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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-06-10, 10:08 AM Thread Starter
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GK chicken scratch

The taste of blood and grit and the smell of iron and sulphur were the first senses,his rock heavy body winceing in pain.A confused conciousness from a red haze his eyelids struggled to cear his vision,so much of his own blood.Then a defining roar snapped His being into full awareness reaching half blindly for his weapon,Lucian realised how close he was to death.A Herald of the Blood God had severd his arm at the sholder and cracked his skull amongst other grievous injuries his ability to stand had been taken from him.Rolling over from stomach to back he sat upright and began to fire round after round,then silence except for the echoed ringing of falling brass through the cold mussolium.The chamber was large and poorly lit but in the dim he could make out the glint of brother Dominus' artificure armour or more likely his blood and intrails.It lay still with a massive axe imbedded on an angle from head to gutt.Serveying the room carefully Lucian could make out more bodies glistening with blood.Movement! another body slumped to the floor issuining steam,only steam fom his brothers broken bodies in the frigid tomb.With heavy breath and exaustion it didn't ocurr to Lucian that a large entity had just walked up behind him,it began to chuckle. "Brother Lucian,your alive!!?" Grand Master Xander stood over 10 foot tall in his ornate Artificure Terminator armour adorned with personal heraldry of over a thousand Victorious Actions,a demi god of steel,flesh and psykic might.Armed with the holy Psycannon and Nemesis force weapon,his being a massive blade as tall as him much akin to our heathen cousins on ferral worlds but larger and glowing with residual psykic energy that made the air smolder around its length like burning insence.With small flickers of lightning in his eyes and a scarred and somewhat surprised face Xander took a knee and smiled."It's OK we're done here for now" Lucian looked up in disbelief"what of the others"
Xander-"All to rest in the hallowed halls of Titan,Emporer be praised you fought well and they will be remembered,but we need to get going.You are the only one to survive of 19 brothers and we need an account of what happened,to loose so many brothers in one action considered low risk?Take solace Lucian you have done your duty,there is more to this then you may relise"

The ship groaned and shuddered under the unnatural forces called upon to make and sustain the gate.The techmarine followed all the instrumentation dilligently,sweet pouring from his brow.The jump through warpspace was never taken lightly and more of a ritualistic affair rather than a perfict science.If for a second the correct fluctuation of power or gravity containment fields were missmanaged catastrophic failure of the worm hole could happen resulting in death and massive damage to the ship.
The air in the teliport bay began to smell of ozone and suphur.Two figures stood in cerimonial artificure armour.Brother Captain Julius was a man you'd want at your side in the heart of the worst battle cool,hard and calculated but for his men on the ground a bad feeling had seeped into the back of his mind,ready to Greet his master with Vandel,an inapropriatly named Apothecary of high standing.A dozen medical servitors stood in tow silently still,awaiting command.Made ready to help carry the dead and wounded brothers bodies to aid aboard the 'Emporer's Crown' a well equiped vessel designed for mass telipotation and upmost transient speed considering its size,much bigger then its other cotemporarys,designed for global warfare and a extreamly unique relick amongst the Grey Knights arsenal.Cold fog began to creep across the floor as the teliport bays lit up Vandel managed an optimistic smile which soon turned to a look of grief as one by one his dead brothers slumped to the floor in bloodied piles of gore,-gusts of cold putrid air and mist issuing forth with every arrival-"A grim site indeed Brothers"-Xander bellowed with thunder and anger in his voice that turned to an understanding and pragmatic tone as he adressed the pair."That we have been lucky enough to be blessed with the survival of but one of our brothers in this massicar may be fortune enough."Vandel signaled the servitors to gather the dead for salvage and purification then moved to aid Lucian and began to speak in a quiet apprasing voice"By the emperors hand how are you still alive Lucian"Lucians' skull was clearly caved in on one side,breathing heavy with the gurgle of blood in his lungs.Lucian winced with a gurgleing strained laugh,his one funtional limb managed to raise and thump his chest twice then spitting blood another gurgled laugh.

Brother Captain Julius made no sign of emotion and waited for his masters tactical apprasil although he new full well by now that the intellegence 19 Grey Knights had given there lives for was grosely incorrect,8 bodies had been recoverd due to Xander him-self there was still 11 to recover and hopefully befor the geene seed had perrished or become corrupt and layed to waste.Xander sighed and turned to look at the mess the survitors had managed to make dragging the corpses aboard the automated antigrav mortuary tables."Make ready the brothers of your choice the armoury is at your disposal.We will recover the honoured fallen and extract imediately after all have been accounted for"
"I will lead them myself lord"Julius turned and strode quickly away his face taught and lips persed with a look of determination and anger.How could their intelligence be so wrong on an imperial world.Turning to his wrist mounted comms to issue the order to his brothers"Palidins Ruso,Dargan,Wendle" he snapped "I will lead Octavious, make ready your squads"-"Terminator armour has been authorised the armory is open and we have dead to recover"
Three voices came back imediately in order,in practiced understated ignolagement-"For the fallen"-"For or brothers"-"For the Emperor"

"Ahh your back with us" Vandels' smirk betrayed a streak of pride,chuffed at his abiliy to repair the flesh of such a badly damaged brother."And sadly your still with us"Lucian smirked back."Your lucky Lucian you've been given alot of augmetics im not usually allowed to use,bionics reserved for only the Highest ranking members amoung us" Lucian flexed his new right arm to check its reflexes with not a hint of detriment to its funtion"not bad" his smirk turned into a big cheesy grinn as he noticed he had retained his legs.His back had been broken but not his bodys' ability to heal all that was needed was a few replacement organs witch were readily available thanks to his recently departed bretheren.
The extensive head trauma on the other hand had taken exceptional skill to heal and repair and for that he was greatful although still not 100%.It was getting there.It is known that a Grey Knight can function useing only one half of the cortex at a time to stay awake for days even weeks if need be.His modified astartes body just hung in where a normal man would have died several times over from the trauma he'd sustained.
"How long have I been out" Vandel smiled again- "only two weeks"-"you must Know something fairly important Master Xander wishes to speak to you as soon as you are able to"

To be continued?
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-08-10, 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Lucian Kain View Post

To be continued?
[Wall of text crits you for 300000]

Microsoft Word and paragraphs are your friends.

And whats with the title?
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-09-10, 11:19 AM
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Story itself isn`t bad, needs some punctuation and structure work though. Character speech looks better if you start a new paragraph for each new character speaking. Noticed a few minor spelling mistakes but nothing majorly disastrous to the reading experience.

I think you`ve done a decent job here, keep trying and you`ll only improve.

Also, I think this belongs in Original Works, not 40k Fluff.

Nonsense is our Salvation

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