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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-04-11, 09:46 PM Thread Starter
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Default My Crappy Story II: it sadly continues


Since I had so much fun writing 'My Crappy Story' during the early to late 2010, I have decided to put my dignity and reputation again on the line to write this probably horrifying sequel. As you know it destroyed all reason and logic when it came to the 40k fluff, and this time I will annihilate it completely. However, to those who do not know the first installment, you must read the original here, other wise this is a gibbering blabble of terrible writing drenched with shallow and obnoxious characters. Remember, anyone who will try to find a plot here will be prosecuted. Anyone who tries to find a moral lesson here will be hunted down by the inquisition. Anyone who will try to compare this with the official fluff will go insane. Anyone who will try to take this seriously will be disappointed. Without further a due, here it is.


“Ok guys, I called this meeting so that we can catch up on how everyone is doing in their respective departments. Now I know it’s pretty earlier in the morning, but might as well get this done now than rather leave late today.” Aetius began.

“Yeah, unlike that last meeting on Friday with Typhus complaining about the lack of medical supplies in the staff lounge. Jeez, I’ve never seen such a person freak out over a paper cut.” Loki muttered.

“Oh god don’t get started on that Loki… Now then, let’s start this off with Cindy’s department.”

“Thanks Aetius” Cidny said as she stood up “Now then, the budget cuts in the Sorcerors Heretical Institute of Tzeetch have proven effective in keeping the budget healthy, but the staff cut back wasn’t as good as we thought it was. Accountant Sindri as you know was let off and was replaced with a horror.”

“How did that go?” Aetius asked.

“Not well. The most common complaint was that nobody could understand a single word that demon was gibbering about and that it continuously came up with radical financial reports, such as stating we lost over twenty five trillion dollars over the last two days. Also it was reported that whenever it got frustrated it would throw demonic fire at the other staff and cause property damage, such as the destruction of several printers and copiers. Last, many complained that it would sometimes defecate near the staff coffee machine in the lunch room, often leaving a horrible mess and smell behind. I’m sorry to say, but we need a bigger budget to hire someone decent staff around.”

Aetius pondered for a moment about this report. “Well, I suppose we could add a bit more to your guy’s budget here and hire a bit more competent staff. That should solve it.”

“I believe so.” Cindy agreed.

“Ok, Gorgoth, how well are you guys in the Blood Training Camp?”
The giant khornite berserker slowly stood and cleared his throat as he was addressed.

“WE NEED MORE CHAIN AXES!!!!” He roared.

“I thought we dumped you guys with one hundred of them last week?” Aetius pointed out.


“So have you checked the locker room?”

Gorgoth stood there for a moment thinking over the fact that he had never checked the locker room.

“I’ll be right back then…” He said as he made his way out of the meeting room.

“Ok… Next, Plubonic of the Plague Institute of Septic Servants, tell us what going on.” Aetius continued.

There was no answer surprisingly. Aetius again asked out loud, but still there was no answer from him. Several members looked around and found that he wasn’t here at all.

“Uh Aetius, Plubonic is out sick today, he says he got a bad case of the flu.” Loki pointed out.

“Really? Well, I’m not surprised. Heard that the flu bug is spreading around here and he must have caught it. Sucks to be him then.” Aetius said sympathetically. “Well, I can see our business is done here seeing that all is addressed, so you guys are all excused, I have a new group of members and cultists to address today, so I need to prepare. Hope these changes work out well and of course praise chaos or whatever the hell you guys worship.”
The officials of the departments got up and left the room after saying good bye, leaving Aetius to prepare his speech.


Aetius entered the large auditorium, its seats packed with recent traitors, heretics and young cultists, all eagerly waiting for their introduction to chaos.

“Greetings my fellow heretics, my name is Aetius and today I will go over the wonders of chaos and how to help you choose your deity to serve for all of eternity.” Aetius said as he got onto the podium. “Now then, I hope you read over the basic warnings and health risks about joining the forces of chaos and worshipping the gods. It is quite important for you to know what you are getting into.”

“When we read the brochure it didn’t tell us anything about health risks or warnings.” Said a marine in the back row.

“Well then, do you guys want to hear the hazards or shall I continue on?” Aetius asked.

The crowed looked at him nervously, contemplating on whether they wanted to hear the possible horrors that chaos could bring or just continue on in ignorance.

“I want to hear it… You know… Just to make sure that I am not getting into something dangerous here or anything…” Said a woman in the back.

“Well then, here is what it says in the recruitment pamphlet. WARNING: Side effects of joining chaos may include murder, rape, disease, possession, mutation, horrible mutation, super rape, loss of hearing, madness, prostate cancer, damnation, racism, uncontrollable hate, nerd rage, chronic masturbation, death, super AIDs, paranoia, schizophrenia, teen angst, cancer, diabetes, incessant complaining about mundane things, diarrhea, constipation, terrifying nightmares, loss of memory, vulgar humor, ADHD, insomnia, obesity, and conversion to Mormonism.” Aetius read out loud.

