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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-23-11, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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Default Battle for the Relics

This was originally a battle report between me and a friend that I ended up making into a short story of sorts. I would welcome any critic and yes I know that my english is far from perfect. Thanks ^^
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Within the eastern fringes lay the planet Jor’Man a planet that belonged to the Imperium of Man. The planet was not a large one and its local PDF forces were if nothing else small. It is on this world that the 2nd company of the Salamanders lead by the Forgefather Vulkan He’stan found themselves. The battle barge The Aethonian sat in orbit above the planet , its array system on alert since its astropath had sensed a darkening of the warp and a deep silence.

Word of this had already reached the Forgefather but he had only his prize in mind as he lead his strike force to the location he had found that supposedly held a relic from an age long past. The captain already calling back the forces he could upon the planet’s surface. He did not wish to engage the splinterfleet that was on its way with such a small force. They had attempted to send information to a neighboring fleet for aid, most of the forces had pulled back to the space port except for Vulkan’s group.


The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

Meanwhile the expedition had already reached a point where they could only decide to abandon their goal or press on and risk being caught in the advanced forces of the invasion. Vulkan decided that he would take the two tactical squads ahead in their rhino’s to try and gain some speed against the Tyranids. The reports that could be made out before all communications fell already spoke of many spores falling all across the continent.

Vulkan arrived at the site indicated on his auspex as the roar of the two rhino’s could be heard pulling up. The Scoria of Hesiod pulled up near Vulkan’s position as the smell of thick promethium filled the air. The light of Heliosa had arrived but took up a position to the east as they worried over the possibility that the Tyranids had already arrived in the area ahead of them. Both squads debarked quickly as they took up positions around their rhino’s, Sergeant Belenus walked over to Vulkan as he stopped and stood at attention

“Forgefather Vulkan, we detected some movement nearby and it would be wise to wait for the Kesare’s Fangs to arrive and provide support” he stated as Vulkan looked on into the distance. His face showed his determination over the possible finding of one of the relics.

“If a holy relic of Vulkan is here, we cannot leave it for those xenos to destroy or ruin” he stated firmly as Belenus nodded, he was not about to deny the importance of the relics.


Not long had passed as Squad T’rakinor deployed from the rhino Light of Heliosa as they set up a small barricade behind a bunch of ruined tank traps. T’rakinor voxed in that they were set up and in position as the light of Heliosa sat idle nearby, its heavy bolter pointed out as the driver stood sentinel over the area.

Vulkan Hes’tan let his Spear of Vulkan shine in the daylight, its gleam inspiring those around it. The Scoria of Hesiod was the first to catch sight of the incoming Tyranids, the large form of a hive Tyrant could be seen making its way with several of its bodyguard protecting it. A swarm of hormagaunts making their way quickly across the field, the stones and rocks making no difference to their unnatural speed.

Squad T’rakinor stood defiantly before the oncoming hoard as brother Prumathe hefted his missile launcher onto his shoulder. With a trained eye he targeted the front of the seething mass as he let fire a missle, its smoke trail following it as is streaked right into the line and detonated sending bits of chitin and xenos flesh flying with the rock and smoke.

A second rocket trailed in from the west as Brother nu’toth had lauched a rocket into the same group finding his target true. The gaunts were taking many casualties but even in the face of such firepower they pressed on their numbers dwindling. The hive minds hold on them firm as always as the Tyrant marched on seemingly ignoring the destruction being wreaked upon its advance forces.


The hormagaunts had not reached firing range for the bolters yet when Belenus noticed an odd noise coming from a nearby hill. The sound of claws upon stone could easily be heard and if it weren’t for his years of working on reconnaissance he might have failed to notice the sounds in the din of fighting and over the engine of the rhino.

Small glints of movement could be scene as he pointed toward the hill, his squad turning just in time to make out the form of genestealers. These mighty creatures that were no bigger than a Terminator could rend the mighty power armor of the Adeptus Astartes like it were a flak jacket. Even the armor of the venerable Terminators were no match for such beasts if they were allowed to close in.

Belenus quickly voxed for Nu’toth to turn his missile launcher toward the hill as he let another rocket fly, the loud explosion and debris filling the air along with the screams of dying genestealers. Even still the genestealers could be seen advancing, a few had survived and to the surprise of Belenus he had noticed a patriarch among them. Its larger form dwarfing the others as he ordered the rest of the squad to fire upon the survivors before they closed the remaining distance.

