Alone in the Dark- Short Story - Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums
Original Works All user written fiction from any Games Workshop setting should be posted here. Please use the drop-downs to denote which setting your story belongs.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-20-10, 02:28 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Professor Pumpkin's Avatar
Professor Pumpkin's Flag is: England
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
Posts: 257
Reputation: 1
Default Alone in the Dark- Short Story

Private James Howie awoke with a fright. He felt the cold of the water as it splashed around the cave, and the darkness pierce his skull. Where am I? Why am I in a cave? Howie asked himself as he rose to his feet. Underestimating the size of the cave, he banged his head on the rocks above. James rubbed his head for a few seconds, then crouched down so he could move around freely. "Hello? Sergeant Havers? Are you in here?" he called into the darkness. No reply found him, and James began to grow scared. I'm alone. He thought. All alone in a cave on some planet! Suddenly, James heard a noise somewhere to his right, and instinctively grabbed for his las-pistol. Howie grabbed thin air, and cursed under his breath. Alone in a cave, with no pistol or helmet, James felt fear fill his body. Then it hit him. James was wearing no carapace armour, just a soggy shirt and a pair of ragged trousers to accompany his boots.

A few minutes passed, and James eventually decided to try and find away out of the cave. He felt along the rocky walls, and found nothing but a few crevices that he couldn't fit inside of. He felt around for a little while longer, until he found a space just big enough for him to fit in. James struggled into the small space, and kept walking along the incredibly tight path. "Oi, you boyz 'ad betta get out of me cave!" roared a gruff voice from ahead of James. He had been walking for a few minutes now, and knew that going back would be useless, after all, this was the only escape route. The footsteps of the beast that had called out earlier were getting louder and louder, and James had broke out into a sort of run. The voice called out again, "Oi, who left a boot in 'ere?" and James suddenly felt the cold of the water on his left foot. The steps stopped, and so did James. The beast screamed out "Oi, there yer are yer gretchin!", and a small voice replied "No! I gotz caught!"

James was still recovering from the events of the past hour, although he wasn't sure how much time had passed. The cave had since gotten larger, and now James could stand straight up without crouching. His legs were aching, and all he wanted to do was rest, but his mind forced him to continue. Hours passed, and still no sign of anything, up until now. A small light could be seen ahead, and James was at a run towards it, his mind racing with thoughts of his comrades at the end, ready to save him. James was partly right, his comrades were there, but in some sort of ceremony. They were tied down with ropes, on a stone table with all sorts of pictures carved into them. Feral Orks were chanting around them, almost in a song style of voice. A few spears and such were lying around the ritualistic camp, but even with the crazy ceremony goers, there were still guards patrolling around the perimeters of the camp. Most of the Orks had bones through their noses, or other such strange items on their body. The ceremony had changed now, and two cages were being wheeled towards the great fire in the middle of the camp. One of them contained a woman, who looked to be in her mid thirties, and the other contained a young man, perhaps to be in his twenties or late teens. The cages were opened by huge Orks, with massive muscles. The two humans were both grabbed, and the one holding the man moved him towards the fire in the centre. The young man screamed, so loudly James nearly fell from his hiding spot, and was then thrown onto the fire. The ear piercing screams of agony filled the surrounding area as the man disintegrated into a pile of ash. The woman was next, but she oddly enough did not scream as she was taken towards the fire. Her face seemed almost completely void of all emotion, and James was taken back by the bravery of the woman. She too was thrown on the fire, and the screams she emitted were nowhere near the sound level of those of the man's before her. When she too had become merely ash, a strange looking Ork approached the stone tables. He was quite tall, nowhere near as strong as his counterparts, and yet he still commanded a high level of fear. From his animal fur belt he grabbed a small knife, and as he did this his entourage signalled for the watchers of the ceremony to back off, and now James was almost in the crowd. The large Ork, who seemed to be some sort of witch-doctor, stuck the knife into Sergeant John Havers, and James almost fell back as the blood-curdling scream entered his ears. Howie knew he had to act, and with one swift move, he grabbed a spear from one of the nearby Orks. Many turned to see James thrust the spear through the Orks that were close to him, and a large majority of the crowd began to flee. The witch doctor turned to James, and laughed at him, mocking James' strength. James' body filled with rage, and he charged towards the entourage around the witch doctor, impaling the first in a splatter of guts and gore. The other two converged on James, and swung at him. James got lucky, and dodged both of the attacks, before bringing the spear into the head of the second Ork, and kicking the third Ork to the ground, before splattering his brains onto the grass beneath. The witch doctor turned towards James, and grabbed a ferocious looking cleaver from his belt. In one fast move, the witch doctor swung his cleaver, and made a deep cut into James' leg. The adrenalin blocked out most of the pain, and Howie countered the witch doctor with a kick to the stomach, knocking the cleaver out of his hands, and into the leg of Private Steven Asker, who let out a horrible scream of pain. James grabbed the cleaver from Steven's leg, causing another scream, and launched it towards the stumbling witch doctor. He watched as the cleaver passed through the witch doctor's chest, straight through his heart, and into the totem pole behind. The Ork fell to the ground, and James felt a surge of honour fill inside him. He began to untie his comrades.

