z right, boss. We'z got too little boys ta fight.”
“Yeh. And if da Eldar fight, dey die. And dere are too little Eldar already. We'z need more boys!”
Ash'nu was astonished. An ork actually that cared about something else than fighting? He had misjudged Nagosh. Suddenly, a guardian appeared.
“We have detected a large flying object! It is heading for the planet!”
“The Thousand sons?!”
“No, sir. This is something new. And it's big!”
“Let me see!”
The guardian showed them the sensor readings.
“It is increasing in speed... as if it wanted to... RAM the planet.”
“Ram, eh? Sound like somefin' orky.”
They Eldar looked at the orks. Gobroz spoke:
“Da boss is right. Ya know wot we'z mean, yeh?”
“A... spce hulk?”
“Yeh! Dat means, more orks are on da way 'ere! Maybe ya can fight deir boss, boss, and be da new boss!”
“Don't dat seem awfully convenient, flashgit Gobroz?”
“No. We'z just lucky.”
“I guess so.”
“It is breaching the atmosphere!”
The whole Eldar camp watched as a huge object flew over them. It continued on its path, until it hit the ground some miles away, causing a monstrous earthquake. When it ended, Nagosh rose from the ground.
After everyone said yes, Nagosh grinned again.
“Well, let's get goin'! We'z need more boys!”
Muskit, Gobroz and Ugu immediately rose. Altian, Kilina and Lokan rose as well.
“You wish to go with them?”
“As you wish. But be careful.”
As the three Eldar followed the three orks... and Ugu, Ash'nu had a feeling that an uncommon friendship was present.
“How many orks will there be, boss?”
“I dunno, Muskit. I hope there'z a lot of 'em, though.”
“The hulk was quite large. We can assume that there WILL be many.”
“And dat's gud. 'Cause we'z gonna need all da help we'z can get.”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz.”
They reached the end of the jungle. A huge crater was in front of them, the ork space hulk could be seen in its full glory. It wasn't that big, actually, but still easily the size of an imperial cruiser. The seven could see hundreds of orks going out of the hulk, including vehicles killa kans and trukks. In the sea of green, a larger ork could be seen. Larger than his nob bodyguard, he watched the unlooading. He was probably thinking of a big stompin'. Nagosh had other plans.
“He don't look so tough. I'z can take 'im.”
“Ya sure, boss?”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz.”
“And what should we do?”
Nagosh turned to Altian.
“You stay 'ere. When I wave to ya, den ya come. Come on, boys! And Ugu!”
The four made their way into the crater. Other orks that noticed them either just watched, or also readied their weapons. Muskit and Gobroz were getting a bit nervous. Nagosh was grinning like a madman. And Ugu was looking around, seemingly amused.
The orks wore light-blue armour. Their banners had a white skull on them.
“Dey'z got a fumiliar banner, eh Muskit?”
“Yeh. Looks nice and blue, like ours. Dey'z gotta be lucky like us!”
Blue... the ork colour of luck. If it was so, then Da Skull smashaz' luck was restricted to three orks.
The other boss noticed them and started moving.
When he came closer, it could clearly be seen that Nagosh was bigger. Not that much, but still bigger. The other boss wasn't scared, though his nobs were.
“Who are ya?”
“I'z warboss Nagosh Ubzug and dis 'ere is MY planet.”
“O yeh? Well, I'z warboss Abzog Nugush and I sez dat dis is MY planet. And I'z got more boys!”
After that sentence, Gobroz knew the creator of this fic was running out of names.
“O yeh? Well, you'z smalla' den me. Your boys shud follow da biggest ork.”
The mass of orks around them started talking. Some even nodded. Even Abzog's nob bodyguards were considering the words.
“You'z maybe da biggest, but I'z stronga'!”
“Yeh! And I'z gonna fight ya ta prove it!”
Within twenty minutes, orks made an improvised ring for the two bosses.
Nagosh on one side, with a fanclub of... three.
Abzog had a mandatory fanclub of... OVER 9000!!!!
“Writa', dat joke is overused.”
Fine, Gobroz! He had a fanclub of 3000. Happy?!
Anyway, back to where we were before I was so rudely interrupted.
Nagosh looked... like he was having fun.
Abzog was mad, with burning eyes and everything. The smaller boss roared with all his might:
The landscape actually shook, a bit. A tiny bit, but still a bit.
Nagosh was prepared to charge... but then he noticed something. Everyone except for Abzog did. Their sights aimed above.
Abzog looked up, only to see a glint of metal.
As a nearly three ton piece from the space hulk landed on the boss, Gobroz swore to never yell near hulks. Ever. And that this was the shortest battle ever.
Nagosh looked at the hulk-piece and grinned. He then laughed. Gobroz, Muskit and the other orks soon joined in.
Nagosh waved towards the cliffs. Every ork turned. As the three Eldar left their hiding place, some started aiming. A mighty roar stopped:
“WAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! Dere'z gonna be no shootin' right now! Dose pointy helmets are gud!”
Sluggas, shootas, nobs and others looked at him with disbelief. But they listened.
'Cause he was da biggest, so he was da BOSS!!
Nagosh stood on the hulk-piece with a loud 'Speeka' as one of the hulk-meks called it. Gobroz, Muskit and the three Eldar were behind him. Altian and the other two felt kinda... vulnerable. Which was understandable. Nagosh took a deep breath.
“Orks of da Skull smashaz klan! I'z Nagosh Ubzug and I'z wot?”
“Gud! So, I'z wot?”
The orks' voices could be heard for miles.
“Very gud! Now, listen up! I'z got a few new rulez for ya,” Nagosh took out a piece of paper, “one. Ya gitz ain't gonna fight Eldar. No exceptunz. If ya do, I'z gonna personally take yo' 'eads,” orks in the crowd nodded. Altian thought about how Ash'nu would react to that, “two. Ya can fight humies, but only when I sez so, or when deyz attack first. Three. Grots can no longa' be eaten. Or used as bomb pilots,” part of the crowd screamed with joy, “kickin' 'em is still allowed when dey deserve it, though,” part of the crowd started crying, “and last, but not least, four. Da ingrediunts of squig piez are limited to eatin' squigs, ONLY. No otha' type o' squigs can be used in piez.”
Squiggus, the owner of the most profiting squig pie chain on the space hulk, fought tears.
Gobroz turned to Nagosh.
“Boss, ain't ya forgettin' somefin'?”
“Yeh! Thanks, flashgit Gobroz! One more rule, boys! Dis one'z 'bout colourz'! If da klan is painted blue, we'z lucky. But our trukks and kans and stuff needs ta be fast. So, every vehicule has ta be painted red AND blue! Give 'em more red, though. Goin' fasta is gud!” the crowd seemed to be happy with the changes and shouted Nagosh's name.
“Dey'z like ya. Boss!”
“I see dat, Muskit. I'z so moved, I can only say dis,” he lifted da 'Speeka' again, “okay, boys! Let'z move to da Eldar'z camp and den to OUR camp!”
With a loud 'WAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!', the orks started moving.
Ash'nu was surprised beyond words when the ork force strode through the jungle. He was even more surprised when the host didn't start attacking. Then, he saw Nagosh and the others. He sent a 'Hello!' to them and they did the same for him. The six and Ugu then continued towards the ork fort... camp... thing.
Nagosh, Gobroz and Muskit couldn't believe their eyes. Altian knew how they felt.
The whole ork camp was destroyed. Fires, craters where there had been buildings. And bodies. Green bodies. They would have had to rebuild the camp anyay, but seeing it like this was... sad. Nagosh was the first to enter. At first, he saw nothing but wreckage. But then, some of it moved. He quickly ran to it and lifted it. There, he saw the longest-living grot, Drakk.
“Boss! Thank Gork,” Drakk noticed the substantial number of orks, “we'z got new boys?”
“Yeh, but that ain't important! Wot happened 'ere?!”
“Well... we were just doin' stuff. Playin' orkjack and like that. Den, dese humies came.”
“Da onez we'z been fightin'?”