The room was silent after hearing the long list, all wondering if it was such a good thing to follow chaos after all.

“Any questions about the warnings?” Aetius asked with a smile.

“wait… what was that last one again?” Asked a heretic in the front.

“Moving on, as I said before, this is an introduction to the wonderful world of eternal service to the chaos gods. Now then, the first thing you must need to know about chaos and the gods is that once you join you completely for fit your life and soul to eternal damnation. However, after years of hard work and sacrifice, you may have the possibility of earning back some of your agency, a goal and reward worth working for. But for the most part there is no chance of retrieving the freedom you have now ever again. That’s basically all there is to know, but to be honest this is an oversimplified definition of your existence with chaos. The much more detailed version is far more disturbing and far more nihilistic, emphasizing more on how insignificant your life and existence truly is. However, we will go over that later.”

One of the young cultists in the back raised his hand nervously as soon as Aetius took a pause.

“You have a question?” Aetius said as he pointed at the young man.

“Yeah… Besides the whole theme of damnation and eternal pain, are there any real benefits that we get when we join like they said in the brochure?… you know, the benefits that come off the back immediately like health insurance or a free car or something on the lines of that?…” the young man asked.

“That is an excellent question my good friend! The most straight forward answer to that is no. However, if you worship Nurgle you do get a 50% discount on your dental and catastrophic insurance. Slaanesh also offers some medical coverage as well in the field of STDs, but within the big picture you just screwed over from day one.”

“Okay, just wanted to clear that up…” The young man said happily satisfied with the answer.

“I too have a question” Said a marine in the back. “The pamphlet talked about when you worship Khorne, you worship him through anger and violence. To me that’s a little vague, so could you clear that up for us?”

“Of course!” Aetius gleefully said “I have a slight specialty in Khorne worship thanks to the misses. Actually, anything violent and full of hate is a form of worship. For example if someone was to accidently bump into you and you punched them in the face out of pure anger that is a form of worship for the blood god.”

“So for example if I were to piss on someone’s house and the home owner came out to stop me but then I fought back and killed him because he tried to stop me from peeing on his house, would that be considered to Khonite worship?” The marine asked again.

“Depends. If you are peeing on his house because you are angry at him and you kill him out of pure hate, then yes that pleases Khorne. But if you were to do it out of fun and pleasure, then no, that fuels Slaanesh.” Aetius answered again. “Any more questions people, because we need to move on pretty soon.”

“I have a question also” Said a woman in the front.

“Okay, this is the last one then.” Aetius stated to the audience.

“Yes, does joining chaos affect the lives of your immediate family or does it only affect you? And if so, is it good to spread the word around as well?”

“Well of course it affects you and your loved ones around! What better way of concerning your friends and family through incoherent rambling and sporadic outbursts of extreme mental break downs in front of them! It’s good to spread the good news as well. Like the old phrase, the more heretics the better!” Aetius laughed. “Now then, let us continue.”

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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-04-11, 10:09 PM
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Oh dear lord... there's more!

A good intro for the sequel, quite amusing and I look forward to see where the shenanigans begin to grow.

Now what chaos god is it if I just want to pee on the house because I'm bored?

Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

Originally Posted by spanner94ezekiel View Post
3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-11, 01:18 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Boc View Post
Oh dear lord... there's more!

A good intro for the sequel, quite amusing and I look forward to see where the shenanigans begin to grow.

Now what chaos god is it if I just want to pee on the house because I'm bored?
Oh yeah, theres moar.

Well, if you want to be a troll for peeing on someone's house, you do that in the name of Malal, but for boredom? Might as well make one up.

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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-11, 10:25 AM
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-11, 01:36 AM Thread Starter
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Unlike last time, there won't be chapters. Just one long continuous blabbling story.


Aetius ate his lunch in the corner of the staff lounge, finishing off another successful morning at work. But just as he finished the last bite of his sandwich, a large looming shadow was suddenly over him.

“We are legion…” said a deep voice quietly.

Aetius swung around to see the steel face of a chaos terminator, its forehead bearing the mark of Chaos Undivided and the sides covered with horns.

“Hey, s’up Kallikan!” Aetius greeted.

The massive terminator grabbed the chair next to Aetius and sat down, but his massive weight and build bent the wimpy steel and plastic chair as he relaxed in it.

“So broski, hows it going?” Aetius asked.

“You should have seen the raptor training session today, it was funny as hell. Watching those marines putting on their packs for the first time was like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a door knob. Seriously, it’s not that hard to put on those dam packs. A person with a single brain cell and a pulse can put one on in a minute. By the gods I wanted to smack them in the face for such idiotocracy. Then I had to deal with a bunch of bull shit about the Rubric Marine Union and how they aren’t getting paid enough in their respective field. Seriously, what the hell are a bunch of suits of armor going to buy? A swiffer brush to clean up the dust inside? Man, this place is packed with more idiots than a Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movie set. Besides my bitching, hows it going for you?”

