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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-08-10, 03:36 PM Thread Starter
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Default A not finished short story.

I have no name for it, didn't even think of one. The story itself is inspired by the works of H.P.Lovecraft and my useless imagination XD Anyway after you have finished reading it and laughing at the crappy quality I will gladly read any tips\feedback\remarks\insults\other things... I hope that you will not cry in sadness while you read it and that you will help me improve and you know... The rest of the things that I'm supposed to say

A Short Story


As much as I want, I won’t be able to describe the horror which I'm running from. I won’t be able to explain why I stand now on the brink of self annihilation, I hold this pistol, sweating, trembling in fear. The sound of clawing against the walls is driving me mad, it sends shivers down my spine, and it makes my heart pound faster in fear. My fingers are sweaty and I may squeeze the trigger by mistake. My will is broken and I fear every shadow, the things that I've done… The things that we've done are unforgivable and my punishment is severe. I can feel that the end is near; I know that it’s near. That thing, it waits for me, it knows that I'm here and it’s fanatically trying to claw its way in. I write this last words so you may know of my shame and my fear, I write this words to seek forgiveness as I know my death would be horrible if I won’t take my own life first. Some may find my story horrible and outrageous, others may find it intriguing and interesting but whatever you do... You must not follow in my footsteps; I won’t write here what I did find out as some things better stay unknown and forgotten for the sake of the sanity of the human race. Now heed my words and read my story, because we learn from our mistakes.


The year is 1919, a year passed since the god forsaken Great War, the most terrible war humanity has ever known. I served as a medic in Great Britain’s army for three years and I myself suffered the horrors and tragic of war. When the war ended I have had troubles finding a suitable job but after a long and thorough search I have managed to find work in a small hospital at a forgotten small town in England. I myself was born in London and traveled with my family through most of England watching the view and exploring various ruins of old which were still left standing. Still for some reason unknown I never heard of this small town. The name of the town was “Haven” and when I arrived at the town after two days of traveling it indeed seemed to be Haven. It had lush surroundings, green grass was growing everywhere, a forest grew nearby and wildlife was a plenty near the town. It really seemed to be Heaven… The townsfolk were warm and welcoming and they did not mind answering my seemingly endless stream of questions, they even helped me find a decent house in town and quickly I was making friends all over town. It was like I have finally started a new life after the terror that the Great War left on me.


After I have finally settled in the nice town I was prepared to start my job, and so I did. I worked at the hospital there but rarely did we get any serious matters to attend to. The job was dull and for someone who grew accustomed to the horrors and sights of a war it seemed boring and uninteresting. Still it was a paying job and I had a good time there. In Haven I even met a new friend, his name was William Terner. He was an archeologist and also a medic like me. I still can’t understand why an archeologist would be interested in living in such a small town. I met William in one of the rare cases that someone actually was injured and needed medical attention. It was during a rain storm and some man got struck by lightning while trying to get to home. Sadly when the man arrived we had no choice but to declare him dead as he probably died right when the lightning hit him. The body itself was not a nice sight to behold as he was charred beyond recognition and thus we quickly moved him to the morgue of the hospital. Since that day I used to meet with Mr.Terner more and we actually spent time together. We were both single and had no family or kids, my parents died when I was twenty and William’s died when he was just a kid but he did not talk much about them.


William was a tall and slender man, he was not muscular but he seemed to be well in shape. William wore glasses which increased the size of his small blue eyes; he had a rather pale skin and brown hair with a small moustache which he tended to with great care. He was a nice man, yet an aura of command resonated from him and his presence was nearly enthralling. After a time I realized that I can rarely say no to William’s requests. Even when we were out of work the man seemed to be always caught up with something and he had that busy and curious look on his face nearly always. It seemed that he is always considering something but he never shared anything with me.


++++++++++++++++++


It was during another stormy winter day when I finally managed to find out what was the thing that William was hiding from everyone. It was another one of the rare occasions which a person really was hurt. This time it was a woman and unlike the previous incident she was not hit by lightning but rather was shot by an unknown assailant. She was brought to the hospital in a near death condition. William and I quickly rushed her to one of the operating rooms. We successfully managed to extract the bullet which seemed to be a pistol bullet; I personally could never differentiate between types of bullets except from if they were fired by a rifle or a pistol. The bullet luckily missed all vital organs and also the heart which it was supposed to hit. For a moment I closed my eyes, turning my attention away from the patient, she was stable and the operation a success yet the most unusual thing happened, exactly when I closed my eyes I heard a rustle and then a rumble, I opened my eyes to find the woman coughing blood and shaking violently. “William! What is happening?!” I shouted at him worried and surprised. “I have no idea! She suddenly started to act this way!” He yelled back at me.


