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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 03-13-11, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Default Settling the Score (HH - very short)

I was trying to write a short Horus Heresy piece to submit for this months HOES: 'Betrayal'. However, the story has fallen to shit. I don't think I can get the point across well in so few words. I will perhaps post more if any interest is shown, but I am no wordsmith! So without further ado here is the introduction.

The Beast

The reclusiam, aboard the newly named Fulgrim’s Hand, was shrouded in silence.

Lucius knelt in quiet meditation; his power sword rested at his side. His mind was swarmed with images of the perfect slice; the perfect stab; the perfect kill of a perfect opponent. He hungered for challenge.

He inhaled deeply and an aroma broke his thoughts. It was jasmine, or blood, or something from when he had been a mere man, or a million other contradicting scents.

Stood before him, clad in the resplendent purple armour of the third legion, was the Fulgrim-Thing.

Lucius opened his eyes, but kept them averted, afraid that the daemon would see into his soul, sense the distaste and punish him for it.

“My Lord?” he asked.

The daemon clasped has hand around Lucius’s chin and raised his bald self-mutilated head until eye contact was made. “You do not need to play this game”, it said gently. “We are proud of you.”

Lucius examined the daemon’s face. It was exquisite beauty; it was the face of his Primarch.

“How may I serve?” Lucius asked.

“The Warmaster rewards fealty and punishes defiance”, it said. “Captain Hun’kar of the World Eaters legion commands the Hruskan Raiders regiment. He has been instructed to quell the resistance on Pyrium III. You will join him”.

Lucius sneered.

“This work is beneath an astartes of the Emperors Children.”

“We will see”, it replied with a leer “We will see.”
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 03-19-11, 09:47 AM
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I like your language here, whether accidentally or not you've used a lot of very gilded terms and the like which fits in quite nicely with the Emperor's Children and Lucius in particular. Good imagery, good interaction between the characters. My only nitpick is that it's too short!

-Dirge

You'll forgive me, but you must be mistaken. I've met your makers, and they don't even know your name...

GIVING CHASE- ORDO HERETICUS FIC
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