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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-16-10, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
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Default 40k Vs 2k

i am the kind of person with half a dozen unfinshed works on my desk top, here one it basicly the choas gods playing a game takeing stuff from 40 to 2K (are world) and betting on what happens. I may write more on this,, i may not, though would be more inclinded to write on this if i know people liked it, so comment. and with out any more farther adue,,

Tzeentch pondered, as he did of ways for a advantage over the others,walking softly around a crystal that showed thousands of worlds at once and yet one at a time. stopping for but a moment he reached out a held a scene before him before a ork Rok hurtling though space,seeing the threads of realty align, he reached out and shifted and turned it upon a new path, though not just space, but time. Moving around the crystal once more he saw what had been done and was pleased, a thought struck him, reaching into the crystal he pulled a fragment out and started the long trek to meet with the other 3, there were bets to made.

Chapter one
I remember when they landed, I was siting on couch next to my Mom and Dad I was 11 the year was 2012, the asteroid as we thought at the time had crashed into mid eastern nation of Turkmenistan. The helicopters orbited it as the scientists below probing it with instruments the cameras showing all of what happened next, on one side a series of explosions riped it open, then a cry broke out from within understandable yet filled with intent “WAAAAGGGHH!!” and it began.

The science team died first cut down, soon all of Turkmenistan was theres. We tried talking to them after we learned they language, we offered them peace but they laughed at us, they wanted one thing from us are best “fightas” to die.

When I turned 18 I joined the army I became a Second Lieutenant in the Army. When they invaded Seattle, I was part of the rear guard to slow them down so the citizens could escape.

“contact! Orks coming up fast!” “WWAAGGHH!” “I hear firing line shield guard up front!” the Orks charge forward the green tide sputtered out against the heavy counter fire all around me tracers lit up the dark city street the armor piercing round cutting them down as the fire of there crude Sluggas lanced toward us the shields of the first row took the rounds with minimal loses and replying with they Desert eagles cutting them down as the orks clashed with the front row for a few moments the fighting looked like it could have gone any way the orks broke and fell back once more reached for my radio,

“this is Second Lieutenant John Archer the orks have reached are lines, but were repulsed, requesting armor so we can make a push up there lines.”
“this is Vader, what happened to Captain Lorin?” it was a calm before the next wave,
“died to a bullet to the brain, I took command, what is my call sign any way?”
“you unit's call sign is Dragon, and negative you may not make a push up there lines we hard pressed now.”
“sir here they come again!” I turned toward the orks, raised my M 18 and as easy as thought let loose 5 AP rounds to the chest the powerful slugs forcing it on to its back only for it to be trampled to death by it “allys” they got closer, I reached for my radio, this is Dragon requesting light Fire support, location,”

the solider next to me exploded as a the monstrosity that the orks called a Shokk Attack gun hit him, “presighted location Vader.” “fire support incoming.” moments later it did the shells landed in the ork lines combined with the fire from are lines there were pushed back again. For hours the fight proceeded in this manner, the orks came and were pushed back by both us and fire support, and it was taking its toll.

“this is Dragon we can't take too much more and I judging by the lack of attacks for the past minute they massing for a attack, requesting a withdraw, or reinforcements ether one but we can't stand against a concentrated attack, ive lost half my troops and and down to my last 2 magazines and I am not talking Playboy!”
“this is Vader we must hold on or half the city we be caught in the fight,”
“roger I will try but don't expect a lot.”
“just slow them down.” I put my radio down
“WWAAGGHH!”
“here they come, I think I see a boss!”

I turned to the ork my spotter pointed out. and sent 3, 5 round bursts at him, the orks closed and shattered are weakened line the boss closed on me as he knew I was in charge I quickly fixed my Bayonet and raised my M 18 to hold him off, “WWWAAGGHH!!!”

his Chopaa dropped down, but I jumped to the left and fired AP rounds to his side. Roaring in pain he back handed me knocking me down, smiling he raised his axe once more to finish me, I quickly pulled my Desert eagle and fired a round in to its head killing it. As it fell I quickly grabbed my M 18 and poured more rounds into the now falling back horde. But the damage had been done I was down from two platoons to 2 squads, I picked up my radio,

“this is dragon, if they come at us once more we will be destroyed.” “,,,,” nothing then a moment later,
“This is Vader all units fall back, I say again all units fall back any civilians left behind will have to fend for them selfs.”
“under stood. Alright we falling back.” they did not have to be told twice. Behind us were about five Strykers for are inevitable fall back, though there were not nearly enough Strykers for are starting number we foresaw the casualty's and had brought that few. Standing guard were some combat engineers I yelled at them,