“No, boss. Dese were new. With shiny, yellow armour with blue stripes here and there. Da boys tried ta stop 'em, but dey'z were too strong!
“The Thousand sons...” Altian already wanted to fight.
“Yeh. Chaos boys... anyfin' else?”
“Yeh, boss.” It was a new voice.
Nagosh turned to see the fort's dok, Grimog and its mek, Darug.
“Grimog! Darug! You'z alive!”
“Yeh, boss,” it was Darug, “but we'z got some newz.”
“Dere wuz dis really strong beast-humie with 'em. Killed da nob with one chop of his big axe.”
“What did it look like?” Altian feared the worst.
“Oy! We'z got ol' pointy 'elmetz with us? Gud. Well, he wuz tall, black skin, two big 'orns and red fur on the back.”
“Hmmm... that sounds like a Bloodletter champion. They are rare, but exist.”
“Bloodletta'z are dose ork-big, red daemunz?”
“I see. How many of 'em were dere?”
“'Bout twice as many as our boys, boss.”
Gobroz counted... two mobs... twenty orks each had been in the fort... that means about eighty.
“Dat'z 'bout eighty boys, boss.”
“I see. Okay, we'z gonna do it like dis,” he looked at his new host, “get me two mobs o' sluggas, a mob of shootas and a kan! Da rest o' ya start makin' a bigga' fort,” he then looked at Altian, “you'z comin'?”
Altian looked at Lokan and Kilina, who nodded.
“It would be our pleasure.”
“I'z gonna take that as a yes. Come, flashgit Gobroz, Muskit! We'z gonna stomp some chaos boys!”
The small ork force left the camp. They would find the Thousand Sons no matter what.
Two guardsmen hid behind some rubble. The Thousand Sons' attack had been quick, unexpected and without mercy. They had been overrun. And the two were probably the only imperial survivors in this area. They whispered:
“Damnit! What do we do now?”
“I don't know! They're everywhere!”
“What would commissar Yarrick do?”
Images of untold awesomeness and epicness filled their mind. Such epicness, in fact, that this low-budget (0.000000 dollars) fic would implode if I even tried to describe them. Therefore, if you ain't afraid of your HEAD imploding, imagine them.
Suddenly, they heard a noise. Their cover disappeared in a cloud of plasma. Two rubric marines looked straight at them. They could feel their doom approaching.
The rubrics' guns were aimed. One of the two humans closed his eyes.
“Not so fast, chaos boy!”
The rubric's were caught off-guard. A large barrage destroyed one and the other was heavily damaged.
A huge ork came into view. He raised his chain-choppa and cut the rubric in half. The guardsman were afraid. Weren't the Thousand Sons enough?
The ork looked at them and grinned.
“Don't worry, humies. We'z not 'ere for ya. We'z 'ere for da chaos boys. Go tell your captain or somefin'. Da orks will ally with ya!”
The guardsmen just stood there, with open mouths. Then, they swiftly ran. They would never forget that ork.
Nagosh was full of adrenaline, ready to fight. Gobroz, Muskit, Ugu, their Eldar allies and the boys were behind him. The rubric marines, feeling the fall of two of their own, started converging on their location.
“Yeh! Let'z start fightin'!”
Nagosh moved a bit forward, only to stop. A dark cloud appeared and from it, the daemon Grimog had described. All of the orks stopped.
“Take da mobs and smash da chaos boys. Dis daemun is mine!”
“Okay boss. gud luck.”
The mobs of orks and the three Eldar left the two combatants alone. The sounds of battle could be heard.
“So, we meet, Nagosh Ubzug.”
“How do ya know me, git?”
“I know many things, ork. More than you could even imagine.”
“Yes. But I do not expect you to understand. I was sent to destroy you. I tried to find you at your little camp, but I had no luck. I figured that if I cause enough chaos, you would show up on your own. Though, I did not expect Eldar... or so many extra orks.”
“Ya know, eh?”
“Yes, I am not blind. That space hulk brought a whole tribe, at LEAST. Numbers are meaningless. Once my master finds the place, chaos will prevail.”
“Can ya shut up and jus' start fightin'!?!?!?”
“Hmph!!! Fine! Prepare for your destruction! Prepare for the wrath of Nebulon!”
“Ya talk too much.”
Nebulon raised his axe and charged. Nagosh did the same with his chain-choppa. The two weapons met and the two combatants stood. Nevulon was impressed. The ork could actually withstood his attacks. Impressive.
But he was not here for amusement. This fight would be quick. Warp-magic had been his expertise for long. He warper behind the ork, wanting to kill him.
But Nagosh would not be so easily fooled. He swiftly turned turned around and bashed the Bloodletter on the head. The daemon stumbled. Nagosh used this and grabbed Nebulen, then threw him through the wall of a nearby building.
Suddenly, the whole building collapsed. Nebulon appeared, warp flames around him.
“Uh-oh.” was all Nagosh said.
Gobroz was actually having fun. Shootin' has always been fun, but this was extra fun.
The rubric marines were strong, but too slow. The sluggas bashed them from up close, the shootas kept moving from place to place and the rubric's couldn't hit them. And the kan was just killy.
Altian, Kilina and Lokan were good, too.
Lokan just warped here and there, confusing the rubric's, while Altian came from above and finished them off.
And Kilina was just too nimble with her blade to be hit.
Muskit and Ugu also proved to be a great team. Again. Ugu distracts and Muskit attacks. And the rubric's are stupid enough to shoot each other. But you knew that, didn't you, reader?
There would soon be no more rubric's left.
But then Gobroz saw something in the corner of his eye. It was a pinkish red. And green. He turned. Nebulon was above Nagosh, axe ready.
Muskit, Ugu and the three Eldar turned. The other orks were too busy in battle. All of them ran... but one ran faster than the others.
“Any last words, ork?”
“Yeh. You'z a sneeky git.”
“Why, thank you! Now, DIE!!!”
Nebulon raised his axe. But then, Nagosh spotted something in the air behind Nebulon. His eyes grew wider.
The daemon's curiosity won over his logic. He looked behind... and saw big teeth. Around those teeth was black. And it had two yellow orbs, too. Ugu bit.
Nebulon threw away his axe and started running, arms flailing in random directions. Nagosh just stared. When the others reached the place, they stared as well.
“GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!”
“Dis is quite entartainin', eh boss?”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz. Very entartainin'.”
Nebulon ran here and there for a while, then he finally managed to get Ugu of his face. He had a few marks.
“Damn! Oh, well. Nothing a few days in the warp spa can't fix,” he looked at the group that had assembled, “ummm... I just remembered I have an important appointment at the... warp dentist Toothus the terrible... yeaaaah. SEE YA LATER!!!!”
Nebulon quickly picked up his axe. Before Gobroz's shots could reach the daemon, he was gone in a dark cloud.
“Well, dat wasn't bad. Actuelly kinda fun.”
“Yeh, boss. Muskit, Ugu was a gud boy.”
“Yeh! And he'z gonna get more meaty bits for that!”
Ugu screeched, then jumped on Muskit's shoulder and licked his face.
“Stop it, dat ticklees!”
Ugu then jumped on Kilina's shoulder and did the same. Only licked the helmet, though.
The little squig then just landed on the ground. Nagosh started laughing. The ork mobs came, almost every ork carrying some kind of trophy.
“DAMNIT! NOT as planned! Hanumos, get me some tea! Horror flavour!”
The lord of change quickly left its master alone. Tzeentch currently had the form of a three-headed avian with four sets of colour-changing wings. Tzeentch said it was his favourite form.
The god of change cancelled the image. He was frustrated enough already.
“What's the matter, Tzeentchey?” came a female voice. Tzeentch knew it only too well.
“Slaanesh! How many times have I told you to not add that 'ey' at the end of my name!?”
She, which is a relative term, since she can swich genders, appeared. Long purple hair. One of her eyes was yellow, the other was black. With a... revealing, robe. Her skin was a light brown.
“I forgot, Tzeentchey. Geez, you don't have to be such a grouch!”
“She has a point, Tzeentch.”
One of his heads looked at the new intruder.
Blood-red armour, with a skull-like helmet. His teeth were bloody. A massive sword was on his back.
“Don't even think about it, Slaanesh. My name sounds like you know what when you do that.”
“Well, okay Khorne. What took ya so long to get here.”
“Mister change here has too many frikin' lairs. Had to smash a few of the wrong ones. Sorry, Tzeentch.”
“No apology needed.”
“They'll just regrow.”
“Why the heck do your lairs regrow?!”
“Because last time Slaanesh made you drink all of that Super beer, you smashed ALL of them.”
“What are you two doing here, anyway?”
“You mean three, Tzeentch? *cough*”
The god of change's third head looked at a big, green, bloated creature. Nurgle...
“Nurgle? Okay, what is going on here?!”
“Calm down, Tzeentchey.”
“Yeah. Slaanesh here just heard you scream. Which had to be quite a sound for it to be louder than the... OTHER noises from her citadel.”
“Umm... she called me and Nurgle here and we came to ckeck on you. So, what's wrong?”
“Well... thanks. It is just that my followers are... having trouble.”
“With what? *cough*”
“They cannot secure a certain location. Eldar and orks are in their way.”
“Ooooh! I like Eldar! They're so handsome!”
“Riiiigghhhht. Orks ain't bad either. At least they can fight.”
“Yes, yes. The strange thing is, that these two groups fight together. No in-fighting.”
“Interesting. No bloodshed coming from orks. Interesting.”
Nurgle vomitted on the floor.
“DUDE!! I just finished cleaning!”
“*cough* Sorry... *cough*... Tzeentch. So, what do you want to do?”
“I... do not know.”
“Did I hear right? Tzeentchey doesn't have a plan?”
“Well, there is one.”
“Tell us! Tell us!”
“Okay! Calm down! You REALLY should inhale less of those special plants. Anyway, I have an important asset on the planet. It could prove beneficial to all of us.”
“Oh, I see where you're goin'. You want our forces to help your forces, eh?”
“You understood perfectly, Khorne.”
“That sounds like fun, Tzeentchey! Whaddaya say, Khorne? Nurgley?”
“*cough* Yes, that would be... *cough* splendid.”
“Yeeees! More blood for me!”
“Excellent. The Thousand Sons are already in place. Who will be next?”
Which meant 'Who will receive a psychic signal telling them to go to Akhalam VI?'.
Slaanesh raised her arms. Her eyes glowed purple.
“Hear me... my devoted. Emperor's Children. There is great fun to be had on Akhalam VI. Join with some others and party hard!
Tzeentch raised three eyebrows, but remained silent.
Khorne was next. His blood-red eyes glowed.
“Listen to me! Eaters of worlds! Killers of thousands! There is great bloodshed to be had on Akhalam VI. Join with the weaker ones and show them how to wreak havoc!”
The three others looked at Khorne.
“What?! Have to motivate them somehow!”
“Whatever. Nurgle, you are left.”
“Yes, *cough*” papa Nurgle's eyes glowed in a sickly green, “hear me! My children! *cough* The Death Guard is needed to spread the gifts of Nurgle on Akhalam VI. *cough* Many will join you and you will together spread death!”
All of Tzeentch's heads nodded.
“Excellent. So far, just as planned.”
“Yeah. But I could really use some blood beer.”
“Your tea, your changeliness!” Hanumos had finally returned.
Tzeentch extended one of his many arms and took the coop. He sipped it, one head at a time.
Here are quotes, gathered by imperial scholars or any other people. Or xenos, whatever. They contain the words of many famous or not as famous characters in the galaxy.
"Sindriiiiii!" - chaos lord Bale
"Because of you, we've lost a temple!" - chaos lord Crull, even though it was HIS fault for being such an idiotic leader
"METAL BOXEEEEEES!!!" - chaos lord Firaveous Carron on Rhinos
"Why am I the only sane, competent chaos lord in these frikin' games?!" - Eliphas the Inheritor on above idiots
"Why do I worship Slaanesh? Ain't it frikin' obvious?!" - chaos marine surrounded by Daemonettes
"Zerg rush!!!" - Maximus Geekymus, chapter master of the Comp Marines on Tyranids
"Good. VERY good." - ANYONE on Daemonettes
"Macha is too hot to not get laid, /tg/!" - me on absurd MEME.... wait... pretend you didn't read this.
Chapta' 6 - Fightin' wif friendz!
“What is it, master?”
“Well, not only did your little raid end in failure...”
“Whatever. Now, I've got three fleets that came here to help us.”
“But... master... isn't that good?”
“Perhaps. But they are fleets from the three other 'elite' legions. The Emperor's Children, the Death Guard and the World Eaters.”
“And that is bad, because...?
“Because this means the other guys want a piece of our reward. Or they just want to prove who's the biggest. Biggest arsehole, if ya ask me.”
“I see. I was sent to inform you that the leaders of the individual forces sent here wish to meet with you. Strategy plannin' and stuff.”
“Oh, boy. When will they come?”
“Ummm.... they're already here.”
“What?! When did you want to tell me?!”
“Whatever. Lead me to 'em.”
Rakul and Nebulon walked towards the ship's quest chamber. As they got closer, laughter could be heard.
“What is it, master?”
“I can never forget that laughter. Heheheh.”
Rakul opened the door. There, three figures stood. Figures he knew only too well.
A Khorne commander in red armour, like most others. A mighty hammer was on the man's back, his helmet had ten horns on it. His eyes shone with blue. Sangus the generic.
A Nurgle sorcerer who wore a sturdy set of power armour. His staff was made of a rare kind of swiftly-regrowing wood. On the staff's top was a black gem. His helmet had no horns on it, but he had a long, torn cape. And torn capes are AWESOME. Morbus the itchy.
And then there was the slaanesh lord. His armour was painted in many different colours, each symbolising an emotion... at least, Rakul thought they did. The lord's exotic power chain blade hung by his side. Which is NOT like a chain sword. It was a sword made of smaller parts that could be extended. A warrior with such a weapon could hit an enemy several metres appart. And since it was a power weapon, it has a -2 armour modifier, what's not to like? The lord wore not a helmet, but a Eldar Harlequin-like mask. Carito the picky had always told Rakul that he loved how the masks looked.
“Well, look what the chaos cat's dragged in!”
“Well, excuse me, Rakul! I thought you would be happy to see my beautiful self and these two.”
“I sure am, Carito! Come here, guys!”
The four chaos leaders came together and clasped hands, laughing. Nebulon was more than just confused.
“Master? You know them?”
Rakul turned to him, grinning.
“Why, yes. We were in the same advanced summoning class. Oh, sorry. Guys, this is my best daemon, Nebulon”
The three gave Nebulon slight bows.
“Thank you. But, why would a khornate want to summon daemons?”
Sangus seemed amused.
“Because I can't be arsed to call a different sorcerer to do it. Plus, it's fun.”
“Riiight... what were you summoning, anyway?”
“Well, Nebulon,” it was Morbus, “ Khorne'ssss beastssss, papa Nurgle'ssss sssstuff... Daemonettessss... you know, regular thingssss.”
“Yes. We got to know each other there. It was a delicious time, indeed.”
“Everything's delicious for you, Carito.”
“Well, that was more delicious than some other stuff, Rakul.”
The four laughed again. Nebulon thought it was a little awkward. Rakul then spoke again:
“Well, then. Let's get down to business. I could REALLY use help from some competent leaders.”
The four started planning the invasion. Nebulon stood close by... until he noticed something in a door on the opposite side of the room.
He went through the door and there... he saw an empty hallway. A noise behind him made him turn. It was a Daemonette. One he knew well.
“Why, Mithara! I didn't expect to see you here.”
“I bet you didn't, you handsome Bloodletter, you. Heh. You wanna have some fun? ”
“What kind?” Nebulon was grinning.
“You ever hear the Children boys play music? They rock. Literally. Wanna come with me?”
The two daemons left... hand in hand, strangely.
WHAT DID YOU THINK SHE WAS GONNA SAY, PERVERT?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Akhalam VI, PDF HQ:
“So, you offer us aid?”
