The Eternal Watch - Prologue - Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums
Original Works All user written fiction from any Games Workshop setting should be posted here. Please use the drop-downs to denote which setting your story belongs.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-17-11, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
Master of the Watch
 
Kaiden's Avatar
Kaiden's Flag is: Wales
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Swansea, Wales
Posts: 250
Reputation: 2
Default The Eternal Watch - Prologue

Undergoing a full rewrite - Watch this space.

Strike Force Crucible <--- deathwatch army log



You are charged with the crime of existance Xenos! - Watch Librarian Auron

Last edited by Kaiden; 08-23-11 at 03:16 PM.
Kaiden is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-18-11, 01:44 PM
Feed
 
Serpion5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Space
Posts: 10,976
Reputation: 51
Default

You have a decent structure here mate, but I felt that it simply moved too fast. You have covered too much too quickly, resulting in a loss of some description and no sense of character.

For instance, what kind of world was Macelon beyond being icy? Just one extra sentence such as It`s normally barren surface had been invaded by wretched alien flora. would have added just that little extra piece of depth to the setting.

A little more exploration of his emotions could be used as well. He felt lost, he had nobody to turn to. This is good, but it could go further. He began to doubt himself. Why had he survived alone among all others? Why had he been spared the flame? Doubt began to gnaw at his soul as he sank further into grief and despair.

These are just little tidbits you`ll get the hang of as you go. But I see potential here, so keep at it.

You also need to check for punctuation that you`re missing in places.


Nonsense is our Salvation

Serpion5 is offline  
post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-19-11, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
Master of the Watch
 
Kaiden's Avatar
Kaiden's Flag is: Wales
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Swansea, Wales
Posts: 250
Reputation: 2
Default

Thats exactly the sort of feedback i was looking for, thank you.
I'll rewrite properly when i get some more time as I have planed out quite a long story.

Strike Force Crucible <--- deathwatch army log



You are charged with the crime of existance Xenos! - Watch Librarian Auron
Kaiden is offline  
 
post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-19-11, 06:54 PM
description whore
 
deathbringer's Avatar
deathbringer's Flag is: England
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Manchester uni
Posts: 2,864
Reputation: 2
Default

i have to agree with serpion, i think much of it could have been drawn out, the battle of the beseiged could quite easily have been drawn into a couple of chapters in itself.

I also felt it was too emotionally devoid, it felt impassive, like a retelling from a history book, rather than the emotional blow by blow account, which would have more impact and also allow you to introduce the personality and traits of the charactor we would follow through the rest of the tale from an outside perspective


I would personally rewrite it perhaps with one of the bladesworn terminators, looking out over the world, a world ravaged by beasts from beyond the stars.

It would allow you liscense to discuss how the world had once been and give you a more emotive and descriptive perspective from which to discuss the events. It would also give you a footing from which to drive the story forward, allowing you to discuss the inspiration that sent you to try and cut off the head of the beast. watch your brothers cut down one by one, until the main charactor rends the head from the beasts shoulder

kudos to lillian thorne for the awesome sig

Last edited by deathbringer; 08-19-11 at 07:43 PM.
deathbringer is offline  
post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-19-11, 07:36 PM
Senior Member
 
gothik's Avatar
gothik's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Folkestone Kent UK
Posts: 2,172
Reputation: 22
Default

it took me a long time to learn to round my tales off. This is an interesting story but just as i was getting into a part it moved too quickly onto another part and i was left wondering who, where and why.

however that being said i like the main character and think if you go back to the drawing board flesh the prologue out a bit more and his character a little more then you could well be onto a winner here and take your time..something i have had to learn to do

i have always been an amateaur writer but until i started writing on here i thought i was not bad now recently my wriing style has improved thanks to CnC that i get given.
it is these comments that tell you where you might be going wrong or where you are going right.

hope this helps :D
gothik is offline  
post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 08-20-11, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
Master of the Watch
 
Kaiden's Avatar
Kaiden's Flag is: Wales
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Swansea, Wales
Posts: 250
Reputation: 2
Default

Thanks for the help everyone, ive got some time off this week so ill do a full rewrite

Strike Force Crucible <--- deathwatch army log



You are charged with the crime of existance Xenos! - Watch Librarian Auron
Kaiden is offline  
Reply

  Lower Navigation
Go Back   Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums > Fiction, Art and Roleplay Game Discussion > Original Works

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome