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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-08-11, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
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Default A Ghost War

Hey.... This is my first go at fantasy fiction so... well wish me luck

Warboss Wazag stepped down from the rock. Count Schmidt's head fell to the ground with a sickening thump. A bead of blood fell off the giant orcs axe. A goblin ran over to where he stood. "Master Wazag, the count is dead! The cowerdly man people are fleeing." Wazag grunted his approval. "There is just one issue master" squirmed the goblin, "The g-giant Dren has... has..." The giant orc looked down on the goblin, then up. Even for an orc it is hard to miss a dead giant. He thought (or as close as possible for an orc to do so) for a moment, then crushed the goblin under his giant metal boot.
The orc groaned. He slowly walked over to the body. What a waste. 10 Teef! 10! And the blasted thing isn't even strong enough to last one battle. He stepped over bodies, Empire and Greenskin alike. As he stepped over a particular body it stood up. This he concluded was an odd thing for a dead thing to do. He raised his axe to the dead man's throat and sliced it. The body clunked back to the ground. And then the rest rose...

T.B.C. tommorow....

Blood for the Blood God!

Skulls for the Skull Throne!

Milk for the Khorne Flakes!
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-19-11, 05:04 AM
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Not a bad start, and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

However, you need to try and vary up the sentence structure a bit. You use Subject-Verb-Object nearly the entire way through, which gets fairly repetitive. Also, try to throw in some fun descriptions in there, like how the axe dripped blood or what the bodies smelled like, etc. While there is certainly such a thing as over describing (and I'm often guilty of it), this opening leaves the senses a bit starved.

Heresy-Online's Expeditious Stories Challenge 13-06: "Serenity" has started, get your stories in by July 11th!

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3. Nothing Boc said should ever be taken seriously. Unless he's talking about being behind you. Then you run like fuck.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 02-19-11, 01:26 PM
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Default Interesting

I like it so far. I would like to see more. Boc is right about adding more fluff and description to your body of work. Remember, your story is a body in the creative prosses. First the cells, than the bones, then the organs, the skin and then the life.

The way you use your words will be life or death to the story and to the birth of its life force. Open up your creativity and get a collage thesaurus and dictionary and learn what words describe other words so you have a whole word arsenal to bring to the fore. You can get books like these at half-priced bookstores, goodwill stores or other discount/used stores for cheap. also when reading books, if there is a word you dont understand don't just gloss over it... take the time to look it up, write it down and memorize it. It will do wonders for your descriptive flow.

I can't wait for more, so bring it on. Adrian

A good reputation take a long time to build, but only a moment to destroy. Wow, that's deep! Check out the H.O.E.S. short story competition.
Other stories from Adrian.
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