“Well, I addressed a new group of traitors today which was quite interesting. The majority of the crowd was a bunch of angry teenagers trying to be rebellious against their parents. Oh well, at least we got most of the crowd to check out the booths outside on which god to choose.”

“I remember the introduction speech” Kallikan laughed “There was a bunch of idiots in the front making demonette jokes and how they are going to have an orgy with them. The speaker told them that it was a bad and common misconception, but they didn’t listen. Next thing we know we see them running out of room, screaming about how the demonettes tried to convert them to Mormonism. Poor fools. Couldn’t blame them for siding with Khorne.”

“Don’t even get me started on my first encounter” Aetius chuckled. “I was never so shocked in my life when that happened.”

“Speaking of that, a bunch of demonettes yesterday tried to break in and set up a booth of their own in the lobby. Took three obliterators and four terminators to get rid of them and removed any evidence of their presence… Need to tighten security in case of that shit every happens again.” Killikan said as he pulled out a cold one from his storage unit on his back.

“Yeah. I’m going to try to recruit more security guards around here. It’s been hard to find any to help out since the plague marines joined the security force… The locker rooms are never the same since they joined… Anyhow, anything else or is that it?” Aetius asked.

“Well, got a new place next to the Templum Inficio. Pretty good view of down town and the temple itself. The only problem is that I have to live next to a family devoted of Nurgle. Smells like shit and diabetes every time I have to walk by. But other than that, it’s a steal. Speaking of which, hows the family?”

Aetius sighed with a smile on his face “Oh nothing too special. Got Ishtail into a school on Ulthwe and she’s been doing pretty well. Though I have gotten a few calls from the teacher about some of her antics, but then again, she is a child. Can’t expect her to pick a path when she is only about eleven. Vicky and I have never been better. Only times when she drags me up the wall is when she slaughters the neighbors over a simple argument or when she butchers everyone in the web way when she takes Ishtail to school. Other than that, things have been going great. And you?”

“Well, got news that my granddaughter just got promoted to the rank of Sister Superior. Can’t wait for the day to see her fall to the dark side.” Killikan laughed. “Two of them already joined the ranks of the Lost and Dammed, might was well continue the family tradition.”

“You are just terrible you know that?”

“Of course I am! I’m a chaos space marine!” Killikan again joked.

“Sorry to break it, but my lunch is over. Good to see you again. Hope you do well in your next tutorial.” Aetius said.

“Oh dear lord don’t remind me. Got to teach abunch of marines how to drive a rhino by the Deplorium. I tell ya, this is not going to be pretty somehow. Anyways, see ya mate.”

The clock rang one and signaled that their lunch break was over. Both parted and went their ways.


“… And then Khaine got into a fight with Vaul over the last piece of pizza. The two battled over each other through a series of trials called ‘The Tests of the Pretty Pink Ponies’. These tests included eating one hundred marshmallows, have a pillow fight against each other for one hour and stand on their heads for two days. But during that time, Faolchu took the last piece of pizza and ate it. Isha got mad because the pizza didn’t belong to him, but to make up for that he bought four buckets of cookie dough ice cream and everyone had an ice cream party. But Khaine still wasn’t happy, because he wanted chocolate mousse ice cream, not cookie dough. But then after some finger painting and comic book reading, Khaine calmed down and everyone was happy, the end… Oh yeah, Slaanesh crashed the party drunk and ruined it for everyone.”

Farseer Idranel and the other students looked at Ishtail with utmost confusion over her report about Eldar Mythology. Everything, every single detail, was completely wrong.

“Uh Ishtail. I am going to ask you… Did you study at all?” Idranel asked.

“Of course I did! But it was soooo boring! So I made it better!” Ishtail smiled.

“You know that you were supposed to follow the criteria even if it was boring young lady.”

“There was criteria?” Ishtail lied, acting like she didn’t know about it at all.

“Ugghhh… Ok kids, as you can see we will need to continue tomorrow since were out of time. Now remember, get your parents to sign that permission slip as soon as possible. We leave to go see craft world Iyanden two days from now and this field trip is important, so I say again, don’t forget your permission slip. Everyone else but Ishtail can go, because I need to talk to her.” Idranel said as she locked her eyes on Ishtail.

The students got up and grabbed their stuff and headed out, leaving only Ishtail and Idranel in the empty room.

“Come take a seat here.” Idranel pointed out.

Ishtail slowly got onto the seat, nervous at what at the farseer is going to talk about.

“You are a very bright student Ishtail. Much more than any other that I have had. But this recent streak of misbehavior is becoming a problem so I need to talk to your parents.”

