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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-13-11, 10:29 PM Thread Starter
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Default Lictor Alpha

Lictor Alpha

The jungles of Frezia IV shook under the impacts of tank sized mycetic spores. The defenders kept up the constant stream of las fire, systematically destroying the pods one by one. But more were coming. Some were destroyed before their cargo was even emptied, while others emptied their cargo of screaming claw tooting aliens. But the defenders stood resolute, making the invaders pay for every meter gained with blood. A giant pod hit the ground right in the middle of the Imperial lines. A carnifex burst out of the pod and charged headlong through a squad of guardsmen and rammed a bastion over before being brought low under the constant stream of fire. The guard were holding the Tyranids at bay. Their heavy weapons blasted large holes in the charging alien lines, slaughtering them in the dozens.

But they did not realize the true danger among their own lines. A blur of motion flickered in the trenches, a blur which was almost perfectly undetectable, but not so perfect that one of the guardsmen would not have noticed it. The man barely got time to open his mouth before his head was severed from his shoulder and the deadly assailant was already barreling forward towards the heavy weapons crew. The men were so concentrated at blasting away the approaching swarm that they did not notice the approaching doom. For a second time seemed to stop, and in the next the heavy weapons team was torn apart in a flurry of motion. Blood sprayed forth in great gouts as man after man was torn apart. Then the assailant vanished, as soon as it had appeared.
The Imperial lines were in disarray. Their heavy weapons crews silenced the swarm closed in at a faster pace. The commander tried to resume order, but it was a futile attempt. The Tyranids were amongst them. The sheer tide of small creatures swarmed over the defenders, biting and clawing at every opportunity, ripping of limbs and throwing the mangled bodies high up in the air. Larger creatures ran through walls of concrete metal, crushing them under their sheer weight. The Imperial perimeter had been breached. The artillery batteries were being silenced one after one as the alien swarm brought their crews low and crushed the engines of war.

The shadowy assailant was now upon the roof tops. Jumping from roof to roof, stalking the movements of the Imperial commander. The man was tall, thick through the chest and shoulders. He was accompanied by four other men, all large men, thou nowhere near the bulk of the commander. Towards them flew a piece of aircraft. They were evacuation the base. They were retreating. Missiles screamed through the air and blasted large chunks of the swarm into pieces. The commanders face was filled with relief. It lasted for about a second. In the next moment the Valkyries engines were on fire. Winged aliens were swarming over the gunship, ripping it apart. the gunship fell burning to the ground, and exploded.

The commander was about to open his mouth, but he never got the chance. In the next instant he flying through the air, a pair of hooks through his body dragging him through the air to one of the roof tops. In a blur of motion the shadowy creature took hold the man, ran penetrated his head with one of its long claws. The man`s brain was pulled out of his head. And then the shadowy assailant vanished, and the dead body fell down to the ground.

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know

Last edited by Doelago; 05-13-11 at 10:41 PM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-13-11, 10:43 PM Thread Starter
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Any C&C is, as always, welcome.

The next part should be up sometimes during the weekend.

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-14-11, 09:03 AM
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It`s not bad.

Do you intend this to be a longer story or a series of shorts like this one?


Nonsense is our Salvation

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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-14-11, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Serpion5 View Post
It`s not bad.

Do you intend this to be a longer story or a series of shorts like this one?
Somehow I had guessed that my favorite Xeno lover would be the first one to drop me a comment, lol.

It is going to be an sort of advancing story line, and I hope it will turn out as a long and nice story.

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-14-11, 12:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Doelago View Post
Somehow I had guessed that my favorite Xeno lover would be the first one to drop me a comment, lol.

It is going to be an sort of advancing story line, and I hope it will turn out as a long and nice story.
I`m the fiction guy now. It`s my new thing that I do. I have Featured Fiction now courtesy of Commissar Ploss. (sig! sig! sig!)

So, in the next section I would expect to see some more on specific characters and plot development. This was a good intro, now we need to see where and when this happens, who are the heroes and villains specifically, and what kind of story will they tell?


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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-14-11, 12:44 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Serpion5 View Post
I`m the fiction guy now. It`s my new thing that I do. I have Featured Fiction now courtesy of Commissar Ploss. (sig! sig! sig!)

So, in the next section I would expect to see some more on specific characters and plot development. This was a good intro, now we need to see where and when this happens, who are the heroes and villains specifically, and what kind of story will they tell?
Congratulations on your new title, lol.

For some details about what will be happening next, you could try to think about one of the things our dear alien can do with something a dude at the end lost.

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[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-14-11, 07:37 PM
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The idea is nice, but the end comes too soon. Ok, the Lictor killed a guardsman and now the defense line is in disorder? Even a couple more descriptions of its sabotage actions would have fleshed the story out. Also, it seems that you started to hurry in the last two paragraphs (kappaleet, I'm not sure if I got the right word) as typos and such flourish down there

You have a knack for descriping things, I like the view you give us on the battle and the overall "feeling" of it. I like it, its a good story.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-14-11, 07:40 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Zakath View Post
The idea is nice, but the end comes too soon. Ok, the Lictor killed a guardsman and now the defense line is in disorder? Even a couple more descriptions of its sabotage actions would have fleshed the story out. Also, it seems that you started to hurry in the last two paragraphs (kappaleet, I'm not sure if I got the right word) as typos and such flourish down there

You have a knack for descriping things, I like the view you give us on the battle and the overall "feeling" of it. I like it, its a good story.
Thanks for the comment dude! Will take those points into consideration when writing the 2nd part.

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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-16-11, 09:37 AM
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Great start man, love tyranid stories

Strike Force Crucible <--- deathwatch army log



You are charged with the crime of existance Xenos! - Watch Librarian Auron
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-16-11, 03:51 PM Thread Starter
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Great start man, love tyranid stories
Thanks mate! Was not sure if it is possible to actually write a "Nidish" story.

Part two is coming... In the near future.

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