“Yes, you are in a time of need. The Eldar will help you.”
“Yeh, what he said. We'z gonna help ya wif da fightin'!”
Alix Mossiv had seen many things in his younger days. From squig-hair to Gargants. But an Eldar-ork-human alliance? Unheard of.
“Well, do ya accept, humie?”
He was silent for a moment. Then:
“Yes. I agree. We'll show the forces of Chaos not to mess with us, eh?”
“Yeh! I'z like were dis is goin'!”
Gobroz suddenly ran into the room.
“Wot is it, flashgit Gobroz?”
“Da chaos boys! Hearin' dat they'z attackin'! I hear dere'z more!”
“What!?” Ash'nu was nervous now.
“Dere'z da onez we fought before. Den I heard some guardies sayin' dat there were red, green and purple onez too!”
“What guardsmen, Gobroz!”
“Da onez dat had ta retreet, Ash'nu!”
“Darnit,” Alix turned on all commucations, “report!”
From nowhere in particular, the voice of Anon Ymous came. It was kinda fuzzy.
“We *Static* multiple Chaos *Static* everywhere *Static* 9-Z! *Static* tried *Static* eak through, *Static* too many!”
“Fiddlesticks! Enemy numbers and type?”
“*Static* elite legio *Static* several thou *Static* NEED REINFORCEMENTS!!!”
“Signal lost!” came from one of the operators
“That can't be good! Can you defeat that many?”
Ash'nu and Nagosh looked at each-other, then back.
“Well, it is obvious that we are fighting the World Eaters, the Death Guard, the Emperor's children AND the Thousand sons. Individually, they are strong, but together...”
“Yeh. Plus, if dey'z fightin' togetha, dat rituel fingy has ta be VERY important.”
“You'z right, flashgit Gobroz!”
“But can you defeat them?”
“Even with your guardsmen as aid, I... do not know. We do not know if this is their main force, or if they have more troops in reserve.”
“I'z gonna say... we'z need help!”
“Quite right,” Alix turned to an operator, “is there anyone friendly close to us?”
The operator clicked some buttons on his computer. After a minute:
“Yes! We have two space marine cruisers within six hours of travel!”
“That is excellent! Who are they?”
“The one further from us belongs to the Ultramatines. The other one, which can be here in two hours belongs to... oh Emperor!”
“It belongs to... them.”
The operator whispered into Alix's ear. The general was instantly more pale.
“Emperor grant us his blessing... but we need all the help we can get. Request aid from both. And tell them about our unlikely aid.”
The operator nodded. After a wile, he turned back to the general.
“Both have accepted. The Ultramarines with 'We will aid you! Hold them off until we arrive.' the others with this.”
The operator read the answer. It contained so much swearing, that another operator's head exploded.
“Who in the name of Eldrad is coming to help us, general?!”
“You will know soon enough, I'm afraid. Now, I need you to help my men hold the invaders back!”
“Yeh! Let'z go, flashgit Gobroz! We need da boys!”
The two went outside, where Muskit, Ugu, Altian, Lokan and Kilina waited, along with some guardsmen. The humans' attention was on Kilina. Before leaving, Kilina shouted:
“See ya later, boys! ”
Half of the guardsmen fainted. Altian commented:
“You like doing that, don't you?”
“Nope. I LOVE it!”
She laughed. Altian loved that laughter.
The noise marine that came to inform them seemed hyper. But don't they seem hyper all the time?
“Yes?” Rakul awaited the best news.
“We have pushed back the enemy forces in the sector. We found the fortress and its inner temple.”
“Excellent! Secure the area, we will send more troops shortly.”
“As you wish, my lord.”
The noise marine left.
“Finally! My mission will be complete! Heheheheh. And the Imperium will have MUCH more trouble.”
“Firsssst we have to finisssh your ritual.”
“Perhaps, Morbus. But that is merely a matter of time.”
“Perhapssss. What issss the statussss on the other thing?”
“Do not worry about that. Carito is personally making sure it is done right. Our extra helper will be here in no time.”
“Good to hear. Where did Sangusss go, anyway?”
“I think he said something about summoning... and the only things he summons are Daemonettes... only lessons he paid attention on.”
“Ah, yessss. Heheheheheheh. Good timessss.”
“Indeed. The only one who's missing now is Nebulon.”
“Don'tcha know? I heard ssssome sssslaaneshi boyssss talkin' bout a black Bloodletter with a Daemonette. At their concert. The two sssseemed to be havin' fun.”
“Oh, really? Seems even Nebulon has some secrets. Heheheh.”
“Ya redy, boys?”
“Yeh, boss. Redy for stompin', smashin' and winnin'!”
“Gud! Flashgit Gobroz, wot are da Eldar an' humies sayin'?”
Gobroz was the only one smart enough to carry a communicator.
“Dey'z sayin' we'z shud attack first. Den dey'll come and help us.”
“'Kay. Muskit, what 'bout Ugu?”
“He'z okay and redy for bitin'!”
“Gud! Now. Dere'z gonna be lots of chaos boys dere. Don't leave many for anyone else! We'z gonna have some fun!”
No attack is complete without yellin', no?
The orks ran out of their hiding place... the never-ending jungle of doom. Only to realise they were on the wrong side of the damned thing.
So... after two hours... of FAST walkin', they ran out on the right side.
As soon as they came within a mile of the chaos forces, loud shots were heard.
“Boss! I'z know dat sound...”
“Stupid big gunz!”
The shells landed killing some orks. But this time, the orks were too many to be destroyed.
“Blood for the blood god!”
Berzerkers appeared out of ruined buildings and bunkers. They ran towards the ork horde without fear. The two forces clashed.
The berzerkers were better, but they were greatly outnumbered.
“Get back, ya bloody fools! Let us make some racket.”
The berzerkers reluctantly retreated. Incredibly loud... sounds came from the noise marines. But not even those could stop the orks.
The noise marines, being the sissies that they are, retreated. Against the orks now stood a joint force of plague and rubric marines.
“Dis ain't so bad, boss!”
Every ork proved to be a good fighter. Rubric and plague marines alike were torn to pieces, but there were many fallen orks, as well. And then... came Chaos armour.
Over twenty defilers, backed up by four predator tanks and three chaos dreadnaughts. Sure, the orks had tankbustin' weaponry... but that was still a lot of firepower.
Shots flew through the air. Gobroz, Muskit, Ugu and Nagosh stood in the firing line of a predator autocannon. And those things aren't very kind to flesh.
“I liked havin' ya as a boss, boss.”
“Thanks, flashgit Gobroz.”
Just as the tank wanted to fire:
“Strike for Baharroth!”
As haywire grenades fell from the sky, followed by lasfire, Gobroz knew that the Eldar had arrived. Artillery shots that hit the ENEMY told him that the PDF was making its move, too.
Warp spiders appeared behind a group of plague marines and unleashed death. Though, papa Nurgle' boys were already kinda dead... whatever, you get the point, right?
Falcon grav-tanks flew over the landscape and landed. From them, groups of howling banshees, dire avengers and many more Eldar aspects exited.
The battle continued. Loses were on both sides, though the forces of Chaos seemed to be loosing.
The PDF guardsmen came to the battlefield. They aimed their flas... lasguns and shot, heating up enemy armour to the level of 'Annoying'.
“Dis is fun!”
“Yeh, flashgit Gobroz!”
Suddenly, a whole squad of guardsmen was cut down. An only too familiar entity appeared. The Bloodletter champion stood. Nebulon looked quite menacing.
“Oy! It'z da one dat talks lots!”
“Yes, warboss. And today, I shall be the victor.”
Muskit, Gobroz and Ugu were there in seconds. Altian, Kilina and Lokan were close behind.
“I'z don't fink so. You'z just one.”
“Perhaps. But I have some aid,” Nebulon touched his ear,”defilers, FIRE!!!”
Four loud 'booms'. Three shots missed, but the fourth one landed on their location.
Nagosh looked around.
“Yeh, boss.” shouted Gobroz.