“get moving were pulling out!” the Strykers were soon purring and we quickly boarded them, and pulled out I turned to one of the engineers
“active the mines,”
“yes sir” he pulled a complicated looking remote with a video screen out of his back pack and twiddled a few knob “
all mines active sir,” already I heard the explosions as the orks stepped on the mines.
“good job.”

we rolled foreword to are rally point, the King Dome the mood was depressed, how could this happen? Seattle a city of America lost, what would be lost next. We got are answer my radio flared to life

“all units the orks have over run the king dome you are ordered to leave the city as fast as you can any way you can, the president has ordered a 5 megatons atomic bomb dropped on the city in 3 hours. ” shock at first,
“quick.” I said to the Stryker driver “head out of town fast and tell the other Strykers to follow you.”

it was only a matter of time until some one used a WMD on the orks it had been held off on due only because of the reluctance to use such weapons but now there would be used. We were raceing out of the blast radius. I listened to the radio, on all band withs played the orks victory. Not for long, not for long.

Chapter two

we were racing out of doge for it would soon be ash and dust. We were now in the suburbs and were trying to out race the orks. The bang of the M2 Browning Machine guns, firing at them in the running fire fight luckily orks shoot about as well drunk one arm man. We had scored a few kills. I had a idea. I yelled at the gunner

“see if you can knock a tree on top of them or something.”
“yes sir.” I could not tell but the gun had shifted targets soon the firing stopped.
“Hooah it worked sir orks have run into a tree sir.”
“how can that stop them all?” “one ork stopped, and the others hit him!” I smiled.
“good, keep going were might be out of the blast radius but I still plan on having kids.” a few chuckles
“sir the timer hit 5 minutes.”

And we are still to close. I thought, “find a tunnel we can hid in or wall we can duck behind.” the Stryker swerved “I just saw one.” we quickly got in tunnel, “1 minute” the tension was so thick you could only cut with a sword. “10 seconds,,,,5,4,3,2,1” the whole Stryker shock and swayed, and think a rock fell on top of the Stryker. It was so loud you could not think. Then everything went black.

“come wake up,” “errug.”
“that right, hay hes comeing out of it!” I leaned up, “
what happened?”
“a shovel stored on a compartment fell and hit you on the head.” “were are we?” I looked around it was the green of a forest.
“a camping site, some guys went to pick up some gas.” “what about the bomb?”

“we managed to get away though the EMP fucked up are communication. Radiation levels from what my hazmat suit said are low what evere they used to make that thing it has a short half life.” I got up, slowly.

“were are the orks?”
“we don't know, I don't think there are any left.”
“all the same.” I tried to walk but stumbled.
“I think I lie down.”
“ok. Beds over by the tent” I walked over to the tent and lay down.

I had been laying for about 3 minutes well I smelled dinner I got up feeling much better. I went over to were one of the troops had found a cooking pot.
“what you making?” he looked up from it,
“Black eye pea soup, want a bowl?”
“yes please.” he ladled me out a bowl and handed me a plastic spork form some place
“bone apite.”
“thank you.” I walked off to eat the the soup.

I saw the edge log I could sit one and turned around a tree, and did a cartoon style spit take. The land for miles ahead of me was gray, it was still there trees, grass flowers, but it was dead.

“I think it was a neutron bomb.” I turned to the private who had woken me earlier “they use radiation to kill but they still have a megaton blast yield,” I looked back to the waste land, “

are we walking ghosts?” the walking ghost phase is period of apparent health lasting hours or days following a high dose of radiation 2-10 days later they would die a painful death

“I don't but we need to get moving and not waste any time ghost or not the orks will be back, and when they do the weak and isolate go first.”

the shore landers chugged to word the glowing light on shore heedless of any thing called radiation. Warboss Gakkilla was fumeing, he expected to have taken this Ooman world, rolled it up, smoke it, and left to take another world by now.

But they were proving Ard'er then he had ever thought.

He had seen more different Trukks then he had seen in 50 years with Ghazghkull odder still he had seen none of the staple weapons of Ooman, there were some look alike's but no Leman Russ, though his tank hunters were having a field day finding the weak points on these new Wagons,

“Boss!” he looked up from his fumes
“Bommas!” he looked up to see a 5 planes flying toward him, he turned to a Mek next to him
“them new rokkets ready?” the mek smiled,

“yea boss there get them good.” “hump da better, for your sake.” and that anothing thing they don't fight fair!

They use bomaa and Big Gunz for most of they fighta these roving bomaa pack had done significant damage any were they went to the orks, hopefully these new rokkets would change that. The mek push a button on his armor and the rokkets shot off sky though they wobled like a drunk grot they still were on track, Gakkilla smiled. Until just when there were going to hit a glowy thingy shot out the bommas and the rokket chased that the bommas untouched, he turned on his mek

“I thought you said you would hit them!” “they almost did.” he was enraged. The F/A 18 Hornets flew low and fast over the water they then fired there torpedoes as the planes rose up a little to fly over the lander the Gakkilla lept up
“WWWAAAGGHHH” and cut the wing of one of the planes with his klaw which crashed into the water and distgrated

“boss what abot that Topedo?” he turned to the one that was heading toward him, Grabbed the mek that had failed him, and threw him on to the torpedo his mega armor dragging him and the torpedo to the bottom, though others were less lucky and were hit.

The air filled with bullets as ever ork and his shoota aimed sky word. The plane haveing no Torpedoes left. Growling Gakkilla turned to his Driver
“can this Junk heap go any fasta?”
“sorry boss we can't we be there rea soon so we can stomp some eads soon.” “hump.” he said that a lot now a days. He looked over at a second Mek “reado them Speed Freeks and tell them they can drop in on them from that fancy Bomma Carrya of theses.” a huge ship built by the Ooman for the lunching of bomma taken a few weeks back now it was home to Speed Freeks and Storm boyz para troopas

Chapter 3
We were parked in front of a gas station fueling up are Strikers good thing we had then not Bradley's they suck up fuel faster then you can say damn wheres did the gas go?

“hay John do we have any plans other then driving around hope to find a working phone?” I slammed the pay phone back down on to its hook
“if you have any better ideas you tell me.”
“I don't sorry sir,”
“No need to apolgize I am sick of this as well.”

I heard a noise sound like a plane coming apart at the seams I looked up and saw dozens of ork planes fly over. From the back of them drop hundreds of orks down. I turned to the Soldier beside me. “quick we moving in to the town!” we ran into the Strykers and we pealed off into town. From behind a tree a man who had seen the whole thing reached into his pocket and pulled a out a walkie-talkie

“Billy Bob this is Mike orks are heading your way also some Soldiers are following them I think there going to try and help the people of Pineburg.”
“right you follow and I gather up the others and head to Pineburg if the soldiers last long enough we will save them.”


It had all gone so well, we rode into town gun blaze playing the part of the conquering hero, we pushed them back, for about a minute then we were over run back.

We were now holding up inside a local Rays I had sent some of my scouts out to round up any other survives we all ready had bout 30 people of which 13 had weapons and were helping out. We were shooting out the doors as we held the orks off and they had filled up the door 12 deep with there dead. By now they quite, likely massing for a attack. I walked back form the front of upturned stands and went to talk to one of the survivors. I saw one in a make shift field hospital (in front of the pharmaceutic shelf)

“mama do you know how many orks are there?” she turned to face me “nope but the don't worry the RMA will be here soon they stopped off a few days ago for new recruits they can be here soon.” “Who?” I was puzzled
“WWWAAGGHH!!”
“never mind!” I ran back to the wall I pulled out my Desert eagle as I ran to it. Then a explosion ripped though the building. I skidded to a stop on a magazine and looked at the hole in the wall as the first orks poured in I fired the Desert eagle in to them I heard a ork yell out
“I call his Slugga!”

I promptly killed him suddenly the air was filled with the bang of shot guns though out the store as the orks charged toward us, as one of them dropped ax on me I jumped to the left and fired in to his side with the Desert eagle as he tried to back hand me I had a memory of Seattle it seemed all orks had the same set of moves, this time I fire into his hand blowing it off then following up with a shot to the head.

The next ork ran up to me with his pistol and fired a round into me luckily my dragon skin took it safely so I shot him in the head. I head a new ork
“I really want that Slugga!” before I could kill enough ork I heard a, noise, cry. It was like some one was strangling a owl crossed with a human yell of rage.

All the fighting stopped for a moment enough for me to hear the nearest ork “oh no not these Zogers” I turned toward him he gave a cartoon grin that lasted until I blew a hole in his skull. The orks suddenly ran out into what sounded like one hell of a fight.

A odd noise filled the air like a rifle being fired impossibly fast. I ran out the hole followed close behind by the troops. In front of me the orks were fight men armed with rifles and shotguns effective it seems at close range buck shot could pierce a ork like butter.

A ork saw us out of the couner of his eye and trained a over sized shoulder gun.

“DOWN!” we fell as one to the floor though I was sure most of the civilians were mowed down. the rain of bullet stopped I looked up to find the ork dead with a sterotyped red neck standing over him.

The red neck had black greasy hair, white skin and green eyes. Spiting out a glob of crewing tobacco he looked me in the eye and though there was so much gun fire I could barely hear my think I heard him clear,

“get up solider boy there orks to kill.” a ork lunged at him from behind yelling all the way
“WAAAGG,,” he turned around, pulled a knife from his belt, stabbed him in the chest, twice, he twisted round and took a step to the left, and as the ork landed near his right foot shot it with the Rife he held one handed. He looked at me again.

“times wasting.” I jumped up I and joined in the combat I saw a ork standing to one side who looked if not the boss then a nob to be sure. A ork moved to intercept me I ducked the choppa and shot him twice in the chest I moved on to the nob. The ork noticed me and had a comic look of shock on his face, I aimed to his head and,, CLICK,, was out of ammo. The ork was shocked for a moment more then smiled evilly. I reloaded my weapon fast, I looked up at the nob and almost dropped my gun from shock. He had lighting, green lighting!

Running up and down his arm chucking the whole time. The lighting got more and more frequent. I dropped the Deseart egagle and grabbed my rifle out of ammo it might be but it still had a bayonet on one end! I ran to word him. The ork shoot the lighting at me. I blacked out.

Chapter four
I walked a battle ground. The mud scrunched under my boots I walked past smoldering tanks, the air was thick with death. The ground trembled, I felt my self surrounded by men, looking up and the sky began to burn.

I jolted up right in a cold sweat, after images of my nightmare danced behind my eyes. I looked around I was in some sort of make shift medic tent. In the beds next to me were wounded men. Around me nurses looked over the wounded one of them noticed me.
“oh your awake how are you feeling.”
“like I was struck by lighting but other wise fine.”

“good I get Billy, by the way that ork gave you a scar to tell you grand kids about.” she walked off and I fumbled around for a mirror. I found one above my bed. I twisted round to look in it. I had a long green scar that stretched from my upper right temple across my eye to my chin. It was jagged like well lighting. I thought back to the battle. How had the ork done that? As ramshackle as there stuff looked it worked and was clearly more advanced then are own weapons. And yet that ork had no metal on him. How did he make lighting like that much less now that I think of it green lighting?

I heard foot steps. I turned away from the mirror, it was that man from earlier he did not swagger but he radiated such confidence that he did not need to. He stopped in front of my bed, one ether side of him was man one with a shot gun the other with a old Spring field rifle. Billy looked me in the eye.

“hump solider, whats you name and rank?”
“ Second Lieutenant John Archer.” he looked thoughtful.
“what unit?” for a hill billy he knew what question to ask.
“5th mechanized battalion.”
“thought so judging from you strikers.” he was good.
“were were you?”
“Seattle we hid in a tunnel when they nuked it.”
“what do you know about General Robert Guard.” I was puzzled, “Iron hand?,” nick named for his often used quote
“The orks while be caught between the wall of are bombers and will be held against it by the Iron hands of are tanks.”

But what did he have to do with anything.
“he was suppose to support us in Seattle but could not due to a ork flack attack he intercepted, why?”
“old Iron hand has rusted ethics, there was no ork flanking attack instead he took his battalion and has declared him self the warlord of Washington, after he ordered the nuking of Seattle.” a warlord, in the USA that a African thing or some thing!
“why did he do both of them.”
“the nuking? He asked the president said it was the only thing to do but if he had committed his troops it would be different.”

I felt a chill, “he lied to the president?” “a big one at that the only reason we can see is the EMP with the radios out no knows what happened hear.” I thought about all the troops who had to have been turned to radioactive glass in the fire ball. The rage would come latter when it had sunk in.
“why did he become a war lord?” he shruged.

“he could, all sort of scum are getting in to the army with the ork invasion.” I nodded “sooner or later one would become a commander. The big question now is what to do with you.”
“what do you mean?”
“for we know you're one Iron hands Hench men we been raiding up and down here against him but we have finally rounded up enough men and rifles to destroy him.”
“how?”
“CB radios, there fairly easy to make if you know what your doing. But you know were we are I have reserved judgment till I have spoken with you so what do you say?”

“I say I will use his Iron Hand for a door stop!” he looked at me deeply. “I believe you.” the body guard with the shot gun piped up “Billy you can't trust this guy.” I was startled Billy looked like and acted like a red neck but his speech could have come from oxford, but his body guard looked and sounded the part.
“I know what I am doing.” he kept looking at me.
“you feel up to walking?”
“yes”
“good,, he turned to walk out I advise you to put on something other then a robe.”

