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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 10-04-11, 08:18 PM Thread Starter
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Default The Dantellan Insurrection

Ah! Good Bospilea, Dantellan, my favorite little shit hole in the center of the galaxy. Booze, blood and Brothels the makings of a lively civilization. Not that this is one, corpse-worshippers and blind lambs all of them. If I had a penny for every disgusting maggot that wormed its way up and down the Star port's wide stairway, I'd've drank all the drinks, and fucked all the whores! And these fools say what I do is madness, bah! I'm merely doing what I was created to do, laugh, love, fuck and drink liquor! Speaking of which...

Ha! Sweet godly nectar, I say, Bospilea distills the finest Taliq this side of the Macharian Crusade. Pour me another glass, and introduce me to your daughter, I'm just a fine man looking for a wife, and anyone who can pour like you, sir. Has to have a damn good daughter. -Sir, I meant no offense I just thought her in need of a good lay –Don't brandish that knife at me in fact–give me that...
So much to give, so much to do, its the truest sin. They all just throw their lives away, never stopping to taste the sweet juices sweating off the universe's thighs. But he will live on in me and all! And I will carry this knife for his memory. Poor Old Thomas!

You know, once I used to be like you, young and foolish. Said my prayers every night, played Space Marines & Xenos as a lad, and even dreamt of dying in The Emperor's service. Then I learned something that your not supposed to know. The Emperor's not real, none of this is. It's all just a game, you see, just for fun, everyone likes fun! Everyone except the Emperor, he didn't like the game and made up rules. And now everyone's drowning in rules while the–MONSTERS EATS THE CHILDREN!
Hahaha! It was just a joke, the monsters aren't real either, well they're as real as you and I, which isn't very real at all. But the best thing is, when the monsters eat you, you become the monster. And it's fun again! Trust me, being a monster is really fun...

You there! Up on the boxes, these fine soldiers have spent so much time arranging in proper Imperial formation. How do you serve God when you block access to his bullets! And what God calls nothing but doom down on his people! The Emperor was a man, quite a charming, handsome, and powerful man, but a man all the same! His own son gave evidence to that. And now all Men work to slow his rot.
Open your eyes and see that he is dead, bury him and be done with it! There are new Gods, and kings, new lives to live, new realities to explore. For millennia you have sucked at the teat and got ash in return! The Imperium fell long ago, you no longer need to live in the ruins. You are free. You have always been free! Good Soldier you throw down your life for a throne you will never sit. Fuck that! Go build your own throne of whatever damn substance you choose, you are God now, throw down your gun and grab a woman! Live!
...Yes my people! Be angry! They have lied to you, raped your souls, and butchered your imagination! No more! No more! Let loose that righteous fury! Orgasmic wrath! To build we must first tear down the walls! Bring me the fat priest! ...Good son of Terra you have served well. You are too far gone down the path of necromongering, but I can grant you complete understanding of all this and those things that I don't even know. And there's not a lot of that kinda stuff. Now hold still, Thomas isn't as sharp as we'd like...
Now that wasn't so bad was it? All it took was your death to seal the spell. When you give people that much truth, they go mad. But that's why you only give them lies isn't it. When they actually know whats going on this happens, fighting, fucking, learning, living, expressing. Chaos, that big hole in the sky. Ha! To think you could confine Chaos to another realm, I am amazed at the stupidity sometimes. They were all too scared of life, and now they have nothing to fear.
I fucking love this game...

One thing you can say for enemies; they make life more interesting.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 10-09-11, 02:59 PM
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Default Hi

Hi. I think this is the first story I have read from you. Overall it was very well written. I could see the picture in my head of this lunatic. But there are a couple of things that stand out to me...

The paragraphs, what few there are are huge and contain too much traffic. Spread them out until you have about 250-300 words in each one, this will make it easier to read for everyone.

Also, for me, and other people may not have a problem with this but, for me, myself, I do not enjoy cursing in stories. I have written 30 stories that are posted on this site as well as read hundreds of stories that do not have F-bombs and the like.

But that being said; I did like the story, it was well written and you do have a good start to growing your talent. - Adrian.

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
Other stories from Adrian.
Look up Adrian in the "Compendium" to find them. Thanks
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