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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-11-11, 02:12 AM Thread Starter
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Default Silently the Snow Fell

Silently the snow fell. Hundreds of men with lasguns raised cracked volley after volley into the enemies' ranks. The enemy came with bestial war cries with no concern for the dead under their feet. The enemy came firing wildly into the air with no concern for were their shoots go only caring about the sounds they made. Orders were bellowed to fall back to the second lines and the cracks of las fire kept coming.
Silently the snow fell. Orders shouted to fix bayonets and the air reverberated to the sound of chainswords, autocannons, and heavy bolters. The air filled with bestial laughter as the slaughter drew nearer, the sound of metal clanking filling the air. The sounds of the slaughter began to fill the air. Screams of men dying of wounds no one should feel, the howls of agony came when the same came from the enemy.
Silently the snow fell. Silently they came. With no warning they rose from the ground and began to cause more pain. The orders went out to engage this new foe and the sound of bolters, lasguns, and auto cannons once again filled the air. The beasts became confused but soon they engaged this new foe with the same eagerness they engaged the last.
Silently the snow fell. Soon silence was all that remained.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-11-11, 03:12 AM
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I believe that this is in the wrong topic-area-thingy. This would fit in more with fan-fiction

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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-11-11, 03:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jaggedjaw View Post
Silently the snow fell. Hundreds of men with lasguns raised cracked volley after volley into the enemies' ranks. The enemy came (charged, instead of came, you can't come with war cries)with bestial war cries (and) with no concern for the dead under their feet. The enemy (Already established the enemy is being discussed, you don't need to repeat it) came firing wildly into the air (shooting into the air?) with no concern for were their shoots (shots) go, only caring about the sounds they made. Orders were bellowed to fall back to the second lines and the cracks of las fire kept coming.
Silently the snow fell. Orders were shouted to fix bayonets and the air reverberated to the sound of chainswords, autocannons, and heavy bolters. The air filled with bestial laughter as the slaughter drew nearer, the sound of metal clanking filling the air (In the previous sentence, various things were filling the air as well, thats poor structuring). The sounds (more sounds?) of the slaughter (used that word a moment ago, find something else) began to fill the air. Screams of men dying of wounds no one should feel, the howls of agony came when the same came from the enemy (that doesn't make sense).
Silently the snow fell. Silently they came. (with all the noise you've just discussed this needs explained, I know what your saying, but you didn't introduce the idea) With no warning they rose from the ground and began to cause more pain. The orders went out to engage this new foe and the sound of bolters, lasguns, and auto cannons (I see what your doing, but again, your not linking this right, also these three workds are different from the three above, where you had, chainswords, Autocannons, Heavy Bolters) once again filled the air (this air is getting really full by now). The beasts (this isn't established in the text, which/who's beasts?) became confused, but soon they engaged this new foe with the same eagerness they engaged the last.
Silently the snow fell. Soon silence was all that remained.(After all the time you spend describing noise, you can't end like this, fall back on the silence of the snow, not the silence of the battle coming to a close.)
I don't really have a clue what you want us to do with this. Comment?

An introduction would be nice, such as "I'm posting this because ...", as well as maybe telling us what kind of responses you would like.

Anyway, the work itself has a good theme; the Chaos of Battle vs the Silence of the Falling Snow.

It's poorly executed for two reasons:

1. Gramatical Errors (which I've attempted to correct in green).

2. Structure / Layout.

Fix both of those and it could be a very nice poetic piece, but like I said, don't just post it, set it up a little. What inspired you? What is the purpose of writing this etc etc?

Overall, after having a longer look at this there are significant problems which hopefully some of my comments/criticisms will correct.

I'd give you:

5/10 for effort, as your only significant idea is the 'Silence of the Snow' vs the Chaos of Battle', which is then rushed and poorly executed.

3/10 for grammer and structure, as there is no introduction to this work and
the grammer is below average throughout.

Hope that helps.

Last edited by D-A-C; 01-11-11 at 03:40 AM.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 01-11-11, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Ok this was my first time trying to write something like this. Also I just kind of posted it spur of the moment. If you want I can repost it with corrections.
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