Ishtail paused for a moment after that. She thought to herself for a moment about that request. It would be insane to bring Aetius and Vicky down here to talk she thought. A human cultist and a demon on a craft world? Might as well bring Billy Mays to Nurgle’s garden Ishtail thought again.

“Is that going to be a problem?” Idranel asked.

“Uhhhh… I will tell them that…” Ishtail slowly said.

“Well then. In the mean time I’m going to have to give you a D minus on this report.”

“A D MINUS?!” Ishtail screamed.

“Yes, a D minus. You didn’t follow any of the criteria and you story is completely off.” Idranel said as she ignored Ishtail’s shock. “Those are the rules missy, and I can’t bend them for you. How are you going to be an educated eldar if you get our heritage wrong?”

Ishtail just sat there as she absorbed the fact that she near failed her report. She couldn’t leave and tell Aetius and Vicky about this grade. They will surely be unhappy about this and Vicky might even go on a killing spree in the neighborhood again, a completely unpleasant sight. But as soon as all hope was lost, an idea of getting out of this popped into her noggin.

“Well alright, if it’s a D minus then I will diffidently show everyone the ‘video’.” Ishtail said with a grin.

“What video?” Idranel asked with suspicion.

“Oh nothing. Just a video of a certain place in Commorragh on the night of September 23, M49.983.” Ishtail said slyly.

Idranel didn’t get it at first, but like a flash of lightning it came to her.

“You better not be talking about what I think you’re talking about.” Idranel said nervously.

“K’balaic Underground… Thee place for a donkey show.”

Idranel’s fear now came to past. It mattered not how Ishtail got footage of her in that horrible shameful club, it only mattered that if she would release it or not.

"You're lying!" Idranel fearfully claimed.

"Got it on my mac book... ready to be uploaded on YouTube at any second..." Ishtail continued to taunt.

Idranel broke. It wasn't worth risking to ignore her.

“Ok! Ok! Ok!” Idranel gave in to Ishtail’s trap. “What do you want…”

Ishtail smiled at her for giving in to her demands.

“I want that D minus into an A minus. And I want my detention tomorrow be removed.”

“Deal!” Idranel agreed.

Ishtail watched in joy as Idranel erased the D and replaced it with an A. She then snatched the paper and put in her back pack and hopped out of the room victorious over her battle with the farseer. Once the room was empty once more, Indranel unlocked a small cabinet behind her and pulled out a small bottle of brandy, pulling off the lid and taking a swig.

“I ask myself every night why I treat the other races as sick inferior beasts when I degrade myself Mexican Style.” Indranel shamefully told herself. “Stupid snot nosed brats…”


Last edited by ThatOtherGuy; 04-06-11 at 05:54 AM. Reason: typo
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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-11, 04:44 AM
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I haven`t read the originals but somehow this was all the more hilarious for not knowing how it began. Good work.

Nonsense is our Salvation

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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-11, 05:16 AM Thread Starter
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You should read the original otherwise you won't get half of the humor. I went back a while ago and cleaned up all my noobish grammar problems in it.

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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-11, 07:15 PM Thread Starter
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Another day done at school, Ishtail joyfully walked and skipped through the webway back towards the gate that secretly let out in downtown Sicarus, passing merrily by other kin and rouge Dark Eldar. Ever since the end of her adventures a year ago, Ishtail and her new family have been living safely in the down town of Sicarus, close by to the Balisica of the World and the Forum. While many mortals would think living on a demon world to be a hell hole, Ishtail found no problem with it. In fact, over the past year she kind of enjoyed the vivid life and close family on Sicarus. Aetius and Vicky being her new proud parents while having a nice comfortable home in thanks from great great great uncle Harrison Launance, aka High Dark Apostle Lord Draco of the Dark Council, had made life for her now better than ever. However, the only problem with her new home was being forced to wear the eight pointed start on her chest for safety reasons, because as long as you are wearing some sort of chaos symbol, no matter how off your clothing is, you will fit in just fine. But that truly never bothered her, for life as of now was too good.

After making through the gate and now onto the blood encrusted street, Ishtail walked only a few blocks before arriving at her home complex. With a twist and push, she entered into the chaos high life apartment complex and took the elevator to the third floor. Finally she arrived at room 666: home. Doing her usual routine, she opened the door, kicked off her shoes, grabbed the box of Lucky Charms in the kitchen and plopped herself in front of the tube. However, this time someone else was occupying her favorite spot on the couch.


“Oh hey sweetie. I got done with work today early if you wanted to know.”
Ishtail sat on the couch with Aetius, furiously munching away on the Lucky Charms.

“Watcha watching?” She said while spitting out crumbs from her stuffed mouth.

“The news, in other words nothing good.” Aetius said as he turned off the tv. “So how was school today?”

“Black mailed the teacher on my report today.” She said with pride.