A while later, all of the Guardsmen were untied, their weapons and armour found, Steven Asker received a bandage on his cut. They all payed their respects to the fallen Sergeant Havers, and began the long walk to freedom...



(I hope you enjoyed the story, feel free to leave comments!)


Story I'm Currently Writing:

The Diary of a Guardsman (Continuous Story)
Professor Pumpkin is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-04-10, 05:19 AM
Boondock Shogun
 
Shogun_Nate's Avatar
Shogun_Nate's Flag is: USA
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tigertown, Texas
Posts: 2,023
Reputation: 1
Default

Good short story bud! From reading it, I would say that it needs fleshed out more. Go deeper into your descriptions of the fighting and the surroundings. You want to give the reader and idea what he/she is reading so they can picture it in their mind. Also, remember not to fall to 'hero' syndrome. That's where the main character seems to triumph against great odds without really doing much. Orks are a brutal race given to wanton slaughter/butchery/mass destruction. They are also very strong, pig-headedly stubborn, and when faced with a fight, generally will only flee once their numbers have been sufficiently culled. 'Hero' syndrome destroys the story as there's no gravity to the situation. If he's going to slaughter his foe willy-nilly then it defeats the overall story. Stories should be about difficult odds, where the hero is tossed into the thick of things. More along the lines of out of the frying pan and into the fire, if you get my drift.

Oh...and don't be ashamed to use 'he' more often ! While using names lets the reader know who's doing what, when your protagonist is the only one there, you don't have to keep using their name over and over. He/she/it are perfectly allowable in a story!

As a final comment, the last paragraph could use some breaking up. You want to keep it easy on the eyes. More paragraphs make it easier to read without worrying about losing one's place, etc.!

Still, a fine short story! Keep it up and make sure you post more!

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
Shogun_Nate is offline  
post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-04-10, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Professor Pumpkin's Avatar
Professor Pumpkin's Flag is: England
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Newcastle-Upon-Tyne
Posts: 257
Reputation: 1
Default

Thanks for the advice and the rep mate, I'll be sure to take the advice on board when I continue writing. I couldn't really think of a good place to break the last paragraph up, so I just had to keep it like that


Story I'm Currently Writing:

The Diary of a Guardsman (Continuous Story)
Professor Pumpkin is offline  
 
post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-04-10, 03:45 PM
Boondock Shogun
 
Shogun_Nate's Avatar
Shogun_Nate's Flag is: USA
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tigertown, Texas
Posts: 2,023
Reputation: 1
Default

Eh, it happens bud. But, as you practice your writing more you'll find ways to make breaks in the paragraphs, either with new bits of action or with dialogue. Dialogue is always a good way to break up paragraphs (as long as it's pertinent mind LOL) because it can be inserted and the following paragraph can take up the flow around it.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
Shogun_Nate is offline  
Reply

  Lower Navigation
Go Back   Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums > Fiction, Art and Roleplay Game Discussion > Original Works

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome