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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-24-10, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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Default Heresy- a short warhammer 40k story

Heresy
This is a tale of heresy of the greatest kind, a tale of Ultramarine bloodshed and skulls for the skull throne.

A taskforce of fourth company Ultramarines were trekking among the many thousands, even hundred thousands, of orks. Massive to those compared to the dead of the Ultramarines, whose prowess in battle was unmatched by any save the heretics.

Theirs was a simple mission - recover the gene seed of their fallen brethren and crush anything that may threaten their mission. Their only immediate threat was if a company of those blasted green skins ambushed them though they were told that the green skin threat was under control and not much threat; they’d already encountered a suicide raid consisting of fifteen stormboyz and a massive company of twenty nobz. They began thirty strong but were down to five men, all terminators, the only terminators, most had been killed in the surprise suicide raid as they had been outflanked and then the nobz were just overkill with their cruel, barbaric axe weapons.

A-pod, the sergeants’ assistant was beginning to doubt the sergeants’ saneness as he was beginning to make rash cruel decisions for pleasure and A-pod remembered as every Ultramarine, did that selfishness was the first sign of heresy, it was every Ultramarines law, according to the priests of Adaptus Astartes, that selflessness was the quickest way to ascend to a better fighter.

He heard the shot of a storm bolter as sergeant Khayne shot down six ork boys off in the distance, A-pod killed two more as they drew closer and crushed the life of another with his power fist. As the terminators behind him drew their power swords, the sergeant, even though he had lightning claws, put his storm bolter away and drew his combat knife, he chopped the orks limbs off one by one and then cut the tongue off and left him to die cackling as the blood flowed through his fingers, he licked them, his fangs showing, looking more crazed than ever.

As he licked the last of his blood off his fingers and turned with a glint of something that struck unknown fear in any mortal thing. A strange red light seemed to emanate from him as he rose to the air, his terminator armor cracked and expanded; it glistened to a blood red color that was unmistakable to any imperial force. Horns sprouted from his head, curling backwards, and one from his shoulder, in the rough shape of a skull, thinning to a sharp point. His combat sword transmuted into a giant thunder hammer, his storm bolter now a massive plasma cannon.
A blast of life draining energy burst out of him killing the puny terminators that were proud to serve the false emperor who was barely alive, just a legacy to influence people with, but he was no longer part of their gullible chapter, he was an almighty daemon prince of Khorne who had massive armies at his command. His former ‘brothers’ would now be sentenced to a thousand years of fighting daemons in the warp, he might be merciful, if they begged and pleaded him to let them become an almighty server of chaos. Those that were stubborn he would hunt down and crush himself, with his own bear hands he would rip their skulls from their bodies, suck all the good flesh off, and add the skulls to the skull throne of his almighty leader Khorne.

By Ryan Esplin A 12yr old at KPS
Only games Workshop may publish any of this material and only with MY PERMISSION
Rock on Chaos, may you take many skulls for the skull throne!

Last edited by Commissar Ploss; 11-24-10 at 10:19 PM.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-24-10, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Back... ...In white!
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-24-10, 09:09 PM Thread Starter
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plz rate, do keep in mind im only 12
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-24-10, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nueron-nasher View Post
By Ryan Esplin A 12yr old at KPS
Only games Workshop may publish any of this material and only with MY PERMISSION
Rock on Chaos, may you take many skulls for the skull throne!
you do realize that you've "published" it here right? Games Workshop doesn't publish fan-fiction material. and not by 12 year olds. I'm not trying to be mean, i'm just telling you the truth. Just don't get your panties in a bunch, especially since people are going to tear you a new one with that last statement.

btw, i edited your post (and moved it to the correct section) so that it doesn't look so crappy. It's all standard now. you're welcome.

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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-24-10, 10:38 PM
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Dear God...