“What?!” Aetius said in shock.

“Yeah, you see, last night I was too tired to study the fairy tales assigned so I was about to give up, but then it came to me.” Ishtail said, acting out like her soon solution was some sort of prophetic dream.

“Oh yeah? Enlighten me.” Aetius rolled his eyes.

“So I called Brutacus and asked him about studying and he told me to make up stuff. That’s how he became a justicar for a while. He says it’s the best trick in the book!” She said with a smile.

“Honey, you could have asked me or Vicky for help you know. Asking Brutacus for advice is like asking an Ork about the topic of docile peace.”

“Well I thought you guys would get mad at me for procrastinating.” Ishtail said with a hint of fear.

Aetius scooted over and gave her a hug.

“This is only going to happen once and once only. Ok?” Aetius said as he looked straight into the eldar child’s eyes.


“Good. Now then, let’s keep this conversation to ourselves, lest Vicky finds out about this, for we don’t want face complete hell again.”

Ishtail nodded her head in agreement, understanding the possible scenario if Vicky heard in on this. But to their surprise, this scenario was already in motion. Both of them heard the footsteps of cloven feet on the floor outside the room… Angry and furious sounding footsteps. They watched next the door swing open, crashing into the wall with unnatural momentum. There on the threshold was the beautiful, but insanely angry misses. In her left hand was a bag of groceries and in her right a hell blade with a head pierced on the end, with the final topping of blood strewn over half of her body.

“You wouldn’t believe what happened at store today!” She screamed at the top of her lungs with pure rage.

While Aetius and Ishtail showed concern with this about to begin rant, both knew inside that this was one of her Khornite moments.

“What happened?” Aetius asked.

Vicky set down the groceries on the table but then threw the head of her recent victim on Aetius’s lap.

“Well I was trying to get a chicken for dinner tonight and found that the store only had one left! So I went over there and was about to buy it for us, but then this Nurgle bitch said she needed it! I told her to go fuck herself with penicillin doused chainsword, but then she said she needed to feed the nurglings at home! I told her to shut her STD yammer because I had a real family to feed! But then she went on some fucking rambling about sharing and shit, but after she started talking shit about us, I fucking had it! So you know what?! I FUCKING BROKE THAT BITCH! I RIPPED HER FUCKING GUTS OUT AND LOBBED OFF HER HEAD LIKE A PUSSY! FUCKING WHORE SHE WAS! Then the store manager told me to calm down and get out, but I told that son of a bitch to fuck off! GOD DAM BASTARD!”

“Honey, just calm down, you got the chicken and you got dinner.” Aetius said, trying to calm the wrath of Khorne’s daughter.

“Oh Just shut the fuck up!” She screamed.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Aetius yelled back.

Ishtail watched as the conversation degraded even more, watching them banter back and forth with insults and foul language. But this wasn’t unusual in the house hold. Ishtail grabbed the Lucky Charms and sat on the sofa once again, watching some program on rape while munching on the sugar overdosed cereal. She already knew the outcome of this argument. They would go to extremes first like saying that they wish they never met, then towards the end they would kiss and make up, ending the small event telling each other that it was nothing more than a silly gripe and they would forget about it like nothing happened at all. Then the rest of the day would be normal unless something else comes up. Finally they would add the cherry on top of the day with an hour long session of angry sex around ten. That was the small routine on certain days like this. But this didn’t annoy her at all too much surprise.

It was around six thirty when dinner was served. Of course time was completely different on a demon world, they surprisingly did their best keeping track of materium time for the sake of outside life. Aetius and Vicky talked about their day and what was next to come for the week while Ishtail sat there and ate her food quietly, listing to the adult’s conversation. But today she had to bring up the important topic. It was today or never.

“Aetius… Vicky… Could you sign my permission slip for my classes’ field trip? Tomorrow is going to be the last day and I need to turn it in.”

The two of them looked at her with slight surprise. This is the first time she had brought this up.

“Sure sweetie, it’s about time that your school actually did something different. Better than that last field trip with you visiting a Necron tomb.” Vicky said.

Istail ran over back to her bag and grabbed the sheet of paper, but when she came back to the table it was too late: they were arguing furiously again. Ishtail sighed now knowing that none of them would sign it, for they were now in the deepest part of their rage. She went to her room, sighing as he plopped on her bed. Another one of the few disappointing moments in her life. But when all hope was lost, another one of her crazy ideas popped into her head to solve this problem. She could make it back in home on time if she went now, but was it worth it? Yes it was, she concluded, yes it was.


It was her first time on titan, home of the great and mysterious grey knights chapter. She walked in through the main doors unnoticed and stood in awe at the magnificent silver and golden architecture. She could see the hundreds of servants, inquisitors and knights working about with their war against the demons of the gods. But her visit was not for a tour of the place. No, she was here because she needed to see him. All was fine and dandy until one of the grey knights spotted her. She sensed under his helm that he spotted a flaw about her… a horrible glaring flaw.

“How can this be?!” Roared the knight.

Ishtail couldn’t understand how they spotted her; she had the imperial badge on her chest. But it was too late: immediately the entire area was mobilizing against her. But it wasn’t till one of the knights screamed out that chaos had invaded their secret base. With that said, she looked down on her chest and found the eight pointed start still pinned to her eldar cloths, forgetting that she forgot to change badges. She simply un pinned the chaos badge and then reached to her back pocket and slapped on the symbol of the inquisition on her chest. She did it in the nick of time. When she looked up, hundreds of storm bolters and nemesis force weapons were pointed at her, the blades only a foot away from her face. But when they saw her badge, they withdrew their weapons and returned at ease.

“False alarm!” Cried one of them. “False alarm!”

The knights dispatched after the call, apologizing for their misidentification of the little girl.

“We are so sorry young child. For a moment we thought you were a chaos spy, but after a closer look were saw you were part of the inquisition. A thousand apologies once again.” An inquisitor said with honesty.

She watched them return to work as if nothing happened. Again Aetius was right about the galaxy: no matter what you look like, as long as you wear the faction’s symbol on you, you will fit in with them with no problem, a tactic that is stupidly fool proof.

After that little run in, Ishtail continued down the halls of the titan, searching for the particular room where he stayed. Again and again, each and every one room she peered in was not his room. Finally she had enough; she will just ask someone. Ishtail looked around to see which person she could ask, but all she could see were servants and technicians. But she finally saw someone that looked worthy of asking. She skipped over to the ornate knight in the corner, whistling on the way. She stopped in front of him, seeing that he was a great boon of a man, wielding and incredibly wicked and savage looking sword, something completely different than the standard grey knight weapon.

“Excuse me sir, but I am looking for a friend and…”

“Do not tempt me child, for I have a very sacred duty at hand! I am Castellan Crowe, wielder of the Blade of Antwyr, guardian of this demonic blade from the hands of the chaotic! I am the purist…”

“And here he goes again…” Said a distorted obnoxious voice.

Ishtail looked to see who interrupted this knight’s speech but could not find anyone except the two of them in this area. Again she looked, but no one was to be found.

“Enough demon blade, for you cannot tempt me!” Crowe spoke as he eyed his blade.

“Yeah, but I can annoy the shit out of you faggot!” The blade glowed as it spoke again.


“Make me asswipe. You’re stuck with me and I am going to make your life a living hell.”

“Again, thou shall not tempt me or corrupt me!” Crowe stated angrily.

“Look at me! I am the grweatest of all gwey knights! Durpy durp durp!” The blade mocked once more.

Ishtail could sense the blade getting on Crowe’s nerves once more.

“Fine, you wan’t to play the insult game?! Well go ahead, I will not degrade myself to your antics!” Crowe stated.

“Phttpp! You degraded yourself already you stupid twat.” The blade laughed.

“Prove it!”

“Ok! Commorragh, night of September 23, M49.983.” The blade began. “It was you and that flat chested pancake butt farseer, both of you getting your freak on with donkey costumes at that Donkey show fetish club…”

“OK THAT’S ENOUGH!” Crowes yelled as he wrapped the blade furiously with a holy cloth.

“You can’t hide the truth you faggot!” The blade said with a muffled voice. “You’re a dirty little fur fag!”

Ishtail looked at Crowe, his face covered with humiliation and disgrace. With that said, Crowe slowly walked away, muttering to himself about his shitty task.

“Hey, remember that one time you got so stoned that you…” The muffled sword began to speak as they both walked away.

“Oh shut up…” Were the last words Ishtail could hear from Crowe as he faded in the distance.

With that over, Ishtail continued her search for the room she needed to find… For she had to get the permission slip signed tonight from him or this would all be in vain.


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She checked the main hall, the side halls and every corridor on this rock for his room but Ishtail still couldn’t find it. She has been at this for hours and asked so many people for where he is, but all have just pointed in vague directions. Her patience was running low and her desperation of getting her permission slip grew higher. By the time she checked the last hall that regular members were allowed to go through, she slumped on the floor in defeat.

“Ah poopie…” Ishtail said to herself. “Now I will never go on that field trip.”

As she sat there on the floor with all hope drained out of her, a faint aroma passed her by. This smell was like no other to Ishtail which immediately caught her attention. The odor of booze, man sweat and broken dreams filled her eldar nose as she concentrated more on the smell. She was close.

Immediately she jumped up and followed the trail of the sent like a wild hound dog. Sprinting through the halls and corridors, her nose continued to lead her. Finally her trail stopped, the pungent odor’s origin was found. She stared up at a door with rust biting on the sides. Compared to all of the other Grey Knight private quarter’s doors, this one looked like a mess… A specific person’s mess. Without hesitation Ishtail joyfully knocked on the door. She waited for a moment, but no one answered. She tried again, but still there was no answer. On her third try she got some results. On the other side of the door she heard the sounds of a drunken heathen swearing out loud as he walked over to the door.

