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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-24-10, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Default sagum's friends

This is the part of my background to my stealer magus

please give lots of critisism

Caution: contains naughty words and grammar issues

Sagum’s ‘friends’

‘You little bitch' she felt a heavy fist connect with her face ‘what have you done with it’

She was cowering in a corner trying to escape her father’s drunken wrath; he’d been out all day at the mines, then instead of coming him he gone round to ‘friends’ house and had a little too much to drink. Now he was finally back and she truly wished he wasn’t. He had only begun to act like this over the last year, since her mum had been conscripted.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about; I didn’t know you had one.’ She was physically choking out her words.

‘Tell me, now’ he roared in her face raising his fist to strike again. She screamed and he fell on his massively overweight behind. She took this as a sign and ran away as fast as she could. He began to give chase screaming profanities at her, but he could not hop e to catch her, as he was both drunk and massively unfit.

After a while she stopped running and rested against a nearby wall, something this place was not short of. She hated her father and loved him at the same time, she hated his violent brutal outburst and the fact he was never home, but she loved him unconditionally as do most children. This wasn’t the first time she had run off; she would just stay outside for the night and return in the morning when he had sobered up and forgotten tonight. He would be all loving and act worried as he didn’t know why she was gone or where she had gone.

She was a lonely girl, with no friends and now little family, since the penal colony’s had arrived, they had scrapped the education system planet wide, and all park area’s were abandoned for men with far darker motives hung around them all too often. So she’d had no opportunity to make friends, or learn any kind of social skills.

Suddenly she heard something behind her fall over. She swung around to investigate and couldn’t see anything. Cautiously she began to make her way to the imperial church where she would spend the night in the watchful arms of her immortal lord.

She had arrived at the church without further incident. She lay her head down on one of the pews and began to dream. In the dream her father was there and so was her mother, they were happy and together in a playground; she was on a swing being pushed by the two of them. But then everything became dark and she swung forward into his snarling face.

She fell off the swing and began to fall and fall and fall, until a net caught her. She was away from everything, her father’s angry, embittered sobs, the creatures that stalked her normal dreams, beasts of unimaginable horror, free from all of it. For the first time in months she felt safe and calm.
She closed her eyes for a few seconds and then when she reopened them her mother had appeared, she was gliding towards the teenage girl, and then she spoke.

‘There is a way out of this mess, you can save your father and I will be able to return.’
She lent forwards and whispered into the girl’s ear

Dawn arrived and the girl sat up, stretched and took a deep breath. She stood up and strode purposefully out of the church and to her home.

When she arrived her father hadn’t even woken up yet, the lazy fat bas..., she stop mid thought, she had to concentrate if she was going to remember what her mum had told her to do.

She looked under the sink and pulled out a bottle of promethium and a lighter that her father used for his iho sticks. She went to the back door and coated it in promethium, and then she went to the front door and did the same leaving a trail in-between the two. She left these two items just outside the doorstep. Returning inside she collected a knife off the side and went into the room where her father was sleeping. She gulped down some air, and bit back her fear, and then she went forwards and kicked him awake.

Startled he began to yell at her, and then the girl plunged the knife into his throat with a cry of effort. A small gurgling noise came out of his mouth and he sank to his knees, staring at her face as he fell slowly to the floor, a look betrayal and surprise forever etched on to his features.
Walking outside, she lit the promethium on the door and ran; she knew that this would remove the stain her father would have otherwise left upon this ground. By the time anyone noticed he would be gone, a mere memory from her past which need never be recovered.

She came to the same alleyway she was in the previous night, and again rested against the wall. And again she heard the noise; except this time there was something there she was surrounded by the creatures from her nightmares, huge creature made of bone and flesh, with arms as sharp as swords. One creature jumped on her and pushed her to the ground, as its mouth drew closer all she could see was the last look on her father’s face as she betrayed him.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-25-10, 05:39 PM
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I think it is a good read, I can't really find any critism for it as it is only part of it but if the rest of it is like this then it will be good. Good luck with it

IF you want check out my modding work click here http://www.mbrepository.com/who.php?id=14560
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