I walked out of the field tent wearing lose dear hunting camouflage clothing. The camp was bustling with activity on what could be called a road that ran past the tent a van of some sort drove by. It looked like a van in its middle was a third set of wheels and from the Shot gun seat a turret poked out of the roof with man on it, for all the world looking like a Humvee.

“R.A.T” I looked over to see Billy walking toward me
“Red neck, Armoured, Transport. Better then you Strykers. Can carry almost 14 men cramped but it can.” I looked at Billy.

“were is the rest of my platoon?” he shrugged,
“I split up your troop to teach the new recruits army style. But John I need your skill as a Second Lieutenant we have been planing a assault on Iron Hand.”

“good for you. Is that why thing look so busy?”
“yup soon we will hit Iron hand were it hurts.” “when will you attack?”
“at in 4 hours, twilight.”
“why twilight?” “we have expert deer hunters who hunt at night all the time, so are you in?” I thought about but from what I was told, and for some reason I felt I could trust Billy Bob with the atomic missile lunch codes.
“yes I am in.”
“good since most of your men are in to.”

Chapter 5
Tzeentch walked slowly before the great gathering place between there realms planing the last stage of his plan. When he got there the other 3 were there before him. Khone smoldering form glowed dimly with his rage for now it was calm but not gone, his twin horns curved around forming a type of head mask and his twin cloven feet looked to be shod in hot brass. He worn no armor for he needed none. Nurgle vast form was to his left decay gushed and burst from his many sores, so vast Tzeentch could not tell if he stood or sat. the parody of a smile coated his face and his skin was a dark green. He hands had huge mud caked claws and his teeth rotted in his skull. Slaanesh tall, lithe and had the beautiy of a million men and females.
“why have you called this Tzeenthch?”
“why, why not Khone.”
“you called us for no reason!” his skin started to burn
“Calm Khone, I do have a reason I have found a situation that we can have wage over,”
“what kind of wager Tzeenthch?”
“let me show you.” with that he put the crystal on to the table and let what showed be seen.

Chapter 6
I tossed my knife up and down.
“hay can you stop that? It driving me nuts. What with you any way you look as nervous as a bull in a china shop.”
“pardon me if I don't like performing capital treason! They hung people for this you know!”

“come on Casandra old Iron Hand knows what hes doing.” “I hope so I real,,,” the look out form above yelled out. “Contact Strykers 4 of them.”

“could be the patrol we lost the other day.” as they got closer something about them bugged me. At a range of about 200 feet it hit me,
“there regular army! Open fire!” we did, only to have are cut down by the fifty Cals on them, I turned around and hid behind the out post ok a old gas station but it was brick. The sound like a rifle being fired impossibly fast filled the air , CraCraCraCraCraCraCraCra it was one of those red neck Gatling guns. The sound of my fellow guards returning fire with there M-18 battered my ears, that and there screams as they were cut down by the there weapons. It grew quite suddenly, no noise. I waited a moment. Then stepped out, right in front of one of the Strykers...

the whole APC lifted up and down.
“mind the pot holes.” “sorry sir but a native stepped out in front of me and I ran him over.”
“road kill?” “yup” “you mean to do it?”
“little bastard ran and hid and just had to get him.”
“right keep moving we need to get to his base soon. If we slow down those redneck hill billy's will get all the fun.” yha and they will be killed by there tanks with us.” I was a mutter from one of the troops.

Slowly Billy lead his chosen groups of hunters closer to a guard post, 1000 feet away he slowed his troops advance and on a unseen order his men opened fire as one the guards died before they know what hit them. Pulling his eye form his scope his men as one shouldered they rifles, and pulled out pistols for assaulting he then moved his men foreword.

As they advanced RATs moved up with heavy weapon teams mostly Gatling guns but a few hand made PAIT (spring powered bazookas) in side they set up at the out post when the rifle men met up they all moved foreword toward the town of Luna.

I had called a stop to advance toward Iron hands Command based on what citizen had pulled as over to tell us I had to have seen this, thing, a huge Cross made of wood painted bight red, it corners were and edges were plated in, Bass? Copper? Bronze?

“I think we found out why Iron hand rebelled.” I looked at the private
“religion?” “perhaps we did crusades over it and Mideast extremists still jihad in its name.”
“point, come one lets move I don't like this thing.” we started moving again the town was now ahead of us. I put a mental image of the battle, we were to hoop round to the west while Billy Bob was to attack directly of course it was hoped he would just surrender but I doubted it.