“This better be important you little fuckwad!” The man said on the other side.

Ishtail stood there with a large smile on her face as the door swung open.

“Brutacus!” Ishtail screamed with delight.

“Oh fuck you!” He yelled back as he slammed the door in her face.

With the door closed, Brutacus turned around to resume what he was doing but standing right in front of him was Ishtail, still giving off that large smile.

“Oh the fuck did you get in?!” Brutacus roared.

Ishtail just stood there unchanged with the giant adorable smile on her face, hinting Brutacus the answer.

“Oh that’s right… you’re an eldar… Fucking space elves.” Brutacus mumbled.

The grey knight walked over to grab his half drunk bottle of gin while Ishtail plopped herself onto his coffee table.

“So what are you her for?” Brutacus said as he sat on the couch.

“Just saying hi…” Said Ishtail with smile.

“Bullshit… You want me to do something huh?”

“Can you sign my permission slip?” Ishtail said as she held up the wrinkled piece of paper.

“Why can’t Aetius or Vicky sign it?”

“Well I tried, but then they got into a fight and I need it signed by tomorrow and you’re the last person to go to and… yeah that’s it!”

“For the first time your reason to annoy me once more is legit.” Brutacus admitted.

“Really!?” Ishtail was surprised.

“If you tried again later with them, it wouldn’t be ‘Blood for the Blood God’ at the table; it would be ‘Porn for the Porn God’ in the bedroom.” Brutacus muttered.

“What does that mean?” Ishtail said confused.

“Don’t worry about it… Once you hit puberty it will make sense then.” Brutacus said as he walked into the kitchen to fetch a pen.

While Brutacus walked back into the kitchen, Ishtail looked around his place. She has never been inside of Brutacus’s room before. The place smelled like bourbon, beer, sex and bad deodorant. The floor was un-vacuumed and dirty, the walls were musty and smelly and the rest of the place was reminiscent of a trailer trash home to the extreme. She saw in the corner the stand that his armor is supposed to be on, but the armor itself was left in a messy pile right next to it. She found some porn magazines on the coffee table along with some empty beer bottles. The sofa didn’t look any better: stains, more bottles and a pair of underwear belonging to a wytch. Such was the state of the room that it made Ishtail slightly nauseated now she realized it.

“Ok, here you go you little brat. Now then, get out of here, I got get out of this wife beater and into my armor… got some company to meet up.” Brutacus said as he shoved the now stained permission slip in her hand.

“Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!” Ishtail squealed with delight, hugging his leg.

“Ah for fucks sake.” Brutacus muttered as he kicked the child of his leg. “Now get out of here.”

But too much dismay, the child didn’t leave.

“I said get out!”

“But I wana see your place more! And I’m thirsty and hungry!” She said.

“No! I told you I-“

“PLEASE!!!??” Ishtail begged in the most adorable manner.

Brutacus face palmed himself. “Fine! I will fix you a snack, but then you have to fuck off!”

“YEAAAA!!!” Ishtail screamed victoriously.

“God dam child…” Brutacus mumbled as he walked back into the kitchen again.

Ishtail followed behind him into the pig sty of a kitchen. Unsurprisingly the kitchen was just as ugly as the main room: The floors were slightly sticky and the sink was dominated by dirty dishes. Brutacus reached into the fridge to grab a beer and a block of cheddar cheese. He set the two items down in front of Ishtail on the kitchen table.

“There! This is about as safe of food as you can eat here.” He presented.
Ishtail looked at the cheese and found its edges to be moldy and dry, while the beer itself was just pure alcohol.

“Is that it?” She asked as her left eye brow rose.

“What?! You want some vodka and dried out ritz crackers instead?” He sarcastically suggested.

“You know what? I’m not hungry any more” Ishtail said as she left her set, completely grossed out over the food.

“Fine then you little shit. Get out of here and go home”

Ishtail grabbed her slip and walked out of Brutacus’s place. Once she crossed the threshold, the door behind her slammed shut, with the familiar sounds of vulgar language coming from the other side.


Last edited by ThatOtherGuy; 04-08-11 at 08:00 AM.
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“Ok kids, I hope you brought your lunches and a nice coat today, for it will be a bit chilly on Iyanden. Now then let’s hustle over to the webway, were already behind schedual.”