The bark of bolters began as the marines fired into the hill, rock and flesh exploding out as bolts detonated on impact. Several of the bolts hit the tough outer armor of the broodlord and it seemed as if it would make it to them. Belenus quickly drew his chainsword in preparation for the fight but suddenly a burst of red seemed to slow the broodlord’s advance down.

One of the bolts had struck it in the eye, a lucky shot but one that had seen its head blown clean open, its brain matter splattering around before its large body crumpled to the ground. The remaining genestealers being brought down by further fire Belenus smiled a little as he put his chainsword back to its holster and turned to He’stan “miserable xenos” he spat as he and his squad began their advance after the Forgefather.


The opening of battle seemed to favor the Salamanders as the arrival of the predator Forge Heart and Sternguard Verteran Squad Zu’kutir brought word that some of the forces had been delayed and they had been sent ahead.

Along with that news the mighty form of Brother Me’shak lumbered in, his might claw and multi-melta already ready for battle. He’stan nodded his head a the sight of the mighty dreadnought. Brother Me’shak had fallen during the second war of Armageddon but had been fortunate enough to be interred in one of the chapters might dreadnoughts.

Zu’kutir moved his squad into position behind some cover, without a word they had already fanned out and the many years they had served the chapter showed as each of them looked resplendent with their weapons held ready. The squad had been lent to He’stan in case of such a situation. They needed no words aside a quick move of a hand as they loaded their weapons with hellfire rounds; he had seen the large Tyrant making his way toward their lines and knew that normal bolters would be of little use against such a monster.

With a quick ritual rite the squad began opening fire on the Tyrant and its bodyguard, the Hellfire rounds slamming into the hard carapace of the body guards as it showed little damage on the surface. But soon one of the guards roared as one of the bolts found its mark; the creature shrugged the wound off as it marched on. With an almost mechanical precision they reloaded their rounds and fired another withering barrage as a few more managed to find their marks in the armor of the guards and one even managing to score a wound upon the Tyrant’s large armor.

It was about this time that He’stan finally was in range to notice something about the approaching Tyrant; it was not just any Tyrant but its arms were full of large bone swords. He had read over reports from the Ultramarines victory at Macragge, in particular it had spoken of a mighty Tyrant that was smarter than the normal ones and had even outsmarted Chapter Master Marneus Calgar both in tactics and in combat. He clicked his vox bead on as he switched to a general channel “all forces keep an eye out for any possible ambushes” he ordered as he started to feel a strange rumble beneath his boots.

At first it could have been the predator moving up to take its position, but it seemed to grow stronger and louder. Suddenly the ground burst not even ten yards from his position, the rocks and soil flying as a giant Tyranid tore from the ground. Its serpentine body arcing as its fanged mouth reached down and it roared the foul odors pouring from its mouth. Its massive scything claws reaching out from its body as it towered over Squad Belenus and He’stan. The spikes along its body seemed to be jumping with some kind of electricity which within moments suddenly discharged itself from its gills in the form of ionized spray.

Belenus and He’stan quickly turned and dove out of the way with several others as the air crackled along with much of the squad. The smoking remains of much of the squad lying across the ground as Belenus pulled his bolter up and started to fire into the chest of the beast. He roared his defiance as the remains of the squad put their guns into it, their shots hitting the beast among its many plates of armor and doing little to wound it.

Their fire was joined by a beam of searing hot air as Brother Me’shak brought his multi-melta to bear on the beast, its mighty armor plates doing little to protect it from the superheated beam as it struck again. It roared back as its arms raised and its fury could be felt by those standing before it. He’stan quickly rallied the squads momentum as he charged at the mighty beast with the Spear of Vulkan gripped tightly in his gloves.


On the other front the Sternguard were holding the line like the veterans they were, the sounds of bolter fire blotting out the roar of the Tyranids. Suddenly the Swarmlord let out a monstrous roar that with the protection afforded by their helmets and the spirits of the ancients had kept them safe. They prepared to fire once more when brother Hadur suddenly dropped his bolter, his body seeming to spasm before a yell could be heard just before his vox cut and he fell lifeless to the ground.

Zu’kutir turned to look at his fallen brother as he realized the Tyrant was using psyker powers on them.

