The end of order. - Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums
Original Works All user written fiction from any Games Workshop setting should be posted here. Please use the drop-downs to denote which setting your story belongs.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-24-10, 09:32 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Broguts's Avatar
Broguts's Flag is: Scotland
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Calgary, no thats not in Scotland, yes Canada, no I do not say "eh"
Posts: 293
Reputation: 1
Default The end of order.

This is a remake of my old story "the Anathemian revolt"

Act I


Chapter one: One of these days.


Our home has been in disarray for months now. Many dead, more wounded, all because of heretics. There have been reports of smaller acts of heresy, chaos graffiti, the occasional murder. But when they burned the shrine of the Aquila, we knew at that point that this was a full blown revolt.

There were reports of Tzceenchian extremists in the capital as well as worshippers of Nurgle, the worst part, the Nurgle renegades consisted of the 9th and 6th companies, and our master of the forge; Darkelias.

end ch1


I am worth $2,166,026 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Quote:
<DarkAngel> Broguts I will slay you.
Broguts is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-26-10, 08:02 PM
Senior Member
 
toffster's Avatar
toffster's Flag is: United Kingdom
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: England
Posts: 125
Reputation: 1
Default

Bit of a small chapter? Perhaps it could be a few pages longer ;)
Sounds like a nice idea though, I suppose it's from the view point of a civilian or PDF trooper?

"To the darkness I bring fire, to the ignorant I bring faith. Those who welcome these gifts may live, but I shall vist naught but death and eternal damnation on those who refuse them"
toffster is offline  
post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-26-10, 10:21 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Broguts's Avatar
Broguts's Flag is: Scotland
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Calgary, no thats not in Scotland, yes Canada, no I do not say "eh"
Posts: 293
Reputation: 1
Default

Actually its from the pov of the Space marines ruling the planet.


I am worth $2,166,026 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Quote:
<DarkAngel> Broguts I will slay you.
Broguts is offline  
 
post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-10, 12:35 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Broguts's Avatar
Broguts's Flag is: Scotland
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Calgary, no thats not in Scotland, yes Canada, no I do not say "eh"
Posts: 293
Reputation: 1
Default

Chapter two: The Brave 6th


Odysseus is reading his the reports of the heresy. Captain Icarus of 6th company, comes rushing through the massive doors to his Odysseus's palace. "Chapter master!" he said hurriedly and desperately. The ancient Odysseus looks up, annoyed, he starts in a sarcastic and spiteful tune. "Ah! Brother Icarus, how good it is to see you once again. Oh, could you tell me why your men are killing innocents in the name of Nurgle?" Icarus hurriedly tried to explain, as he realized that the honor guard were closing in on him. "Master, It..It wasn't me. I swear to you." Odysseus stood up hastily and started to yell. "And who should I belive!? Darkellias whom I have known for over eight thousand years!? Or you!? Who I have known for five hundred years!?"

Icarus began again "If I can prove myself innocent will you let me be!?" The chapter master sat down again. "very well, you have one week, ONE week. And in that time you will have no standing here, any attempts to acquire a ship will be met with your execution."

end ch2


I am worth $2,166,026 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Quote:
<DarkAngel> Broguts I will slay you.
Broguts is offline  
post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-10, 12:04 PM
Senior Member
bobss's Flag is: England
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lincoln, England
Posts: 2,628
Reputation: 8
Default

I believe this is you trying out a piece of fiction in an unorthodox style, yes? Because it reads more like a monologue from the lack of certain grammatical devices, and a rather shallow one at that. I hate to act in a prickish manner, but unless this is supposedly a diary entry, or an experimental Prologue then I feel your needing some more detail in varying areas.

I mean, from my perspective -and dualy any reader- we want to know where such a discussion is coming from: Ash-choked skies draped over a battlefield? A verdant green planet? We have little clue, and usually, as is the norm, Authors tend to blugeon their reader with a hefty page of descriptive prose before settling onto anything mildy related to the plot

I mean, I`m sure I`ve gotten things wrong, and I`m certainly not the best guy to ask for improving your fiction, but hell, just a little more setting of the scene? Unless it is, of course, a Diary entry... but even then
bobss is offline  
post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-10, 04:46 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Broguts's Avatar
Broguts's Flag is: Scotland
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Calgary, no thats not in Scotland, yes Canada, no I do not say "eh"
Posts: 293
Reputation: 1
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Broguts View Post
Odysseus's palace.
Just so you know.


I am worth $2,166,026 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Quote:
<DarkAngel> Broguts I will slay you.
Broguts is offline  
post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-10, 06:12 PM
Senior Member
bobss's Flag is: England
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Lincoln, England
Posts: 2,628
Reputation: 8
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Broguts View Post
Just so you know.
Yes, but what on earth does Odysseus` Palace look like? Is it the traditional, Imperial Gothic architecture? Whats it made of? Adorned in jewels, stained glass motifs, gilded arches? I mean... a little description never hurt anyone
bobss is offline  
post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-10, 11:43 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Broguts's Avatar
Broguts's Flag is: Scotland
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Calgary, no thats not in Scotland, yes Canada, no I do not say "eh"
Posts: 293
Reputation: 1
Default

ah. now I get you, I'll be sure to add more detail in future


I am worth $2,166,026 on HumanForSale.com
How much are you worth?

Quote:
<DarkAngel> Broguts I will slay you.
Broguts is offline  
Reply

  Lower Navigation
Go Back   Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums > Fiction, Art and Roleplay Game Discussion > Original Works

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Wargaming Forum and Wargamer Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome