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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 03-08-11, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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Default The Offer

Ok this very rough and I don't understand what compelled me to type this up but just take a gander tell me if it is at all intersting.

“Someone once told me what would I be willing to sacrifice for power. “ Semus thought as he looks down at the weapon in his hand. The gleaming power sword glowing with the eerie green as it always had. It was a fine blade crafted hundreds of years ago, though Semus has only wielded it for a few years now, taken from the fallen warrior that once held it he can’t even remember the name of the Imperial marine it had once belonged to.

Semus swung the weapon slicing through the a guardsman before he was able to fire his las- pistol. The sword cleaved through the man like a hot knife through butter slicing him in two. “ Worthless Imperial trash where is your Emperor now. “ he says as he laughs maniacally. He hears a noise to his left, so he turns to face what is coming to notice its just one of his brothers slicing through another guardsman with his chain blade. Semus stares for a minute just watching how the blade grinds through the man’s skull spitting fragments of brain and bone into the air. Semus then turns to continue his advance.

“How did you get here? Why are you here?” he starts to ponder as he runs towards his next victim. His brothers and he had been fighting for three days now, doing their best to get through the enemies defenses. As he advances he hears a soft odd voice in his head “ What is your ultimate goal for all this killing. What do you truly hope to accomplish here.” The voice distracts the evil astartes for a moment he stops his advance. This is the point when he realized all these odd thoughts he was thinking were not his own, but as if someone was trying to communicate with him. “ Do you really think that by conquering this planet that you will make anything different . Your warband and you have conquered world after world and what has it done for you.” This voice spoke louder continuing to distract him.
It distracted him enough that he didn’t even realize the guardsman in front of him ramming the bayonet of his las-gun into Semus’s chest. The blade didn’t even make it through, not even a scratch. Semus gutted the man with his blade relishing in the kill and enjoying how the blood flowed down the sword and onto his gauntlets. Just then he heard a loud high pitched squeal in his head. He couldn’t hear anything. It was so painful that the noise brought Semus to his knees. He drops his weapon, removes his helmet, and presses his hands to his ears as if it was going to block the noise out. He looks around and notices that he is the only one hearing the noise, all his brothers just continued to slaughter and killing their enemies. Then everything went black around him. Just as he slipped from conciseness he heard the voice again “ What are you willing to give for more power?”

He wakes, props himself onto his knees shaking his head. It was pounding as if he just got smashed in the face with a thunder hammer. His vision blurry he couldn’t see well not even a foot in front of his face. “Time to wake up Semus. “ The voice again only this time it doesn’t sound as if it was in his head but standing in front of him. His vision begins to return. He looks around! No longer is he on the battlefield he was on what seems only minutes ago, but is now standing in a dark gray desert. The sky black as a death shroud, no moon, no stars, just blackness. It was windy, he could see the gray grimy sand blowing by but couldn’t feel the wind. “Where am I” he whispers to himself confused. “ You are in the formless wastes” says the voice again but now it was behind him. Semus turns but there is no one there. “Damn it who are you and where are I demand you tell me.” He shouts now just getting irritated. “ Don’t you presume to demand from me. I can cut you down faster than any foe you have ever faced in your pathetic life.” Says the voice again. “Now turn around and you shall see.” Semus turns to look behind him and sees a frail looking human figure dressed in a dirty brown hooded robe. The figure pulls the hood down to reveal a face that had no eyes, not even a place for his eyes . His lips seemed to have been ripped from his face revealing small cone shaped sharpened teeth. The figure was holding a long staff with an eight bladed star on the head of it. His hands shriveled and wrinkly with sharp overgrown fingernails . “ Follow me . We have much to discuss” The figure says.

Semus and the figure tread through the gray desert. Semus looks around every few minutes. He sees nothing but desert as if there is nothing but emptiness. “Who are you and why am I here?” Semus asks. “ My name is not of any import Semus but what I am here to offer is” the figure says. “ Now as for what you are to call me. You may call me Vec, nothing more.” Semus just stares at the figure and then asks “ Well then Vec what are you here to offer me. I am beginning to grow tired of all this and would like to go back to the battle I was involved in before you decided to bring me here.” The figure aims his head in Semus’ direction. Where his eyes should have been now begin to split and open to reveal to small tooth filled jaws that begin to speak. “ I am here to make offer you more power than you have ever dreamed possible, But you have must give me something in return” Semus is now confused and curious. What was he offering? What is it he wants? What must I do? He wonders! “ So be it what is it you request from me? What power are you offering.” “ I am willing to give you power you have only dreamed of but you must abandon your brothers and dedicate yourself solely to the Great Changer of ways. “

Semus never actually believed in the ruinous powers he only became a traitor marine just to survive when his home was attacked by his warband and was offered a choice. A life service to the warband or an agonizing slow death as a slave. Naturally he chose what most would have. But since then he has proved himself quikly of the span of 100 years becoming a blood thirsty warrior that has aided in the deaths of many Imperial worlds. But he never gave praise to any of the four. So he wondered why would any of them would be offering anything to him.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-04-11, 02:17 AM
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Not a bad read bud. It is a bit rough but I like it. The only critique would be that I'd recommend you space your dialogue a bit so it stands out from the rest of the story. The POV/tense kinda throws me off a bit but still, good read! Will you be adding any more to it?

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"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-04-11, 07:21 PM Thread Starter
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im not sure yet im still kickin ideas around.

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-05-11, 05:12 PM
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Default I liked it

yes I liked the story. There is a lot of things you can do with it. What Chaos marine chapter is he with? Space your work into small paragraphs so they are easier to read. You go from present to past tences constantly and that is hard to fallow. Work on your punctuation and grammer. The story could be so rich that it sucks the reader in if those things were better applied. I look forward to reading more if you add to this. Take some time to read the story out loud and see if it flows well. If it does not flow well, than rewrite it until it does. keep writing and dont hurry through. Read Commissar Ploss's 'The Writers Circle' You will learn a lot there about the importance of grammer and editing and all that. Over all the story is an unfinished product that needs a lot of work, but has great potential.

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-05-11, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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thank you I will take much of this in consideration. Im still working it all out Im gonna try to put an outline together this weekend hopefully.

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