The attack on Luna had began Billy rifle men were just out of town laying suppressive fire while troops armed with (illegal) assault rifles moved up. The heavy weapon teams sat between the two and laid down there own suppressive fire. His men advanced slowly and with skill soon Iron hands troops fled before him. Billy nodded his success
“advance we got them.”
“Billy! Tanks!” he looked up to see 3 M1 Abrams in front of him. Turning at a cross road.

Far to the west Iron Hands top commander was over seeing something else a US army patrol was passing close to Luna. He had set a ambush for them and was know waiting for the lead elements to reach his kill zone.

The three Bradley's were almost there also to the rear was a M1 Abrams and behind that 3 M60 Patton tanks they had pulled out of moth ball. A escort of light infantry were on the flanks. “

Preston should we attack now?” Preston turned to his aid. “tell the men to fire at will.” the aid spoke into his radio. Rockets fired upon them the kicking up explosion turning 2 of the Bradleys to smoldering wrecks.

The third one returned fire it chain gun cutting up the rocks soon the Abrams and Patton's did while the light infantry scrambled for cover a second volley of rockets took out 2 of the Patton's and the last Bradly a Canister round from one of the Abrams turned 5 men to my right to bloody paste I stopped standing and ducked behind a big rock.

“Preston losses are light and were killed half of them!” I nodded to my aid “Preston incoming reinforcement.”
“reinforcements? I did not ask for any reinforcements!”

the first Abram fired a canister round Billy ducked along with his men the canister went just over his head he lead his troops down a back ally way as a second round whizzed behind them. Billy turned to the man behind him
“got the Sticky bombs ready?” he nodded yes. The Sticky bomb was basically a anti tank mine coated in glue, you pulled off the cloth and stuck it onto the tank.

note: if you see me giving tactical advice: just assume i have a internet tab open to 1d4 chan and I'm summarizing off of that.

Avatar done by Bulhakov

Last edited by dragonkingofthestars; 01-02-11 at 02:43 PM. Reason: Grammer
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-16-10, 03:07 PM
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-16-10, 07:06 PM
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I would not want my home to be the first place invaded after the landing

Good work, although a little spellchecking goes a long way!

And what shoulder, & what art. Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat, What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain? In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp, Dare its deadly terrors clasp?
When the stars threw down their spears, And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee?
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-16-10, 07:36 PM
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Breaking up the huge blocks of text into more manageable paragraphs is nice on the eyes. At a certain point, with any post on the Internet, if there is just a big block of text it starts to hurt my eyes and I stop reading. For instance (and in the interest of being helpful) I like to put dialogue on separate lines, even if it is single lines. It spaces things out better and it is easier to see when different characters are speaking, even if you don't explicitly state who is speaking each line.

A baby seal walked into a club.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-16-10, 08:23 PM
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I agree with space cowboy... Nice story, I have only gotten to chapter 4, as I stopped reading there when my head was about to explode...

Break it down into smaller pieces, and make a spell check... Keep writing, as it seems that many here on Heresy have enjoyed this one!


-Doe out

[Flerden] 9:05 pm: Why the hell can't he just go offline if he goes to watc tv?
[dark angel] 9:06 pm: It is Doelago, we will never know
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-17-10, 09:58 AM
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Have to agree with Doe, I feel the same. A good story is always spoiled by being a TEXT WALL

Good job otherwise.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 11-22-10, 04:20 AM Thread Starter
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to be honest i have not been working one cent on this i had other things i am working on namely, lone dreadnought,, i try to alternate days so this one devlops more. and i have not be paying attention to this thread which is why i have not checked in a while.

note: if you see me giving tactical advice: just assume i have a internet tab open to 1d4 chan and I'm summarizing off of that.

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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 11-22-10, 05:55 AM Thread Starter
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this is my first post in Choas knows how long (i say god but you know, heresy,) I promise i try and post more often but i but i have other promises to make up to, so i it will be very intermented.

Chapter 6
I tossed my knife up and down. “hay can you stop that? It driving me nuts. What with you any way you look as nervous as a bull in a china shop.” “pardon me if I don't like performing capital treason! They hung people for this you know!” “come on Casandra old Iron Hand knows what hes doing.” “I hope so I real,,,” the look out form above yelled out. “Contact Strykers 4 of them.” “could be the patrol we lost the other day.” as they got closer something about them bugged me.