The three Eldar nodded, as well. Then, a scream pierced the air:
The five turned. Muskit stood above the little squig. It didn't move.
“Stupid thing deserved it! You know how much those teeth hurt?!”
“You'z gonna...” started Nagosh, but he was interrupted by a loud scream.
Muskit's eyes were red. The ork ran straight for Nebulon, whose eyes grew wide.
Muskit tackled Nebulon, who was sent straight through a building. Before the daemon could even stand up, he was pummelled by a flurry of mighty blows and was then kicked into another building. Muskit's berzerker rage left.
Meanwhile, Nebulon considered a tactical retreat as his best option. And so he was gone, with the help his trademark cloud of smoke.
A group of rubric's converged on Muskit, weapons ready. Suddenly, a large, yellow space marine drop-pod landed on them. No survivors. The pod's doors opened and out went a figure in yellow armour. A... large wrench in his hand and a angryfaic as a mask!
More drop-pods landed and more of the marines exited. Together, they shouted:
“Always angry, all the time!!!!!!!”
And that was how the angry marines had joined the battle for Akhalam VI. The marine with the angryfaic came closer to Muskit. Nagosh and the others were there in seconds.
“So, you are THE MOTHER*BEEP*S that we were supposed to SAVE THE ARSES of?”
“Yeh.... why'z ya swearin',” Gobroz was intrigued, “And why'z ya bein' censored?”
“Why? WHY?! I'LL TELL YOU WHY YOU FU*BEEP* EXCUSE FOR A FIGHTER!!! I SWEAR BECAUSE I DO!!! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, YOU CAN KISS MY ARSE!!! AND I'M BEIN' CENSORED, 'CAUSE THE SICK FU*BEEP* WRITER IS TOO STUPID TO GIVE THIS SH*BEEP* A 'T' RATING!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I understandz... I think.”
“That's good. BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T, I'D PUT MY FOOT SO DEEP INTO YOUR...!!!!!”
“I getz it! Calm down!”
“Enuff, ya two! We'z need ta fight da chaos boys AND get Ugu ta safety!”
“Boss is right, Gobroz. I'z need ta take him ta dok Grimog. He'll know wot ta do!!”
“Yeh, you'z do dat! Quick!”
Muskit didn't need to be told twice.
“So, how do ya want ta beat da chaos boys?”
“I'M GONNA TEAR THEM A NEW ARSE HOLE, THAT'S HOW!!!!! BY THE WAY, name's Skalius the slightly ANGRIER!!!!”
The angry marine ran off. Nagosh looked at Gobroz. The flashgit was just as surprised as him. The group joined the fight soon afterwards.
“'Kay, so dis 'ere is a Mork gargant, and dis 'ere is a Gork gargant... Dey'z pretty same-lookin'.” -flashgit Gobroz on gargants
“Orks are the scourge of the galaxy... but their beer ain't half-bad!” - guardsman from the 665th 'Fungusmen' regiment.
“It's... itchy.” - plague marines
“Damn... I need to scratch my butt.” - Blood Angels' chaplain Icaron during a battle
“What's my quote doing here?!” - Kalish, lord of the Necromorphs
Chapta' 7 - Ridin' and fixin'
Khorne woke up. His first look at the room around told him, that he was still in Tzeentch's lair. But his memories... were kinda vague. He remembered the calling of the legions... but not much after that.
“What happe...” he looked to the left. Next to him, laid Slaanesh, in the 'she' form, “on second though.... I don't want to know.”
A terrible roar suddenly made the whole warp shake. Slaanesh woke up.
“Is it me, or was that Tzeentchey?”
“Yep. Let's go see what disturbed his paranoid noggin again.”
On the way, they met papa Nurgle and all three entered the main 'planning room'.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAS!!!!! PLAAAAAAAAANED!!!!!!!”
The god of change gathered warp energy in his hand and released it. Hanumos barely dodged and the orb annihilated a part of the wall... which regrew, of course.
“Okay, Tzeentchey... what went wrong this time?”
He looked at the three, rage evident in his six eyes.
“They got help! From space marines!”
“Oh, yeah? Which ones, oh 'schemer'?”
“The Ultrasmurfs arrived about an hour ago. But that ain't the worst thing! Before them... arrived.... the ANGRY MARINES.”
“Oh, those dudes? They're cool. What's so bad about them?”
“They always ruin my plans, Khorne! And then write 'OWNED' all over my altars!
“Don't you worry, Tzeentchey! Once my champion enters the battlefield, not even they will be able to stop us.”
“I hope so...”
The four gods then resumed their normal activities.
Tzeentch played chess with Hanumos. Khorne and Nurgle kept arguing about who's the better god. And Slaanesh... watched Khorne...
The ork fort... camp... thing had changed dramatically.
It was easily four times as large. Tall, garbage pile-like towers watched over the land around it. Everywhere hung blue banners with black skulls and a badly drawn foot. And not so many orks... most were at the front lines. Nagosh always left sentries, though.
But that ain't important. You're wonderin' about what's gonna happen to Ugu, eh?
Muskit ran towards the only place where the little, barely alive, squig could get some help. Dok Grimog's... surgery. Even though a cruel option, it was Ugu's only chance. Muskit ran so fast that he rammed straight through a trukk that was in his way, to the jaw-dropping of orks around.
He smashed the dok's doors and gently put Ugu on Grimog's table. The dok was happy.
“Oooooooh! Fresh mea... patiunt? I'z can make so many improvmentz!”
“Grimog! Stop muckin' about and start fixin' Ugu! And I'z don't want ANY cybery stuff!”
“But dat's all da fun!”
“No CYBERY stuff!! Just fix 'im!”
“Well.... okay. But you'z hafta' wait outside!”
Muskit left the room. When outside, he started counting seconds. And he counted... and counted... AAAAAAANNNNNNNNNND counted...
Meanwhile, forward BoP (Base of Operations) outside chaos-controlled territory:
Skalius was irritated... which was rare. He was normally filled with unspeakable RAAAAAAAAGE. He, Nagosh, Gobroz, Alix, Ash'nu and the now-saved Anon Ymous, were deciding how to strike the chaos entrenchments. And then... came the Ultramarine commander, Rightius Codexus.
“OH, FOR THE LOVE OF FU*BEEP*!!!! I HAD HOPED, THAT THE SMURFS WOULDN'T COME TO FU*BEEP* UP OUR INCREDIBLY FU*BEEP* AWESOME STRATEGY!”
“And a good day to you, brother. I am glad that you accept our aid.”
“GO FU*BEEP* YOURSELF, 'TARD!!!!”
To most, this would like provoking on the side of the Ultramarine. But... Rightius had fought with the angriest of the angry many times before. It was a secret, but the swearing and pointless shouting of the angry ones was actually a... different sort of imperial gothic. Only understood by the Angry marines themselves, or those that had been with them for some time.
“Thank you, brother. Now, as I understand, the chaos forces are performing a ritual? One that, and I am judging by the force sent here, could endanger the Imperium as a whole? Which is also the reason why we gained such... unlikely allies.”
“Yeh, dat's 'bout it. We'z were just plannin' da attackin'. Wanna 'elp?”
“By all means. Even the Codex says I should!”
Gobroz looked at him kinda... differently. But the planning soon commenced.
“So,” it was Alix, “who will fill in our new ally?”
“I'll DO THE FU*BEEP* FILLING!!!! Anyway,” Skalius pointed next to a mountain range on their map, ”this is WHERE THE MOTHER*BEEP* HAVE THEIR PIECE OF SH*BEEP* BASE,” now he pointed at three hills around the fortress, “and these ARE FU*BEEP* MINI-BASES. MOST OF THEIR USELESS, IDIOTIC, SH*BEEP* IDIOTS ARE THERE, NOT LETTING US THROUGH, THE FU*BEEP* BASTARDS.”
“Thank you for the information, brother.”
“I'LL FU*BEEP* UP YOUR WHOLE UNIT, BI*BEEP*!”
