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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-21-10, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Default The Jeremy Kyle Brothers Special

The Jeremy Kyle Brothers Special

~Audience cheers and applause~

Jeremy Kyle: “Thank you, thank you my friends, thank you and welcome. This morning we have a special show, a family at war with each other, a family of brothers and the first guest says he can see no signs of it healing anytime soon and just wants his family to repair itself so they can continue their father’s great work. So without further ado please welcome Sanguinius to the show ladies and gentleman”

~Polite applause and gasps as Sanguinius enters the stage and shakes Jeremy’s hand~

JK: “Whoa you’re a big fella aren’t yer, are all your brothers this big?”

Sanguinius: “More or less”

JK: “Um take a seat…. are they really Wings?”

Sanguinius: “Yeah pretty neat huh? Gets me to my sons when then need my help pretty quick”

JK: “Your sons? How many do you have?”

Sanguinius “Ooh last count about 10,000”

~Audience gasp and Jeremy looks a little flabbergasted~

JK: “That’s a lot of sons…anyway um…wow imagine the maintenance payments on that”

Sanguinius “Maintenance payments?”

JK: “Never mind, I am guessing you don’t need to worry about that. So tell us why you’re here”

Sanguinius “Well Jeremy its like this, there are 19 of us all brothers, of which I am the eldest but lately my brothers have all started bickering, you know my way is better then your way, my legion is better then your legion…our fathers a liar that sort of thing”

JK: “When did this start?”

Sanguinius “not sure exactly, I mean we all argue its what families do isn’t it?”

~Murmurs of acknowledgement~

JK: “true, that’s very true my friend and with the size of your family…do your brothers have children by any chance?”

Sanguinius “We all have ten thousand Sons who stride the galaxy alongside us and bring the worlds of the Imperium to the fold of our father the emperor”

JK: “I…see, you know I wouldn’t mind a bit of whatever you boys take still that’s a lot of birthdays to remember”

~Audience giggle~

Sanguinius “It started I suppose between Leman and Magnus, Leman is pretty superstitious of Magic and the arts, he doesn’t really trust them although he trusts his sons who show an aptitude for it as he sees their training is done in line with our fathers works. Magnus got pretty pissed one day and in a fit of pique he magicked Lemans pet wolves away for an hour or two”

JK: “I take it Leman was upset?”

Sanguinius “Upset? Upset, Jeremy the guy was so pissed he took a torch to Magnus’s Library and almost burnt it to the ground”

JK: “Wow, that’s not um, not very brotherly is it? Was there much destroyed?”

~Sanguinius shrugs making his wings ripple and the women coo~

Sanguinius “if I remember rightly his entire collection of Doctor Strange and Hellblazer Comics…. he said there was some pretty important stuff in there and he was really inconsolable.”

JK: “Shall we bring them out?”

Sanguinius “Bring them out”

JK: “Welcome Leman and Magnus to the show ladies and gentlemen”

~Applause and boos in mixture which is silenced when Russ bares his teeth and snarls at the audience and even Jeremy takes a step back~

~Russ marches up to Magnus and pushes him back~

LR: “You put them in the Dogs Trust compound…do you know how long I had to plead to get them back and that was only after they filmed them for an advert!”

Magnus: “You have no sense of humour Russ”

LR: “I should have burnt all your magic cards and RPGs too you fucking witch. With the exception of Werewolf the apocalypse…I do like that game”

~Murmurs of agreement from some audience members~

~Sanguinius stands up and pushes Russ into his seat and Magnus into his and gives them both a disapproving look then sits down and rubs his brow wearily~

JK: “So Leman, welcome to the show and tell us what started this little feud?”

LR: “Our beloved father tells him to stop his witchery and he refuses, if he wants to bring the wrath of our father on him self then that is his fault but when he spirited my beloved wolves away then he is declaring war on me”

Magnus: “Oh come off it they needed a good bath when was the last time you bathed them?”

LR: “They are Wolves they do not need a bath”

Magnus: “Yeah they are so house broken that they shat all over Perturabos hand drawn siege designs and ate Fulgrims best shoes! When they chewed you out for it I didn’t see you retaliate on them!”

LR: “oh grow up they were Comics, you can get them again”

~Magnus starts to look quite incandescent with rage~

Magnus: “They were complete collections you mangy mutt lover! I will never get them again, you will pay for this Russ I swear on the spires of Prospero you will pay for this”

LR: “ooh whatcha gonna do? Magic Batman out of thin air or Superman…no wait, maybe magic Wolverine into the Fang and have him cut me into liddle widdle pieces…you make me sick”

Sanguinius: “will you two cut it out? We are brothers and we have a job to do we shouldn’t be arguing like this”

JK: “ok so I can take it you two don’t actually see eye to eye,”

LR: “Your observant aren’t you? Do they pay you to be that quick or does it just come natural?”

JK: “Do they pay you what they pay me to look this good? When was the last time you actually listened to your brother? Maybe his beliefs are different to yours but that doesn’t make him any less your brother”

LR: “It is because he is my brother that I do not burn him on the pyre like all the witches you impotent little man”

~Some audience snigger~

JK: “your brothers got a mouth on him hasn’t he?”