At a range of about 200 feet it hit me, “there regular army! Open fire!” we did, only to have are cut down by the fifty Cals on them, I turned around and hid behind the out post ok a old gas station but it was brick. The sound like a rifle being fired impossibly fast filled the air , CraCraCraCraCraCraCraCra it was one of those red neck Gatling guns. The sound of my fellow guards returning fire with there M-18 battered my ears, that and there screams as they were cut down by the there weapons. It grew quite suddenly, no noise. I waited a moment. Then stepped out, right in front of one of the Strykers...

the whole APC lifted up and down. “mind the pot holes.” “sorry sir but a native stepped out in front of me and I ran him over.” “road kill?” “yup” “you mean to do it?” “little bastard ran and hid and just had to get him.” “right keep moving we need to get to his base soon. If we slow down those redneck hill billy's will get all the fun.” yha and they will be killed by there tanks with us.” I was a mutter from one of the troops.

Slowly Billy lead his chosen groups of hunters closer to a guard post, 1000 feet away he slowed his troops advance and on a unseen order his men opened fire as one the guards died before they know what hit them. Pulling his eye form his scope his men as one shouldered they rifles, and pulled out pistols for assaulting he then moved his men foreword. As they advanced RATs moved up with heavy weapon teams mostly Gatling guns but a few hand made PAIT (spring powered bazookas) in side they set up at the out post when the rifle men met up they all moved foreword toward the town of Luna.

I had called a stop to advance toward Iron hands Command based on what citizen had pulled as over to tell us I had to have seen this, thing, a huge Cross made of wood painted bight red, it corners were and edges were plated in, Bass? Copper? Bronze? “I think we found out why Iron hand rebelled.” I looked at the private “religion?” “perhaps we did crusades over it and Mideast extremists still jihad in its name.” “point, come one lets move I don't like this thing.” we started moving again the town was now ahead of us. I put a mental image of the battle, we were to hoop round to the west while Billy Bob was to attack directly of course it was hoped he would just surrender but I doubted it.

The attack on Luna had began Billy rifle men were just out of town laying suppressive fire while troops armed with (illegal) assault rifles moved up. The heavy weapon teams sat between the two and laid down there own suppressive fire. His men advanced slowly and with skill soon Iron hands troops fled before him. Billy nodded his success “advance we got them.” “Billy! Tanks!” he looked up to see 3 M1 Abrams in front of him. Turning at a cross road.

Far to the west Iron Hands top commander was over seeing something else a US army patrol was passing close to Luna. He had set a ambush for them and was know waiting for the lead elements to reach his kill zone. The three Bradley's were almost there also to the rear was a M1 Abrams and behind that 3 M60 Patton tanks they had pulled out of moth ball. A escort of light infantry were on the flanks. “Preston should we attack now?” Preston turned to his aid. “tell the men to fire at will.” the aid spoke into his radio. Rockets fired upon them the kicking up explosion turning 2 of the Bradleys to smoldering wrecks. The third one returned fire it chain gun cutting up the rocks soon the Abrams and Patton's did while the light infantry scrambled for cover a second volley of rockets took out 2 of the Patton's and the last Bradly a Canister round from one of the Abrams turned 5 men to my right to bloody paste I stopped standing and ducked behind a big rock. “Preston losses are light and were killed half of them!” I nodded to my aid “Preston incoming reinforcement.” “reinforcements? I did not ask for any reinforcements!”

the first Abram fired a canister round Billy ducked along with his men the canister went just over his head he lead his troops down a back ally way as a second round whizzed behind them. Billy turned to the man behind him “got the Sticky bombs ready?” he nodded yes. The Sticky bomb was basically a anti tank mine coated in glue, you pulled off the cloth and stuck it onto the tank. “hang on.” the tank rolled across the street showing its side armor, “now!” the man took a deep breath and ran forword, and jammed the mine to the side of the tank he ran back just as the thing blew the tank apart.

Picking him up Billy dusted him off and put his dropped rifle into his hands and charge back out into the swirling gunfight. Bullet wizzeing past him and ripping his shirt he ducked behind a car and as rapidly as a bolt action could lay a down a volley of fire that lit up the square, unlike his men he used tracers so his men knew were he was and depending on the color order them with out words.

Jamming more yellow (just keep shooting) tracers in his gun he heard a noise, looking up he saw a Patton tank pull into town followed by Bradly's, but these tanks bore the Stars and Strips, he and his men realized this at the same time roaring a warcry in joy, that the tank soon echoed with there cannons, the army was here!

