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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-03-10, 05:07 PM Thread Starter
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Default For the Emperor [short]

“For the Emperor, and for Guilliman!”

“Wait, wait, stop.”

“What for?”

“Do we always have to go around saying ‘for the Emperor and for Guilliman’?”

“Well… why not? We’re Ultramarines.”

“I don’t know. Guilliman just sounds so… effeminate? Ruboutte Guilliman. Rowboat Sillyman, if you ask me. It sounds French.”

“Well, who asked you? He’s your Primarch, for Pete’s sake.”

“Well, what if I don’t want some silly Frog to be my Primarch? Why don’t we switch to ‘For the Emperor, and for Russ!’?”

“Russ?! ‘E’s full of fleas. You can’t just go around changing Primarchs. It’s literally in your genes. Besides, I could never take myself seriously running around and howling like a loon all the time.”

“Alright, fine, no Russ. But we wouldn’t have to change teams, just call out some other Primarch’s name when we charge into battle. It’ll confuse the enemy too. What about Sanguinius?”

“Confuse the enemy? How in the world would it do that?”

“Well, wouldn’t you be confused to see a bunch of World Eaters charging at you and screaming ‘Waaaaagh’?”

“That’s completely different. And Sanguinius? That feather brained pretty boy? You think Guilliman is effeminate, and you want to go cheer for him? Thangwinius! Fwee cheahs fow Thangwinius! Come off it. He’s got more hair than a yeti.”

“Well, you don’t have to get mean about it. What’s your deal with Sanguinius anyhow?”

“I never could get used to the sight of blood.”

“Wha- You’re a Space Marine, how can you not be used to the sight of blood?”


“Oh the odd splatter now and again isn’t too bad, but drinking it? Having it run all down your chin and getting in your armor? I shudder to think of it. Not to mention the looks at the Laundromat.”

“I guess. We could always pick Vulkan.”

“What if he’s still about? Wouldn’t you be pretty peeved to find out your nephews were mucking about and calling you Da?”

“True. He could be a mite testy after all these years. Ooh, I know. How about we shout ‘Khaaaaan!’ real loud like?”

“Oh come on. That’s been taken. I think it’s still got a copyright on it.”

“From who?”

“Some guy named Bill. I think he’s still doing commercials.”

“Well, that’s that then. I never did like the sound of Corvax. “

“No, too much of a mouthful, that.”

“Well, there’s always the Lion. ‘S a big, strong creature. Looks imposing.”

“Allergic to cats. I couldn’t bring myself to.”

“Aller-… What the deuce? You’re a genetically engineered super-human fighting machine and you’re allergic to cats?!”

“It never came up on the entrance exam. It’s not like they fix that kind of thing, anyway, just give you resistance to poisons and all. You’d think they’d add in a histamine blocker in all of those chemicals they pump you full of in training.”

“Quite. Ferrus Manus, perhaps? He had a strong grip on reality.”

“He lost his head in the end, though, and I’m not too keen on getting implants. Have you seen the contraptions his boys attach to themselves?”

“Well then, what about Dorn?”

“You mean Michael?”

“No, not Michael, you twit. Rogal. Big man, stands about so high. He ran around wearing yellow.”

“Yellow?”

“Just give it a try.”

“What, now?”

“Yes. We’re not doing much of anything else.”

“We’re about to charge into battle.”

“Which is why this is the best time to give it a go.”

“Alright, but just this once. For the Emperor, and for Dorn!”

“See, that sounds so much better.”

“Well, it’s not terrible.”

“A damn sight better than Guilliman.”

“What do you think the Chaplain will say?”

“He might applaud our initiative, coming up with a new cheer for the Company.”

“You’re daft. He’ll have our faces for breakfast.”

“There you go talking about blood again. Makes me squeamish.”

“Makes you… Oh, fine. Let’s just charge, then.”

“Charge what?”

“The enemy!”


“But… they’re gone.”

“Oh bugger. Now we’ve missed our chance for glory.”


“Oh well. I’m off. I suddenly have the urge to go build a small fort in that sandbox.”

“You know, I do too. I get to make the drawbridge.”

-I-


Last edited by Ignatius Hadrian; 11-15-10 at 04:56 PM. Reason: Edited to include all of the loyal Primarchs.
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-03-10, 09:09 PM
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Funny, really funny!

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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-03-10, 11:33 PM
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Made me chuckle at several points, nice work.
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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-04-10, 12:49 AM
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You picked the right replacement Primarch, good job.


"Consequence of Mercy" - Written for KingOfCheese
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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-04-10, 11:50 AM
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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-11-10, 12:49 AM
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Default funny.

thats so freeking funny. I almost choaked on my pot pie while reading. thanks for the laughs Adrian.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignatius Hadrian View Post
“For the Emperor, and for Guilliman!”

“Wait, wait, stop.”