Sanguinius: ~Sigh~ “He’s being polite”

Magnus: “You wouldn’t take the piss out of me if you knew the hardships my sons had to endure. There were only a thousand of us when I was reunited with our father, you know what happened to them Russ”

LR: “I know they are all witches and the evil of mutation warps their bodies…you should have put them down and put them out of their misery,”

Sanguinius: ~shocked~ “You don’t mean that!”

LR: “He never apologised for sending my dogs to the dog home so I am not going to apologise for what I just said”

JK: “So why are you here then? If neither of you will give an inch”

Magnus: “Because I love my brothers and I want peace between us, and I want him to replace my comics”

LR: “You’ll be lucky”

JK: “Why don’t you both compromise, your brother here is in despair over how you two never seem to get on”

LR: “ then I will sort it away from chavvy chat show hosts who have nothing better to do then get people to argue in public for the sake of his ratings”

~Ooooooooohhhhhh~ audience

JK: “you really are a gobby SOB aren’t you”

Magnus: “he really is and insults won’t bother him he thrives on it”

JK “You think this is bad, Sanguinius says that his brothers Fulgrim and Angron make Russ and Magnus look like a walk in the park welcome them onto the show”

~Audience applause and screams of delight as Fulgrim walks on turn to screams of terror as Angron stalks on and sits beside Russ. Fulgrim scans the women in the front two rows~

Fulgrim: “You, half past twelve, you thirteen hundred hours, you thirteen thirty hours and you fourteen hundred hours…and bring a friend”

Angron: “You fucking pervert prissy boy”

Fulgrim: “When you look as good as me Angron old man then you afford to flaunt it, of course not all of us can be perfect and that’s just something you will have to learn to live with, isn’t it”

Angron: “War is not about sex and perversions you idiot!”

Fulgrim: “Jealous cause you not getting any?”

JK: “What’s the story here?”

Angron: “He stole my date”

JK: “He did what?”

Angron: “He stole my date! Sanguinius had fixed me up with a woman from Baal Secundus, said she would suit my nature to the ground, not only did she enjoy our date but she said she would see me again. My son Kharn took her number and arranged for her to come to the house. Three dates we went on, three dates and then batty boy there decides to take an interest, and he shagged her under my nose!”

~Awwwww~ audience

Fulgrim: “You obviously didn’t get it right first time Angron, lets face it, she felt sorry for you, she didn’t want the long drawn out romance she wanted a good sorting and I gave it to her, Actually if you had got her stoned first you might just have got to last base quicker then me”

Angron: “You impudent wretch! Not all of us are like you prissy boy, not all of us count the measure of our manhood by the notches on the bed post and brothers are not meant to sleep with their brothers dates!”

JK: “Fulgrim, do you have a drug problem? Sounds to me like you might do and that in turn might cause you to not see things quite clearly. I mean he is right, bedding your brothers girlfriend under his nose is a little extreme isn’t it?”

Fulgrim: “I don’t have a drug problem Jeremy, not like some of those idiots that come on here, I see things perfectly in fact I see them so perfectly when I’m done with those ladies later I’ll come visit you and I will bring a friend”

JK: “My backside is for one thing only my friend and not what you are offering”

LR: “He’s getting worse Sang, he really is I knew we shouldn’t have given him those copies of the good food sex guide”

Magnus: “Wasn’t that, Ferrus gave him a copy of sex in the city to watch and he thinks he’s Kim Catrell now”

Fulgrim: “Five minutes with me pretty boy and you’ll change your tune, once you had Chemos you won’t want for anything more!”

JK: “Have you no shame? Have you no idea what your actions are doing to your brother? I mean if I had a brother I would most certainly never betray him in such a way that would cause him great humiliation…. Angron perhaps if you call her and talk it out with her…”

LR: “That is going to be a little difficult”

JK: “Why? All he has to do is pick up the phone and call her…”

Magnus: “Because when he caught them out he took his axe to her and cut her into little pieces, when he was done doing that he cut her intestines up and her organs and stuck them in a stewing pot for his pets…. hungry things those bloodhounds…that’s why he can’t call her”

JK: “You are joking aren’t you…Angron tell me they are joking…”

Angron: “I never joke…she betrayed me and I taught her a lesson.”

JK: “Why not hit him?”

~Angron frowns~

JK: “It’s a simple question you maniac why did you not just hit him and let her go!”

Angron: “He’s my brother, our father would never allow for that”

JK: “Oh that makes everything alright then, look my friend you need to obviously see someone for your anger management and he needs to see someone for his libido issues and you seriously need to do some prison time!”

LR: “I wouldn’t do that if I were you…”

~Angron gets up, towers over Jeremy Kyle and proceeds to rip his arms from his sockets and beat him on the head with the soggy ends, the audience applauded and the credits roll~

Sanguinius: “great that’s another chat show host gone to the dogs”

LR: “best mornings entertainment I’ve had since Abaddon got caught with his pants down. Come on Angel you know we have our differences that’s what makes us work, we’re brothers can’t change what we are”

Magnus: “lets go get a beer, Fulgrim put that woman down…and Angron…Angron, you can stop eating the cameraman now…. Angron….”
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-22-10, 03:50 PM
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-22-10, 04:14 PM
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lol good work man!
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-23-10, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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thanks i was having to endure Jeremy Kyle show when this idea popped into my head so i ran with it, glad you liked it
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-24-10, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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thanks arturslv
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