“Curse the warp!” he roared as they continued to fire into the beast and its retinue at the same time the Swarmlord’s wounds seemed to begin patching up, damaged armor closing off and covering up openings in it.

Nearby Squad T’rakinor met with the front of the remaining gaunts that had closed the gap with speed. A mass of leaping blades and teeth flew at them as they lowered their bolters and pulled their chain-swords out to meet their foes.

Sergeant T’rakinor lead the fight as he drew his power sword and the first gaunt met it with a slice of its talon. He deftly tossed the talon aside with a swing as he brought it down and cut through the chitin and flesh in a single stroke. The others met their enemies with chain-swords revving as they clashed in bloody battle.

Chitin blades scratched power armor as chain teeth tore into xenos flesh, the roar from the marines prevailed as they pushed back the tide of chitin and broke what remained of the gaunts that had rushed them. Much like their brothers they were already putting their blades back and drawing their bolters as they moved to provide cover for the sternguard against the mighty Tyrant.


The sounds of massive thumping like a squad of Basilisk’s were beginning bombardments could be heard as it could only signal the arrival of something larger like a Carnifex or maybe even a Bio Titan thou one of those would have been noticed easily. But at the moment Sergeant Belenus and Forgefather He’stan were busy with a more immediate problem, the Tyrgon Prime was before them and as they charged the sound of auto cannon and heavy bolters rung out as the predator Forge Heart opened up on the rear of the beast tearing chunks of it out of the chitin plates protecting it.

The beast roared its defiance as it showed its condition quite clearly, its body twisting as it tried to get out of the hail of heavy fire. With the assistance of the blessed war machine of the Emperor; He’stan had managed to close in and with a full leap he lunged at the beast, the artifact piercing the hide of beast as it roared one more time before it finally collapsed backward, He’stan standing atop the corpse as he pulled the blade from it.

He moved from the body as he directed his weapon toward the Tyrant still stalking the battlefield.

“We need to bring this to an end” he spoke out as the marines moved back to the line to regroup and attempt to counter the beast still making its way toward the line.

The ground continued to shake as the Swarmlord made his way to the make shift barricade the sternguard had arrayed themselves behind, the height of the beast easily towered over the marines, his guards bony skeleton armor of chitin protecting them from the hail of bolts.

A second roar erupted from the Swarmlord as his arms raised and Brother Ni’muk started to convulse much like Hadur had before collapsing as well. As the body hit the ground the Tyrant guards charged their way around the barricade as they rushed to meet the waiting sternguard. Seravin was in the front of their path as he raised his bolter up to block a large talon swooping down on him. His bolter taking the attack head on it sliced right through the weapon and a second one swung out toward him only to be dodged by a hair’s breath.

Unfortunately the Swarmlord paid little attention to the barricade as it stepped right through the bushes and reached over toward Zu’kutir and the others.

Brother Chalkeus was the first to charge at the Swarmlord as it raised its bone swords up, his chain-sword drawn he swung at the beast but he never felt the blow that severed not only his arm holding the chain-sword but split him right through the middle, his armor providing not even an ounce of defense against the alien weapon as his body fell in two.

Seravin had his chain-sword drawn as he fought off the approaching guard but hearing the attack coming from over the barricade he turned just in time to see one of the bone swords come swinging down and go through his raised chain-sword, the molecules being split as the blade cut through his helmet and armor from head to crotch.

The Swarmlord was a blur of blades as it swung at Zu’kutir who had already realized blocking the alien blades were meaningless and only dodging them or parrying would give him a chance to strike. Unfortunately he was not fast enough to keep up with the beast as all of its arms came from multiple angles at one time, his enhanced mind couldn’t catch all of its movement as the beast rended him into several pieces before roaring its victory.


Nearby a large mycetic spore landed into the ground, the sound of the flesh spore splashing down as it gushed forth its cargo. A pair of bulbous headed zoanthropes floated out, the fluids dripping from them as they emerged from their carrier. Not even a moment later one of the zoanthropes was shrouded in crackling energy, unlike the Trygon it was a more psychic energy as it let loose the energy in a sharp bolt that struck the side of the Forge Heart, luckily the machine spirit of the war engine was strong as the bolt only managed to destroy the heavy bolter mounted on its side and not penetrate the vehicle.

