The story itself is cool as is the idea that you are presenting. The paragraphing is much better in the second part as is the personage. There are questions that end in periods instead of question marks.
Names of people, places and things such as warships, Titans and regiments as well as rankings (Captain, General, Sergeant, Corporal ect) should be capitalized.
Also, the story you are working on does not have to be action the whole way through. Take time for us to get to know the characters, what they look like, how tall they are, hair color eyes, scars , temperament as well as attitudes.
Make the story stretch out, pick at our interest and work hard to make it flow.
Part two flowed much better then chapter one, but there is still room for growth.
It is good that you are taking C&C well and striving to learn. Keep writing, it is the only way to get better.
I have Dyslexia but I wear glasses that help me out. The way you write is the same way that I do when I am not wearing my glasses. Some of your words are jumbled up, sentences unfinished (mostly in the first part).
A computer with spell check will help you a lot. USE IT:-) as well as maybe getting checked out for reading disorders.