Viasperon's Story (Dark Eldar) Intro. + "Chapter 1?" - Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-03-11, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Default Viasperon's Story (Dark Eldar) Intro. + "Chapter 1?"

Hi all,
I'm just throwing the Chapters of this story out here for comments and criticism, so feedback is most welcome (I need to know how to improve somehow).

Please ask me anything you want to know but, to address queries that I've had on another forum, just to let you know:
Character development for my stories always feels very organic and natural to me. I hope people won't think this is 'self-importance', but I've genuinely found that the characters are telling their own stories and I just happen to be the person scribing them down.

As such, there will be gaps in knowledge and details unexplained: the events only really reveal themselves to me as I go on, so even I don't know how each Chapter is going to go (or which ones will follow) until the history and personalities hit me.

Another reason for not "dotting-the-'i's'-and-crossing-the-'t's' " is that I think people have good imaginations (certainly better than mine) and also that people want to use their minds to fill-in-the-gaps where there are doubts. I don't like to proscribe facts or events and I also don't think readers particularly want to be spoon-fed with things like "this is the irrefutable truth of x and it will never change", as it then leaves no room for imgination. I also like a bit of mystery in my fiction. So, if you want to imagine that "x person is an [insert suggestion here]", then that's fine. If someone else has a different opinion, or you want to change your mind, then that's fine too.
I don't have all the answers, so it's a bit of a 'voyage of discovery' for me as well and I;m interested in people's theories.

Just to add that I'm not really so much into the "how the wierd stuff (technology, Tyranid space travel, etc) works" side of 40K. I really enjoy that there's so much in the setting that's not fully explained and where (for instance) you might have two devices which perform the same function but which work in different ways.
To take a Dark Eldar for-instance: Wyches' invulnerable saves are obviously due to their athleticism, but how might Ghostplate Armour provide an invulnerable save?: In some cases I imagine this might be some legendarily hard material or animal-skin which saves someone's life at the last second? Or perhaps it's a forcefield? Or maybe it's even like a kind of a 'dodge' save where a particularly athletic/acrobatic user can get out of harm's way by a hair's breadth? Or perhaps it's a personal teleportation device which moves the user by about a foot away? For me, any of these (and other) concepts could be true and may make an appearance.

Lastly, very few of these Chapters follow on from each other and -as such- they will not be in chronological order, although they have a common theme in that they revolve around an Archon called Viasperon and/or other people he knows. (I tend to use the terms "people" for most humanoids and "men"/"women" for males and females of those various races).
In keeping with the style -if you wish to do so- it's up to you to decide who is telling what.

Hope you enjoy, please let me know - AndyGorn.

=====
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Viasperon’s Story
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Although the memory was slightly painful to him, as he surveyed the environs of his palace, Archon Viasperon reflected that these luxuries had not always been his to command:
Not for him the vaulted ceilings and dark marbled throne that he now occupied (albeit perhaps tenuously due to the treacherous predilections of his race); nor the corridors of captive-dungeons that occupied some of his most prized creatures; neither still the numerous squads of the Poisoned Chalice Kabal which malice (and his own delicious planning) had dragged from nothing and forged into a new force in the halls of Commorragh.

No, his life had begun as the third son (and the seventh progeny) of a once-Noble House that was soon to be brought to its knees.
Unlike that of so many other races, familial rule was supposed to pass on not to the oldest, nor even to the strongest, but to the most murderous. If this had rung true for his own family –one of many vying for control of the House- Viasperon may have held the keys to becoming House ruler over all of them; yet it was not to be: his family’s fortunes had fallen very far out of favour and this had led to power-struggles between the siblings, some of which he had even engaged in himself (after all, there were certain standards to uphold...a perverse system of tradition -and perhaps even manners- to be adhered to).