Brother Me’shak realized the danger that these creatures possessed as he fired his multi-melta into one of the beasts, its superheated energy impacted but it was not upon the foul beast but an invisible shield of psychic energy that dissipated the blast.

A second volley struck it with similar results, he saw that such an attack wouldn’t do against its protection so he abandoned his firing position as he charged the pair, his hulking frame trampling everything in his path as he made contact with his mighty claw on the shield that had stopped the melta. He raised his arm as he brought it down repeatedly upon the shield with a thunderous impact but even that didn’t break through its psychic protection.

The mighty dreadnaught continued its assault on the zoanthropes as they seemed content with holding their shields up and not attacking further either because they were unable or unwilling.


The western battlefront was holding but with the ground still shaking and growing louder with a methodic thumping He’stan realized that it would not be another subterranean attack but something else.

The Forge Hearts auguries sighted the source soon enough as a large lumbering carnifex was making its way toward their line. The beast seemed to be on a one track path and it was leading it right toward the western flank. The Forge Heart opened up first with its auto cannon as the large shells impacted the thick hide of the beast but did little to slow it down. It's heavy bolters opened up joined by the Scoria of Hesiod’s heavy bolter as a fury of shots rained down on the hulk. Even with such firepower the beast seemed to shrug it off and continue its charge.

Suddenly a loud set of thuds could be heard as the Lux Aeterna arrived and let its auto cannon join the barrage, one of the rounds seemed to wound the beast as it roared and was visibly shaken by the impact. Yet even as its heavy bolters joined in the beast seemed intent on continuing to run into the hail of shots and get to its target.

The continuous volley of rounds pelted the armor of the beast as it neared the rear of the Scoria of Hesiod, it driver realizing to late that the beast had shifted its charge and was headed toward them as he started the engine. The rear of the rhino suddenly shook and lurched as the whole vehicle seemed to be tossed from its rear up into the air to land on its roof, the downed rhino could only lay there as it started to ignite from its promethium stores and the large breach in the rear.

He’stan managed to turn at the sound of the vehicle impacting and was witness to its final moments as it exploded and was sent hurling wreckage into the air. The mighty carnifex didn’t seem that pleased with its work thou as it turned its sights toward the Forge Heart, its guns opening up as it began to pull itself back from the range of the monstrous hulk.

The Lux Aeterna moved into position as the two predators opened fire with all guns, the sound was incredible as they barraged from two points the beast. For a moment it seemed to be working until it began to lumber forward once more right toward the Forge Heart.


Meanwhile the newly arrived mycetic spore had deployed its package and its large xenos cannon atop it began to turn as it fired a seedy pod toward Squad T’rakinor’s position. They had been watching the Tyrant and hadn’t noticed the incoming attack till it was too late; the pod burst open as fleshy hooked tendrils spread out and blanketed the squad. Most of the squad had managed to escape the catches of the hooks but Ogun and Shura weren’t as lucky as they were entangled and strangled by the tendrils.

T’rakinor was about to order the change in target when he heard a large rumbling of engines behind him and he turned to see the massive frame of the Kesare’s Fangs, the might land raider rolled in as it carried the 1st companies Squad Seraphinus Terminators. The sight of such a weapon arriving boosted their moral as they began firing at the Swarmlord and remained defensive of the attacks coming from the spore which was out of their range.

T’rakinor was about to order his men to give support for the land raider when he noticed that the Tyrant was not focused on the area that the sternguard were holding as its guards had already turned and were defending it with their bony armor from their shots. He grit his teeth as he knew the beast had realized they were still a viable threat to it as it turned its head toward them.

In a roar its guards charged toward them “fire and keep shooting!” he ordered as disciplined fire impacted the tyrant guards charge.

To his dismay he noticed that none of their shots were doing any damage to the beasts as they closed in, he drew his power sword just in time to see several of his marines being slammed into by the charging beasts as their broken and lifeless bodies slammed into the ground. He stood his ground as the others recovered from the charge and drew their weapons as they faced down the mighty Swarmlord and guards.

It wasn’t to much avail as their blows were parried easily by the beast and his alien weapons tore through their armor like it wasn’t there. Brother Prumathe was the first to go down as he was split from his shoulder down to his stomach as the beast tossed him aside and continued. It swung again horizontally this time as it passed through three marines in a row; its blade didn’t even seem to slow down as its massive muscles easily pushed it through their now lifeless bodies.

T’rakinor was the last to stand before it as he charged the beast, his power sword glowing as he attempted to strike the beast down, the blade finding only the bonesword that parried his attack right before the beasts other arm swung and took his head clean off. His body dropped to its knees before falling flat upon the dirt, the guards seemed content with smashing the bodies that were in the way as they turned to rejoin the battle with their master.


The Kesare’s Fangs was near enough to the carnage that they had heard the vox come in from T’rakinor just before they had met the beast. The driver had even managed to witness the slaughter as he took the chance that they had the beast’s back as he drove the machine guiding its machine spirit into battle to follow the Swarmlord and bring its payload into range to fell the monster.

The land raider roared onto the field as its engines pushed it straight into the Swarmlords area; the assault ramp slammed open and hit the ground as it came to a stop just twenty yards from the rear of the Swarmlord as Squad Seraphinus stomped down the ramp and onto the rocky dirt, their terminator armor resplendent as they carried their thunder hammers and storm shields. With little more than a nod of his head Seraphinus ordered the squad into a charge, their target was the enemy commander and the much needed revenge for their fallen brothers.

The Tyrant guards turned in unison as they quickly flanked their Swarmlord, neither of them seemed even bothered by the sudden appearance of the terminators as they rushed forward to meet the charge. The Swarmlord himself seemed to stand back and let the two meet the charge only to rush in behind them and pounce on the terminators his massive blades once more being brought to the fray.

Unlike the last time tho the enemies were better prepared as blows were met by storm shields and parried by thunder hammers. Even in their bulky terminator armor they were holding their ground against the mighty beast. A quick miscalculation left brother Sur with a huge gash across his chest, the blood pouring out as it attempted to clot but couldn’t do it fast enough and he fell to the ground.

The guards attacked as well and were met with similar defenses, their claws only scratching the surface of the armor or shields. It was the terminators will and skill that allowed them to hold as they beat back the guards with mighty blows that would normally crush bone, here they only stunned the beasts as they seemed to quickly shake off the damage and worry. What few blows that could be swung at the mighty Swarmlord were swatted away easily enough as he parried once more showing off its unimaginable skill with its blades.

Seraphinus had fought many in his years of battle and this was truly one of the toughest melee fighters he had ever met, it was as if the beast knew his moves and had planned its own actions to deflect and negate any of his attacks.

While this battle raged on Brother Me’shak had given up on assaulting the defended zoanthrope as he noticed the pod behind them was beginning to attack Forgefather Vulkan, he could not allow it to continue as he slammed his fist into the shield of the zoanthropes, the creatures seemed to back off as it gave him the opportunity to strike at the pod.

He brought his multi-melta to bear at almost point blank range as he fired a gaping hole into the fleshy pod, the smell of burning flesh was pungent as he raked his melta across the surface of the thing. Its tendrils flailing in an attempt to hit the mighty war machine but failing to do anything to its armor plating. Moments later the pod finally fell silent as it seemed to be motionless, its smoldering corpse that had been badly destroy all that remained.

He turned to return to the fight with the zoanthropes only to find that they were no longer there. The creatures had managed to escape him and the only target he could find was the Swarmlord that was in battle with the terminators. He began heading toward their battle to lend his assistance when his sensors detected an odd signal, a crackling was building up nearby but he could not find its source.

Too late did his sensors finally lock on to the source as he rounded the dead corpse of the pod to find the two zoanthropes charging their energy and in a combined attempt they fired two lances of psychic energy right toward the Kesare’s Fangs; the mighty land raider could not make the attempt to move as it had only recently finish deploying the terminators as one bolt struck the side armor, a blacken crater in it as adamantium melted. The second lance struck a different point as it penetrated the armor plating, the lance wreaking havoc on the inside of the sacred vehicle before it’s engine fell silent and only a large plume of smoke poured from its open ramp.

The destruction of the land raider was a heavy blow, that such a decorated and precious vehicle could be lost was not taken lightly as Me’shak turned his multi-melta on the zoanthropes. The weapon roared to life as the beam impacted the zoanthropes, their shields drained from having used it to power their attack they were incinerated into nothing but slag and ash as he took revenge.


He’stan’s group had been reduced to just himself and Sergeant Belenus, the others had been brought down in the fire from the now dead pod’s barbstrangler. He’stan knew he needed to regroup his troops if there was to be any hope of victory. They would also need to bring that hive tyrant down and break the control of the Hive mind over its minions and give them the opportunity to take victory.

Just as the battle seemed to be leaning toward their favor the sound of rending and bending metal could be heard, He’stan could see the markers in his auspex that signified friendly units at the Forge Heart’s marker suddenly flashed the moment the sound could be heard. He turned around as he saw a distance away that the carnifex had not been stopped and the Forge Hearts entire front end had been crushed and bent open leaving its ammunition and flaming wreck spilling out from the wound.

No sooner had he been looking at it as the vehicle burst into a ball of fire, the metal hull shrapnel ling all over as the bulk of the carnifex could be seen walking out of the flaming wreck. It bellowed a guttural roar before it seemed to take notice of the Lux Aeterna that had begun pulling back while firing to give it space between the two.

He’stan gripped his spear tightly, they needed to finish this quick before any more losses were to mount. They were enroute to the aid of the terminators when he witnessed several of them getting brought down by the Swarmlord’s blades, its many swords finally breaching the sacred armor and rending them down to the ground. Only Sergeant Seraphinus was still standing as he fought valiantly against the three monsters, his hammer finding blows where he could but seeming to do little damage to the beasts. All at once the two guards lunged at him, their rending claws finding his armor, their diamond tips cutting through it with little difficulty.

“FOR THE EMPEROR!!!” he roared as he continued to beat on them till his breath and strength gave out and the beasts finished him.

He’stan was quick to begin his charge toward the beast as the Swarmlord turned to look at him, their eyes meeting for only a moment as it seemed to be smiling at its work. That only upset He’stan even more as he gritted his teeth and prepared for battle. His thoughts were interrupted when the rumble that had been present earlier during the carnifex charge seemed to begin getting louder and stronger; he turned his head as he noticed that the carnifex was ignoring the opportunity to attack the Lux Aeterna it had chosen to charge him and Belenus.

“Behind us!” he called out as Belenus turned in time to see the lumbering giant.

They were caught between the carnifex and the Swarmlord as he had to make a choice between which to meet. As the two watched their enemies approaching they readied their weapons, when from the corner of his eye he saw Brother Me’shak’s large frame come into view and bar the way of the incoming Swarmlord.

“Forgefather, you must not fall!” he roared as he thrust his claw at the Swarmlord attempting to keep it and its guard at bay.

He even fired his multi-melta but the swiftly larger creature managed to avoid the superheated blast with only superficial burns along its armor. That just meant going through the carnifex that was trampling toward them, He’stan kept his cool tho as he understood the words Me’shak had spoken, they could not let the artifacts he carried fall on this world with the tyranids so close that they could be lost forever. As the beast made its blind charge the two deftly moved out of the way as they both brought their weapons to bear on its sides.

Belenus’s power sword managed to strike its armor but the thickness was unbelievable as his power sword could not manage to slice through it. He’stan however found a softer area as the spear cut into the armor and flesh of the beast, spilling its foul smelling blood as it turned to fight them. The wounds he had cause and the two predators had done seemed to be slowing it down but it hadn’t fallen, its massive crusher claws swinging between its razor sharp talons. Belenus managed to avoid the talons as he joined He’stan, the two fighting off blow after blow and it looked to be in their favor when one of the mighty crusher claws swung in and mistaking it at first for a talon, Belenus tried to block and parry it. In doing so his power sword was smashed in two as his chest was crushed in by the massive claw. His body flew lifelessly to the side as He’stan fell back to get clear of the carnifex’s many arms.


Brother Me’shak was still fighting the Swarmlord, his mighty ancient armor carrying him against the Tyrant. He moved his frame as he grabbed one of the bone swords with his might claw, its metal clamps closing in on it. The Swarmlord brought its other arms down on the hallowed warrior’s armor, the blades cutting into the plates of adamantium.

He continued to hold the beast down “Forgefather, leave us and protect the artifacts!” he roared as he pushed the Swarmlord back using his bulk to do so.

A roar of engines signaled the arrival of the Lux Aeterna and the Light of Heliosa’s arrival nearby, its ramp laid open for He’stan to get in. Both vehicles opened up on the carnifex with their heavy bolters as the kept it at bay. He’stan looked toward them for a moment before he disengaged from the fight and ran for the ramp of the rhino. As the sound of boots clunked against the metal of the ramp he looked over just in time to see Brother Me’shak get split apart, his frame sagging on his legs as the dreadnought slumped over, one of its arms sliced completely off and the front of his armor torn and cut open.