“Anyway, we seem to have quite an opposing force... let's see...,” he takes a large book... out of nowhere, seemingly, and starts reading. After a while, ”I've got it! Citation: When facing foes that have a fortress next to a mountain range and which is surrounded by three hill-forts, split your force into three groups and attack all three hill-forts at once, splitting the enemy forces.”
Nagosh was surprised.
“Wot else does dat bookie have?”
“Everything, my friend. From attack strategies to recipes for the most delicious foods. The Codex Astartes is simply flawless.”
“YEAH, YOU CAN EVEN FU*BEEP* USE IT AS TOILET PAPER!!!!”
“Or as fuel for a fire in the case of extreme cold, as stated in paragraph 365, brother.”
“I FU*BEEP* HATE THAT BOOK!!! IT'S REALLY GOT MOTHER*BEEP* EVERYTHING!!!!”
“Indeed, brother. Now, how shall we assault?”
With nods, 'Yeh's and one 'OKAY, FU*BEEP* BI*BEEP*-SMURF!!!', they started planning.
The following are reports from all three battlefields:
First we shall examine the Ultramarines' battle.
“According to the Codex, the enemy will not expect an attack from the rear. But, since we have no means of getting there... we will have to bend a rule, ” other Ultramarines soldiers looked at Rightius, burning hatred in their eyes, “just kidding! The Codex says: Attack from the front!”
And so they did. Their mighty soldiers clashed with the chaos forces and utterly annihilated the heretics. Teh Emprah gave them his blessing. The day was full of AWESOME.
On a side note, Ultramarines RULE!!!!
On the orky side of the mess:
“Flashgit Gobroz? Are da boys redy?”
“Yeh, boss. We'z gonna attack wif our rokkit boys first. Den, da kans and trakks will come and make uz an openin'. And DEN, da trukks (which is not the same as trAkks) will bring da boys and dere will be lotsa' fightin'! Once we'z have da chaos boys distrected, da Eldar and guardies will come and join da fun!”
“Gud! I hope Muskit got to da fort in time.”
“Yeh. Now, boss. It's time!”
“Okay,” Nagosh took the infamous speeka, “attack, boys! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!”
Stealth wasn't very orky. And since some chaos marines wet themselves because of the sheer volume of the roar, who needs stealth?
Rokkit boys landed right on top of the support Noise marines. Berserkers went to the back, only to get shot, sliced and diced by kans and trakks. Then came the boys and Nagosh... and Gobroz, of course.
Eldar came from the shadows, bombarded Chaos from the sky. Imperial guardsmen heated up armour, again.
And the last, but not the least angry side:
“They come! Gut them! Blood for the Blood gooood!!!”
The berserkers charged from their bunkers. Then... there was silence. The Khornates returned moments later, screaming 'Screw the Blood god!'. Behind them was a mass of yellow and red armour, decorated with angry faces.
The angry ones carried power bats, wooden planks with nails, double powerfists, power wrenches and other powerful weapons. Terminator squads, decorated with the banners of 'FU*BEEP* YOU!!!' appeared behind enemy lines, raining death with their plasma nail cannons and stomping anything with their power feet.
Their rhinos used the angry machine spirit to create walls of pure RAGE, that burned all foes.
Chaos was fu*BEEP*ed.
What?! Even I'm getting censored now? Fiddlesticks!
On second thought, Angry marines RULE!!!
For all you non-believers, the angry ones use the same weaponry as described above. It's in their codex! Make your tabletop Angry marines, TODAY!!! And if you do, make commissar Fuklaw, kay?
Anyway, where was I?
Ah, yes. The angry ones then proceeded to write 'OWNED' all over the place.
Back at the ork fort... camp... thing:
Muskit was on the number 5327. He suddenly heard a loud crash from inside the surgery. The ork quickly ran in.
“Dok! Wha....” his eyes trailed upwards and his jaw fell to the floor.
“I dunno wot happened! I'z just gave 'im mah REALLY speciul brew!”
The now-beast roared, making the land shake. A massive tongue, larger than Muskit himself, then licked both orks.
“Dat was... cutez.”
“It IS Ugu! Come on, ya squig! We hafta help da boss!”
Ugu lowered his monstrous head and Muskit climbed on. The duo left, stompin' all in their path.
The four Chaos commanders and Nebulon were in the secondary summoning chamber, where the OTHER ritual was under way. And it would soon be complete. Akitol entered the room.
“Enemy forces have overrun our positions! They will soon assault the fortress itself!”
“Troubling. But not for long, heheheheh. Carito?”
“Yeees! He shall arrive in minutes! Hit it, boys!!!”
A group of Noise marines had set up a stage. They had bizarre instruments. They started playing. And their singer soon begun:
*Out of the mists of Chaos he riiiiiiides,*
*bike in his crotch and sword at his siiiide,*
He took a deep breath:
*Na na, na na,*
*Na na, na na,*
*He fights his own war, takes his oooooown track,*
*if he doesn't bail, he might make his poooooooints back!*
*Na na, na na,*
*Na na, na na,*
*Son of Slaanesh, full of desiiiiiiire,*
*he does cocaine and his head's on fiiiiiiiire!!!*
(Song does not belong to this meaningless writer... this ain't the whole song, anyway.)
At that moment, the room shook. From a cloud of purple smoke, appeared an armoured figure with a flaming skull for a head, on which there were two horns. His black armour had bits of purple here and there. The mark of Slaanesh was visible on his pauldrons. It screamed:
“Oh, heck yeah!!! It's been so long since ol' Doomrida's been called from the warp! Years, I tell you! So,” he turns to the group, “you're the guys who got me out?”
Rakul was delighted.
“Yes, daemon prince. We require your aid in the coming battle.”
“The Ultramarines, the Angry marines, PDF forces, orks and Eldar. And they are all allied together.”
“Sounds like loads of fun! I'm in!”
And Doomrider walked with them outside.
Once there, he stopped and raised his hands to the sky. A purple bike appeared next to him, with the marks of Slaanesh. Its armaments were a pair of melta guns and two blades at the front. Doomrider liked ramming stuff.
“I love this machine. But I can't have all the fun, can I? Hahahahahahah!!!! Come to me!”
Over a hundred more bikes appeared in the open area within the fortress' walls. More surprising, however, was the unit of Daemonettes, that appeared with them.
All of them wore black leather suits and purple helmets. Each also carried a power sword... either as a separate item, or as part of their arm. One of the Daemonettes came closer.
“Hahahahahahah!!! We're going to ride out and show the corpse's boys who's boss! And squash some Eldar and orks while we're at it!!”
“Understood,” she turned to the rest, ”you heard the master! On your bikes!”
The Daemonettes listened and were on their machines in seconds. The fortress' gates opened and the bikers charged into battle, Doomrider first.
Rakul looked at Akitol and spoke:
“Send them some aid. Half of our reserves should suffice.”
Akitol, the faithful servant, left.
Nebulon noticed, thanks to his above-awesome eyesight, Mithara in the force that followed Doomrider.
“May I join the attack?”
“Ummm.... no particular reason.”
Rakul thought he knew why Nebulon was so eager to go into battle.
“But of course. Just be careful, kay?”
And the daemon left in his trademark cloud of smoke.
“Now all we need is... Sangus? Why are you staring into nothingness?”
“I want that many Daemonettes...”
The allies met at another forward BoP.
“FOR THE LOVE OF THE FU*BEEP* EMPRAH!!! LET'S JUST FU*BEEP* STORM THAT PIECE OF SH*BEEP* SANDCASTLE OF THEIRS!!!”
“We will, brother. Be patient. Our troops need to regroup.”
“The angry mon'keigh is right. The more we wait, the closer they are to completing the ritual. We must strike now!”
“We'z wud be more den happy ta do dat, Ash'nu. But even da orks need some restin'. 'Specially since most of mah boys are a bit drunk right now. Celebratunz.”
“They celebrate too early! We still must stop the ritual!”
“Wot are dey gonna do? Send a daemun princy?!”
Anon Ymous ran into the room.
“What are you talking about, old chap?!”
“Scouts report that a large number of chaos Daemonette bikers are heading our way! And their leader is none other than the... Doomrider! And more Chaos reinforcements are close behind.”