“What for?”

“Do we always have to go around saying ‘for the Emperor and for Guilliman’?”

“Well… why not? We’re Ultramarines.”

“I don’t know. Guilliman just sounds so… effeminate? Ruboutte Guilliman. Rowboat Sillyman, if you ask me. It sounds French.”

“Well, who asked you? He’s your Primarch, for Pete’s sake.”

“Well, what if I don’t want some silly Frog to be my Primarch? Why don’t we switch to ‘For the Emperor, and for Russ!’?”

“Russ?! ‘E’s full of fleas. You can’t just go around changing Primarchs. It’s literally in your genes. Besides, I could never take myself seriously running around and howling like a loon all the time.”

“Alright, fine, no Russ. But we wouldn’t have to change teams, just call out some other Primarch’s name when we charge into battle. It’ll confuse the enemy too. What about Sanguinius?”

“Confuse the enemy? How in the world would it do that?”

“Well, wouldn’t you be confused to see a bunch of World Eaters charging at you and screaming ‘Waaaaagh’?”

“That’s completely different. And Sanguinius? That feather brained pretty boy? You think Guilliman is effeminate, and you want to go cheer for him? Thangwinius! Fwee cheahs fow Thangwinius! Come off it. He’s got more hair than a yeti.”

“Well, you don’t have to get mean about it. What’s your deal with Sanguinius anyhow?”

“I never could get used to the sight of blood.”

“Wha- You’re a Space Marine, how can you not be used to the sight of blood?”

“Oh the odd splatter now and again isn’t too bad, but drinking it? Having it run all down your chin and getting in your armor? I shudder to think of it. Not to mention the looks at the Laundromat.”

“I guess. We could always pick Vulkan.”

“What if he’s still about? Wouldn’t you be pretty peeved to find out your nephews were mucking about and calling you Da?”

“True. He could be a mite testy after all these years. Ooh, I know. How about we shout ‘Khaaaaan!’ real loud like?”

“Oh come on. That’s been taken. I think it’s still got a copyright on it.”

“From who?”

“Some guy named Bill. I think he’s still doing commercials.”

“Well, that’s that then. I never did like the sound of Corvax. “

“No, too much of a mouthful, that.”

“What about Dorn?”

“You mean Michael?”

“No, not Michael, you twit. Rogal. Big man, stands about so high. He ran around wearing yellow.”

“Yellow?”

“Just give it a try.”

“What, now?”

“Yes. We’re not doing much of anything else.”

“We’re about to charge into battle.”

“Which is why this is the best time to give it a go.”

“Alright, but just this once. For the Emperor, and for Dorn!”

“See, that sounds so much better.”

“Well, it’s not terrible.”

“A damn sight better than Guilliman.”

“What do you think the Chaplain will say?”

“He might applaud our initiative, coming up with a new cheer for the Company.”

“You’re daft. He’ll have our faces for breakfast.”

“There you go talking about blood again. Makes me squeamish.”

“Makes you… Oh, fine. Let’s just charge, then.”

“Charge what?”

“The enemy!”

“But… they’re gone.”

“Oh bugger. Now we’ve missed our chance for glory.”

“Oh well. I’m off. I suddenly have the urge to go build a small fort in that sandbox.”

“You know, I do too. I get to make the drawbridge.”
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-14-10, 08:00 PM
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You did forget the Lion, however, but aside from that it's nice and I enjoyed it. You could always add in this:

"What about For the Lion?"

"Uh, you mean El'Johnson. The Dark Angels Primarch, not a Lion."

"Yeah, that's what I meant."

"Well, you know you mentioned that Vulkan might still be alive? We can't go around shouting that, The Lion might be as well."

"You're kidding, where?"

"Under the Rock apparently. But the Dark Angels are too lazy to hunt for him, though."

"No way! We must tell the Dark Angels! Let me vox them," (the first marine voxes to the Dark Angels), "Hey, All Dark Angels! Your Primarch's still alive and lost in the Rock! We need him back!"

"No, you fool! He's wounded after that duel with Luther!"

"You mean Luther totally whipped his ass?"

"Well, if you put it that way."

"Let me tell the Dark Angels that," (voxes to Dark Angels) "Hey, Dark Angels! Luther whipped the Lion's ass and that's why he's hiding!"

"Uh, that might be... well, not a wise move, brother."

"Why?"

Both Marines get blown up by Exterminatus from the Dark Angels.

Bane of Kings Out.
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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-14-10, 08:12 PM
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i love it!
@Bane of Kings, nice addition


"Blood cries out to blood they say, so let us spill their blood so we can hear it all the clearer."
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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-15-10, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Edited and added in the aforementioned missing Primarchs. Hope this suits.

-I-

-I-

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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 11-15-10, 05:02 PM
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lol, funnier than mine. Have a rep.

Bane of Kings Out.
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