He stepped all the way into the rhino as he heard the pistons of the doors closing, his eyes looked over at the empty seats across from him as he heard the engines start up and both vehicles departed the field to rendezvous with the rest of the forces. He also needed to report that the Swarmlord had been sighted here and that could only mean the Hive mind had decided this place was of some importance, for what only the Emperor knew.

Last edited by Angelofdeath690; 09-24-11 at 08:57 AM.
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-23-11, 11:32 PM
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Wow, it looks like my work when I first joined. Mine was not presented well back then and people were crying tears of blood trying to get through it all. By the time they had finished reading my work they wanted to themselves. So from a guy who had to learn my lessons I say...

PLEASE! Paragraph your work into four or five or ten lined breaks so we can get through it without going cross-eyed. When that is done I will be more then happy to come back, find this story and take the time to enjoy it. Until then, - Adrian

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-24-11, 02:38 AM
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Not a bad story bud. Not a bad story at all. Beyond a few minor bits here and there (mostly due to as you put it "imperfect English" ((which I will say is better than some who are natural speakers! )) and easily overlooked given that it isn't your primary language) it's good work. I will agree with Adrian that you need a few more breaks in your writing (along with spacing out dialogue from the paragraphs, though I didn't notice much in the way of them speaking). Those are the only points I see bud.

Below is an example of what I mean. I've taken one of your paragraphs and broken it up a bit like so:

The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

Meanwhile the expedition had already reached a point where they could only decide to abandon their goal or press on and risk being caught in the advanced forces of the invasion. Vulkan decided that he would take the two tactical squads ahead in their rhino’s to try and gain some speed against the Tyranids. The reports that could be made out before all communications fell already spoke of many spores falling all across the continent.

Vulkan arrived at the site indicated on his auspex as the roar of the two rhino’s could be heard pulling up. The Scoria of Hesiod pulled up near Vulkan’s position as the smell of thick promethium filled the air. The light of Heliosa had arrived but took up a position to the east as they worried over the possibility that the Tyranids had already arrived in the area ahead of them. Both squads debarked quickly as they took up positions around their rhino’s, Sergeant Belenus walked over to Vulkan as he stopped and stood at attention

“Forgefather Vulkan, we detected some movement nearby and it would be wise to wait for the Kesare’s Fangs to arrive and provide support” he stated as Vulkan looked on into the distance. His face showed his determination over the possible finding of one of the relics.

“If a holy relic of Vulkan is here, we cannot leave it for those xenos to destroy or ruin” he stated firmly as Belenus nodded, he was not about to deny the importance of the relics.


This is what I was talking about. You really only need six to eight sentences per paragraph (though I have been known to throw in more if I felt the occasion deserved it LOL), with four being what I consider (and that's a personal opinion and not necessarily one espoused by others ) the bare minimum of sentences for a proper one. But, back on track. As you can see by spacing out your writing more, you make it much easier to read than huge blocks of text. This is especially true when it comes to reading material on a computer screen.

Still, keep up the good work bud! If you keep at it, you'll find your works improve with each one written.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

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Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-24-11, 05:55 AM Thread Starter
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Thank you for the comments and I will make an attempt to fix it and make it easier to read. As I said it was made from a battle report so I didn't have much speaking because of it.

@Shogun_Nate - Thank you for the rep as well ^^ I am glad that you enjoyed it. I will try and break it up similar to how you described and hopefully I won't mess it up by doing so.

This was honestly my first attempt at writing fluff for warhammer 40k, I have read the books before so i had some ideas to use and my friend had some of the fluff for his Salamander army that he lent me so i could make it seem more complete but dialog wise I was unsure how to approach it. I hope to do more of these in the future (and not only from battle reports) but ill work on fixing this one first.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-24-11, 07:09 AM
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You need to space your work out better.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-24-11, 12:49 PM
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This is an excellent beginning, good to see you have taken the advice given to you to heart.

If you keep working on refining your style, you`ll be a proficient writer fairly quickly.



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Originally i had this mostly done up that each part was a set of turns. Thats why the spacing is a bit off. It was a battle report when i started with it. I am also not used to posting this kind of thing on a forum so im not fluent in the way to space it for easy reading. If you have a way to show me how I welcome it.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-24-11, 02:02 PM
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The level of spacing it has now is good.


