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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-25-11, 07:54 AM Thread Starter
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Default The Temptation and Eternal Damnation of Brother Kaleb

Yeah. I already made a thread that featured this story, but I didn't know how to rename the thread. The thread name obviously didn't attract too many readers who'd be interested in the story.

I did this off of the top of my head for my PSAT class. So here it is again. Hope you like it.

The Temptation and Eternal Damnation of Brother Kaleb

It is the 41st Millennium, in the millennia past since the mighty Emperor of Man’s fall at the hands of his favored son, The Warmaster Horus. Horus may have been felled by the mighty Emperor, and his rebellion quelled, but Chaos had already seeped into the hearts of the mighty Space Marines.

The remainder of the marines who followed Horus fled into the Eye of Terror, where they have been stationed for the past 10 millennia, under their new Warmaster, Abaddon the Despoiler, one of Horus’s favored sons.

Aboard the Space Marine strike cruiser, Damnation of Chaos, a warp rift opened up in the bowels of the ship, letting forth an entity by the name of Grülack, a follower of the chaos god, Tzeentch, whom was one of four harbingers of death to all who opposed the will of Chaos.

Winding through the labyrinth in the bowels of the Strike Cruiser, the daemon searched for the one it sought out, a space marine librarian by the name of Kaleb. The dogma preached to them during their training to oppose all who opposed the will of the Emperor, hadn’t stopped the librarian from praying for more power in a clandestine shrine deep inside the ship.

Grülack found the one he sought and spoke to him in mellifluous tones that would easily manipulate the weak mind of the foolish librarian. “You are the one who has called me forth?” The daemon asked.
“Aye, I am.” Kaleb replied. “You want infinite power do you not?” Grülack asked. “Aye, I want power, more power than I am allowed by following the religious dogma these fools constantly spout.” Kaleb replied with hate. “You ask, and you shall receive, but all I ask in return, is your soul.”

“You have it.” Kaleb told the daemon. With his words, the deal was done, and in a cacophony of noise, the power of the warp found its way into the librarian, enhancing his powers and his already impressive stature 10 fold.


Unfortunately for Kaleb, the noise had set off warning klaxons around the ship, warning its occupants that something was amiss.

On the bridge of the ship, the librarian of the Dark Reavers 1st company, Yeremi, demanded the origin of the problem.

“The crew is searching for it as we speak Yeremi.” Admiral Stephan told him. “Sir, I found what caused the warning klaxons to go off!” Shouted one of the crewmen. “The origin is within librarian Kaleb’s room.”

Yeremi nodded his thanks to the admiral and set off on his way to see what Kaleb was up to. If it set off the warning klaxons, then it couldn’t be good. He ran into sergeant BJörn and some of his squad outside the door to Kalebs room.

From within, could be heard low guttural growls that could only belong to a daemon of chaos. Yeremi drew his power sword and his plasma pistol, BJörn and his squad raising their bolters to point at the door. Yeremi made to open it, but was blown backwards into one of the marines by a force that tore the door off of its adamantium hinges. The blast through the door into BJörn and the rest of his men.

Inside could be seen a daemon possessed Kaleb. It looked at the marine, and with a flick of its taloned hands, BJörn and one of his marines collapsed, crimson fountaining from many of their armored joints, while two more were hurled into the nearby bulkheads.

Yeremi pulled himself to his feet, but before he could move to slash at the beast, it said in a deep guttural voice, “The feel of this body is quite wonderful. I would love to test it, but I’m afraid I must leave. My master has need of me.” The beast disappeared into a hole leading directly into the warp, leaving the ship and its crew behind as a mere afterthought. Its last thought before it appeared before its lord, Tzeentch, was of how fickle the minds of humans truly were.


On the Dark Reaver home planet, Yeremi, an injured BJörn, and his marines whom were present outside Kaleb’s room, were gathered before their Chapter Master, Skaldir, presenting him with a report of what happened.