Instantly adopting combined arm tactics inherited from the many veterans that taught the gun nuts who made up the mass of troops in Billy Bobs 'army' they set to work infantry screening armor, and armor screening them from heavy weapons fire. They pushed foreword, a cafe that was a machine gun nest was blasted by canister round, and men that tried to duplicate the act the destroyed the M1 earlier were dealt with by the troops. Midway up John Archer met up with Billy once more and he had a friend. “this is Corporal Richard he led the patrol who's tank now aid us.” Billy looked him over. They had set up a impromp command base in a gas station a map lined up on a table that formerly held a chip rack, (that they were now munching as they spoke tactics.)

“there are there are strong points, here,” a park on the other side of a bridge, “here,” a musime of history that had not been attacked out of fear of damaging a dinosaur skeletons, they had time to siege . “and here.” a bar that sat on a corner that had excellent fire lanes. Pointed Richard “the center of town is were a lot of troops are we are currently moping up right now. Iron hand should be there.” “so what are we doing here.” John said picking up a assault rifle and chambering a round,

they entered the square before the biggest house in town the square it self seems to have been a more recent addition the cement still glistened slightly though it was plenty firm.

in the square troops milled about when from a balcony came Iron hands him self prompting a mass of muttering..

John yelled up at him “General Iron hand!” he looked down at them. He had a face from a old move, AKA side burns, and a beard that looked more mane. “in the name of the United sates of America I order you to surrender!” “FOOL!” he bellowed back at them “do you know what it is we are a part of?”

“no what?” Billy yelled up, John looked at him he had a odd look on his face. “the orks are a sign, we are part of a bigger event and in it we can find the truth!” a trooper barked a laugh at him “what truth would that be?” “Chaos! Who sent the orks to us? Were it did they come from? And what is this Armageddon prisoners speak of going to but be being off track of? They are the future, and I know the truth!”

John yelled “your mad!” “oh am I?” he snapped his fingers, a man at each side tipped a barrel over spilling the contents all over the ground. It was a dark red fluid and men backed away from the rapidly growing pool. Reaching down John picked up finger full of the stuff from just a inch from his boot, and took a whiff, blood.

He looked at the pool, the number of people who had to die, Billy summed it up “that why the town has no civilians.” clenching his fist John stood up “ Robert you are a mass killer and traitor, whoas memory will live in infamy and hate for all time!” “maybe but I know the power.” with that he stood behind one of the troops to his side, reached for a knife on his belt and stabbed him though the heart and then tossed his dieing body into the shallow pool below.

Richard looked from the body to Iron hand and back again “and?” Iron hand chuckled “wait for it.” then the man died form his wound, and he sunk into the pool of blood that not only got redder was only a inch deep, at most! John pulled his Assault rifle out and held it loosely but at ready “did that break a law of physic?” the pool began bubbling, no not bubble, it frothed, then a head emerged.

it was red, with horns, at first only the top of it showed then the rest of it, then a arm shot out and pulled the rest out, the men were to stunned to do anything, then a new head pulled out, it was like a child drawing of a dinosaur with a huge blade on the head when it lower jaw pulled free it roared every one took a step back. When it completely showed it self it was a, Demon ridding a robot pig! The sword it held burned in its hands. Iron Hand put a name to it “BLOOD CRUSHER ATTACK!”

note: if you see me giving tactical advice: just assume i have a internet tab open to 1d4 chan and I'm summarizing off of that.

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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 11-30-10, 07:03 AM
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Just a little tip... When writing fanfictions... Try to focus on only one... Devoting all your time and energy on a single story can do wonders... Instead of the other way around where you're stretched to the breaking point....

Can you break the paragraphs a little more... Especially some dialogues... Try separating them from the main body...

That's all and I like the plot....

Cheers!...
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 12-01-10, 06:59 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waltzmelancholy_07 View Post
Just a little tip... When writing fanfictions... Try to focus on only one... Devoting all your time and energy on a single story can do wonders... Instead of the other way around where you're stretched to the breaking point....

Can you break the paragraphs a little more... Especially some dialogues... Try separating them from the main body...

That's all and I like the plot....

Cheers!...
i know i know, my problem is this, my mind is hyper active, in side my head i have 4 or five stroys going so i get started on something go at for a while, then get destricted by the next cool thing, this whole story is planned out in my head, from this point and beyond to get poetic i could tell you of wonders of this tale alone, of the the fall of Korra, peace in the mid east and a militant pope, but then i think of a story just as good and then get to work on it, and then i lost track of the first story. to be frank thats your job with motivation which you alone can give and can keep my mind in a more singular track. though this makes me sound like a dog with praise and motivation i can keep working on these things.

i try to work on my grammer. and thank you one and all for support.

note: if you see me giving tactical advice: just assume i have a internet tab open to 1d4 chan and I'm summarizing off of that.

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