We lost her, now I know why but back then I did not have a clue for the reason of that. I never encountered such a reaction and never even imagined something like that was possible. Again as last time William and I led the corpse to the morgue. The room was cold as it should be and the woman was the only corpse there as we rarely had any injured people here and none has died from old age here recently. As we led her in my favorite pen fell on the floor of the morgue by mistake, it must have slipped from one of my robe’s pockets. “William, do you have any idea why did that happen?” I asked him, it was so weird and unexpected. “No, I really have no idea. Did you ever see anything like that?” He asked me back with his monotonic tone, he used this tone when he was thinking and I guessed that he was trying to find an explanation to this matter as so did I. “No, never heard of it, nor did I ever seen something like that…” I replied. A sigh escaped from my mouth, I was tired and I did not have a proper sleep last night as I was troubled by strange dreams for a while. “I see that you are tired, go get some rest. I will take care of the rest here.” I did not argue with him, I muttered a thank you and went to the stairs up from the morgue and back to the realm of the living.


I continued through the hallway towards the nearest exit, as I was halfway through the hall I suddenly remembered that I dropped my pen at the morgue. I did not want to waste the precious time that William granted me so I ran back towards the staircase down. That was when I heard a slam from below and the creaking of a door. This was rather quick; I never imagined that William will finish the task that quickly. I went down the stone stairs counting them as I was descending back to the realm of the dead, twice in the same day. It took me about five second and then I was down in the morgue again yet no trace of William could be seen. This was peculiar, I wondered where he was as there was only one exit through the morgue and it was through the stairs up. The body of the deceased also was not here. Maybe I missed William while I was counting the stairs and I was too preoccupied to notice him going up. I quickly took the stairs back up and looked around. No trace of William could be seen so I got back down to pick my pen. I looked for a moment around and then I noticed that pen. I kneeled on my right leg and picked it up but something caught my eye. Several drops of blood lay on the ground near one of the “closets” as we used to call them, which were where we put the dead in. I moved towards the blood and looked around; no other traces of blood could be seen so I approached a nearby desk and used some toilet paper from it to clean the blood. Still I was curious what did blood do on the floor there so I decided to look into the closet, I approached the closet with sure steps and quickly opened it.


++++++++++++++++++


Now, finish crying first of all XD Then feel free to give any feedback from crazy insults to small taps on the back Also be as raw as possible so I will understand how bad it is...

Cheers and have a good game (with hope that I did not waste your time).
Komanko.

(I'm so insecure about it...[But you probably noticed it already]))

I see in colors, can only smell in grey,
Blinded by light, I drown in dismay.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-08-10, 05:35 PM
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I actually didn't think it was bad, and it's always nice to see a story that isn't set in our plastic world. I'm hoping to see more along these lines from you, as you can write some great stories. +rep for imagination.


Story I'm Currently Writing:

The Diary of a Guardsman (Continuous Story)
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-09-10, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!
 
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Thank you very much for the positive feedback, I will try to write some more :D

I see in colors, can only smell in grey,
Blinded by light, I drown in dismay.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-19-10, 01:42 AM
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First off, fine story here bud! I enjoyed it immensely and I hope that more is to follow. I must agree with the Professor on this one that it is good to see some fiction outside the realm of Games Workshop. It's well-written and engaging. It also has a good flow to it.

Critique-wise, one thing I see is that you depend too much on commas LOL! I can relate as I have a tendency to do the same sometimes (and by sometimes, I mean often LOL). In lieu of said little crescent-shaped sentence breakers, I'd recommend you use periods and semi-colons (the occasional colon wouldn't hurt either ). Never be ashamed of periods! They are our friends! Also, I'd recommend that you break your dialogue from your paragraphs. This gives emphasis on what's being said between your characters. I'm not saying that every bit of dialogue has to be set out alone, by itself, but it makes the reading flow better. Keep up the good works bud!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-21-10, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn!
 
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Thanks for the advice and tips and I am glad that you enjoyed it. I will continue it hopefully but first I have to post in about 5 RPs in the roleplay section as I was not here for about a week and a half At least not very actively here.

I see in colors, can only smell in grey,
Blinded by light, I drown in dismay.
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