i have to agree with serpion, i think much of it could have been drawn out, the battle of the beseiged could quite easily have been drawn into a couple of chapters in itself.
I also felt it was too emotionally devoid, it felt impassive, like a retelling from a history book, rather than the emotional blow by blow account, which would have more impact and also allow you to introduce the personality and traits of the charactor we would follow through the rest of the tale from an outside perspective
I would personally rewrite it perhaps with one of the bladesworn terminators, looking out over the world, a world ravaged by beasts from beyond the stars.
It would allow you liscense to discuss how the world had once been and give you a more emotive and descriptive perspective from which to discuss the events. It would also give you a footing from which to drive the story forward, allowing you to discuss the inspiration that sent you to try and cut off the head of the beast. watch your brothers cut down one by one, until the main charactor rends the head from the beasts shoulder
kudos to lillian thorne for the awesome sig
Last edited by deathbringer; 08-19-11 at 07:43 PM.