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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 11-15-10, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
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Icon Desola Memoria

Haven't written anything in a little while, so I'll upload this one in small parts so issues can be picked out easily. Any suggestions will be VERY welcome.

Desola Memoria

Light suddenly flared in the sky, a red streak across a dark starry night. Another. A rapid volley of harsh cracks and beams of red, a rapid sporadic bang cutting through the night air. A scream, a grunt and a laugh. The sky was clear of clouds, allowing sight of a large harshly shaped object high up by the stars. A gust of wind as something flew over head, shaking what was left of glass windows. A neon glow reflected off a small puddle of water in which his hand rested. He looked down and saw the water was tainted with blood. His or someone else’s her didn't know. He slowly turned his hand, a flash of pain arching down his back. The thump of a body as someone dropped to the floor beside him. The ringing in his ear stopped.
“Space Marine, on your feet!” Yelled the Imperial trooper crouched nearby. “We could do with the support!”
With a strength fuelled purely by determination he pushed himself off the ground. As he looked around him he saw an Imperial blockade with a few guardsmen rallied behind it, firing lasguns with a ferocity born from desperation. The sergeant shouted at him again, something he didn't hear nor understand. On the other side of the street positioned by a typical bar from a typical hive city was a group of men, albeit knife and pistol wielding men. As they saw him stand they screamed and sprinted forth. Combat drills kicking in he counted his foes. Twelve men, he glanced at the floor and scooped up a nearby knife. Which he promptly threw into their mist, “one” he silently counted. He grabbed the energy sword offered by the sergeant, held it above his head and shouted.
“His will shall be done!” The words echoed throughout the streets, causing a moments hesitation upon his foes faces.
That was all the time that was needed, before they realised what had happened he was amongst them. A broad sweep beheaded two of his foes, “three” he whispered to himself. It was mere seconds and a few swings later that his enemies lay upon the floor dead. Their blood staining his perfect armour, black with gold lining. He stood proud and firm as the guardsman walked from their makeshift shelter. His shoulder glistening in the wet, lit by a strobe effect from the neon lights of the Hive city. The sword and laurel engraved in it shone with a glorious effect. The golden writing etched into his power sword depicting the Chapter name; His Will.
“Thanks sir, they had us pinned.” A very battered and tired guardsman said.
“Thanks for the assist” Saluted another.
“Enough, Space marine. We need to get back to the governor’s palace. His protection is vital.” The sergeant boldly stated.
“I must deliver something, a message, to my chapter. The governor is of no importance to me. He can be replaced, my task cannot.”
He looked down upon the sergeant sternly, through his battered and dented helmet one eye could be seen. It was bloodshot and tired, yet it burned with a determined fury. The sergeant looked to his troops who promptly shrugged, they were certainly no fan of the governor anyway. If this plan meant survival then their decision would be unanimous.
“We're right behind you.” One trooper proudly stated.
“Whether you are or not, it matters little to me.” The space marine looked over the seven marines before him. Secretly he was relieved to have some kind of backup. Chaos was not your average foe.

"To the darkness I bring fire, to the ignorant I bring faith. Those who welcome these gifts may live, but I shall vist naught but death and eternal damnation on those who refuse them"
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 12-04-10, 05:58 AM
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Howdy bud!

Looking at this small snipet, my first recommendation would be the basics: spelling/grammar/sentence structure. These are the holy trinity of writing. Before you post, read over your work a few times and run it through a grammar/spell check. Reading over it is as important as spell check so you make sure you've got it down pat. Things like homophones can be missed sometimes by spellcheck as they're spelled correctly but aren't the right word for the situation. Take your time with this. After you've read over it a couple of times, step back and go do something else. Watch some tv, read a book, etc. Come back to the story and reread it with a fresh set of eyes and mind.

Also, spacing your paragraphs and your dialogue is important. Breaking up your work makes it easier to read. Without it, the story runs together and becomes one big mess of words the reader has to sort through.

Example: He slowly turned his hand, a flash of pain arching down his back. The thump of a body as someone dropped to the floor beside him. The ringing in his ear stopped.

“Space Marine, on your feet!” Yelled the Imperial trooper crouched nearby. “We could do with the support!”

With a strength fuelled purely by determination he pushed himself off the ground. As he looked around him he saw an Imperial blockade with a few guardsmen rallied behind it, firing lasguns with a ferocity born from desperation.


You have the beginnings of a good story here bud. With a little work on the basics, it would be a great one. Like all things, it comes easier with practice. Keep at it but make sure you keep the basics in mind when you do.

Good luck and good gaming,

Nate

"If you can't stun them with your tactical brilliance, baffle them with your superior grasp of BS."

"I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man."

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAllFather View Post
Well, seeing as how you capitalize your characters, use proper grammar and punctuation, I'd say you qualify.
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