“THAT FU*BEEP* GAYTARD, THAT RIDES THE BADASS BIKE?”
“FU*BEEP* YEAH!!! THIS'LL BE FUN! LET'S KICK HIS ARSE!!!”
“I agree, brother! And the Codex does, too! To battle!”
Nagosh and Gobroz quickly ran outside and started waking the boys. The Ultramarines and Angry marines readied their forces, as did the Eldar and the PDF.
The bikes approached. Skalius wasn't the least bit impressed. He cried to his men:
“I HATE BEATING BI*BEEP*, BUT WE HAVE NO FU*BEEP* CHOICE!! ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIIIIIIIIME!!!!”
His troops screamed the same over and over again.
“Hear me, my brothers! We shall not falter, for we are his finest! And the Codex says we must not be defeated! Hold your ground!”
The Ultramarines took out their heaviest weapons. Nothing would get through.
Nagosh looked at his still half-drunk boys. He then looked straight at the daemon prince of Slaanesh, Doomrider.
“Okay boys! You'z can take da Deamonettiez! But da one wif da 'orns is mine!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Nagosh then tore a nearby lamp post out of the ground and charged.
Doomrider was enjoying himself... until his head collided with a steel pole and he was thrown of his bike. He looked up to see a huge ork. The rest of the ork force just passed the two.
“You'z don't look so tuff.”
“Heheheh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You have no idea what you're up against, ork!!”
“We'll see 'bout dat!”
Chain choppa met corrupted power sword. Nagosh held his ground, but... Doomrider was incredibly powerful.
“You cannot defeat me! I am a chosen of Slaanesh!!!”
A wave of pure force sent Nagosh to the ground.
“Dat ain't fair...”
“Doomrider doesn't play fair!! He just wants to have fun!”
“Does dis qualify?”
A large barrage of AP bullets showered Doomrider. He stumbled and turned.
“Flashgit Gobroz!!! Good goin'!”
Nagosh used this opportunity and tackled Doomrider, who was sent into the air. And he stayed there for a bit, thanks to Altian. The hawk let the daemon prince go. As soon as Doomrider got up, Lokan teleported around him, delivering shot after shot, while dodging the rider's slashes.
Lokan disappeared for the last time. Kilina emmitted a terrible shriek. Doomrider touched a place where his ears should have been. A swearing yellow suit with a powerfist and power wrench appeared.
“TAKE THIS, SON OF A BI*BEEP*!!!”
Several mighty blows with Skalius' power wrench and a single punch made Doomrider a bit dizzy. Rightius finished the massive combo with a single mighty swing of his daemonhammer, Awesomeness.
The rider looked at the group of warriors, then at the battlefield around. Losses on both sides, but the Chaos forces forces were being pushed back. Nagosh spoke:
“Ain't so tuff now, eh?”
Doomrider seemed to be amused.
“Wot's so funny?”
“You think you've won?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! I have one more ace up my sleeve! Come to me!”
From nowhere, a massive construct, three times larger than a land raider, appeared. It stood on two legs. Its chest had purple flames painted on it and a red orb in the middle. Its left arm wielded a mighty blade, the right one was replaced by a massive lascannon. Two burning 'eyes' with two horns above them.
Doomrider jumped. The chest opened up, revealing a command chamber. He landed inside and watched the fools below.
“THAT AIN'T FU*BEEP* GOOD!!!!”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You bet, corpse's fool! This is a corrupted Knight mini-titan. Mistress Slaanesh personally gave it to me. It's name is Pleasure Bringer!”
Nagosh wasn't very impressed.
“A walkin' trash can ain't gonna save ya'!!
The mini-titan's lascannon shot, destroying a leman russ. It then stomped, creating an earthquake. A kan fell to pieces. Nagosh was silent.
A rocket hit the machine. It didn't even leave a dent.
“Do you not understand?! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! This baby is invincible! You're going to die!”
The lascannon started charging. But suddenly, a terrible roar made the ground shake. Everything and everyone on the battlefield looked towards the mountain chain.
Then, literally straight through a mountain, a huge beast entered their view.
By shape, a squighot. By size, a very big squighot. By colour, black, with yellow eyes. By weirdness, with an ork on its head. By awesome, VERY.
The mini-titan shot. The laser bounced off the creature's hide and destroyed a defiler. The whole battlefield just stared. The huge beast just walked over to Doomrider's mini-titan. Muskit shouted:
“So, wot are you'z gonna do now?”
The Pleasure Bringer just stood there for a moment. Doomrider's voice then came:
“You know.... heheheheh.... I think someone just rolled a one... yeah... heheheheheh.”
The mini-titan disappeared, along with its passenger.
Muskit waved to the group of heroes, who waved back, jaws on the ground. Ugu then turned towards the Chaos force. Massive retreat was massive.
In the mass of retreating heretics was a Daemonette. You know who, right? Mithara, yes? She ran along with the rest... but she tripped. The massive beast that had been a small squig approached. She closed her eyes, waiting to get crushed.
She was suddenly lifted off the ground, just in time. She opened her eyes to see her knight in black fur.
“You didn't think I would just let you leave the fortress, did you?”
“Maybe, maybe not, handsome.”
“Terrible news, my lords!!”
“Yes, Akitol?” Rakul seemed perfectly calm. The others, did not.
“Enemy forces have defeated Doomrider. They have a humongous black Squighot with them! The beast made the whole force retreat!”
“Thissss ain't good!”
“But it'll certainly be bloody!”
“Calm down, my friends.”
They turned to Rakul. Sangus spoke:
“How can you be so calm?! They're coming for us!”
Rakul walked to a dark room.
“Let them. Heheheheheh. LET THEM!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!”
The other four made a few steps back, when six flaming eyes appeared in the darkness.
Chapta' 8 - Finale
“I'z can't believe wot happened ta little Ugu.”
“Neida' can I, flashgit Gobroz.”
The spess mahreens, Eldar, guardsmen and orks just went behind Ugu. The Chaos forces ran at eldar speed and sometimes shot at the black beast, but the rounds and and energy just bounced back. Not a good day to be fighting for the three gods and the goddess.
They were getting closer to the fortress. The commanders were together... and something was wrong.
“What is that... energy?”
“Wot energey, Ash-nu?”
“I feel... oh no... they... have finished.”
Silence. Complete and utter silence. And then the earth shook... both forces stopped.
“Yes! Release your fury!!”
“Rakul, we ssstill have to keep their leaderssss occupied.”
“Yes. Otherwise, they could jeopardize everything. And that would not be delicious.”
“You worry too much! Let's just get this over with!
The four lords headed outside, all remaining forces with them. And a dark entity behind.
“Look at dat! Newcomaz!”
The full might of the Chaos forces now stood against them. Four lords in the front, ready to clash with the allied commanders. And then... a dark shadow appeared.
It grew into a huge, and I'm talking Ugu-size, creature. Its skin changed colour rapidly, but its eyes burned with the same dark red. The number of its eyes changed, though.
Its head was lizard-like and adorned with two small, bat-like wings that changed size.
Its back was adorned by blade-like scales and uncountable wings.
Two legs that looked like they could smash a baneblade.
It was a quite awesome... and intimidating sight. It spoke, its voice changed too:
“I have been released from the depths of the Warp, the mightiest warrior of Change. I am unstoppable, no one save for the god himself can defeat in the use of of energies. I am perfect... I am Cambius!!! Which of you worms wish to challenge the might of Chaos?!”
On the side of good, there was silence... then:
“I'z do! Nagosh Ubzug!!”
“Me, too! Flashgit Gobroz!”
“Don't ferget Muskit and Ugu!!!”
The black beast roared. More joined:
“I shall deliver your death with speed and grace! Ash'nu!!”
“I'LL TEAR YOU A NEW FU*BEEP* ARSEHOLE, BI*BEEP!!! Skalius the Slightly ANGRIER!!!!*
“By the might of the astartes, you shall fall!! Rightius Codexus!!!”
“We will strike you with the Emperor's hammer!! Alix Mosiv!”
The creature seemed amused.
“Not even with your little pet can you hope to scratch my hide. You shall all fall! Come!!!”
With that, the Chaos force started moving, morale restored thanks to the power of Tzeentch.
On the other side:
“Let's go, Ugu! Show 'im wot ya goooot!!!!”
Ugu charged straight at the daemon of Tzeentch and the two beasts clashed.
Below them, a great battle was waged... and not just between commanders.
Altian plummeted to the ground, a bolter bullet-sized hole in one of his wings. The Rubric now stood above him, ready to deliver the final blow. Just then, a power blade went through the marine's chest and the automaton then fell to the ground.
“I think you owe me one, Altian.”
He knew that voice only too well. He rose looked in Kilina's direction, raised his weapon and shot. A berzerker just inches behind her.
“I don't think so, Kilina.”
Marines fell around the two, yet no assailant could be seen. Lokan appeared before them.
“Start fighting, or you'll both owe me.”
They were both quite surprised... but Altian spoke:
“Sorry, Lokan. Shall we, Kilina?”
“By all means.”
All three charged at the Chaos forces. They met Gobroz on the way, too.
Ash'nu dodged yet another bolt of Chaos flame.
“Give up! Your psyker powers is nothing compared to the might of Change!!!”
“We shall see, sorcerer!”
Ash'nu created a barrier, that blocked another attack.
The Eldar gathered psionic energy and released it in the form of lightning. Rakul created a barrier of his own... but it seemed to be weakening.
“This... can't be!!! My base INT stat is higher than yours!!!”
“But I have racial INT bonus and this armour ain't just a decoration.”
“Damn.... it. Damniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!”
The barrier shattered and Rakul was sent flying.
“Come here, YOU PIECE OF SH*BEEP*!!!!!”
“Gladly!! Your blood will look well on the ground here!”
Skalius' power wrench met with the lord's hammer... Skalius was trying hard.
“FU*BEEP*!!!! FAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU*BEEP*!!!!!!!!! !”
“Your skull will look great on the great one's throne!”
“OH NO IT WON'T, DI*BEEP* !!!”
A red aura gathered around Skalius.
Sangus' hammer was torn in half by a wave of anger. A blow with a powerfist did not permit him to remain standing.
“I bet your blood is just delicious!!!”
“Too bad you shall not taste it, heretic!!!”
Carito's chain-blade gave the lord an advantage in range... Rightius just couldn't get close enough. And how could he... hmmm...
“Would be alright with the codex?” he thought. And I heard him.
Well, there isn't any rule AGAINST. Go ahead.
“Thank you, writer.”
His hands clasped and he uttered a prayer towards teh emprah. His daemonhammer glowed in a golden hue.
“You can't reach me, fool!”
He raised his hand and threw his Daemonhammer with full strength.
The mighty weapon impacted the lord's chest and... you guessed it, he was sent flting.
Now, it's time for the ultimate battle of the centuries... Nagosh Ubzug and Morus the Itchy. The ultimate clash of two powerful entities, that will decide the fate of this battle...
Nagosh charged straight at the Nurglite, brushing off the man's pestilence blasts. A single bash with his choppa... and ya know wot happen'd.
The four lords travelled into one spot... and met. Their backs hurt quite a bit.
“Damnit! We have to retreat!” Sangus wasn't happy.
“A delicoius thought!”
Rakul looked at the allied commanders.
“Enjoy your small triumph while you can!! The Imperium is doomed!!!”
Rakul then used the power of Tzeentch to transport them away... FAR away.
“He wuz right!! We'z gotta stop da big daemun!!!!”
They looked upwards... Ugu seemed to be having trouble...
“Pathetic creature!!! Feel the power of change!!!”
A ray of blue energy struck Ugu... and the squigghot... became a squig once again. Before he fell to the ground, Muskit commented:
“I'z hatez plot deveecez.”
He landed on the ground.
“Ugu, you'z okay?!”
A lick was his answer. The others were soon there.
“See, mortals?! I have crushed your only hope!! You will now dieeeeee!!!”
“Not today, ya ova'powa'd git!!!”
The daemon looked straight at them.
“And what could one ork do against me?”
“I'z not just one ork! Let's show 'im!!”
Ash'nu released a bolt of psychic lightning. It dissipated before it even got close to the beast.
“Did you really think that would work?”
“Oh, it did!”
The daemon looked curious. As rightious' daemonhammer landed on its smallest toe, it showed... pain.
“Owwwwww!!! Ouch, ouch, ouch!!! Son of a...!!!”
The daemon hopped on one leg, creating tremors.
“NAGOSH! NOW'S OUR FU*BEEP* CHANCE!! CATCH!!”
Skalius took out a strange bolter from a compartment in his armour and threw it to the ork warboss.
“Wot iz it?”
“A mother*BEEP* HOLY BOLTER!!! When you absolutely HAVE TO KILL SOME DAEMON FU*BEEP*!!!!”
“Thanks! Dis'll do da trick!!”
The ork ran to a nearby Wraithlord and screamed at it.
“Frow me to da daemun!!!”
The Wraithlord obeyed and threw Nagosh like a baseball. The ork hit Cambius square in the chest, which made the daemon stumble.
Nagosh used his choppa to climb up to the thing's shoulders. One of its hands tried to grab him, but a single bash was enough to send it away.
“Fool! How do you wish too ha... wait!!! WHAT IS THAT?!?!?”
“Holy bolta', daemun!!!”
Cambius' eyes, which were all on the same side of his head right now, grew wide. Nagosh pulled the trigger... and the daemon screeched in pain.
Its head epicly exploded, and its body dissipated. Nagosh fell to the ground.
Gobroz was the first to get closer.
“Boss!!! Are ya...?!?”
“Yeh, I'z okay. Da daemun ain't, though!!”
“MAY THE WARP CONSUUUUUUUME YOUUUUUUUUU, NAGOSH UBZUG!!!!!”
“Tzeentch, dude, calm down.”
“Khorne is right Tzeentchey.”
“But... they ruined my plans... I feel like crying...”
“Get a hold of yourself, man! Now, we're gonna go get some stuff from Slaanesh's stash. That'll cheer ya up!!”
Khorne and Slaanesh then towed a dpressed Tzeentch to Slaanesh's citadel, Nurgle close behind.
The extra forces ofnAkhalam VI were leaving, going to face different enemies on different worlds. Goodbyes would ensue.
First were the Eldar. And the first of them was Ash'nu. He stood close to Nagosh.
“Farewell, warboss Nagosh Ubzug. May we meet again. And Gobroz and Muskit. Of course, may little Ugu live long.”
“Same to ya, Ash'nu!”
A small ropar also came.
“Our adventure was quite brief, friends. But highly enjoyable. Goodbye for now.”
A grin was on Nagosh's face.
The silent one.
“Goodbye. To all of you.”
Lokan then bowed and left. Kilina's voice hinted sadness.
“I'll miss all of you. Especially little Ugu... take care of the little guy, Muskit.”
“I'z will. Ya don't hafta worry.”
The Eldar disappeared in webway gates, which soon went off-line.
the Spess Mahreens were next, angry side first.
“Well, bye. Don't EXPECT ME TO SAY SOME GAY SH*BEEP*, YOU BI*BEEP*ES!!!!”
“Yeh, g'bye, Skalius.”
The angriest of the angry entered their Thunderhawks and were gone.
“Farewell, my friends. May the Emperor bless you! And may the codex guide you!”
The smurfs likewise entered their ships and left, leaving the four orks, Alix, Anon and Ugu alone on the platform.
“Wot are you guardiez gonna do now?”
“We're going to help with the restoration of the planet... the Chaos forces had left many areas in ruin.”
“Den you'z can count on help from da ORKS!!! Ain't dat right?!”
The ork horde below was ready to do something... even something not related to fighting.
All in all, the planet seemed to be changing... for the better. With the first true ork-human alliance. The galaxy was more peaceful...
Or was it?
Deep beneath the ground on a certain planet... two green eyes shone... and not that far from this world, a dark fleet slowly approached.
Why, thank you!
This writer is pleased that he could please!
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