Seeing endless conflict –although it had chafed against his bloodthirsty senses not to lose himself in the battles- Viasperon had tried to buy his way out of the melee, yet it had brought him nothing but a life in chains to the gladiatorial arenas; virtually a slave-existence inflicted upon him by those who sought to bring down his family even further.
As he reviewed those times -now so many, many decades hence- Viasperon bared his sharpened teeth in a self-satisfied smile…after all, this had been the exact position that he had wanted to be in all along:
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Overlooked as a powermonger in the shifting political nature of the Shadow-City, Viasperon had allowed others to take the spoils for themselves, watching the power-plays of the more vaunted…noticing the slightest nod of agreement or an individual smile of attention across a crowded room which could make their fortunes rise and fall like leaves in the shifting breeze of internal politics. It also left his name free to build slowly (and almost undetected) by only foraging here and there for meagre scraps of infamy and bloodletting upon the fringes of society’s notice.
The abuse and scorn he had been subjected to as one of ‘the weaker ones’ had often been all he could stand to bear…yet bear it he had, in favour of longer-term goals that had now come to fruition.
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Left alone in the morass of the internecine fighting, his name would have been forgotten as just one more casualty that no-one bothered to remember or record in history.
But taking a place in the arenas, and turning his back on the lifestyle that many would feel he should have had the courage to seize or die trying in the attempt, had allowed him a little more reputation. Despite the frequent derision and humiliation he received from onlookers and patrons, it had offered him a slight degree of succour that he had ignored the Dark Eldar system by choosing a lowly life fighting slaves instead of ruling and having games held in his honour. Like a half-drowned man clinging to a raft, it had sometimes been all he had to hang onto, but his death-grip on those thoughts had carried him through to the here-and-now.
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Last edited by andygorn; 04-03-11 at 12:54 PM.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-04-11, 01:51 AM
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Howdy bud!

First off, good introduction to your story. What I read, I liked. My only critiques would be punctuation, sentence structure and formatting. The formatting is probably the result of a copy and paste but it breaks up the flow of the story (leaving sentences hanging on their own while bringing up what looks like a new paragraph).

The punctuation and sentence structure seem a bit confusing at times. Example:

Although the memory was slightly painful to him, as he surveyed the environs of his palace, Archon Viasperon reflected that these luxuries had not always been his to command:
Not for him the vaulted ceilings and dark marbled throne that he now occupied (albeit perhaps tenuously due to the treacherous predilections of his race); nor the corridors of captive-dungeons that occupied some of his most prized creatures; neither still the numerous squads of the Poisoned Chalice Kabal which malice (and his own delicious planning) had dragged from nothing and forged into a new force in the halls of Commorragh.


You want the lines to have flow so the idea you're trying to get across is clear and easily readable/understood. Here I'd simply move the bits of the opening sentence around to look more like:

Although the memory was slightly painful to him, Archon Viasperon reflected that these luxuries had not always been his to command as he surveyed the environs of his palace. (period here instead of a colon) Not for him the vaulted ceilings and dark marbled throne that he now occupied (albeit perhaps tenuously due to the treacherous predilections of his race); nor the corridors of captive-dungeons that (were ) occupied (by) some of his most prized creatures; (here the additions clear up the sentence some) neither still the numerous squads of the Poisoned Chalice Kabal which malice (and his own delicious planning) had dragged from nothing and forged into a new force in the halls of Commorragh.

No, his life had begun as the third son (and the seventh progeny) of a once-Noble House that was soon to be brought to its knees.(removed the extra space here to bring it inline with the rest of the paragraph) Unlike that of so many other races, familial rule was supposed to pass on not to the oldest, nor even to the strongest, but to the most murderous. If this had rung true for his own family –one of many vying for control of the House- Viasperon may have held the keys to becoming House ruler over all of them; yet it was not to be. (period here in lieu of colon to break the sentence up a bit) His family’s fortunes had fallen very far out of favour, leading (changed it a bit to make it clearer) to power-struggles between the siblings; (semicolon instead of comma) some of which he had even engaged in himself (after all, there were certain standards to uphold...a perverse system of tradition -and perhaps even manners- to be adhered to).

+++

Here, breaking up the idea into two sentences would work better. I realize you've added a pause here in the form of "..." but over-all I think that it would be better suited as two.

As he reviewed those times -now so many, many decades hence- Viasperon bared his sharpened teeth in a self-satisfied smile…after all, this had been the exact position that he had wanted to be in all along:

Example: As he reviewed those times (now so many, many decades hence), Viasperon bared his sharpened teeth in a self-satisfied smile. After all, this had been the exact position that he had wanted to be in all along.

All in all, this is a good story. I honestly think it just needs the most basic of work to get it in line. You write well, you spell well and you weave a story with good flow. To me, these are very important aspects of any written work.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 04-04-11, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the advice & will try to take it onboard. I hope people are liking this. Apart from one other attempt, these Chapters are my first attempts at 40K fiction.
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