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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-24-11, 10:08 PM
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You're more than welcome for the rep bud! I think it deserved it. You took the time to play a game, write down what happened during the game and then turned it into a story. That is a lot of work (I know as I've done it before! )! I just checked it's length... It's ten and a third pages long of 12pt TNR with the current spacing lol. That's a sizeable story!

As for paragraph spacing, what you've done above is pretty much it bud. There is no hard/fast rule for spacing stories online but what I mentioned to you earlier works well. one rule of thumb is that you think of each paragraph as sort of a 'mini-story' of six to eight sentences long. An idea you start it with you should try to finish it in those six to eight sentences but make it part of the whole story.

Hmm. How to make it clearer... Ok, start the sentence with an action and try to wrap that action up in the paragraph. That doesn't mean that the action as a whole has to stop there. You can carry it on into another paragraph but you want each paragraph to semi-self contained. As an example, I'll reuse what I posted earlier.

The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

What I mean: In this paragraph you start with the action. In this case:

"The hive fleet arrived as the The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold out much longer."

This is the action that opens the paragraph. From here each sentence afterwards should build and expand on this action.

Ex: The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet.

Here the captain reinforces and expands on the original action by messaging, etc.

The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

This sentence does the same, closing out the action/paragraph as you prepare for the next.


Meanwhile the expedition had already reached a point where they could only decide to abandon their goal or press on and risk being caught in the advanced forces of the invasion. Vulkan decided that he would take the two tactical squads ahead in their rhino’s to try and gain some speed against the Tyranids. The reports that could be made out before all communications fell already spoke of many spores falling all across the continent.

The next paragraph starts with the action of the expedition. A new, seperate set of actions are relayed with this paragraph.

I'm not an expert writer so I can only stumble over my explanation where others could give you proper help...

Another thing you might want to work on is sentence structure. This is something I have trouble with, myself. Run-on sentences or sentences that contain too much information can make a story harder to read. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using shorter sentences in the place of the conjunctions 'and' and 'as' to get a point across. Also, there is nothing wrong with using punctuation like commas or semi-colons in the place of conjunctions. You just want to make sure you don't overdo it (as I have a tendency to do sometimes LOL).

Example:
The hive fleet arrived as The Aethonian began to attempt its defense of the space above the the planet as it quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back and return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port as they gathered up all the PDF forces they could and steady their souls for the coming horror.

Here the opening sentence runs on and on. Try to break it up a bit so it reads easier.

Instead try: "The hive fleed arrived as the Aethonian began to attempt its the defense of the space above the planet. It quickly became apparent they would not be able to hold much longer. The captain made one last message to the forces below that they would be pulling back. They would return for another attempt once the hive ship was occupied with the attack on the planet. The Salamanders still on the planet could only fortify their defenses near the space port, gathering up all the PDF forces they could; steadying their souls for the coming horror."

There is another bonus from writing stories like this. They will help to improve your grasp of a different language as you learn new writing techniques. One recommendation I have is work on your basic English grammar (I mean no disrespect here. I've spoken English all of my life and sometimes my grammatical skills are found lacking LOL). The proper placement of punctuation, sentence structure, verb tenses, etc. will all help you in your writing and in improving your English.

If there's anything else you need help with bud, don't be afraid to ask! There are many fine/helpful folks here in the Original Works section and we should be able to answer just about any question you may have. Keep up the good work!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-25-11, 01:20 AM
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Well as promised I made my way back here and was very happy to see that you broke the story up. The fact that you are taking in what we are telling you says a lot about the kind of person you are.

The story itself, as in the idea of it was really cool. I can see a lot of potential and am impressed with how you presented it. I could see in my mind how the flow of the battle was taking place and where it was headed.

Good job. The story did seem choppy and like one idea slammed into another as if you were going a thousand miles an hour when you wrote it. I encourage you to slow down, maybe read it out loud or have a friend read it with you.

Reading your works out loud does help in the editing process, it helps with the flow of your stories. You have a whole lot of talent just waiting to explode and bloom. I can't wait to see what kind of writer you will be in a year.

We move slowly through the shrouds of fog sending pestilence before us. There is no hope! We are the Death Guard. Fear us for we are coming for you!
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