I would recommend, amongst the utterly gargantuan amount of errors, to check your grammar. To nail my point home - ''A-pod killed two more...'', I presume ''A Drop-Pod?'', as I doubt Astartes have acess to Atomic Pods >.>

Plus, I am sure Jervis Johnson, Dan Abnett and Aaron Dembski-Bowden would more likely appear in some grotesque porno, featuring quotes and naked re-enactions of Loken's fall, the tragedy of Horus and Eidolon being a pompous ass, than Games Workshop would wish to publish such material, my dear boy.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-25-10, 11:27 AM
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Hey there.
All i'm seeing is a huge amount of negativity from these people. That is not what this forum is about.
The story itself is short, very short and to be truthful it has very little in terms of narrative. But it does have potential. You obviously have some idea of how to write, you just need to pad it out, and give it some character.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-25-10, 08:11 PM
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I have to say that, for a twelve year old, the actual story is quite good. All I fear, is that you should start to check your grammar, spelling, and other things, such as the Ultramarines 4th company rebelling? It's a big no-no really, as the Ultramarines are the most stoutest of all marines, so them rebelling is like the Emperor blowing up Terra.


Story I'm Currently Writing:

The Diary of a Guardsman (Continuous Story)
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-26-10, 05:45 AM
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Hey there.
All i'm seeing is a huge amount of negativity from these people. That is not what this forum is about.
you are quite right. I humbly retract my prior negative comments. my apologies.

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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-26-10, 06:57 AM
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Enthusiasm: A

Lore Accuracy: C- UM are unlikely to rebel, particularly not in these circumstances. Have you read Graham McNeill`s UM series? The Fourth Company feature in that. Most of it anyways.

Grammar: C+ Not bad, I`ve seen much worse, but you can still improve.



I think your biggest issue is the pace. Heresy like this takes years, but you`ve gone from Loyal to Heretic in the space of a single battle, and you`ve conveyed it in only a few paragraphs worth of text.

If you`re serious about this it would pay to give it much more effort. Dedicate some time to fleshing out the finer points of the plot. Don`t rush into anything, don`t feel the need to explain everything straight away, work towards it little by little and it will make the story that much more rewarding.

Have a read of some of the other fics. They are longer than this, they establish characters, and they spend time developing more intricate storylines, making the characters and scenarios more believable.


And again on accuracy, I don`t think you`ll find the UM 4th going rogue to be a good start. It just doesn`t tie in with BL established lore. You can only do so much with the UM, my suggestion would be to use a chapter of your own devising.


I mean, I put forth the tale of the Fifth Star God, but did it in such a way as to not impede on the commonly held belief that there are only four.

I hope this has helped.




@bobss: I hope you never make it into a career as a critic, for shit`s sake there are more tactful ways to say "You need Improvement."


Nonsense is our Salvation


Last edited by Serpion5; 11-26-10 at 07:00 AM.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-26-10, 12:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serpion5 View Post
@bobss: I hope you never make it into a career as a critic, for shit`s sake there are more tactful ways to say "You need Improvement."
When I was thirteen and I wrote fiction, I was bitch-slapped down by many people within the harsh climate of real life and the, well, equally troll-infested miasma of the internet. That, alongside reading more deeply into Codicies, sourcebooks and Black Library publications, alongside help from various members on this site, I was able to progress. Admittedly, my own fiction is but an orgy of words, little characterisation and as many Titans as I can feasibly pack-in, but I got there through criticism.

The same applies to Project Logs. It makes me sick when a clearly new player, with his collection of dire Black Templars makes a hash of those gorgeous plastics and he is rewarded with compliments. I admire, greatly, those people with the whit to say, ''They cover the basic requirements, but how about X, maybe Y to reach Z?''

But, okay, point taken. I am a genuine Grammar Nazi in real life, as... well, studying archaic and modern English does that to you.

So, Neuron Nasher:

- Before tackling something as hefty as the Ultramarines 4th Company, perhaps write about something more humane and easy to depict - say Guardsmen? Or maybe your own Chapter of Astartes? If not, then read heavily into your chosen Chapter/Legion/Race/Regiment. It is even clear which Black Library authors do and don't do this, Mr Swallow?

- Short-story, well... nearly everything on Heresy Online will be a short-story, except one of those, rare and monstrous pieces by the ''Better writers'' So perhaps aim for something akin to five-thousand words.

- Grammar, whether it is merely plugging your text into Microsoft Word, or adhere strictly to the Codex Dictionarius, better usage of grammar leaves a more proffessional finish and invites more, and more positive criticism.
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