The students proceeded to get out of their desks and line up neatly as they followed Idranel out of the class room. While the students walked behind in a semi automatonic manner, Ishtail skipped and hopped behind everyone else, rejoicing to herself about being liberated from a stuffy classroom for a day. The students then met up with their armed chaperons as they entered the webway itself. After an hour navigating through the nether transit system, the class arrived at Iyanden’s gate. The dusty webway door opened up to a sight that they never expected. The students looked in awe at the Tyranid destroyed world, its spires and beautiful buildings now lay in ruins. Among the ruins of the once proud craftworld were some left over tyranid hides and bones, dotting the landscape as a reminder to all of their power and impact.

“Students, to remind you of the rules while were here you are not allowed to leave the sight of me or the guardians. Also please refrain from touching or playing on unsafe structures. Don’t forget- ISHTAIL! Get over here!”

Ishtail stood above the students and chaperones on a crumbled building, wearing the empty skull of a lictor on her head.

“Get down here at once!” Idranel ordered.

“Rarrr!!” Ishtail roared as she imitated a lictor.

One of the guardians went off to get her, but as he drew closer Ishtail leaped onto another pile of rubble. Again the guardian pursued her but every step he took Ishtail took another step away. Finally the guardian had enough and sprinted after her. When he was about an arm’s reach from her, Ishtail jumped into an abandoned cellar of a large and dark building. Sighing at the sight of this, the guardian climbed down after her into the darkness. However, the cellar was much darker and deeper than he anticipated; the only light source was the opening in which he came down from.

“Little child… come here, we need to get back to the group otherwise you will be in big trouble.” The guardian softly spoke.

No reply. The guardian soon felt the fear that the child might be hurt from the fall or even worse… dead. He continued to search in the pitch black darkness, using his feet and hands to guide him along the walls. Eventually he felt what was the end of the cellar room. Instead of blindly searching on, the guardian proceeded to head back up the small shaft which he and Ishtail entered, thinking that he could get some of the other guardians to help. He was about to reach the top of the opening, but little did he know that something was waiting for him at the top.


The guardian screamed as he fell back down in the cellar as Ishtail popped up from out of nowhere. She watched the man hit the ground with a loud bone breaking sound followed by a terrible cry. She took off the skull to get a better look at him but she could see nothing through the thick darkness. She contemplated on what to do, freaking out as she heard his cries of pain and howls of agony. Should she go down and help him like a good Samaritan or leave him be like the lazy butt she it?

“Are you ok?” She asked worried.

“No! I am perfectly fine! What do you think?!” The guardian sarcastically cried back.

“Should I get someone?”

“Of course not! I will just drag my paralyzed lower body up these steep steps with my one functional hand while I bleed internally near my spine! I am totally fine!”

“Ok, if you’re fine then I will see you later.”

The guardian was shocked to see his sarcasm fly over the child’s head as she turned around and left. He cried for Ishtail for help, but it was too late. Ishtail skipped back to her group, blissfully believing that he was okay. When she did return to the class however, Idranel wasn’t too happy.

“Dammit Ishtail! As soon as I say something that you are not supposed to do, you go off and do it!” Idranel scorned as Ishtail returned.

“I’m sorry, but this place is so boring” Ishtail complained. “I just wanted to have fun.”

“This is an important field trip and I don’t want any screw ups like putting your life in jepordy! Acting like this will get you killed like the loss of D’yyalrd when we went to the Nightbringer’s tomb world! So behave!”

“You mean D’yyalrd and Mithilarius along with the four chaperons…” Ishtail quietly corrected.

“That’s not the point here!” Idranel said as she waved her arms in the air out of frustration “The point is that I want things to go without a hitch… Now then, where the hell is that guardian?”

“Uhhhmmmm…. He said he needed to go take a poopy.” Ishtail lied.

“Oh for the love of Khaine… Fine then, let us continue children.”

The students followed Idranel once more until they reached a lookout point. From there the group could see the entire ruined landscape of Iyanden. Again the landscape was dotted with the tyranid dead and the ruined structures. It was a completely dead world.

“About twenty years ago this used to be a proud and wonderful craftworld” Idranel began “It was home to some of the proudest eldar and to the greatest fleet that ever existed. It was destroyed when hive fleet Leviathan attacked, in which it wiped out the entire population. Ever since, we have left this world alone as a reminder of the terrible power the tyranids have. As you see there is no hope of this world ever recovering-”

“Hey look!” Ishtail yelled.

The group looked and saw a small group of eldar in rugged dirty clothing picking up reusable materials in the distance as if they were trying to rebuild something. Their incredibly faded clothing bore the faint colors and symbols of the late craftworld to much of the group’s surprise. Idranel saw this and leaned over to one of the guardians and whispered an order into his ear. The next thing the students saw was the guardians hunting down and killing the last remaining Iyanden eldar mercilessly. With a few shrieks and screams of agony, the last survivors of Iyanden were killed. The students just stood there with their eyes wide open and their mouths to the ground in disbelief at what just happened.

“Anyways students, as I was saying before there are no living survivors of Iyanden left. Now, who’s ready for some lunch?” Idnarel said with a light smile.


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