Skaldir wasn’t too pleased at the news, despite the fact that there were no casualties. Yeremi couldn’t say that he had blamed him. If a fellow marine whom had despised Chaos, had willingly given himself up to their ruinous powers, Yeremi would have been furious upon hearing the news. It affronted all that they had stood for and only served as a constant reminder of how the Horus Heresy came about.

Skaldir, with a grim expression, spoke. “My brothers, with a heavy heart, I must send you to retrieve Kaleb, and bring him back here so he may pay for his sins in the only way that he can. With his death.”

The group nodded their understanding. A fellow brother mustn’t be allowed to live in eternal damnation controlled by a daemon.
Kaleb must be retrieved. He must die.

I'm probably going to leave it at this point. I really have no motivation to write a story outside of school when my grade depends on it. But who knows, I may continue it. I guess we'll see.
And about the strike cruiser name? I couldn't think of anything better, so I just went with it.

My youtube channel. Feel free to stop by and have a look if you're interested. I do Airsoft, some warhammer related videos, and gaming videos.

R.I.P. Uncle Lee. You will be greatly missed by us all. We will see each other again some day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CamTheApostle View Post
Remember kids: Violence isn't the answer, its the question. The answer is yes.

Last edited by DeathJester921; 06-28-11 at 09:56 PM.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-28-11, 02:00 AM
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Default Lack of knowledge?

Talk to Boc. Send him the name of the post you originally did then tell him you now have reposted the same story under a differant name. See if he will remove the one with the name you did not want. As it is now reposting the same story under a differant name looks just like spam.

Did you even change anything to make it differant?

You should have contacted Boc, Commissar ploss or another supporter before you reposted.

I do understand you needing feedback so here goes...

Paragraph your work in small chunks so it is easier to read.

Read the story out loud so you can see if it flows well.

Don't quit. Don't repost anything---ever under a differant name without getting info from a supporter who is trained to help you become a better asset to this community. I almost docked you points but I figure you are still learning how things work. I screw up quite oftain and would have been a idiot to nail you.

You do have talent so don't quit! Have fun, I want to read more of what your mind can impose upon us.

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
Other stories from Adrian.
Look up Adrian in the "Compendium" to find them. Thanks
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-28-11, 10:02 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adrian View Post
Talk to Boc. Send him the name of the post you originally did then tell him you now have reposted the same story under a differant name. See if he will remove the one with the name you did not want. As it is now reposting the same story under a differant name looks just like spam.

Did you even change anything to make it differant?

You should have contacted Boc, Commissar ploss or another supporter before you reposted.

I do understand you needing feedback so here goes...

Paragraph your work in small chunks so it is easier to read.

Read the story out loud so you can see if it flows well.

Don't quit. Don't repost anything---ever under a differant name without getting info from a supporter who is trained to help you become a better asset to this community. I almost docked you points but I figure you are still learning how things work. I screw up quite oftain and would have been a idiot to nail you.

You do have talent so don't quit! Have fun, I want to read more of what your mind can impose upon us.
Contacted Boc about the other thread. Hopefully he can delete it.

The paragraphs were small to begin with. They were just bunched together, so I separated them.

As for my talent? Well, thanks for that. I would write more, but i'm lazy, and a procrastinator. Big time. But hey, if you want more, I could see about writing a little more.

Oh, and I made a few edits. Tooks out some of the PSAT words, and rephrased some of the sentences. Should sound a little better now.

My youtube channel. Feel free to stop by and have a look if you're interested. I do Airsoft, some warhammer related videos, and gaming videos.

R.I.P. Uncle Lee. You will be greatly missed by us all. We will see each other again some day.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CamTheApostle View Post
Remember kids: Violence isn't the answer, its the question. The answer is yes.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 06-28-11, 10:20 PM
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I can't delete threads, since only a Mod can do that, I can just edit the FanFic Compendium to remove the older one from the list.


Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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